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No point in KPSing this
I thought about making a KPS about this, but it would be super obvious who it was, so there's really no point. I'm afraid this might be a little LJ-worthy, but I have to get it off my chest.
I've been obsessed with thinking about my mother lately. I've mentioned before that our relationship is not so good and frankly, I think she sucks at life. We've had a pretty stable relationship the last five years or so because I've worked out that if I hold her at arm's length and just don't give her much information about my life she can't be too toxic toward me (there's nothing for her to comment on, ya know?). I've also been doing that thing where I agree with her just to agree with her, because what's been the harm in that?
But now. Now I've got this kid coming and it's changed everything. My mother has made it very clear that she expects to be involved in things. She invited herself into the delivery room for god's sake. I told her that no, that wouldn't be happening and she got really upset. She's demanding to know how long after the birth she has to wait to come down and how long she can stay. Very normal mom questions but I don't know how to answer them. Whenever she's in my house she treats my belongings like crap and is a very demanding houseguest. On my bachelorette weekend she used one of my really good towels to clean up my nephew's diaper mess. When I complained she threw the dirty towel onto the floor and got the mess all over my carpet.
I can't stop thinking about what I'll do/say if I have a daughter and my mother starts making comments about her weight. I can't stop thinking about the temper tantrums my mother has when I tell her that we do things differently in our house. I can't stop thinking about what I'll do if/when she takes my child aside and teaches them her version of Jesus (which is "the world is split into believers and non-believers and non-believers go to Hell so you'd better be a believer". She taught this to my sister's five year old.)
There's pretty much nothing I can do, right? I should calm down? Stop worrying? Move farther away? Fake my own death? There's no point to this post other than me venting really. I just can't stop thinking about it and being afraid of what new twists and turns the relationship with my mom is about to take.
I've been obsessed with thinking about my mother lately. I've mentioned before that our relationship is not so good and frankly, I think she sucks at life. We've had a pretty stable relationship the last five years or so because I've worked out that if I hold her at arm's length and just don't give her much information about my life she can't be too toxic toward me (there's nothing for her to comment on, ya know?). I've also been doing that thing where I agree with her just to agree with her, because what's been the harm in that?
But now. Now I've got this kid coming and it's changed everything. My mother has made it very clear that she expects to be involved in things. She invited herself into the delivery room for god's sake. I told her that no, that wouldn't be happening and she got really upset. She's demanding to know how long after the birth she has to wait to come down and how long she can stay. Very normal mom questions but I don't know how to answer them. Whenever she's in my house she treats my belongings like crap and is a very demanding houseguest. On my bachelorette weekend she used one of my really good towels to clean up my nephew's diaper mess. When I complained she threw the dirty towel onto the floor and got the mess all over my carpet.
I can't stop thinking about what I'll do/say if I have a daughter and my mother starts making comments about her weight. I can't stop thinking about the temper tantrums my mother has when I tell her that we do things differently in our house. I can't stop thinking about what I'll do if/when she takes my child aside and teaches them her version of Jesus (which is "the world is split into believers and non-believers and non-believers go to Hell so you'd better be a believer". She taught this to my sister's five year old.)
There's pretty much nothing I can do, right? I should calm down? Stop worrying? Move farther away? Fake my own death? There's no point to this post other than me venting really. I just can't stop thinking about it and being afraid of what new twists and turns the relationship with my mom is about to take.
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Re: No point in KPSing this
As to the religion thing -- I go through the same agony thinking about my douchebag FIL. He ruined my H's faith in any sort of higher power with his craziness. I've already told H that I am NOT tolerating his father talking to our kids about religion AT ALL, and I'm sticking to it. I could never judge you for thinking that way.
*HUGS*
Books read in 2012: 21/50
I've not had a bad relationship with my mom, but we were very strained when I was a teen.
There's no point to any of this, other than to offer you a shoulder and a really big (((((((manda))))))))))). I'm so sorry.
Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
"Halloween may have loose women scantily clad...
But Christmas has a pregnant virgin.
Way cooler." - anna.oskar
I would just try to take your mind off of it right now, if you can. You're still a bit away from this being a reality, and really, your mom can only be as involved as you allow her to be. She may be your mother, but you are your child's mother and you and your H have control of this situation.
I think you just need to remember that your job is to protect your child, even from your mother. It'll be hard but you and Mr. P have to do what's best for you and your family.
(((HUGS)))
[QUOTE]Thanks bay. I could use an E hug. And I am totally afraid of being judged. She has a really great way of making me feel like I'm the one who's screwed up, too. Maybe that's why I felt the need to vent. I don't think I'm crazy, but maybe I'm crazy.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]
One of the things my therapist has told me, so many times (and it is so hard for me to get it through my head sometimes) is that it doesn't matter if someone else thinks that how you feel is justified. <em>It is still what you feel, and nobody can tell you how to react to something</em>. If you think your mom is being a tool, if you don't like the way she treats you, your husband, or Baby Panda -- it doesn't matter if she doesn't understand why. <em>It is still how you feel, and you don't need to justify it</em>.
And P.S. You're not crazy, nor have you screwed up.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
This is brutal, but really- can you just cut her out of your life? I don't feel like she's doing anything to make your life better, and she is being nothing but a stressor and burden to you. You don't deserve it- just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you have to be involved with her.
I'm going to send you a FB message because I hate TK PM system and I want to tell you some stuff I don't want to blast over the interwebs.
[QUOTE]adamar, she's not really very logical or predictable. I absolutely plan on talking to her and setting rules. I just don't expect that to have any actual impact.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]
I figured. Well, the only advice I have is to do what YOU think is best for YOUR family. Don't let her guilt you into anything that you're uncomfortable with. Hugs and good vibes your way!
"Halloween may have loose women scantily clad...
But Christmas has a pregnant virgin.
Way cooler." - anna.oskar
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Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
You are NOT crazy, and you have no judgment from me. I don't have any good advice, but you and Mr. P get to decide how your child is raised. It's going to be tough dealing with your mom, no doubt. I know you'll be a fantastic mom, and I think some of these things you may just have to figure out as you go. I know it's easier said than done, but I wouldn't worry too much about all of this now.
More *hugs*
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I echo pp that your new family needs to come first. Your mom needs really strict rules about interaction with grandchildren, and probably to never be left alone with baby panda, if you're that concerned about the values your mom teaches (and I agree with you on that). If she upsets you and wants to come visit after baby panda is born, is a hotel an option? Are any perhaps nearby family or friends who are like family an option? That way she could see the baby for a little while during the day, but you would be able to get time alone from her too.
That's all I've got. And more hugs.
[QUOTE]Hugs Manda. You'll be a great mom, if only because you have a wonderful example of everything NOT to do. I wish I had better advice.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]
THIS.
This is what I continually tell H, when he worries about being a good father. He's going to be a GREAT father, because he's learned from FIL's example of how not to be.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
Planning Bio with For Sale
Don't let this stress get to you b/c the confidence and the answers you need to handle this will come. I can 100% guarantee it.
::HUUUUUUUUUGS::
I'll read/respond later.
I'm doing Team in Training for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!
Thank you, everyone. Your responses are doing a world of good to me.
And I have thought about cutting her out completely. I suspect that's going to happen eventually. She always threatens to stop talking to me, I just wish I could find the magic button that would make it true. Of course, cutting her out is difficult because my sister and brother would likely take her side. I've already practiced saying "I don't want to discuss my relationship with mom with you. It's between me and her. If we can't talk about something else I'm afraid I have to get off the phone/leave the room."
Sorry to your are in this situation. Anyone who would judge you for this is a tool.
Hey guys, I probably shouldn't have done this at work huh? I'm feeling a little pregly emotional. Again. Heehee!
Ehug manda.
I do not really know the real answer since it seems like even if you set ground rules she will not abide by them. You do not need that type of toxic personality in your life or your future childs life. I am not saying that you have to stay away from her forever, but if she cannot be the type of mother or grandmother that you and your child deserve, she does not need to be in your lives right now.
Sorry if I am making no sense, I feel for you and I wish I could help
Fatty girl blog
[QUOTE]I love you mands - and here is my advice: It's your child and you will protect them how you deem necessary. There is no crying in baseball when it comes to the protection of your child. <strong>You may not have the confidence to make waves with your mother just yet - but just be completely confident that once you have him/her you will immediately have it.</strong> There is nothing that you won't do - and nobody will stop you when it comes to raising them. Don't let this stress get to you b/c the confidence and the answers you need to handle this will come. I can 100% guarantee it.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
This x100. Along with Stackeye, I can also guarantee it. When you have that baby, your focus will shift and you'll find what you need to confront your mother and all her attending b*llshit.