Financial Issues Advice

NOLAbridealmost · May 2012

Aryn, I am so sorry. I am just finishing reading the first page, so I apologize if this ground has already been covered or is moot because of later posts, but I really would rethink marrying him.

It's one thing to be underemployed because you're doing your damnedest to find something better and can't. It's quite another to lack the motivation or work ethic to pull it together and do what has to be done to make it work in the short term. The discharge from the military thing seems to reinforce the fact that he--for whatever reason--has a hard time stepping up in situations when it's really important to step up.

It's ultimately about what you can handle as a wife. But if it were me: I'd leave. I'd have to. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't try.

sarabear23 · May 2012

Aryn, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I really hope you figure out what is best for YOU, as hard as that may be. *hug*

I'm also in the 'single and love this place' club.

Loopyseven · May 2012

Hopefully you feel helped and not dumped on Aryn.

We always just want the best for the other Eeners

.

LDYGTR13 · May 2012

Oh wow, Aryn. I agree with everyone else here - you need to take care of you.

ajmom2two · May 2012

Hugs, I dont post here too often...lots of lurking, but I feel terrible for you. It sounds like you have nearly made up your mind on what you need to do. I hope everything works out for you!

ArynBaker · May 2012

Oh no worries, I wasn't offended or hurt by anything that was posted in this thread. I posted because I wanted brutal honesty since a lot of my IRL friends tend to sugar coat things, haha.

lyndausvi · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:3fe33c2b-63d6-4307-8415-e57c21f39d5a">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think that one person being primarily responsible for the finances is a bad thing --<span style="font-weight:bold;"> if both parties are contributing.</span> A lot of people in our parents' generation and before had one person who primarily dealt with the bills. That being said, it is an awful lot of pressure to put on you, especially if he's not contributing and you're not okay with the role of primary bill payer. And the fact that he is unconcerned about being financially unable to pay the rent on your apartment is really unbelievable.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

I'm having internet issues, so I'm not sure this has been addressed.

I agree with most of this.   Except the 'contributing' part.   People contribute to a relationship in more ways than financial. Being on the same page is key. (ie. My mom was a SAHM. That allowed my dad to travel and get more promotions. Which was needed for his profession - not needed for all professions. Which eventually led to where they are today. - financially stable in retirement)

That said, there are plenty of couples who one has a big income and the other does not. Other couples have 2 big incomes and still others both have modest incomes. They all make it work. The key is they know how much they have to work with and adjust their lives accordingly.

What I get from this thread however is... Aryn's FI has champagne tastes on less than a beer budget.. Aryn is on a beer budget. IT's not fair to her to have to pay for a lifestyle <span style="font-weight:bold;">they </span>can't afford. Her FI has his head in the sand and Aryn is feeling way too much pressure to just make rent.

That is NOT a good combo.

Your red flags to me are less about him only working 20 hours (I know people who can live off of that few hours) and more about you are so "in love" you are missing you do not have the same priorities.

I would seriously consider delaying the wedding. You 2 don't seem to be on the same page. I've seen plenty of happy 'poor' couples who make it work. I've see plenty of 'rich' people get divorced.    The key is they all had a common lifestyle goal.

ArynBaker · May 2012

Lynda, you make a good point. I would be more comfortable being broke if I knew FI was really trying to find a job. I would be fine being broke for awhile if I knew he had a goal and was working towards it and it was temporary. However, we've both known from the beginning that I eventually only wanted a lifestyle where I work part time and be home by 3pm when the kids get off the bus. He said that was awesome for years but now it's looking like I'd have to work full time to be the supporter and I don't like that.

Anysunrise · May 2012

Having been on your FI's side of this (that is, the lazy unmotivated side), I can say that if you can't get him to understand that it's not just about whether or not he's content with doing nothing with his life, because it's not just his life anymore; it's yours too, then I do think you should at the very least postpone the wedding. H had to sit me down a couple of times and say "Hey, you need to contribute here. If you're looking for a father to take care of you, it's not going to be me, and if you can't handle that, we need to seriously reevaluate this marriage." At that point I was like, oh, I kind of have to be an adult now, because I want a car, a house, kids, and that isn't going to happen with me being a lazy asshole and putting it all on H. It's not fair to him, and hell, it's not fair to me because I'm capable of so much more.

I agree with J&K on the counselling thing; I know it helped me a lot, and it's crappy that he won't go, although I was totally against it before I was forced to go by work. So ditto everyone else, take care of you, whatever that ends up being. *hugs*

coopsbaby · May 2012

Oh Aryn, I have been in your shoes, and I went through with it. I always thought he would grow up and become responsible, but what happened is I turned into his mom. He didn't do anything unless I nagged him, was constantly getting fired/quitting for total bullsh!t reasons, lying/sneaking around because I would try to get him to act like a grownup, etc. I put up with it for 20 years until I caught him cheating on me. I was to afraid to break things off once we were married/ had kids.

You need to take some time and think things through. He may never change. Can you deal with that? There's nothing wrong with it if you're both happy, but you don't sound happy. You sound like I felt. He has no reason to change while you're living there taking care of things. I hope you can come to a decision that you are happy with, but I know either way will be hard. If he won't go to couseling, I would definitely go alone. It helps so much to get your thoughts in order. Hugs! Keep us updated, and feel free to pm me.

Loopyseven · May 2012

That was very well put Lynda. I agree with you too.

melb2013 · May 2012

I've been away from the computer dealing with a little non-FI, non-WR drama of my own. I think you've received some great advice. Send hugs and good vibes your way!

ArynBaker · May 2012

Lynda, I agree with you. I really would be okay being broke if I knew he was trying hard or that it was temporary but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and it's frustrating. I've always wanted to work part time and be home by the time the school bus comes around and he's known that all along.

lyndausvi · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_financial-issues-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cff36de5-3098-4a2d-8d9e-1ca05b7e9e0fPost:277870f9-8317-4cff-aff7-7f36592b9ebe">Re: Financial Issues Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Lynda, I agree with you. I really would be okay being broke if I knew he was trying hard or that it was temporary but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and it's frustrating. I've always wanted to work part time and be home by the time the school bus comes around and he's known that all along.
Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

I hate when people put too much into how much someone works, pay, their profession, etc. We are all different and can live on different salaries that makes us happy. Heck , I use to work less that 32 hours a week and get 8-10 weeks off a year and still owned a water-front condo in the islands (and it was a 6 figure condo, too). My closet was sad, but that was not my priority and that is okay.

Just by the fact you posted this means you are not on the same page. That is KEY. It does not matter how much you or he makes or how many hours he works. Or how many jobs you work. If you are not on the same page it will NEVER work.

ETA - clarity

polichik · May 2012

I know it's sleepy time where everyone else is, but I just had to say that I'm so impresse by all the good advice and caring in this thread. Aryn, if I'm reading your posts correctly, it seems as though you know what you need to do, but it's understandable that taking the step would be intimidating and hard to acknowledge. Good luck with whatever you decide, and feel free to PM me if you need help finding a therapist.

baystateapple · May 2012

Lynda -- I should have been more clear. I didn't just mean monetary contributions. I realize that there are all sorts of ways people can contribute to running a household -- working, SAHW, SAHM, etc. I did not mean two people necessarily being employed. What I meant is not what Aryn is going through right now -- a family where one person carries the entire burden while the other does nothing. I should have made that clearer.

Calypso1977 · May 2012

CN: FI works less than 20 hours a week and owes thousands in bills and barely looks for better jobs. If you were me, would you stick it out and hope the situation improves or cut your losses and try to move on?

its much easier said than done, but id cut your losses and move on.

money and children are the two things couples fight the most about. if anything, your marriage will make him less motivated as he knows he now has a permanent and legally binding safety net in place.

hoffse · May 2012

I'm coming to this late, but I'm sorry this is happening - I think you're leaning toward the right choice here.

Also consider that if you do marry him there may come a time when you do things like open joint accounts, have joint credit cards, or even just file taxes jointly - if that happens, you will be just as responsible as him for those debts. Right now they are separate, and plenty of couples can keep things like credit cards separate... but what about rental/mortgage debts (which you both have right now if both of your names are on the lease), utilities debts, etc...

I have recently done some tax work for women who are SAHMs who filed taxes jointly with their husbands - they typically have virtually no control over any of the family finances but when the husband defaults the IRS comes after them for a huge tax debt. These things usually also completely destroyed their credit because the husbands put their names on all the family credit cards, mortgage, tax returns etc. in addition to his own, so they are liable for the joint debt.

You sound a lot less oblivious than these other women about these sorts of things, but it can become a slippery slope. I don't want something like that happening to you.

EDIT: accuracy

brilibby4 · May 2012

I'm late but wanted to say that I know we don't really "know" each other, but I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. It can be really hard to not get caught up in a fantasy world. It really seems like you are making the right choice for YOU and taking care of yourself. I hope everything works out for you and wish you the best of luck!

[Deleted User] · May 2012

You haven't said your i do's yet, so yes, I think you should cut your losses. It sounds like you already struggle with his decisions and it's not something you're interested in dealing with!

nextrightthing · May 2012

I'm just a lurker, but I wanted to ditto what pp said. This sounds a LOT like a guy I was engaged to six years ago so much so that I'm wondering whether it is the same guy!. My ex also had alcohol issues....I ended up calling off the wedding, which was very embarassing at the time but it was one of the best decisions I ever made! Six years later I am very happily engaged to a guy who I do not have any "concerns" about marrying. Good luck to you. You have a chance to dodge a big, fat bullet!

MyUserName1 · May 2012

I think you've gotten some great advice in here Aryn, so I don't have anything to contribute on that front but virtual hugs. You're a very sweet girl and you deserve someone who will share the burden.

gamecockwed · May 2012

Its sad that so many people have been through this. I was in the same boat. My first husband and I got married young (18 years ago). He was unemployed (ugh big red flag) and I was a college student. I got a great job that I still have 18 yrs later and he has had upwards of 40 jobs in that period. He would quit for stupid reasons and then lay around being lazy while I cleaned house, worked forty hours a week and took care of kids. Then he cheated at least a dozen times in the 9 years we were married. he has been married two more times and every month is a battle to get a dime out of him to support his own kids. Sadly he has never changed and unfortunately my kids have seen it. I am fighting with all I have to keep my kids from being like him.

Just think of all of the ramifications if you marry him and he doesnt change like my story. Good luck.

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