S/O Spanking

marleylikeair · February 2011

I think I was spanked once or twice when I was too young to really remember...so it must not have hurt that much. I don't think I was ever spanked out of anger. Never with an instrument of any kind. I don't agree with doing that. I *do* remember being abou 10 or so and having read parenting books off of my parents' bookshelves; I told my dad I was now too old for a spanking, based on what I'd read.

I was a pretty good kid, honestly, 90% of the time. My mom was pretty good at scaring the bejesus out of us with her screaming. (I may not have been spanked often or severely, but I didn't grow up in a healthy environment, either.)

I don't know if I'd spank my own kid(s). It kind of depends on the child's personality. If time-outs and taking away privileges worked, I wouldn't spank. I'd try to avoid it and try every other method I could first. I agree with not doing it out of anger.

Elle1036 · February 2011

I don't think pain (no matter how light or well-intentioned) should ever be used as a disciplinary tactic. My children will never be spanked, by me or by anyone else.

leia1979 · February 2011

As some have said, I think it's okay as long as it's done with an open hand and not out of anger, and it's not so hard as to cause more than a temporary sting. Mostly my parents only ever had to yell at me, but I was probably spanked a handful of times in my life. I don't want people hurting their kids, but I don't want their kids to have free reign to misbehave, either. I feel like I see that far too much!

I believe FI was disciplined with a belt, and that is going too far.

PaigeMcC · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:e15c25ef-6eb4-4068-a344-d2acd9360ea3">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think pain (no matter how light or well-intentioned) should ever be used as a disciplinary tactic. My children will never be spanked, by me or by anyone else.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

<div>It's not the pain that I feel should be used. I don't intend to actually HURT the kids. It might sting for a minute or two. But What I remember from being spanked (and it was only done a few times when I was an extremely bad child) was the thought of "Shiiit I must have done something really bad b/c this is extreme punishment." and it made me really upset that my parents were so disappointed/upset/whatev that they would spank me. </div><div>
</div><div>BUT to each their own. I respects yer opinions;)</div>

Elle1036 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:abdaf089-dcd9-40d3-9e26-054254c3853e">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O Spanking : It's not the pain that I feel should be used. I don't intend to actually HURT the kids. It might sting for a minute or two. But What I remember from being spanked (and it was only done a few times when I was an extremely bad child) was the thought of "Shiiit I must have done something really bad b/c this is extreme punishment." and it made me really upset that my parents were so disappointed/upset/whatev that they would spank me. BUT to each their own. I respects yer opinions;)
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

I respect your opinions too, dear. And what you said about why it works actually makes a lot of sense. As someone already said, I won't judge anyone else for the way they choose to discipline their kids as long as it's not crossing any lines. For me, though, it's still a no.

motoLyn · February 2011

My own experience, it was with an open hand on my bottom when I was a kid, when I got older and should have known better there was a choice between a switch and remarkably the fly swatter or a coat hanger came in handy to my parents once. It was plastic. Anyways I got to pick my switch from athe cherry blossom tree in the front yard, too thin and it cut too thick and it bruise. There were times when punishment was to kneel on the tile floor and hold onto my ear lopes with my hands and I had to stay like that till my parents felt I had learned my lesson.

Whether this punishment really worked of not, I'm not sure. I respect authority and I respect my parents. In an Asian household this was what punishment was, it was given for me growing up. On the other hand I also learned how to hide my transgressions better. I have no emotional scares, no resentment and I accpet that punishment, mind you I don't think what I did as a kid warrented the punishments, I stole a can of tennis balls from my grandfather to play tennis with friends, or I went and played with friends and forgot to tell my parents so they got worried looking for me.

Now I think if and when I have kids, I'll start with a non physical approuch but sometimes I know a open hand to the bottom is needed to remind them that there are limits. But I do agree with SeaTea that punishments like that are to be done when the parent is calm and in control of their emotions. I don't hate my parents, so I hope that my future kids won't hate me.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

I don't understand why everyone keeps saying spankings are not intended to hurt. I know they're not meant to be excessively hard, but a spanking does hurt. If it didn't, why would kids try to avoid them??

PaigeMcC · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:c17a31a4-5c2e-4cba-9f62-bf98dcd1af17">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why everyone keeps saying spankings are not intended to hurt. I know they're not meant to be excessively hard, but a spanking does hurt. If it didn't, why would kids try to avoid them??
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

<div>They hurt for a minute - but the whole point, to me, of spanking is not the hurting part (although that may scare the bejesues out of my kids enough to make them stop) but I just remember the upset and emotional hurt that I felt after disappointing my parents. I don't remember being in much physical pain, and it never lasted for more than a minute or two...but the whole "ZOMG my parents are disappointed/piised/etc" was the big motivator for me. I knew that if they resorted to that type of punishment that I SHOULD feel really bad about whatever I had done. I think the pain is secondary.</div>

heyimbren · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:e15c25ef-6eb4-4068-a344-d2acd9360ea3">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think pain (no matter how light or well-intentioned) should ever be used as a disciplinary tactic. <strong>My children will never be spanked, by me or by anyone else.
</strong>Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

I don't think I'd be comfortable with anyone besides my FH (this was done on purpose) or myself doing it to my kids... grandparents would really depend.

ETA: I agree with Paige on the pain bit. I remember being more upset about having my family disappointed in me than anything. I guess it hurt as it happened, but that was probably because it could catch me off guard too. I'd be upset and saying that I didn't want to be in trouble, but since it was my bottom I couldn't see and then there'd be a little smack. So it would surprise me, but again I really don't remember it hurting.

SeaTea02 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:c17a31a4-5c2e-4cba-9f62-bf98dcd1af17">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why everyone keeps saying spankings are not intended to hurt. I know they're not meant to be excessively hard, but a spanking does hurt. If it didn't, why would kids try to avoid them??
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It depends on how little they are. I knew a 4 year old boy who would get "papped" on the bottom. It was so light that it didn't sting. It was no harder than you would clap your hands at a performance. This was enough for him to BAWL and apologize profusely. I guess it just depends on the kid.

</div>

[Deleted User] · February 2011

Maybe I am completely wrong...but I would guess that if you asked a kid why they didn't want a spanking, they probably wouldn't answer "because my parents will be so disappointed in me".

I do agree that having your parents show disappointment can be pretty powerful though. I just don't think you have to spank to get that message across.

anyway...I feel like i am belaboring my point now...so i'm going to stop with this whole spanking business. It was interesting to hear other's views though!

desertsun · February 2011

I'm really happy to hear so many people opposed to any form of physical discipline other than spanking.

I was slapped in the face several times as a tween/teen and found that much more disturbing emotionally than spankings.

coastiegrl25 · February 2011

I was spanked as a child, sometimes with a wooden spoon. Never enough to hurt badly, but enough to get the point across that I was doing wrong. Yelling or timeout would have never worked for me. It depends on the child and what works for them. If timeouts, and any other non-physical consequence won't work for my child then yes, I will spank them.

Just because my Mother used an instrument to spank me with doesn't mean she was wanting "power" or a bad person. I didn't get spanked often, and I have grown up to be a respectful person because of the dicipline I recieved from her during my adolescent years. It all depends on the child and what works for them just like everyone else has said. The parent just has to decide what works for the child so they can grow up to be respectable in control adults.

Desert- I hate to hear when someone is slapped in the face like that!! Or even emotionally abused verbally. It is sooo uncalled for. I am glad that you have turned out to be a smart, beautiful person nonetheless. I just hate to hear that you had to go thru that.

redheadtmk · February 2011

Out of curiosity, did anyone feel confused by the "dont hit your sibling or else I am going to spank you!"? I have heard that as a reason for not spanking by many people who feel it sends mixed messages. As a child who was spanked I knew the difference between fighting with my sister and being punished. I have never met anyone who actually felt confused by the two messages either. Just wondering if that is an actual legitimate reason that some kids feel or if it is just one of those things anti-spanking people say with out any real research behind it.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:371551e5-1ca5-41fd-abf1-4145be6c788f">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]Out of curiosity, did anyone feel confused by the "dont hit your sibling or else I am going to spank you!"? I have heard that as a reason for not spanking by many people who feel it sends mixed messages. As a child who was spanked I knew the difference between fighting with my sister and being punished. I have never met anyone who actually felt confused by the two messages either. Just wondering if that is an actual legitimate reason that some kids feel or if it is just one of those things anti-spanking people say with out any real research behind it.
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

ok - guess I can't give up this discussion quite yet... I don't necessarily think it is confusing for kids...though it could be. My reason for not using a "bad behavior" as "discipline" for children (ie: hitting) is because it is hypocritical in my opinion. To me, house rules are creating an environment where all are treated the same way. If one of your house rules is no hitting...than spanking is breaking that rule. Same as telling your kids they have to eat their veggies while you only down a cheese pizza at dinner....I believe kids learn most by following the example their parents set.

heyimbren · February 2011

See, I don't agree that hitting it ALWAYS uncalled for and shouldn't be done. I think that's why we differe on this Allusive (which is totally fine, people can agree to disagree!) but we have opposite premises for our arguments.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:6d029cd2-fd1d-4dd6-886e-78888d97a695">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]See, I don't agree that hitting it ALWAYS uncalled for and shouldn't be done.<strong>I think that's why we differe on this Allusive (which is totally fine, people can agree to disagree!)</strong> but we have opposite premises for our arguments.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

THIS! I think you're either on one side or the other, and that is perfectly fine. Either you believe hitting is never ok or that it is under certain circumstances.

heyimbren · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:c8932016-b75a-4b9c-b8a3-dd896f0d59f0">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O Spanking : THIS! I think you're either on one side or the other, and that is perfectly fine.<strong> Either you believe hitting is never ok or that it is under certain circumstances.
</strong>Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

I have to ask then... how do you feel about self-defense? Or playful spanking with sex?

[Deleted User] · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:6afc8718-69ec-4581-86ae-7d38cfaee22c">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O Spanking : I have to ask then... how do you feel about self-defense? Or playful spanking with sex?
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Self Defense - protecting yourself is a no brainer. If I was faced with an attacker, I would do whatever it took to protect myself. I do think I would have a difficult time shooting someone, but if it came down to me or them...definitely me!

Spanking During Sex - I think that you set boundaries in your relationship just as you do with your kids. (not that they're the same boundaries though!) If both are ok with it, and assuming both are consenting adults, i'm completely fine with it. BF and I enjoy a little playful spanking in the bedroom now and then...but we both know eachother's boundaries and we do not cross them.

heyimbren · February 2011

I think you're right about boundaries, but then that means that you don't believe that hitting is NEVER okay

But I think you're right, it really is about boundaries that are set. Which does become complicated when it comes to setting boundaries with punishing a child.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:62a7f9d4-b2c4-4927-b5be-051b711a53f7">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're right about boundaries, <strong>but then that means that you don't believe that hitting is NEVER okay ;)</strong> But I think you're right, it really is about boundaries that are set. Which does become complicated when it comes to setting boundaries with punishing a child.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

I knew this was where you were going with that question! At least you can't say I wasn't honest!! :-) Of course I meant in regards to punishment, house rules, treating each other with respect and all that good stuff.

desertsun · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:0d53a501-e924-4ac7-956e-02d8cb2f3e10">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I was spanked as a child, sometimes with a wooden spoon. Never enough to hurt badly, but enough to get the point across that I was doing wrong. Yelling or timeout would have never worked for me. It depends on the child and what works for them. If timeouts, and any other non-physical consequence won't work for my child then yes, I will spank them. Just because my Mother used an instrument to spank me with doesn't mean she was wanting "power" or a bad person. I didn't get spanked often, and I have grown up to be a respectful person because of the dicipline I recieved from her during my adolescent years. It all depends on the child and what works for them just like everyone else has said. The parent just has to decide what works for the child so they can grow up to be respectable in control adults. <strong> Desert- I hate to hear when someone is slapped in the face like that!! Or even emotionally abused verbally. It is sooo uncalled for. I am glad that you have turned out to be a smart, beautiful person nonetheless. I just hate to hear that you had to go thru that. </strong>
Posted by coastiegrl25[/QUOTE]

Thanks, Coastie. I didn't mean to make out like I was abused. My mom was the one who slapped me. I was never punched or hurt elsewhere. Just hard slaps across the face periodically when she lost her temper (maybe like 8-10 times total ever). Tween/teen girls aren't easy. Not to make excuses for her. I still think those slaps were inappropriate, but I don't hold it against my mom. Overall she was a great mom, and I love her a lot. Those slaps were just so hurtful emotionally that I'll never repeat the behavior with any of my kids.

SKP82 · February 2011

There has been lotsa talk about instruments used while spanking and fuzzy boundaries/going too far. I learned in my guardian ad litem training that it is illegal (at least in FL) to spank with anything other than an open hand and only on the butt (no back or legs) and it cannot leave a mark (as in welts or bruises). Anything other than that would be considered child abuse (not that anyone here is condoning using anything other than an open hand).

Also, I believe it is very important for the child to know WHY he or she is getting a spanking. My mom used to sit my brothers down and make sure they fully understood what they were being punished for.

marleylikeair · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:51f8a481-e380-4bbc-b55b-7fd739f31e7a">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]There has been lotsa talk about instruments used while spanking and fuzzy boundaries/going too far. <strong> I learned in my guardian ad litem training that it is illegal (at least in FL) to spank with anything other than an open hand and only on the butt (no back or legs) and it cannot leave a mark (as in welts or bruises). Anything other than that would be considered child abuse (not that anyone here is condoning using anything other than an open hand). </strong> Also, I believe it is very important for the child to know WHY he or she is getting a spanking. My mom used to sit my brothers down and make sure they fully understood what they were being punished for.
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

Thanks for reminding us of this, SKP! I remember reading that a while back in one of those parenting books my parents had. Yes, I was a weird kid who read parenting books that were hanging around the bookshelves in the house. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

Elle1036 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:faec68a8-1ed6-438c-92b2-ea0a9a09acfa">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O Spanking : Thanks, Coastie. I didn't mean to make out like I was abused. My mom was the one who slapped me. I was never punched or hurt elsewhere. Just hard slaps across the face periodically when she lost her temper (maybe like 8-10 times total ever). Tween/teen girls aren't easy. Not to make excuses for her. I still think those slaps were inappropriate, but I don't hold it against my mom. Overall she was a great mom, and I love her a lot. Those slaps were just so hurtful emotionally that I'll never repeat the behavior with any of my kids.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

I think this kind of situation is the reason I am so averse toward any kind of corporal punishment. My parents generally didn't inflict any kind of physical punishment on us, but the couple of times I've been hit by my mom, it was because the situation was utterly out of control.

I'm not saying that I think everyone who spanks their kids has lost their temper; rather, I think my own negative emotional association with physical force probably explains the reason I am so opposed to it.

[Deleted User] · February 2011

My parent's spanked me and I'm not emotionally scarred from it... I actually think it's sometimes the only way to get a kid's attention... Time outs, threats, etc. don't work... Taking things away only work if they are actually taken away... threatening to take something away doesnt work.

jeanacorina · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:371551e5-1ca5-41fd-abf1-4145be6c788f">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]Out of curiosity, did anyone feel confused by the "dont hit your sibling or else I am going to spank you!"? I have heard that as a reason for not spanking by many people who feel it sends mixed messages. As a child who was spanked I knew the difference between fighting with my sister and being punished. I have never met anyone who actually felt confused by the two messages either. Just wondering if that is an actual legitimate reason that some kids feel or if it is just one of those things anti-spanking people say with out any real research behind it.
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

As I said, I think a big part of the reason I beat up on my sister and picked fights with boys in school had to do with the fact that I could not accept or rationalize why my parents could use physical force to get a point across and I should not. I wasn't confused- I knew darn well the "reason" was they were punishing me and as adults they believed they had the right to use force. I also knew the argument that it was "not the same" as me hitting my sister or another kid.

But, I decided I didn't care about what someone else claimed the difference and reasons were. I figured if they could make that kind of judgment call, so could I.

I was a sassy, stubborn little thing (still am) and refused to accept the rationale. So I do think it negatively affects some kids- maybe they'll be confused and uncertain, or maybe they'll be like me and decide that if someone is going to hit me, I'll just take it out on someone else in the same way. I learned that behavior.

Of couse, we're not talking open-hand only-on-the-butt spankings in my case. So I don't know if my reactions count toward answering your question.

GreenPepperBurger · February 2011

I love getting spanked.

Oh wait.

deburnin · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:b83552fa-b9ea-41e7-9273-ac7e7322f97c">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really happy to hear so many people opposed to any form of physical discipline other than spanking. <strong>I was slapped in the face several times as a tween/teen and found that much more disturbing emotionally than spankings.</strong>
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

<div>I still remember the only time my mom slapped me. I don't remember exactly what I did to deserve it (I was an anxiety/depression ridden teen and my parents didn't know how to deal. I'm pretty sure I called her a bitch because she kept badging me about not eating or talking. It was always one of the two). I do remember that I got so upset that I shoved her and she landed on the table and broke it... That didn't help my case. Apparently my way to react to violence is with more.</div><div>
</div><div>My mom and I didn't get a long AT ALL when I lived at home. Our relationship has greatly improved since I moved out permanently.</div>

PaigeMcC · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:9489e8ee-124c-41c0-8087-455276a7d231">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I love getting spanked. Oh wait.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

<div>o.0</div>

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