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Wedding Party
lauraalanna
member
What does having a bridesmiad/being a bridesmaid mean to you?
I know there's been a lot of discussion about what a bridesmaid really is and and what it means to be one.
There is NO RIGHT ANSWER...it is each individual's opinion and that is what this discussion is about...your opinion. No one is right,no one is wrong.
I always thought having a bridesmaid meant doing X,Y,and Z and planning the shower/bachelorette party and just kind of helping wherever it is needed.
Recent discussions about the board have had me thinking otherwise so again,I'm just curious what a bridesmaid means to everyone.
Please-no insultin anyone for their views/opinions. Respect,please!
There is NO RIGHT ANSWER...it is each individual's opinion and that is what this discussion is about...your opinion. No one is right,no one is wrong.
I always thought having a bridesmaid meant doing X,Y,and Z and planning the shower/bachelorette party and just kind of helping wherever it is needed.
Recent discussions about the board have had me thinking otherwise so again,I'm just curious what a bridesmaid means to everyone.
Please-no insultin anyone for their views/opinions. Respect,please!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What does having a bridesmiad/being a bridesmaid mean to you?
[QUOTE]I know there's been a lot of discussion about what a bridesmaid really is and and what it means to be one. <strong>There is NO RIGHT ANSWER</strong>...it is each individual's opinion and that is what this discussion is about...your opinion. No one is right,no one is wrong. I always thought having a bridesmaid meant doing X,Y,and Z and planning the shower/bachelorette party and just kind of helping wherever it is needed. Recent discussions about the board have had me thinking otherwise so again,I'm just curious what a bridesmaid means to everyone. Please-no insultin anyone for their views/opinions. Respect,please!
Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]
There is a right answer. The only "jobs" a BM has are to buy the dress, and show up on the day of the wedding. Most BMs probably do much more than that, but a bride should not <u>expect</u> her BMs to throw her parties and tie ribbons on favors, etc.
Like you I totally thought there was a long list of bridesmaid's responsibilities. I think many people have the expectation that their bridesmaids are going to get excited about going dress shopping, help the bride stuff invitations, and plan awesome pre-wedding parties. While many girls do do those things when their friends get married, quite a few of them don't.
Of course you can always ask them for help if you need it. They are your closest friends, after all. But the truth is, all they need to do is get their dress, show up clean and sober, and smile for pictures. If that's all you expect from them, anything above and beyond is icing on the cake!
Technically speaking, I think all a bridesmaid is OBLIGATED to do is buy the correct dress and make sure it fits, and show up reasonably sober at the determined place and time. That's about it.
Puppy Love
For example, one bridesmaid grew up in her mothers flower shop. When she heard I was doing my own flowers, she immediately offered to pitch in without me even bringing it up to her-- because that is something she loves to do and is capable of doing. She lives in TN, so she loves that she can feel like a part of things, even though she's so far away. Even if all she was able to do/did was show up at the wedding destination, I would be just as happy.
No one is under any obligation to throw you (or anyone else, myself included) a party. There could be a million reasons it doesn't happen-- they are too busy, they don't have the money, the logistics may not work, whatever. There are lots of girls on these boards who didn't have them and didn't want them, for various reasons. If it doesn't happen, we should all handle it with grace and kindness-- because really, they have completed the most important task-- standing next to you while you move into the next phase of your life.
The rest of what you are talking about is friendship. I've been in weddings where all I did was show up. I've also not been in weddings where I helped with 450 invitations and favors, and essentially helped a friend plan her entire wedding.
If someone offers to help you out or throw a shower or B-party, that's great, but by no means is it required and by no means should you expect it.
You might want to read the FAQs thread at the top of the page. Banana pretty much spelled everything out there and those of us who have gone through our own weddings will tell you that her advice is very wise.
AKA GoodLuckBear14
I only expected my girls to get the dress and show up wearing it. Seriously, that was all I expected of them.
So when my one sister volunteered without my promptingto help DH and I with assembling the invitations, I was thrilled. When my other sister volunteered without my prompting to help us assemble the favors, I was thrilled. When my SIL volunteered without my promptingto help me look for my wedding shoes (Which I had a helluva time finding), I was thrilled.
The only thing they need to do for you is get the dress and show up in it. Anything else that they offer to do for you is just icing on the big, white cake.
If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
"Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
[QUOTE]I agree with frogurt that BM's job is only to buy a dress and be there on wedding day. I would also add that they should try to attend the rehearsal. I believe that a wedding is not an excuse to ask your friends and family to be your slaves. <strong> If you wouldn't ask your BM to help you make 200 flyers for your charity bake sale, you shouldn't ask her to tie 200 little bows on favors for your wedding. </strong> But if you do have that kind of relationship with your friend, then that's great. Of course, if your BMs offer to help, that is great, and lots of girls do. But acting disinterested in your wedding is not grounds for you to be upset.
Posted by garcias1[/QUOTE]
Amen!! I agree completely with that statement...and still,I don't even know if I would ask my friends to make 200 flyers anyways! I can't believe some of the brides that ask their friends to come over and do the favors and invitations,ect. I know I am definitely not that kind of bride.
And yes,there is no right answer. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
As much as I respect your POV, Frogurt, there is no "right answer" for a lot of things. Just a simple discussion, not meant to turn into a circus like other posts. Thanks for your opinion, I agree with your meaning of a BM!
[QUOTE]All a BM or MOH have to do is show up wearing the dress, make it down the aisle, stand there and smile for the photographer. That is the beginning and end of her duties. My MOH did only this (and took my cell phone away as we were about to go down the aisle) and I never expected anything more. The rest of what you are talking about is friendship. I've been in weddings where all I did was show up. I've also not been in weddings where I helped with 450 invitations and favors, and essentially helped a friend plan her entire wedding. If someone offers to help you out or throw a shower or B-party, that's great, but by no means is it required and by no means should you expect it.<strong> You might want to read the FAQs thread at the top of the page. Banana pretty much spelled everything out there and those of us who have gone through our own weddings will tell you that her advice is very wise.</strong>
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]
Only asking people's opinions here...what a bridesmaid means to one bride isn't necessarily what it means to every bride or what the status quo would be. I am just asking for different point of views on what a BM means to that particular bride.
I like your definition,though! Seems like a BM can be very versatile.
Picking your bridesmaids is a way to honor and recognize your nearest and dearest (plus for some people siblings of FI if it's tradition in your families to have siblings in the WP). You should expect to receive and give respect and support from/to your bridesmaids because they're your friends and that's what friends do.
I basically think being or having a BM isn't really all that different from being or having a friend. Usually friends help eachother, which often manifests as some help with some wedding-related stuff because that's a major part of what's going on in your life. I leave "help" vague on purpose, it can range from listening to you vent about vendors, to giving you marriage-planning advice, to helping you with put the tags on favors, to everything in between.
There are times in my friendships where one of my friends has stuff going on so the friendship becomes unbalanced (i.e. not 50-50). That's OK, because I know my friend has my back and is willing to pick up the slack when I'm having a rough time. So even if my closest friend was struggling with something and I knew I'd have to be the 70, in the 70-30 part of our relationship at that time, meaning I'd have to help her more than she could help me, I'd still want her standing up with me.
Most of my close friends and I are in grad school and have very limited funds and time, so anyone in my circle who asked anyone else would realize that her BMs couldn't help that much with the details of wedding planning. I personally would do my best to help in ways I can (maybe find things or advice online because I can do that gradually with random chunks of time), but I also really weddings and planning parties, which not all my friends do.
[QUOTE]All a BM or MOH have to do is show up wearing the dress, make it down the aisle, stand there and smile for the photographer. That is the beginning and end of her duties. My MOH did only this (and took my cell phone away as we were about to go down the aisle) and I never expected anything more. The rest of what you are talking about is friendship. I've been in weddings where all I did was show up. I've also not been in weddings where I helped with 450 invitations and favors, and essentially helped a friend plan her entire wedding. If someone offers to help you out or throw a shower or B-party, that's great, but by no means is it required and by no means should you expect it. You might want to read the FAQs thread at the top of the page. <strong> Banana pretty much spelled everything out there and those of us who have gone through our own weddings will tell you that her advice is very wise.</strong>
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]
Just read those and completely agree! Thanks!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What does having a bridesmiad/being a bridesmaid mean to you? : Only asking people's opinions here...what a bridesmaid means to one bride isn't necessarily what it means to every bride or what the status quo would be. I am just asking for different point of views on what a BM means to that particular bride. I like your definition,though! Seems like a BM can be very versatile.
Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]
Banana is on maternity leave. You may want to read her opinion. And at the risk of this turning into a "circus" you cannot dictate how people resond to your post. It's this that usually results in the "circus."
AKA GoodLuckBear14
[QUOTE]<strong>Laura: What exactly is "X,Y and Z"?</strong> Picking your bridesmaids is a way to honor and recognize your nearest and dearest (plus for some people siblings of FI if it's tradition in your families to have siblings in the WP). You should expect to receive and give respect and support from/to your bridesmaids because they're your friends and that's what friends do. I basically think being or having a BM isn't really all that different from being or having a friend. Usually friends help eachother, which often manifests as some help with some wedding-related stuff because that's a major part of what's going on in your life. I leave "help" vague on purpose, it can range from listening to you vent about vendors, to giving you marriage-planning advice, to helping you with put the tags on favors, to everything in between. There are times in my friendships where one of my friends has stuff going on so the friendship becomes unbalanced (i.e. not 50-50). That's OK, because I know my friend has my back and is willing to pick up the slack when I'm having a rough time. So even if my closest friend was struggling with something and I knew I'd have to be the 70, in the 70-30 part of our relationship at that time, meaning I'd have to help her more than she could help me, I'd still want her standing up with me. Most of my close friends and I are in grad school and have very limited funds and time, so anyone in my circle who asked anyone else would realize that her BMs couldn't help that much with the details of wedding planning. I personally would do my best to help in ways I can (maybe find things or advice online because I can do that gradually with random chunks of time), but I also really weddings and planning parties, which not all my friends do.
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]
I didn't really have anything specific to reference there...just for hypothetical purposes. I've never been in a wedding because it's the first for my group of friends so just the whole aspect of bridesmaids is new to me so that's why I wanted to know what everyone thought. You are totally right about everything you said about a BM and a friend being similar to one another...very well put!
The problem is that brides expect too much out of their BM's. If all you expect them to do is buy the dress and show up then anything they do above and beyond that is a bonus. A B&G should not have to rely on anyone to do projects for them for their wedding, and they certainly can't demand anything of their BMs.
[QUOTE]garcias, if TK had a "like" button, I would've clicked it tons of time on your post. :)
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]
Haha, I think sometimes a girl loses sight of this kind of stuff when she gets engaged. They end up believing that they are entitled to things that they are actually not. And PP hit the nail on the head when she said the extra stuff comes from being a <em>friend</em>, not a BM. Any friend can do those other "duties" for you. That's why there is no rule that dictates that the BMs HAVE to throw the shower. Most people realize that anyone can throw a shower if they want to. The person is doing it because they are your friend, not because you gave them the title of BM.
Puppy Love
[QUOTE]Laura, there is a right answer to what the requirements are, and that is to get the dress and show up. There is no right or wrong answer to what you want to do as a BM, and there is no award for being the most helpful BM either. <strong>I have been in weddings where I've helped the bride with everything she needed and planned her pre-wedding parties. I was also in one for my college roommate who lived OOT and I simply bought the dress and showed up. </strong> There is no listing in the program that says which BM did what, and who "slacked" as a BM.
Just out of curiosity, an underlying theme seems to be that the BM offers to do this stuff-did you offer or did she ask to do a lot of the planning? I just my BMs to be as involved as they WANT to be without asking them to do anything...just trying to find that perfect balance!
The problem is that brides expect too much out of their BM's. If all you expect them to do is buy the dress and show up then anything they do above and beyond that is a bonus. A B&G should not have to rely on anyone to do projects for them for their wedding, and they certainly can't demand anything of their BMs.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
And I completely agree with this,too.
Puppy Love
Most people will be willing to do more than the bare minimum for a friend. But that doesn't increase what the bare minimum is, and they should do it because they want to, not because someone presumes that they have to.
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
Ditto Garcias about telling people how to respond, but usually, if you ask a question and are level headed about the responses you get, you won't need to use that disclaimer. People here don't generally go nuts unless someone is being unreasonable-- which is actually great. Personally, I would want someone to tell me I was being crazy, wouldn't you?
Happy planning.
They have a ring on their finger, and suddenly they're entitled to boss people around, because "they're getting married and it's soooooooooo stressful." They suddenly feel entitled to tell their friends how to wear their hair, what color to paint their nails, and what shoes to put on their feet, because "it's their SPESH-UL" day.
They suddenly feel entitled to demand that their friends help them make favors, visit venues, stuff envelopes, and essentially help execute their wedding, because "they're the bride".
And it's just not at all true. At least, IMHO. Back when I got married, BM's were NOT expected to help plan or execute their friend's wedding. We literally did just get the dress and show up.
Not a single one of my BMs attended my showers. I didn't attend showers for the brides for whom I was a BM. I would have found it odd. I didn't address invitations or assemble favors when I was a WP member. My WP didn't do that for me.
We showed up at the rehearsal and wedding day. I have no idea what my friends wore on their feet. I have no idea how their hair was, but I know we all had hot rollers in the church nursery where we dressed.
We also had no drama. Not in weddings I was in. Not in my own wedding. And I think that's because there was not the culture of bratty entitlement that there seems to be now.
Of course, there were no wedding tv shows showing out of control brides or ridiculous competitions (like 4 weddings). We did have bride's magazines, but they didn't have "duties" listed.
Let me also say that I've been MOG and MOB. And my DIL and my DD were great brides. They didn't have ridiculous expectations of their WP. Their WP's did not do a lot to help them with their weddings. In both cases, WPs were all OOT friends. And here's the most important part: post-weddings~there are no hard feelings.
Many self-absorbed, entitled brides cannot say this. Because they've bought into the wedding machine which has more fantasies in it than the Magic Kingdom at Disney. And that's just very, very sad that people put a party over their friends and family.
[QUOTE]laura: the big problem here is that wedding tv shows, wedding movies, wedding magazines, wedding websites have all created this notion of entitlement in women. They have a ring on their finger, and suddenly they're entitled to boss people around, because "they're getting married and it's soooooooooo stressful." Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
I swear, sometimes I think DH and I are the last two people on the planet who didn't have a single stressful moment when planning our wedding.
AKA GoodLuckBear14
I didn't expect, or even really WANT, help with the planning from any of them. #1, it wasn't their job to help (because MH and I decided to have a wedding, not them), and #2, we wanted to do it ourselves so that we could do what WE wanted without a million different opinions being shouted at us.
It was just easier, simpler and calmer to do everything ourselves (aside from, again, the fact that it wasn't their job to help with the plans). Getting other people involved would've just made things more complicated ... having to deal with different opinions, schedules, etc. Blech. No thanks.
I won't lie ... I would've been upset if there wasn't a shower or (to a lesser extent) a bachelorette. Not because "I'm the bride so I deserve these parties," but, "Doesn't anyone want to spend some time with me?" But if these parties didn't come to fruition for whatever reason, I never would've said something to the two BMs, because it'd just make me sound like a gigantic, greedy biitch to say, "Why didn't you throw me a party?"
I'll also add that my one BM attended my bachelorette, who didn't know anyone but me and doesn't drink, with a smile on her face. The party consisted of dinner, a comedy club and a bar (although she politely bowed out when we got to the bar). I wouldn't have blamed her in the slightest had she decided to skip the party, but it meant SO much to me that she attended and was seemingly happy the whole time. I know she was likely uncomfortable for some aspects of the night, and I hope that if/when her turn comes I can help plan an event for her that's full of stuff SHE wants to do and people SHE is friends with.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What does having a bridesmiad/being a bridesmaid mean to you? : I swear, sometimes I think DH and I are the last two people on the planet who didn't have a single stressful moment when planning our wedding.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]
TLDH, It cracks me up that you had to put a disclaimer on your sig. I remember the thread where the girl freaked out. That is really funny.
FWIW, I haven't had one yet either, except money, which I think in today's economy is pretty normal. Granted, I am still pretty far out, but our WP is great, our parents have been great, the vendors (so far) have been easy to work with... Knock on wood, I hope the rest is this easy.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What does having a bridesmiad/being a bridesmaid mean to you? : TLDH, It cracks me up that you had to put a disclaimer on your sig. I remember the thread where the girl freaked out. That is really funny. Posted by bdulli13[/QUOTE]
I just had a newb on the Ceremony board who I have this image of her crying, wiping away a tear and never coming back because she read the siggy as part of my post.
She wants to get married on a decommissioned aircraft carrier and I told her that putting her full name in her siggy and using her name as her screen name was 1) not smart and 2) from lurking onthe military brides board I know the mod occassionally has to remind people that giving out too much information can endanger the lives of service men and women.
Bdulli - has your dad figured out his project's go live timing yet?
AKA GoodLuckBear14
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What does having a bridesmiad/being a bridesmaid mean to you? : I just had a newb on the Ceremony board who I have this image of her crying, wiping away a tear and never coming back because she read the siggy as part of my post. She wants to get married on a decommissioned aircraft carrier and I told her that putting her full name in her siggy and using her name as her screen name was 1) not smart and 2) from lurking onthe military brides board I know the mod occassionally has to remind people that giving out too much information can endanger the lives of service men and women. Bdulli - has your dad figured out his project's go live timing yet?
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]
The biggest flaw with TK is when you sign up they don't make it clear that whatever you decide to use as your username is going to be broadcast for all to see. They suggest first name last initial, which may make people think it isn't used for much, and being unfamiliar with TK, don't know there are message boards where it will show. A lot of people use their emails because so many other websites suggest that to easily remember, but those are websites where there aren't message boards and the like.
To get huffy because someone suggested I might be putting my loved ones or myself (because truly, she could well be living alone while he is away on deployments!) in danger sounds absolutely ridiculous. If anything, she should thank you for pointing that out. Crazy.
Well as predicted, right now they are saying dad can have the week prior off, even with the rollout. I am so happy, and he is trying not to get too excited, but I can tell that he is. He wants so bad to take the kids to Disney World beforehand! Of course, could change fifteen more times, as you well know, but for now it's all good. I did forget about that drama, since everything is fine for now. Okay, that's two. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
If my BM can do favors for me, that's great. However, I realize that my local BM is trying to sell her house and may not be able to afford to throw me a shower, and my out-of-town BM may not be able to help me assemble favors.
What is comes down to is that the girls that will be standing beside me are there b/c I consider them my closest friends and want them there to support me in a visible way. If they showed up in a burlap sack, I'd be happy as long as they were there (I'm sure they'd have a good reason). I can't be too demanding - I got my nose pierced just before a friend's church wedding (I hate to say it, but the thought that it might bother her didn't even cross my mind, and I hate that I think that it did).
[QUOTE]One last thing: Brides who believe in MY DAY arent necessarily bad or selfish people....they're BRAINWASHED. It starts from the time they're born thanks to today's media. Normally intelligent and caring people lose their sense when they start dreaming about white lace and seed pearls. I'm certain many of them look back later and wonder, "WHAT?? was I THINKING???"
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
I agree but sometimes it does take telling someone that she is selfish and self-centered (sometimes in a chorus) to begin doing away with the effects of this brainwashing.
AKA GoodLuckBear14