Am I out of line?

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

My fiancé and I have been engaged since late October 2010. We decided that we wanted a mid-July wedding in 2012 since our families have no birthdays or wedding anniversaries during that month. We were thinking July 14th because there are no reenactments scheduled the second weekend of July. We have nothing booked, but planning on making some solid arrangements in the fall. My little sister got engaged this past Valentines day and decided that they were to wed THIS July. Well, her boyfriend found out she had been sleeping around (and even broke up one of our friends marriages in the process) and called off the wedding. She moved back in with my folks and return the ring (that SHE bought). They are working on things and plan to wed, you guessed it, the same weekend that we were planning on. Am I out of line for being upset? I think it is a lot to ask of our families to travel to VT for two wedding in the summer, let alone in July. We have an uncle that will most likely travel from Virginia to VT and one from Penn to VT. I don't want to make them choose between her and I. Shes trying to tell me that July 14th is the date that they consider their anniversary of them starting to date. I think that she lost her chance for a summer wedding and that she needs to plan it either a couple months before our after mine.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-out-of-line-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:993d44ea-189b-4935-bd6b-bc057238916aPost:73c88b6c-ae69-43e0-ab10-94993d03c8ed">Am I out of line?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiancé and I have been engaged since late October 2010. We decided that we wanted a mid-July wedding in 2012 since our families have no birthdays or wedding anniversaries during that month. We were thinking July 14th because there are no reenactments scheduled the second weekend of July. We have nothing booked, but planning on making some solid arrangements in the fall. My little sister got engaged this past Valentines day and decided that they were to wed THIS July. Well, her boyfriend found out she had been sleeping around (and even broke up one of our friends marriages in the process) and called off the wedding. She moved back in with my folks and return the ring (that SHE bought). They are working on things and plan to wed, you guessed it, the same weekend that we were planning on. Am I out of line for being upset? I think it is a lot to ask of our families to travel to VT for two wedding in the summer, let alone in July. We have an uncle that will most likely travel from Virginia to VT and one from Penn to VT. I don't want to make them choose between her and I. Shes trying to tell me that July 14th is the date that they consider their anniversary of them starting to date. I think that she lost her chance for a summer wedding and that she needs to plan it either a couple months before our after mine.
Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

It's not your date until you have deposits down. And yes, you're being unreasonable with that last thought.

ETA: based on what you shared about their relationship are you SURE they're going to make it down the aisle? You might be worrying about nothing.

jenjenaz · May 2011

i'm not sure if i'm in the minority here or not, but i feel like you have a right to be upset. i'd ask her, kindly, to see if she could move the date to a few months before or after your wedding.

what are the odds that this wedding is actually going to happen?

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

Do you think its unrealistic to ask family to travel so far twice in such a short time frame? Thats my biggest worry. I don't want them to feel like they have to pick on or the other.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-out-of-line-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:993d44ea-189b-4935-bd6b-bc057238916aPost:9bc160f5-b12a-4fc0-9b97-52627659ee5f">Re: Am I out of line?</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you think its unrealistic to ask family to travel so far twice in such a short time frame? Thats my biggest worry. I don't want them to feel like they have to pick on or the other.
Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

No, that's certainly okay to be concerned about.

mica178 · May 2011

Do you have a place booked? If not, then no one's date is set in stone.

I think it would suck if she chose the same date as you. If she picked a different weekend in the same month, it might be inconvenient to your guests, but it's out of your right to make demands. But you definitely cannot ask for a two month buffer around your date. That's unreasonable.

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

So, what do I do? Give up on having a summer wedding so she can?

Bubbalub · May 2011

I agree with B. Your sister can plan her wedding for whenever it works best for her and her fiance. I understand, though, feeling upset that your sister plans on getting married the same weekend as you. I would be upset, too.

Like B said, until you put down deposits and finalize your date, neither of you has dibs on it. It's over a year away and, from the sound of it, your sister and her fiance have a lot of issues to work through in that time. Have they put down a deposit yet?

Try to focus on your own wedding right now and get things nailed down. Then your sister can make her decision and you will have to, in the end, let her make it.

nattykins · May 2011

I think I would be a bit upset, but I have to agree that it's not "your" date until things are confirmed.

That being said, it never hurts to have that chat with her.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-out-of-line-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:993d44ea-189b-4935-bd6b-bc057238916aPost:93819388-f665-4cdc-b5da-b6da2415eea3">Re: Am I out of line?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, what do I do? Give up on having a summer wedding so she can?
Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

No you set a budget, figure out your guest list and then book a venue for the guest list to claim your date.

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

We don't have anything set in stone. We ahve talked to our church and they are keeping that Saturday morning avalible for us. We just don't have the cash yet for a deposit.

Bubbalub · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-out-of-line-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:993d44ea-189b-4935-bd6b-bc057238916aPost:93819388-f665-4cdc-b5da-b6da2415eea3">Re: Am I out of line?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, what do I do? Give up on having a summer wedding so she can?
Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

No, you focus on your own wedding and let your sister deal with hers.

mica178 · May 2011

Again, have you picked a venue and paid a deposit? If so, that date is yours. Then it's up to your sister to either change her date or make a decision about inconveniencing your common family and friends.

lindseyann410 · May 2011

Did your sis know that was the date you and your FI wanted?

And like the others said, the way that relationship is going, it might not even be an issue. I would suggest booking a venue and putting down a deposit so it is officially "your" date. Then that's that. She could still decide on the same date, but then it's pretty terrible and selfish of her.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

The other option that pops into my head is that if you really want all of the OOT relatives to be there and only travel once would be to have 2 weddings the same weekend. One on Friday or Saturday and the other on Saturday or Sunday.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

Wait. I'm confused. You said you were thinking July 2012 and your sister THIS July. That's a year apart.

[QUOTE]My little sister got engaged this past Valentines day and decided that they were to wed THIS July.[/QUOTE]

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

they were suppose to marry this July. He caught her sleeping around and are pushing the wedding back a year so they can work things out

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

Oh, got it. I read that but totally had a brain fart.

ootmother2 · May 2011

This post confused me

DramaGeek · May 2011

I don't think you have to have a venue for it to be your date. We were like you and only one weekend worked for us, so we called that our date. It took another month or so for us to find a venue, but everyone knew it was our date before we had a venue. You just have to call it that and not be wishy washy with the "we're thinking about" stuff. "We're getting married July 14" claims your date, as far as I'm concerned.

Now, you and your family can certainly express concern to your sister about the convenience factor if she were to get married at the same time as you, but in the end it's up to her and her fiance. In that case, I think I'd send STDs to the OOTers before she did so they'd make plans for mine first. But I'm evil like that.

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

I tried to talk to her and I just get "well, you guys might not be together then and its our anniversary, blah, blah, blah." I may just concede and try another date. It would be absolutely rude/ridicules to ask our Uncles+ their families to travel up to VT twice in on month. If I can't get her to back down, I might get stuck with a fall wedding IF my church is available.

redheadfsu · May 2011

You can't demand she change her "date" or anything. Right now neither of you have a date. You have a date when you book the venue.

But, I seriously doubt that both of you get married on your "date." They just broke-up/working it out. If and when they start really planning/book things. So just plan your wedding. If and when she see starts looking/booking venues, your family can discuss the difficulties of two weddings in such a short time because of OOT guests.

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

oh, I consider it our date because I have a church reserved....just havent put a deposit down yet. Its a small church community and that is just how they work. If we want that date, we have it. They don't care if we wait to pay until the day of.

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-out-of-line-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:993d44ea-189b-4935-bd6b-bc057238916aPost:0b336242-99e8-4ffd-8724-fd32af36342c">Re: Am I out of line?</a>:
[QUOTE]I tried to talk to her and I just get "well, you guys might not be together then and its our anniversary, blah, blah, blah." I may just concede and try another date. It would be absolutely rude/ridicules to ask our Uncles+ their families to travel up to VT twice in on month. If I can't get her to back down, I might get stuck with a fall wedding IF my church is available.
Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

Wait, what? Why does she say you might break-up?

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-out-of-line-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:993d44ea-189b-4935-bd6b-bc057238916aPost:5d1c1c4c-4880-4d34-a7a4-f4884557b786">Re: Am I out of line?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I out of line? : Wait, what? Why does she say you might break-up?
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Because she is a little sister and is trying to make herself look like she has the upper hand in the situation. There is no worrys that we are going to break up.

DramaGeek · May 2011

Then you should tell your family that you've reserved the church and will be getting married on July 14, 2012. Stop with the "we're talking about" "we'll solidify plans later" etc. That makes it sound like it's still up in the air.

And ditto rehead, why would your sister say that to you?

ETA - nm, you posted at the same time as me. Your sister sounds like a gem.

Cynthiajt1 · May 2011

a gem is an understatement. My soon to be sister in law took me out to lunch on my b-day and we started talking about my 2 real sisters. Out of no where she was like "Your sisters are kinda white trash, arnt they?" lol.

and I keep saying that we will be solidifing plans because our reception is still very much up in the air. We might have it at a local brewery or have it out side.

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-out-of-line-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:993d44ea-189b-4935-bd6b-bc057238916aPost:dc74dac3-8246-4cf7-a09e-7b6990fd46e0">Re: Am I out of line?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I out of line? : Because she is a little sister and is trying to make herself look like she has the upper hand in the situation. There is no worrys that we are going to break up.
Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

Then just plan your wedding for when you want it. Sounds like she is just hurt about her relationship issues and is insecure. Telling you that your relationship might end is very rude/ inappropriate. So...You can't control her. If she wants to she will plan her wedding on your date. Just book your stuff now. I'm sure your family/parents/someone will tell her that she will less guests because family can't go to both.

thesequel · May 2011

Claim the date - even send out STDs. My best friend did this last summer when she sister tried to pull the same garbage. Once she found out what her sister was up (the same kind of "gem-ness"), she sent out STDs and started planning.

Just an idea.

Good luck!

mkrupar · May 2011

Well if your church considers you to be getting married on July 14th, you're getting married on July 14th. Send out STDs to the OOT family first if you're that concerned that she would actually do this. What do your parents have to say in this situation?

It sounds to me like July 14th is your date and who gives a flying fart if it's their anniversary. (can it even still be their anniversary if they've broken up and are "working on things"?)

DramaGeek · May 2011

Ditto sequel - send STDs or even just verbally let the important people know (like mom and dad) that you've set the date for July 14 and you'll be getting married at X Church with a reception to follow.

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