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Wedding Party

Is it a crime not to have a flower girl?

We are not having a ringbearer or flower girl in our wedding. None of our friends or family members have young daughters and my fiance and I don't feel close enough to any families with young sons so we opted not to have either.

As more family members find this out, they seem shocked that we don't have a flower girl (surprisingly the lack of ring bearer isn't an issue). How do I handle this when I'm fed up with people asking why and telling me on what I'm missing out on by not having one?

Re: Is it a crime not to have a flower girl?

  • We didn't have either one and it was fine.  Neither is a requirement.
  • We aren't planning on having a FG/RB either. You are not alone.
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  • What are you missing out on, exactly? You should ask them that when they tell you you've just gotta have one.

    I didn't have any attendants but even if I had had BMs, I wouldn't had had a FG. As a teen, I used to joke that it was because I didn't want anyone at the wedding 'cuter than me.' But, really, I just don't see the point. I also wouldn't want to chance a super young kid not cooperating the day of.

    I was actually a FG around age 4, and I refused to walk down the aisle and I was screaming and crying so my mom had to carry me down the aisle and everyone started laughing and my mom started crying because everyone was laughing. I don't remember it obviously but it was very traumatic for my mom. :-(

    Just tell them you want to keep the WP small (if this is true), that you don't know anyone with a young daughter who you're close to and you don't see the point of putting a young girl in the WP just for the sake of having a FG. If all else fails, just tell people you don't want one and you don't want to keep discussing it. I don't see why people are so offended - GL with this! :-)
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    Uh-oh, did I do that?!

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  • Just say that you're not having one and you can even say exactly what you wrote here.
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  • Ditto Stina.

    We didn't have one either.  We didn't want to ask a child to be in the wedding just for the sake of a photo just like DH and I didn't get married for photos. 
  • Sadly, the previous posters won't tell you that not having children in your WP means your wedding will be invalid in 42 of the continental United States, and your state is one of them.  You'd better get on this, but quick.

    Just tell people you're not having children in the WP and that the decision's final.  If they continue to push, tell them you're done discussing it, and walk away....hang up the phone.....get off your blackberry.  They'll get the message.

    FWIW:  Two of my 3 children are married, and neither had children in the WP.  It was lovely.  I'm also a church organist, and I see far, far fewer weddings with children in them than weddings with kiddies on parade.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Tell them that nobody responded to your Craigslist ad.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_crime-not-flower-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:8331f63f-91db-4a7f-bda5-868742c47d50Post:e8950231-b3d4-420d-a6b5-fd57117b1974">Re: Is it a crime not to have a flower girl?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Tell them that nobody responded to your Craigslist ad.
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

    <div>HAHAHA. Too funny.</div><div>
    </div><div>People are weird about these things. There's a lot I'm not doing and people get horrified by some of it. Not having FG/RB, no veil, no limo, no garter toss, no stag and doe.</div>
  • The only people actually required to play any part at your ceremony is you, your FI, the officiant, and your witnesses.

    I think your family would want to lock me up - we are not having a wedding party at all.
  • "Well, Mom, I know that we're risking arrest by not having a kid running back and forth on the altar while we try to exchange vows, and that we're going to be fugitives and probably have to move to Ecuador to escape the law, but we thought we could use a little adventure in our lives."

    They're being silly.  Muster all the sarcasm that you can, and remember the adage to never work with animals or children.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • There's nothing wrong with not having a FG or a RB. If you have them it should be because they are children you are close to and want to include - if no kids fit that bill, then skip it. BTW, it is also acceptable to have one and not the other (FG but no RB, or vice versa), if that would help you at all. I think your family is probably just not used to the idea, but they'll get over it. If they continue to object, stick to your guns - make it clear that your decision is made and isn't up for negotiation.
  • My FBIL and his wife didn't have either.  They didn't want kids at the wedding at all for fear of it getting "messed up."  His wife (or rather her mother) is a bit uptight.  Much to their chagrin, some friends ended up bringing their young kids to the wedding.

    Anyway, I am going to have them because I have young cousins and I LOVE kids!  If they "mess up" it will only be cute, and it is really my favorite part of every wedding.

    That being said, it is obviously a personal choice.  No one (except creepy me who loves the kids haha) will most likely even NOTICE that you don't have them.  Seriously.
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  • We had a zero-kid wedding.  Just tell them that it's optional and you've chosen your wedding party, thanks.
  • we are not having a flower girl or a ring bearer..The ideal of screaming children that need to be put down for a nap during our ceremony freaks me out. I have been to a few weddings where the kids got out of control (one started a fire with the unity candle)... if they have a problem with it they can always RSVP with a "will not be able to attend".
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_crime-not-flower-girl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:8331f63f-91db-4a7f-bda5-868742c47d50Post:535475d4-2598-42e3-b62f-bef6d587bdd7">Re: Is it a crime not to have a flower girl?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Anyway, I am going to have them because I have young cousins and I LOVE kids!  If they "mess up" it will only be cute, and it is really my favorite part of every wedding. That being said, it is obviously a personal choice.  No one (except creepy me who loves the kids haha) will most likely even NOTICE that you don't have them.  Seriously.
    Posted by lindseroo[/QUOTE]

    lindeseroo:  just because someone doesn't want kids in their WP, it doesn't mean that they don't like kids.

    I love kids.  I have 3 of my own, plus two children-in-law that I love. I have been a teacher for a long, long time, and I teach preschoolers.  I didn't have kids in my WP. 

    My DIL is a second grade teacher and loves kids.  She didn't have kids in her WP.  My DD was a kindergarten teacher who adores children and is happiest when she can interact with them.  She didn't have kids in her WP.

    We all believe that there are occasions that are appropriate for children, and there are occasions that are appropriate for adults.

    But we still love kids.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • No need to get so defensive Trix, I don't think she meant anything by it...

    what is stag and doe?
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  • I don't mind kids at weddings at all. I think weddings should include kids in attendance. Having said that I do not like kids in weddings. They tend to act up, cause commotion and detract from why we're all there. We're there to see a couple of people in love marry each other and celebrate them and their new life.  Kids in weddings are just nuisances. 


  • We're not having any FG or RB either, for several reasons. First, there are several girls of FG age in our families and we don't want to deal with the family politics of choosing some FGs over others (and we don't want a whole flock of FGs).

    Second, my church doesn't allow anything to be thrown on the floor, so the FGs would just be walking down the ailse, not spreading flower petals.

    Third, the church bridal room is tiny and the last thing we need in there is a couple of little kids running around with them and more people (their moms) crowding the room.

    Fourth, we are having an adults-only reception and don't want to have to make an exeption for FGs.

    My advice is to firm on the issue from the beginning.  If you tell people you are considering FGs, then they assume they can talk you into it. 
  • Why do they giveashit?  Tell them that you don't have any kids in your immediate family so you are having a flower woman and man instead, and tell them that you'd like for them to audition for the part. 

  • If you dont want a flower girl, dont have one! I hate hate hate children and am having a zero children wedding. I just dont think it is a appropriate to have a late night saturday open bar wedding with a bunch of little brats running around. Plus little girls love brides, so unless you want a bunch of urchins hanging onto your train, cut the kids out!!!
  • My future brother in-law has offered to be our flower girl! He'll be 16 when we get married. I guess I'll tell everyone that he's got it covered and let them all be a little worried.

    Thank you all so much for your encouragement! It's so nice to know I'm not the only one not having children in the wedding party! Thanks again!
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