i'm needing some honesty here

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

okay..so all of you in LDR....or not. either way

does anyone deal with jealously at all??

AllAboutTheBenjamin · February 2011

No.

Is there something wrong? I usually think jealously is more about insecurity.

joyfulbride424 · February 2011

I did when FI started his job - lots of powerful successful women in his business. I stopped worrying after a while, and I DEFINITELY stopped worrying after he proposed. No jealousy anymore. Are you going through something?

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

ya...i am pretty sure what i am dealing with. so i NEED some prayer

my FI is in Southern Cali going to a ministry school and i am in Nor Cal. His schooling doesnt allow us to "emotionally date" so we are not allowed to talk, email, text..nothing! all of the wedding planning goes through his mom and then his mom talks to him and gets back to me. it totally sucks!

then i see pics of him with other girls in the school..laughing, hanging out. the other girl students tweet him back and forth (i cannot even follow him on his twitter) and even retweet pics of him. he says he is "in lockdown" with other girls and is "not allowed to talk to them" but that is not what i am seeing. i know he is trustworthy and that he is marrying me in 6 months...but its hard.

i am jealous that these other girls get to talk to him, pray with him, spend time with him, grow with him, and do life with him.....while i am here not having ANY connection with him. i know it is only for a season...and the season is ALMOST over (only a little over 2 months) but its still hard.

i know its just the enemy trying to steal my peace in this season too..but at times its hard to silence that voice. i start to think "well what if he grows away from me? what if he has a connection with another girl?" idk.....

suggestions? anyone ever felt like this? please help and pray for me because i DO NOT want this to be a problem of mine in our marriage. i want it resolved now!

AllAboutTheBenjamin · February 2011

He isn't allowed to talk to his fiancee? I think that's weird.

Do you have any reason to believe he'd betray your trust? I know my husband would never, ever betray me. I don't have a jealous bone in my body.

fpaemp2011 · February 2011

Just thinking practically...Is there someone you could talk "through" who could let him know what you're seeing makes you feel _______? I don't know your relationship with your FMIL, but I could imagine that being an uncomfortable conversation to have through her. After he knows how that makes you feel, would he be able to tell those girls (essentially) "Back off, I'm engaged" or would that get him in trouble?

I respect the two of you for coming under the authority he is under and obeying them...but I can't help but think it's a little...odd...that the school would prohibit "emotional dating" yet allow men and women in their program to spend time together. It seems if they wanted to be free of all "emotional" distractions during the first year, the school would have rules about spending time with co-ed students, as well. Just my 1 1/2 cents.

Continuing to pray for you, Lilies.

~Emily

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

no..he is not. actually.....no one really knows we are engaged there since it would techinically be "against the rules" with the whole "no emotional dating" thing.

no..i mean...there was a rough patch when we first started dating (like a year ago) but he has more then proven himself since then. i guess i just overreact since we cant talk...and these other girls can.

i guess i am insecure. worried he could find someone else. and just TYPING makes me feel dumb...because it is SOOOO not the truth. the enemy just wants to steal my joy.

its VERY hard since we cant talk..and since no one knows we are "together". EVERYONE hear knows! at work...(i work front desk at a hotel) i probably mention my FI over 10 times a day to different guests checking in......but over there.....no one knows. they know he HAD a gf before he went to school.....but they all think (and i am sure pray) that he is gonna stay in So Cal..and not be with me.

its a tough situation.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · February 2011

Yeah that is tough indeed. I can't say I'd be a hundred percent on board with that, quite frankly. I mean it's cool that he's going through with his education in the ministry and that is very commendable. I just think that policy is whacked.

I'll pray! And I wish you the best.

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

fpaemp - ya..that is EXACTLY how i feel with the whole spending time with other girls thing..but not being able to talk with me. they are the "staff" so APPARENTLY its okay, i guess. idk. and the pics of him with girls is with other guys there too...and they are at church functions...so APPARENTLY thats okay too. the whole situation is odd to me.

there is just sooooooooo much! just a little background - the pastors of the church (and school) dont approve of me. they think my FI should do "better". They have told him (numerous times) that i am not the one for him..and that being with me would be "second best" and not "God's perfect will". ya...shocking, huh? and this is from a man who is SHAPING my FI to be a "Godly Man".

Now...i dont wanna bash the entire program because my FI truly has changed for the better and has gotten WAY closer with God and has discovered his worth and value (which is something i have been praying for). But....this particular pastor has not held his tongue when i am mentioned. which is why my FI cannot mention me to anyone anymore.

it truly sucks...and has created even more insecurity in me thinking "well what if my FI starts to believe that his pastor is saying? what if i am not the best for him? what if being with me is settling?"

i have talked to my FMIL about all of this (and the things that his pastor has said about me has made her FURIOUS) and she just says..you know..thats wrong and i need to forgive and not let it get to me. not everyone is going to like..and not everyone is going to approve of me...but me and my FI and we love eachother and knows that i am his rib.

fpaemp2011 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:9675d116-c3e1-4e3d-bea1-479cec008976">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]but me and my FI--we love each other and know that i am his rib.
Posted by amongthelilies25[/QUOTE]

LOVE that!! :)

I can't even imagine being in your situation. Being over 1,000 miles apart until the day before the wedding is difficult enough for us. I cannot imagine having essentially zero communication. Continue to pray for the protection of your FI's heart, your heart, and for peace & grace (in lieu of patience...praying for patience is sooooo dangerous).

Also, I wish I could tell that pastor to mind his own business. Has anyone from the school/church staff even met you? I'm irritated about that for you.

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

emily! oh!!! you have noooo idea! it frustrates me soo much! i have met this particular pastor ONCE for about 15 minutes (seriously...15 minutes) he came over to the house at 2:30 and i had to leave for work at 2:45. i said "nice to meet you" and then 15 minutes later said "it was nice meeting you" and that is IT! his wife (whom i have never met or spoke too) told my FI (exact quote) "Monica may say she wants the same things as you..but she doesnt." The pastor told my FI "Monica is NOT the one for you..and if you marry her you will be in error." Then went on to tell him that when our marriage falls apart he wont be there to listen..since the pastor warned my FI.

yup! THAT is what is being said about me.

it makes my blood boil just writing it again. my FMIL told me that they are cursing their marriage and that i NEED to pray for them. So i did. i have to forgive them over and over again...because it hurt me SOOO deeply.

thank you, emily, for the advice. i will continue to pray. this is (BY FAR) the hardest thing i have done..and i never imagined i would EVER have to do this. but i am here...fighting.

joyfulbride424 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:8587909a-c0f3-49ca-9e7b-1df74be16311">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>He isn't allowed to talk to his fiancee? I think that's weird.</strong> Do you have any reason to believe he'd betray your trust? I know my husband would never, ever betray me. I don't have a jealous bone in my body.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

I'm scratching my head because I feel the same way. I'm confused why the school would prohibit him from talking to his FI. You're not dating anymore.

Anyways, that's a different battle and I'm sure you've pounded your heels in the ground wondering the same thing. I can't say that I empathize - but I can say that I will definitely pray for you because I am 100% positive I would feel exactly the same way. Hear this from an outsider though - he misses you. He wants to be with you, and he loves you so much he decided to spend the rest of his life with you. You only have 2 months and change to go - hang in there dear, and be strong! I commend you for coming this far with that kind of situation.

Anyways, like I said you have nothing to fear, and I will definitely keep you in my prayers <3

joyfulbride424 · February 2011

I just read that nobody knows you're engaged. I find it absurd with the no emotional dating thing... anyWAYS, I have my opinions about that but I will just continue to pray, since you already stated the school rules and such.

joyfulbride424 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:560e31d4-3bce-4f5f-a249-e75a8635d72e">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]emily! oh!!! you have noooo idea! it frustrates me soo much! i have met this particular pastor ONCE for about 15 minutes (seriously...15 minutes) he came over to the house at 2:30 and i had to leave for work at 2:45. i said "nice to meet you" and then 15 minutes later said "it was nice meeting you" and that is IT! his wife (whom i have never met or spoke too) told my FI (exact quote) "Monica may say she wants the same things as you..but she doesnt." <strong>The pastor told my FI "Monica is NOT the one for you..and if you marry her you will be in error."</strong> Then went on to tell him that when our marriage falls apart he wont be there to listen..since the pastor warned my FI. yup! THAT is what is being said about me. it makes my blood boil just writing it again. my FMIL told me that they are cursing their marriage and that i NEED to pray for them. So i did. i have to forgive them over and over again...because it hurt me SOOO deeply. thank you, emily, for the advice. i will continue to pray. this is (BY FAR) the hardest thing i have done..and i never imagined i would EVER have to do this. but i am here...fighting.
Posted by amongthelilies25[/QUOTE]

::sigh:: my blood would boil too honey. wow...

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

ya i know! uhh!!!

and then to say that "when our marriage fails"......what an expectancy.

loves2shop4shoes · February 2011

Hoo boy. I would be absolutely LIVID if I were you. I'm sorry, but for your FI to allow people he spends a great amount of time with to shittalk his FIANCEE and not have the peaches to tell them you're ENGAGED...that would put me over the top. Does he really think it's ok to be essentially lying by omission to his pastor, while you sit home like a dog and talk about him 10 times a day? I get this is his education, but to not allow him to engage in "emotional relationships", but to allow him to interact with women who they apparently approve of is BS.

Honestly...there is just SO much wrong with the ENTIRE situation.

Why would your FI WANT to spend time with these people? They sound judgmental, rude, not holy, and not close to God. THESE are REALLY the people your FI wants to learn from?

Honestly...I would be pissed and I don't know that I could let this whole situation go.

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

joyfulbride - thanks for the prayers.

here is the situation..........at school (this year) my FI is supposed to take this year and focus just on God and not have any other "emotional dating"...BUT he proposed when he came home on xmas break because of a conversation my FMIL and i had. i said that i dont want to start planning a wedding until i have a ring on my finger. knowing that my FI wanted to get married to next summer...they sat down and discussed it. My FI wanted to propose on xmas anyways and since he now had his mom's permission he bought the ring. he said he just couldnt wait.

we knew when he got back to school that it would be hard and that we had to keep it a secret. BUT my FI....with learning about how secrets kills relationships and wanting to be honest he decided to sit his pastors down and tell them the truth. well..they tried to kick him out of school! they told him that he had 2 days to decide if we wanted to stay (his mom was all ready to buy a plane ticket). Thats when he sat with the pastor and he said all these things about me and about our future marriage being in error and bla bla bla.

My FI had to go back to the pastor the next day....and humble himself and tell him that he wants to finish school...that he has learned so much and wants to keep growing and wants to finish this out the right way. the pastor said the way to do that is to call it off with me. WELL...my FI didnt....but now.....its even more under wraps. so......idk...i guess we are being dishonest...but as this point idc.

i do NOT agree with this pastor...(and to top it all off...he has been a family/friend for YEARS! like my FMIL has known him since he was little!!!! ) and hearing his name makes me angry...but ihave to work through this. but i am saying one thing..if he DARES to come to my wedding i cannot promise i will be a loving hostess to them.

loves2shop4shoes · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:a0a99a9d-673d-40da-9fd3-e6503a1ce586">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]joyfulbride - thanks for the prayers. here is the situation..........at school (this year) my FI is supposed to take this year and focus just on God and not have any other "emotional dating"...BUT he proposed when he came home on xmas break because of a conversation my FMIL and i had. i said that i dont want to start planning a wedding until i have a ring on my finger. knowing that my FI wanted to get married to next summer...they sat down and discussed it. My FI wanted to propose on xmas anyways and since he now had his mom's permission he bought the ring. he said he just couldnt wait. we knew when he got back to school that it would be hard and that we had to keep it a secret. BUT my FI....with learning about how secrets kills relationships and wanting to be honest he decided to sit his pastors down and tell them the truth. well..they tried to kick him out of school! they told him that he had 2 days to decide if we wanted to stay (his mom was all ready to buy a plane ticket). Thats when he sat with the pastor and he said all these things about me and about our future marriage being in error and bla bla bla. My FI had to go back to the pastor the next day....and humble himself and tell him that he wants to finish school...that he has learned so much and wants to keep growing and wants to finish this out the right way. the pastor said the way to do that is to call it off with me. WELL...my FI didnt....but now.....its even more under wraps. so......idk...i guess we are being dishonest...but as this point idc. i do NOT agree with this pastor...(and to top it all off...he has been a family/friend for YEARS! like my FMIL has known him since he was little!!!! ) and hearing his name makes me angry...but ihave to work through this. but i am saying one thing..if he DARES to come to my wedding i cannot promise i will be a loving hostess to them.
Posted by amongthelilies25[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I will preface this by saying that I'm not trying to pass judgment here. I'm genuinely concerned about you. I swear I'm not an evil biitch.</div><div>
</div><div>That being said...your FI LIED to people about your continued engagement. HOW ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?! School or no school, an education should NEVER take over your entire life. If he were becoming a Catholic priest, I can see how being engaged would be an issue...but he's NOT. So they need to back off.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, WHY would your FI want to be around people daily who shittalk his FIANCEE?? What could he possibly have to learn from these people? How to conduct himself in a rude, ignorant, non-Christian way?</div><div>
</div><div>Furthermore, it concerns me how involved your FMIL is in your relationship. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her, which is great. But YOU should be able to communicate with YOUR FI WITHOUT HIS MOTHER RELAYING THINGS CONSTANTLY. I mean, if she gets this involved now, when you get married, she might STAY this involved. And there's just not room for 3 in a marriage.

</div><div>Are you sure you want to marry him? How old are you both? How long have you been together? If you're feeling jealous, you're obviously feeling insecure about the relationship...are you really sure this is right?</div>

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

loves2shop -

he has told the ppl that they are wrong. that he knows we are meant to be together..and the reason that they are judgmental and all that is why he is not continuing school there. but it was important that he finish his year because 1) he made a committment to the Lord (and we know God will honor it) and 2) if he leaves school early we still have to pay them.

the whole "no emotional dating" thing would make sense for someone who wasn't in a relationship prior....which is what we thought it was going to be.. that way they can focus on God. but it kinda makes me feel like being with me is a hinderance or he is unable to get close to God if being with me...which AGAIN makes me feel not good enough.

and because we cant talk..i am not 100% sure what is allowed and not allowed with the opposite sex. he says (and so does FMIL) that he is not allowed to be emotional with girls and all that jazz...but idk what goes on. i know when he was home for Xmas, one of the girls who's his leader was texting him and even sent him a xmas card. but because they are not "intimately attached" and dont have a "soul tie" its allowed. but isnt talking, tweeting, and hanging out getting them attached and creating a soul tie? ya...and THIS is my problem!

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:2eba5648-96bc-4fb9-810c-5b997303889a">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are you sure you want to marry him? How old are you both? How long have you been together? If you're feeling jealous, you're obviously feeling insecure about the relationship...are you really sure this is right?
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>i am sure that i want to be married to him. i love him..and dispite all of this i know its right. i am 23 and my FI is 22. We have been together for over a year. I am feeling insecure...but i know it is because of this seperation and all the drama that is going with it. </div><div>
</div><div>i know its seems ODD that my FMIL is sooo close in our relationship at the moment..but it wont be like this always. i actually live with her and the family. lol. so that is another reason why we are soo close. but she has made it clear that once i marry her son that two become one flesh and the momma role is replaced. so i am not worried about her overstepping the marriage boundaries. (in her previous marriage that is what ruined it..so she knows how it should and shouldnt be)

</div>

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_im-needing-honesty-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e4d1b050-32cc-4f29-94e8-508291148bcbPost:2eba5648-96bc-4fb9-810c-5b997303889a">Re: i'm needing some honesty here</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: That being said...your <strong>FI LIED to people about your continued engagement. HOW ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?! School or no school, an education should NEVER take over your entire life.</strong>
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>yes...he did omit the truth to the pastor about our engagement...but idk what else could have been said or done. and it is only for 2 more months.
<div>
</div><div>

</div></div>

kellya01 · February 2011

I can't offer much different than PP's but I can pray that you find peace in your circumstances. God always finds a way to show you His face. Look for it, and let that be your focus. Your FI will still love you when his school is over, and you love him dearly, so try not to let the jealousy / crazy pastor insulting you / not being able to emotionally date get to you... It's a temporary season, and one that your FI agreed to do. It is commendable that you are doing everything YOU can to keep that commitment true too. I'd be on the computer or something every night trying to chat with my FI for sure. Go you!

jkh1182 · February 2011

um, is he going into the priesthood? What kind of churh is this school affiliated with? It sounds more like a cult to me. Something doesn't seem right here to me at all. If the college really was as strict as you say it is then it should probably not be Coed. I don't want to point fingers or make accusations that are not true, but I am concerned for you. Do you think your FI could have lied about the college? I'm sorry I don't mean to add doubt to your troubling situation, but something just doesn't seem right to me about this situation. I would just put it in God's hands for now. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be. If it's not then it's not.

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

ya...he is not lying about the school. its like a master's commission. (:

the school is affialated with Assemblies of God.

i have heard other ppl say that it is like a cult. lol. i assure you..it is not. actually a lot of ministry schools have these type of dating rules. mine did not...which is was ONE of appeals to it for me.

i'm actually feeling ALOT better after some alone time with God last night and a lot of journaling. this season is strengthening us...and i cannot let a dumb innocent picture or tweets or any of that doubt the love that my and FI have for eachother. i WILL not allow the enemy to take ground in my relationship any longer!

so what? ppl dont like me....ppl didnt like Jesus and KILLED him for their "disapproval"..i choose to be like Jesus and pray for them for "they know not what they do."

New joy comes in the morning..and that is where i am at. i know that this season gets annoying and frustrating and hard...BUT i CHOOSE to love and accept love.

i trust my FI with EVERYTHING that is in me..i trust him. i know what he went to that school for - to become a better man to be a better husband to me and a better father for our future children. (: NOTHING has changed in that area..and from this day forward i will forever walk in His truth!

SaraAndrew2010 · February 2011

I'm sorry you are in this tought situation. My honest opinion is that your FI needs to choose between his relationship with you and this pastor.

If you two are going to be married, your FI should be doing everything possible to build a strong foundation for your marriage. Having to lie about his engagement and being mentored by a pastor who has flat out told him that his marriage to you will fail is not the way to do this. This pastor may mean well, but he is undermining the relationship you have with your future husband by putting doubts in his head. It's not healthy to start off a marriage with lies and doubt.

sessionswedding · February 2011

You want honesty? Here goes. I would have one last conversation with FI about this, and it would not be through his mom, I would call him directly come hell or high water.

FI, you either leave that crazy cult TODAY, or I leave you. Period. A man is supposed to be willing to die for his wife the way Christ died for the church, and you won't even stand up for me when some pastor talks down about me?

Lillies, I would be very seriously reconsidering this wedding. Sounds like your FI already is. My FI would have punched that pastor in the face for saying something like that about me. And no, you're not wrong to feel jealous or insecure or angry in this situation, because I already feel it for you.

loves2shop4shoes · February 2011

I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but you really need to reevaluate things. The PPs have given you really good advice.

I'm about the same age as you...I'll be 23 in a few weeks. I can tell you one universal truth: just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should marry that person...and frankly, just because someone is a good person doesn't mean he's THE right person for you. One year is not a ton of time to be with someone before getting engaged, especially at our age. You are still very much learning about who your SO is at the one year-ish mark...and your FI is showing you that his priorities might be SERIOUSLY off.

A good marriage is built on 4 fundamental things: love, trust, respect, and long-term compatibility. You may have love, but it sounds like trust and respect may be waning. You don't completely trust your FI, and your FI can't possibly respect you that much if he allows people to shittalk you, pastor or not. Your FI can't possibly respect and value your relationship that much if he's willing to lie about it.

Long-term compatiblilty is another issue. You have to both have sufficient levels of ambition as to not hinder the other person's dreams. You have to be physically compatible. You have to relate to each other well, in good times and in bad. You have to be able to COMMUNICATE effectively.

IMHO, without all four of the aforementioned things, you won't have a happy, successful marriage. And IMHO, your relationship is missing at least 2/4 of these things, and arguably a third.

I think you need to try to not close down emotionally after reading these posts (which I'm SURE are difficult to read) and really, really THINK about what we're saying with an OPEN mind.

iamjoesgurl · February 2011

When we were in a LDR, I never worried about other girls. But we were in a much different situation because we could talk as often as we wanted and DH is not very outgoing so I wouldn't have thought he was hanging out with other girls. Also, we did personality tests and he is the type of person that is extremely loyal (I see that in all of his relationships) and so I felt that when he chose me to spend the rest of his life with, it would truly be the rest of his life.

The pastor at this school sounds very controlling and that's not good. But as you said, it is only for two more months and then you'll be together without worrying about his school. I sent you a PM. Hang in there.

BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe · February 2011

Ok, I've read everything finally and here goes:

I would be very hurt and frustrated as well. I think that's completely normal - don't fret too hard about that.

I agree, there are serious flaws in the schooling your FI is going through.
I also agree, your FI did try to stand up for you a bit, but maybe he could have done that a little better, and talked to them again - not that he didn't try, I'm not saying your FI was wrong in anyway.
I can completely understand honoring what your FI has committed to, and I agree he should - but is there a way he could do so by not interacting as much with the ladies at the school, focusing more on Him, and biding his time until that season is over? I know there are tests and trials, and I, too, commend your FI for honoring his committment to the Lord. Is the pastor there off a bit on his track, and maybe not realize it quite yet? Maybe he is also part of the test, and it will build your and your FI's relationship even stronger. I don't know if lying by omission is best, but I do understand trying to finish the schoolling. I'm not an expert - if it were me I would hope my FI would talk to the paster, tell him that we are engaged and that he has peace when praying about it, and maybe they just need to spend more time with you and get to know you. I would hope FI would ask them where they got their ideas about you, and if they kicked him out (hopefully not) - I would try and help FI to honor his committment still with Him, though maybe not at that school. Make sense? I hope it does. :P I'm not saying that's what YOU should do, that's just what I would do - right or wrong. You guys are very close to the end though, so I do understand just waiting it out. I would ask my FI if he for sure was still 100% committed to marrying me, letting him know I'd understand either way. I know he would say yes, sometimes it's just nice to hear.

I'm not an expert, and am definitely human, so you might take that with a grain of salt. It sounds like a very hard, odd, and sticky situation and I know you are doing your best!!

Hang in there. I agree to focus on Him and pray for peace, grace, and understanding (in lieu of patience I agree), as well as God to guard your FI's and your hearts. It's very good that you trust your FI, and I'm glad you do.

Your FI loves you, I'm sure, and I don't think would go through this schooling if he didn't. He wants to be a better man/husband/father (when you have kids) and that shows his love for you. Prayers are coming your way!!

Props to you for helping your FI honor his committment, in this season of trial!!

amongthelilies25 · February 2011

b2b- thank you again!

yes my FI ADORES me.....and honestly, doesnt hang out with girls as much as my crazy imagination likes to think so. he reassured me that last night. there are strict boundaries with theopposite sex and the point of this school program is to get closer to God.

venting doesnt get the whole story out..and there is a lot more to it then what i have written. my FI has stood up to them and has not ALLOWED them to bad mouth me. he has put this pastor in check more than once.

agreed...omition is wrong and shouldnt be done...but at the end of the day..the pastor knows that martin will be home to marry me in may even if he isnt directly saying it...thats why he opted to miss the missions trip and come home on may 8th (instead of may 23rd..where EVERYONE else will be coming home).

when i spoke to my FI last night...he told me that he has boundaries and that people know he is in a relationship..not because of his words but because of his actions. he DOES NOT cross a boundaries with the girls at his school. he is a wonderful man.

SE+MB · February 2011

I'm going to be honest and not sugar-coat things.

First, a friend of mine had a friend who was of the opposite sex who went to a school similar. Idk if it was the same school, but it was a Christian school and she couldn't have contact with the opposite sex. I think it was a girls-only school. I found that it was very strange that they couldn't have ANY contact with the opposite sex and I found that it could cause rebellion.

That said, I don't think that your fiance should be LYING (omission is the same as lying in this case) to his pastor. Yes, the rules of this school are a little ridiculous, but when your fiance decided to go to this school he should have obeyed the rules. When your fiance comes home, and marries you, then ALL the people that went to the school that didn't know you guys were together could turn their backs upon the rules and think that it's OK to do sneaky things. Look at the example he's setting...it's not a good one. Since your fiance wants to be in the ministry, I think that it is blatently disrespectful to disobey the rules that he AGREED upon.

Next, you two have only been together for 1 year. How much time out of that ONE year have you actually gotten to spend with him? Usually schools start in August, and if you've only been together for 12 months, then that would be only 6 months that you've actually gotten to know each other (February, March, April, May, June, July then August he goes to school). IMO, there seems to be some underlying issues (I can only go by what I've read in these posts) that need to be discussed before marriage. I usually don't ever say this, but maybe you should rethink whether you should get married so soon.

As for the pastor, I think that he is also being disrespectful to your fiance (well he doesn't even know you're engaged so that's also disrespectful to the pastor) by telling him that you aren't the right person for him. I think that you need to pray for the pastor and ask God to show him how rude and un-Christian-like he's being.

Since he's coming home so close to the wedding, I'm guessing you won't be having any counseling so I guess that's out the window.

Who's marrying you? I hope you don't expect that pastor to?

i'm needing some honesty here

Re: i'm needing some honesty here

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