Best man refuses to come?

cmej2012 · May 2012

My fianc and I are planning on having a very intimate destination wedding next month. We sent out save the dates and lists of local hotels over 9 months ago and let guests we planned on sending only 25 invitations know that due to the small nature of the wedding, we will not allow plus ones unless we know the extra guest very well. We sent out our invitations a few months ago very clearly labeled with guests names and without plus ones, but the best man returned his RSVP at nearly the deadline with a plus one penciled in. After days of him trying to argue with my fianc about how unfair it was that he couldn't bring a girlfriend hes been dating for a few months that we have never even met our final count is only 20 guests, he said he would no longer be attending the wedding. What would have been the best way to handle this situation?

adamar15 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:53772630-ff20-4fed-b902-66e2394c5890">Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fianc and I are planning on having a very intimate destination wedding next month. We sent out save the dates and lists of local hotels over 9 months ago and let guests we planned on sending only 25 invitations know that due to the small nature of the wedding, we will not allow plus ones unless we know the extra guest very well. We sent out our invitations a few months ago very clearly labeled with guests names and without plus ones, but the best man returned his RSVP at nearly the deadline with a plus one penciled in. After days of him trying to argue with my fianc about how unfair it was that he couldn't bring a girlfriend hes been dating for a few months that we have never even met our final count is only 20 guests, he said he would no longer be attending the wedding. <strong>What would have been the best way to handle this situation?
</strong>Posted by cmej2012[/QUOTE]

Invite the BM's girlfriend. You were rude not to. It doesn't matter how long they've been dating, if he considers her his girlfriend she should have been invited.

chrmun · May 2012

I'm afraid you're not going to find the answer you're looking for here. The bad news is that it is considered rude to invite people without their significant other. And, sadly, nobody gets to say how "significant" their other is, except for the people in the relationship.

If I was in that guy's position, I would have done the same thing.

Ividian · May 2012

I don't think you should feel obligated to invite his girlfriend. Is it a nice gesture, yes, is it necessary, no. You're not the first person to not invite plus ones.

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

I would invite the girlfriend, sincerely apologize to the BM for my rude behavior, and then start calling the other guests and extending apologies with invitations to their s/o's.

Having a small wedding is no excuse for treating people this way. You need to get to grovelling.

MyUserName1 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:5ad08e25-5c8f-4117-9627-416a2450061b">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you should feel obligated to invite his girlfriend. Is it a nice gesture, yes, is it necessary, no. You're not the first person to not invite plus ones.
Posted by Ividian[/QUOTE]

<div>Plus one = random date. </div><div>
</div><div>Girlfriend =/= plus one.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, you could have handled this by not being rude to your guests by not allowing them to bring their significant others.</div><div>
</div><div>Team Best Man.</div>

adamar15 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:5ad08e25-5c8f-4117-9627-416a2450061b">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you should feel obligated to invite his girlfriend. Is it a nice gesture, yes, is it necessary, no. You're not the first person to not invite plus ones.
Posted by Ividian[/QUOTE]

It's not just a nice gesture, it's what is correct, etiquette-wise. You don't break up social units. She may not be the first person to do it, but that doesn't make it right.

sparent2010 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:5ad08e25-5c8f-4117-9627-416a2450061b">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you should feel obligated to invite his girlfriend. Is it a nice gesture, yes, is it necessary, no. You're not the first person to not invite plus ones.
Posted by Ividian[/QUOTE]

it doesn't matter what you think. It matters what is correct, from an etiquette stand-point. I would allow him to bring the GF.

Like Mun1- Team BM.

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

We had a 12 person wedding. I really really understand your mindset of "I don't want random people at the wedding." I get it.

That being said, we had one guy on our list who wasn't seriously dating anyone and could have had a girlfriend at the time of the wedding. It was ultimately decided that if he wanted to bring his girlfriend, he was going to be allowed to do so and I was going to get over it. Be the bigger person.

chrmun · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:5ad08e25-5c8f-4117-9627-416a2450061b">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you should feel obligated to invite his girlfriend. Is it a nice gesture, yes, is it necessary, no. You're not the first person to not invite plus ones.
Posted by Ividian[/QUOTE]

OP, please disregard this advice. It is 100% incorrect.

chumlee7478 · May 2012

It doesn't matter whether you're having an intimate DW or a 300+ person wedding, you don't split up couples. Imagine how you'd feel if someone left your FI off an invite because you aren't married yet, so you aren't in a serious relationship. Probably not very good? Yeah.

Call your BM and apologize, and let the GF come. Call any other guests and invite their SOs as well, if they were left off the list.

In 20 years, the money you spend including these people in your wedding will not matter, but the relationships severed because you're being rude now will.

pkontk · May 2012

OP, would you really be so cold as to deny your FI his best man because you have never met his girlfriend?

redheadfsu · May 2012

Is your FI willing to never speak to his Bestman again? I doubt it. OP, would you want your FI to go to a destination wedding without you? I doubt it. The Bestman is being a good boyfriend, you are being a bad friend. Invite the girlfriend and call everyone else and invite their significant others too.

MattsPenguin · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:2b81181c-f05d-4b96-8a9e-dd6ab9e09aa1">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best man refuses to come? : it doesn't matter what you think. It matters what is correct, from an etiquette stand-point. I would allow him to bring the GF. Like Mun1- <strong>Team BM</strong>.
Posted by sparent2010[/QUOTE]

YAY! TEAM BM!

myname1234 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:106fa4f8-e4f2-41c0-86eb-d8d877c76ad2">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would invite the girlfriend, sincerely apologize to the BM for my rude behavior, and then start calling the other guests and extending apologies with invitations to their s/o's. Having a small wedding is no excuse for treating people this way. You need to get to grovelling.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

this.

Your Best Man is totally in the right in this one.

Maggie0829 · May 2012

Let him bring his girlfriend. This isn't some random guest, this is the best man and since he is the best man must be very special to your FI. It was rude of you to not let him bring her. I would call him up, apologize every which way you can and let him know that he may bring his GF with him.

Meghannsix · May 2012

Another vote for team BM!

A few years ago, I was a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding. Despite being in a relationship at the time of several months, almost a year if I recall, I was not invited with a guest. There wasn't a lot of family there, I knew about five people, basically grandparents, aunts and uncles. I'm still irritated about it a bit. If it was a friend instead of a sister, I'm not sure we'd be speaking anymore. Invite the girlfriend!

HockeyFan4 · May 2012

you need to call the BM right and apologize immensely for your huge etiquette blunder. If i was you I would be begging him.

eirwyn · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:ea739054-fb80-4301-abe2-6d363cc74fb2">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]In 20 years, the money you spend including these people in your wedding will not matter, but the relationships severed because you're being rude now will.
Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
This.

If you asked me to be your MOH for a DW and I was not allowed to bring my BF, it would severely affect our friendship. The BM is spending money to be part of your wedding; surely, you can find an extra $40-60 to accommodate his GF's dinner at the reception.

tpender13 · May 2012

Ditto PPs -- it's his GF, not some random chick. I wouldn't consider going to a destination wedding without my SO, even if we had only been dating a few months. At that point in our relationship, H and I were already looking for an apartment together. And if a very close friend told me that my SO was not welcome at their wedding, I would be re-evaluating that friendship.

hoffse · May 2012

Also realize that the BM values his relationship with this girl enough to decline being best man at the last minute in order to back her up. He's doing the right thing. You're doing the wrong thing. And even if you don't think it's serious, if his behavior doesn't indicate serious then I don't know what does.

Another vote for Team BM.

LeiselEB · May 2012

If they've been dating for a few months, she's obviously not just a plus one. Let him bring his girlfriend, and apologize for telling him that he couldn't. It's only one person, ya know?

QueerFemme · May 2012

I agree with previous posters that you need to call the BM immediately and apologize for being so horribly rude and tell him of COURSE he can bring his girlfriend. Explain that the stress of planning your wedding must have gotten to you and you absolutely forgot your manners.

A girlfriend is not a plus one. A girlfriend is a relationship. A plus one is just a "date". As SOON as he asked about bringing his girlfriend, you should have accomodated him. But, instead, you argued with him. You have some serious apologizing to do.

kmmssg · May 2012

You need to make this right. It doesn't matter if YOU know the girlfriends/boyfriends, SO's, etc. If someone is in a relationship their partner needs to be invited. Not a flavor of the week, a relationship.

Do you really think it is right to ask these people to attend your destination wedding alone? I don't.

shanliann · May 2012

I get both sides, I really honestly do. You probably are going to end up having to invite her(which sucks) but 1 piece of advice from a wedding i previously attended, if or when you do talk to the best man, if you are going to have a photographer/ do ANY kind of pictures explain that you would appreciate if his girlfriend would step back and not be in the pictures. Of course you can do a group picture of whatever to include her, but just as respect you would appreciate her not taking part. I had a friend in a similar situation to you last year, only it wasnt a girlfriend it was simply a date. When the bride got her wedding pictures back a bunch of us got together to look at them and share the pictures we had taken, and this girl was allllll over the pictures!!! Pictures of her and the groom, pictures of her and the parents of the groom, pictures of her and the bar tenders, oh could i go on and on. Point is, pictures are forever and since she is a girlfriend she should understand that she may not be around forever.

Other things about the situation that would bother me: The best man needs to grow some balls, ok his girlfriend wasn't invited, sucks, maybe its wrong etiquette, but he is obv close to the groom, hints why he is part of the wedding party. Why would you chose your girlfriend over a close friend? rude!
If you are in a new relationship with a guy, and he is in a wedding and you not invited, sucks, but how could you let him step out of the wedding on acount of you. No way, she should have stood up to him and said look this sucks and i wish things were different but this guy is a close friend of yours and you need to be there!!

LDYGTR13 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:fc0a77bc-4825-48d9-a1ec-1cc34dc690fd">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let him bring his GF.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]
Yup. basically forcing him to go on vacation without her is bogus.

Matty143 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:5ad08e25-5c8f-4117-9627-416a2450061b">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you should feel obligated to invite his girlfriend. Is it a nice gesture, yes, is it necessary, no. You're not the first person to not invite plus ones.
Posted by Ividian[/QUOTE]

If you were MOH in a destination wedding, you wouldn't be pissed off if your friend said you couldn't bring a date? Please. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

runpipparun · May 2012

I think it comes down to priorities:

1) Your wedding vision: "Intimacy" (which apparently you feel would be ruined by this woman that your hubby's best friend finds delightful enough that she is willing to spend $$$$ to help you celebrate your wedding). In this option in every wedding picture, BM would be absent and you will forever remember that you were too rigidly set on "intimacy" to follow proper etiquette, and it ruined his relationship with his friend.

2) Having your hubby's best friend be there, thereby looking like a generous, classy soul, and meeting someone who could is very, very important to him.

I think you could look in any etiquette book and find that the "no ring/no bring" rule does NOT apply to the bridal party. If you ask someone to be in your wedding, the automatically get to bring anyone they want, should that be Pamela Anderson or Barney the Dinosaur. They are your friends, and you should care about their happiness and trust their taste in guests.

tkddddddddd · May 2012

Since no one has asked and just assumes you're a bitch....was he dating the girl when you sent invites out? As etiquette dictates....only parties the invitie is addressed to are invited. If he wasn't dating her then and the invite is addresses the Mr. Best Man....then I think he's in the wrong. You can't go " Oh, when I got the invite I was single and ow I'm it so I should get to bring her" when she wasn't in the picture then.

AceTT · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:14e8d0d9-7162-4ace-8960-ad40baf31581">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]I get both sides, I really honestly do. You probably are going to end up having to invite her(which sucks) but 1 piece of advice from a wedding i previously attended, if or when you do talk to the best man, if you are going to have a photographer/ do ANY kind of pictures explain that you would appreciate if his girlfriend would step back and not be in the pictures. Of course you can do a group picture of whatever to include her, but just as respect you would appreciate her not taking part. I had a friend in a similar situation to you last year, only it wasnt a girlfriend it was simply a date. When the bride got her wedding pictures back a bunch of us got together to look at them and share the pictures we had taken, and this girl was allllll over the pictures!!! Pictures of her and the groom, pictures of her and the parents of the groom, pictures of her and the bar tenders, oh could i go on and on. Point is, pictures are forever and since she is a girlfriend she should understand that she may not be around forever. Other things about the situation that would bother me: The best man needs to grow some balls, ok his girlfriend wasn't invited, sucks, maybe its wrong etiquette, but he is obv close to the groom, hints why he is part of the wedding party. <strong>Why would you chose your girlfriend over a close friend? rude! </strong>If you are in a new relationship with a guy, and he is in a wedding and you not invited, sucks, but how could you let him step out of the wedding on acount of you. No way, she should have stood up to him and said look this sucks and i wish things were different but this guy is a close friend of yours and you need to be there!!
Posted by shanliann[/QUOTE]
Because your significant other/spouse is generally the most important relationship in your life... that's why. Wouldn't you choose your S/O over a close friend?

AceTT · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-man-refuses-to-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8430f199-aac1-4747-8cb5-7ad56b5fd9b3Post:21efff93-d2d0-4c5f-82f2-7cfc6a867b05">Re: Best man refuses to come?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it comes down to priorities: 1) Your wedding vision: "Intimacy" (which apparently you feel would be ruined by this woman that your hubby's best friend finds delightful enough that she is willing to spend $$$$ to help you celebrate your wedding). In this option in every wedding picture, BM would be absent and you will forever remember that you were too rigidly set on "intimacy" to follow proper etiquette, and it ruined his relationship with his friend. 2) Having your hubby's best friend be there, thereby looking like a generous, classy soul, and meeting someone who could is very, very important to him.<strong> I think you could look in any etiquette book and find that the "no ring/no bring" rule does NOT apply to the bridal party.</strong> If you ask someone to be in your wedding, the automatically get to bring anyone they want, should that be Pamela Anderson or Barney the Dinosaur. They are your friends, and you should care about their happiness and trust their taste in guests.<div>Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]</div><div>
Just FYI - the "no ring/no bring" rule is a load of BS. If someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend, their boyfriend or girlfriend should be invited. Period. Some people date for 20 years and never get engaged/married because they choose not to. Under this BS rule, their relationship would not be considered significant enough to warrant a plus one to an invitation. Ridiculous.</div>

Best man refuses to come?

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