Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding

rmfallen424 · February 2013

So if the grooms parents are paying for the entire wedding, should just their names be including on the wedding invitation as hosts?? What is the proper etiquette on that?

mlg78 · February 2013

That's correct.

AddieCake · February 2013

It doesn't HAVE to be that way. My father paid for our whole wedding, and we put

Together with their families,

Bride's Name

&

Groom's Name

even though his parents didn't contribute at all.

rmfallen424 · February 2013

Thank you! Invitations have already been sent with just grooms parents. Bride's parents are upset now. Nothing we can do about it now. It wasn't to hurt their feelings we just thought that was proper etiquette.

jessicabessica · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-paying-for-entire-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2498c1-92fb-4a27-82b5-66d5499f8e0aPost:2e614702-99ae-4cdf-bda2-2677b1733df2">Re: Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you! Invitations have already been sent with just grooms parents. Bride's parents are upset now. Nothing we can do about it now. It wasn't to hurt their feelings we just thought that was proper etiquette.
Posted by rmfallen424[/QUOTE]

Sorry you're in that situation. This is why I would always suggest to run the invitation wording by both sets of parents (assuming you have decent relationships with them). It's a pretty small thing with high upset potential and an easy fix.

rmfallen424 · February 2013

Grooms parents are hosting the wedding. Brides parents haven't done anything.

zantster · February 2013

The groom's parents will be the only ones on ours as well because my mom passed away and my dad and I are not on good terms. No one else from my side of the family has offered to do anything. FH's parents have been amazing from day one so the invites will reflect their continual support (financial and emotional) and input. They are also flying in from overseas twice in one year just to help out. Nothing against those families who try to help out in other ways that are not financial. But in my case there has been no assistance of any kind from my side besides well wishes. So, that's what will be reflected on the invitiations.

manjermj · February 2013

Hosting is different than paying. My husband and I paid 100% of our wedding ourselves, yet both sets of parents "hosted" our wedding and were listed on the invitation. I can see why the brides parents would be hurt if they were not on the invite, but that is something that should have been discussed before sending them.

mlg78 · February 2013

I don't mean to sound like an idiot but how does one host without paying?

Jager1219 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-paying-for-entire-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2498c1-92fb-4a27-82b5-66d5499f8e0aPost:6e8ecc39-92f5-44f9-bbfa-1ddfbd18fa1f">Re:Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't mean to sound like an idiot but how does one host without paying?
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]
I'm glad you asked - I was wondering the same thing?

nycrose2013 · February 2013

You're not an idiot. Sometimes I feel like the whole hosting vs. paying argument gets stretched to death on here. In the real world, the person who pays is probably also the point person, person who receives the RSVPs, etc. It isn't really that often that someone who doesn't pay at all is considered the host, even less in a wedding situation. Besides, I think it is a pretty big insult to the person who forked over the cash to be told well you aren't hosting, so your name won't be on the invite, just because they didn't perform some other hosting role.

People like to use both sets of parents names, or together with their families, to get around these problems.That works for some people, not all. You did the right thing

rmfallen424 · February 2013

Thank you all for your responses! I do feel bad that they have their feelings hurt, but the bride has been hurt tremendously by the lack of support financially and mentally from her parents.

Maggie0829 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-paying-for-entire-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2498c1-92fb-4a27-82b5-66d5499f8e0aPost:6e8ecc39-92f5-44f9-bbfa-1ddfbd18fa1f">Re:Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't mean to sound like an idiot but how does one host without paying?
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

I was wondering this too.

Typically, in my circle, the one who pays is the host. Whether that be the brides parents, the grooms parents, the couple or a combination of everyone.

When it comes to the wording of an invitiation, it is crazy how hurt feelings can get. The best thing to have done would have been to run the wording by both sets of parents to get their input. But, if it were me, I would not have put the brides parents on the invitaiton because they, to me, aren't hosting the event. They aren't paying anything or contributing in anyway so they really shouldn't be listed as doing so.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this but, I think you and the bride should apologize. Let them know that you meant nothing hurtful by not listing them on the invite but that since the grooms parents are paying for the entire wedding that you considered them the "host" of the event.

Many parents can think of not being listed on the invite as a snub but it really isn't. I didn't list my ILs on our invites and they weren't upset becasue they knew that they weren't hosting the event.

manjermj · February 2013

I think it's just different for all situations. The way we saw it was that just because our parents didn't contribute financially, doesn't mean that they didn't contribute greatlly in other ways. For this situation, it makes sense that only the grooms parents names were listed. For us, we paid, but our parents received all of the invites, helped a ton keeping things together and going to appointments with us and then on the day of, our parents were the ones greeting all of our guests at church then the cocktail hour since we were getting photos in between. That to me constitutes the title of "host".

zantster · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-paying-for-entire-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2498c1-92fb-4a27-82b5-66d5499f8e0aPost:1a6fe566-b00c-4c2d-9742-57ddb93afbd3">Re: Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding : So did the bride leave her parents off the invite to make some sort of passive aggressive point? If so, then I guess she got what she wanted?
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
From what OP said about her parents being totally absent in every way, leaving them off the invite wouldn't be passive aggressive. It would be an honest and accurate invitation. If the parents didn't help at all then they didn't host.

rmfallen424 · February 2013

No, that was not why they were left off the invitation. We truly thought that we were following etiquette. When we were filling out the invitaton online there wasn't a place to put two sets of parents. Maybe we should have checked further, but we can't change it now. I sure wasn't going to put their names when we are paying for everything. Sorry!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-paying-for-entire-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2498c1-92fb-4a27-82b5-66d5499f8e0aPost:1a6fe566-b00c-4c2d-9742-57ddb93afbd3">Re: Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding : So did the bride leave her parents off the invite to make some sort of passive aggressive point? If so, then I guess she got what she wanted?
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

Jager1219 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-paying-for-entire-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2498c1-92fb-4a27-82b5-66d5499f8e0aPost:82076958-026b-48ea-b81d-72cc42e308f0">Re: Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]No, that was not why they were left off the invitation. We truly thought that we were following etiquette. When we were filling out the invitaton online there wasn't a place to put two sets of parents. Maybe we should have checked further, but we can't change it now. I sure wasn't going to put their names when we are paying for everything. Sorry! In Response to Re: Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding :
Posted by rmfallen424[/QUOTE]
Makes sense to me. I actually did the same thing (my parents paid 100% of our wedding). I never thought to ask and it ruffled some feathers. Like you, this all happened after the invitations had been ordered. I truly have never seen it done differently unless costs were being split. I just said that we didn't mean to offend anyone, but that's how we've always seen it done. In actuality, I think my parents would have been really POed if we put "together with our parents/families" something like that on there. The only thing that we could have done was "son of".

Maggie0829 · February 2013

When I get invites in the mail and see that only the parents of the bride (or whatever) are listed I take that as the parents of the bride are paying for the wedding, not that the grooms parents didn't help or contribute in some other aspect.

I just always thought that hosting=paying and paying=hosting. Nothing more, nothing less.

Peledreamsofrain · February 2013

I'm sorry you are in this position with the families. Weddings somehow maximize melodrama.

We actually decided to exclude both parents from the invites because of the potential for melodrama. We did the hosting (execution, planning, work), so we just put our names on it. Anything else would have opened the way for one particular family member prone to melodrama to throw FITS.

rajahmd · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-paying-for-entire-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2498c1-92fb-4a27-82b5-66d5499f8e0aPost:51fb3ad5-cf0b-4700-9c8b-7ecee8e15eed">Re: Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you are in this position with the families. Weddings somehow maximize melodrama. <strong>We actually decided to exclude both parents from the invites because of the potential for melodrama. We did the hosting (execution, planning, work), so we just put our names on it.</strong> Anything else would have opened the way for one particular family member prone to melodrama to throw FITS.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what we are doing as well. Thankfully, we both have really laid back families, so they don't care either way. They know we are putting our hearts and souls, as well as our hard earned money, into this wedding, so they are just kinda sitting back and enjoying the ride.</div>

kmmssg · February 2013

For our girls, we host and pay for their weddings. We go to the vendor meetings, the kids choose what they want, we sign the contract and the planning begins. We do not plan our vision, we plan theirs, and it is a gift to them. 2 of the 3 chose "Together with our parents" for their invitations, and the third one chose something altogether different that was more Christian/Spritual and didn't mention parents at all. DH and I created a blended family with our girls so they have more than just a mom and dad - so "together with our parents" keeps harmony within the family and everyone is happy. (usually)

Some parents give a lump sum of cash to their engaged children to be used towards the wedding as they see fit. I think quite often the couple is seen as the hosts in that situation.

Ashes_3 · February 2013

My parents paid for mine and my sisters wedding, but insisted that both sets of parents be listed on the invite. They said it isn't about whom pays to them, it is about honoring the parents.

hoffse · February 2013

The host is the person who keeps the show running and receives RSVPs. This nearly always means they paid for it also, because that's how they became intimate with thise details. Example: at a shower, the host is the person who sends invitations, receives RSVPs, and coordinates the food, venue, etc. Its not any different for a wedding. Our wedding is in my hometown. My parents are paying for most of it, sending invitations, receiving rsvps, coordinating the vendors, etc. They are hosting that event. His parents are doing the same for the rehearsal dinner. They are hosting that event. Our wedding invitations list my parents as the hosts, and the rehearsal dinner invitations list his parents as the host. Its not an honor to be listed as a host it just gives signals to guests about who the point of contact should be for the event.

Jen4948 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grooms-parents-paying-for-entire-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3a2498c1-92fb-4a27-82b5-66d5499f8e0aPost:96cdaaa2-ff90-422e-b89b-1a25c5022b81">Re:Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Grooms Parents Paying for Entire Wedding : I'm glad you asked - I was wondering the same thing?
Posted by Jager1219[/QUOTE]

For wedding purposes, I think "hosting" involves not necessarily paying, but acting as the "point persons" of the wedding, i.e. issuing invitations, receiving replies, greeting guests, making sure that their needs are met. Sometimes people contribute without actually being the hosts, sort of like the way a charitable fundraising event might be held-donors put up the cash, but charity staffers coordinate the event, greet people, etc.

mrind1127 · June 2014

I have a VERY interesting situation and would love feedback...

My mom passed away when I was 13, absolutely no contact with my father, but have my aunt and uncle who are not financially involved or putting money towards the planning and the vendors of the wedding; however, my aunt/uncle is hosting my bridal shower and walking me down the isle.

My M-I-L wants to honor my mom and put her name on the invitation, but not my aunt or uncle, which i truly understand, but I am unsure how my aunt will feel- she isn't biologically my mom and is also assisting her son with a wedding too (marrying a few months after I am) as well as renovating her home after a house fire (told you it was a unique situation).

Is this okay to exclude my aunt/uncle from the invitation and add "and the late __________" for my mom?

STARMOON44 · June 2014

Not okay. It's an invitation. Dead people don't issue invitations. At least not on earth. It's morbid and inappropriate.

Together with their families would be nice.

mrind1127 · June 2014

Okay, well that wasn't the intent - it was to reference that my mom would have been assisting with the wedding should she have been alive and not passed away when i was younger.

Just researched and it's common to have the "late" parent mentioned on the invitation, so thank you regardless.

photokitty · June 2014

I am very sorry or your loss.

However - It may be common, but it is not proper. People listed not he invite are the hosts of the wedding. A deceased person cannot host. Paying does not always equally hosting. Your aunt may very well be a hostess at your wedding, and as such it would be proper to put her not he invite as a such.

I would use "Together withe their families" to get around it.

FYI - it is best to start a new thread rather than drag up an old thread that is not quite the same topic. It will help you get more views and responses

GL!

mrind1127 said:

I have a VERY interesting situation and would love feedback...

My mom passed away when I was 13, absolutely no contact with my father, but have my aunt and uncle who are not financially involved or putting money towards the planning and the vendors of the wedding; however, my aunt/uncle is hosting my bridal shower and walking me down the isle.

My M-I-L wants to honor my mom and put her name on the invitation, but not my aunt or uncle, which i truly understand, but I am unsure how my aunt will feel- she isn't biologically my mom and is also assisting her son with a wedding too (marrying a few months after I am) as well as renovating her home after a house fire (told you it was a unique situation).

Is this okay to exclude my aunt/uncle from the invitation and add "and the late __________" for my mom?

mrind1127 said:

Okay, well that wasn't the intent - it was to reference that my mom would have been assisting with the wedding should she have been alive and not passed away when i was younger.

Just researched and it's common to have the "late" parent mentioned on the invitation, so thank you regardless.

wrigleyville · June 2014

People who have passed away cannot host a wedding and, therefore, cannot issue an invitation to one. That's why they are not mentioned.

I'm not sure where you "researched", but Crane's says it's wrong (and Crane's is the go-to for invitation etiquette):

http://blog.crane.com/2012/02/07/wedding-etiquette-the-invitational-line/#father-deceased

mrind1127 · June 2014

Great, thanks everyone the suggestions. We will go forward with continuing to get our recommendations and when we look at invitations, we can ask the person doing them what they think.

Thanks again!

photokitty · June 2014

mrind1127 said:

Great, thanks everyone the suggestions. We will go forward with continuing to get our recommendations and when we look at invitations, we can ask the person doing them what they think.

Thanks again!

The person "doing them" is going to tell you whatever you want to hear because you are paying them. I recommend you look at the link Wrigley suggested. Crane's is the expert on proper invites. Otherwise don't ask when you already know what you want to do.

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