Hey so I have been engaged for about 8 months now and I am having major cold feet. I love my fiance with all my heart, he has helped me grow into a stronger person, being able to stand up for myself and identify what I want. But he has a habit of getting angry over the littlest things. I have tried coming to terms with this, thinking it is just me being over sensitive or the like, but it is getting out of hand, and quite frankly it is degrading to think like that, when my emotions are just as valid as his.
Right now the fiance got mad at me for forgetting to tell him I had a 9am workshop in the morning and he has elected to sleep on the couch for the night, accusing me of caring more about my job than about him. First off, I am still a college student. He just graduated. I am an all A student working on an honors thesis, and he was inherently average. The difference though is that he already has a future job and education lined up: he's an officer in the military. Whereas I plan to go to graduate school and even get a Ph.D., so I need to work hard so I can make it into a good school on a scholarship. Yet whenever I try to do things that he deems "unnecessary", it is me caring more about my future career than about him. In fact, whenever I want to do something that cuts into his time with me, I am ruining our relationship. He gets upset that I have to go to required advising (advising that he himself had to go to not even a semester ago), and if I plan time with friends during a time when he is at home, I am being unreasonable. I have to plan everything I do around his schedule. Frankly I am sick of it. My wants and needs are just as important as his.
I work at a women's shelter and know that this is borderline emotional abuse. Yet whenever I tell him something, it is me being crazy. We were in couple's therapy for a little while and he would always agree if the counselor told him something instead of me. Often, I would say the EXACT same thing as the counselor. But I am always wrong. I always tell him that we need to communicate about how we feel and listen to each other, but he never listens and refuses to talk to me when he gets mad, even going so far as to call me crazy.
From my wording, it sounds like I have made up my decision. There is a lot more to the story: failing grades for him, leaving a job I loved for him, etc. But there are two things holding me back:
1) I know the issue here is immaturity. Part of my plan has been to wait it out and see if he grows up. He is going to officer training school soon and I am hoping that will make him grow up, but by the time he comes back, I might not have enough time to decide if I can live with him before the wedding. Right now I believe I will have the wedding re-scheduled to give myself time to decide this, but I am scared.
2) Fear. I have given up so much for him. I fear leaving and having wasted all of my time, tears, love, money, hard work, etc. on him. I also fear leaving and regretting it. Then again, I DO NOT want to have to get a divorce down the road due to unhappiness. My family was broken up that way, and I will not do that to mine. So I have to be 100% sure this marriage is for me. The last thing I fear is being alone. What if I can't find someone as amazing as him?
So I just don't know what to do at this juncture. I really could use some advice.