Hey so I have been engaged for about 8 months now and I am having major cold feet. I love my fiance with all my heart, he has helped me grow into a stronger person, being able to stand up for myself and identify what I want. But he has a habit of getting angry over the littlest things. I have tried coming to terms with this, thinking it is just me being over sensitive or the like, but it is getting out of hand, and quite frankly it is degrading to think like that, when my emotions are just as valid as his.
Right now the fiance got mad at me for forgetting to tell him I had a 9am workshop in the morning and he has elected to sleep on the couch for the night, accusing me of caring more about my job than about him. First off, I am still a college student. He just graduated. I am an all A student working on an honors thesis, and he was inherently average. The difference though is that he already has a future job and education lined up: he's an officer in the military. Whereas I plan to go to graduate school and even get a Ph.D., so I need to work hard so I can make it into a good school on a scholarship. Yet whenever I try to do things that he deems "unnecessary", it is me caring more about my future career than about him. In fact, whenever I want to do something that cuts into his time with me, I am ruining our relationship. He gets upset that I have to go to required advising (advising that he himself had to go to not even a semester ago), and if I plan time with friends during a time when he is at home, I am being unreasonable. I have to plan everything I do around his schedule. Frankly I am sick of it. My wants and needs are just as important as his.
I work at a women's shelter and know that this is borderline emotional abuse. Yet whenever I tell him something, it is me being crazy. We were in couple's therapy for a little while and he would always agree if the counselor told him something instead of me. Often, I would say the EXACT same thing as the counselor. But I am always wrong. I always tell him that we need to communicate about how we feel and listen to each other, but he never listens and refuses to talk to me when he gets mad, even going so far as to call me crazy.
From my wording, it sounds like I have made up my decision. There is a lot more to the story: failing grades for him, leaving a job I loved for him, etc. But there are two things holding me back:
1) I know the issue here is immaturity. Part of my plan has been to wait it out and see if he grows up. He is going to officer training school soon and I am hoping that will make him grow up, but by the time he comes back, I might not have enough time to decide if I can live with him before the wedding. Right now I believe I will have the wedding re-scheduled to give myself time to decide this, but I am scared.
2) Fear. I have given up so much for him. I fear leaving and having wasted all of my time, tears, love, money, hard work, etc. on him. I also fear leaving and regretting it. Then again, I DO NOT want to have to get a divorce down the road due to unhappiness. My family was broken up that way, and I will not do that to mine. So I have to be 100% sure this marriage is for me. The last thing I fear is being alone. What if I can't find someone as amazing as him?
So I just don't know what to do at this juncture. I really could use some advice.
Re: Cold Feet NEED ADVICE
[QUOTE]1) I know the issue here is immaturity. Part of my plan has been to wait it out and see if he grows up.
Posted by MrMrsHolm[/QUOTE]
This is not a good idea. He sounds like kind of a huge douche, so I don't see him changing that. Yeah, the military may whoop him and make him grow up some, but not in the way that you're hoping. If he's not supportive now, military training isn't going to make him change. I'd cut your losses and gtfo.
" I have given up so much for him. I fear leaving and having wasted all of my time, tears, love, money, hard work, etc. on him. I also fear leaving and regretting it. "
I agree with the PP"s but have you thought that you have one life to live, only one. I was with one man off and on for 10 years, 18-28. Leaving him and his immaturity and antics was the best decision I could have ever made! I had the same fears you do but with only one life to live and knowing without a doubt that I did not want to take a chance on being treated almost the same way you are, I got out and I stopped looking behind myself. I was engaged last Saturday to a man who treats me like gold and who I thank God for everyday of my life for. It's either a leave and live or stay and pray situation.
He should be supporting your efforts to make a better future for yourself. Not make it harder for you to fulfill your commitments. He is like this now...imagine what his response would be when you are HIS wife...and HIS kids need tending.
You know what needs to be done here.
Also....it would never be a waste to have had this relationship. It will be invaluable in teaching you what you want out of life and from a husband. And that is support and love. Not control and the need to prevent educational advancements. Sounds like he may have an issue with the fact that you are smarter and more academically accomplished than he.
My step-dad was almost just like your FI, if it wasn't all about him then you were not doing it right or you didn't care about him. My mom did everything in her life according to how he wanted it to be. She says she was happy but when he passed away 2 years ago she realized the restrictions on her life that he had on her. I love him so much but when I met my H I said I would never let someone control my life or not let me speak up for myself. My mom knew going into the marriage how he was but hoped that one day things would change and after 22 yrs of marriage it never did. Just remember that its hard for an adult to change once they've been that way for so long. Best of luck in your decision!!
I broke up with my FI because after being together for 6 years he refused to get married. Just the logistics of leaving seemed overwhelming, finding a new place, divding up all of our stuff, packing and moving, paying all the bills on my own. This was hard and we had a "good" break up. We eventually got back together 6 months later but I'm happy I left and not just because we eventually got back together and got engaged. I'm happy that I had the strength and courage to leave. I know plenty of women who have stayed in bad relationships because they didnt think they could make it on their own. I was lonely a lot of the time but I reconnected with friends and had a lot of fun on my own. I went out and did new things, met new people, and was able to be completely and totally independent. I had lived alone before but I never lived alone AND was single and it was really fun at times.