Anyone not changing their name?

frantastic12 · May 2012

I'll be taking FI's last name, and I've never given it a second thought. My last name is a pretty long, butchered Italian name (and I have a long-ish first name), no one can pronounce it, and it's commonly misspelled, which means people at my job have a hard time finding me in the directory. I know some people like unique last names, but it's far more of an inconvenience to me when it winds up being spelled incorrectly on bank accounts, car loans, medical records, etc.

My dad has 2 sons and 4 brothers, all of whom have at least 1 son, so there will be plenty of people to carry on the name. If this were not the case, I'd probably entertain the idea of not changing, but I won't lie--I'm pretty excited for the much shorter, easier to pronounce married name.

ahhhitsshannyn · May 2012

I agree with Musu. I don't think a woman should be forced to change their name, but I do think that their FI's feelings need to be taken into consideration as well. Yes, it is your name, but it is also a tradition that your FI may have been looking forward to as well.

LeiselEB · May 2012

I agree with MuSu as well.

I'm planning on changing my name - I've never seriously considered not changing it. I love how my name sounds now, but I don't really see a name change as changing my identity all that much. In my head I can still be Leisel Maidenname, ya know? But I like FI's last name and like anything it will take some getting used to. I'm a pretty traditional person, though, as is FI, so it was never really a question that I'd take his last name. I'm kind of proud to be taking his last name, if that makes sense?

I can understand why people want to keep theirs for various reasons, but I never got on board with the argument that you shouldn't have to take a man's name or be his property or whatever. Everyone's last name is a man's name, technically, because of our patrilineal society. And I don't view a name change as an exchange of property - just a way to signify that you're married (not saying that keeping your last name means you're not married, that's just my take on it).

button6004 · May 2012

I'll be taking FI's last name legally, but I think I am going to keep my last name professionally. I have a very common easy to spell last name now but will be taking on an uncommon Swiss last name. While it isnt hard to spell, it can very easily be mispronounced and I guarantee the people I speak to on the phone would have no idea how to say it right. I've thought about keeping my name (since my friends say I have the "best name ever" the way it is) but I dont feel much of an attachment to my last name- its my mother's maiden name and she didnt have much of a relationship with the biological father who gave it to her. I'm still toying with the idea of switching my maiden name to my middle name- I will still have the same middle initial.

ginadog · May 2012

I did not change my name when I was married the first time at 25.

I'll be married at age 36 or 37 this time around. Believe it or not, I will actually change my name this time.

Not saying it will be easy to change, but I just feel so differently about it now (and the guy).

sarabellam · May 2012

Yes, she should take his feelings into account. But is he taking her's into account as well?

MyNameIsNot · May 2012

I left my name alone.

Changing it professionally would have been really difficult for me and could have had a negative impact on my career, but honestly, that isn't the reason I didn't want to change it. Like you, I feel like my last name is a part of my identity, and I don't want to lose it. I felt like moving it to my middle or hypenating would put H's identity ahead of my own. Honestly, I just couldn't think of a good reason to change it other than tradition.

It wasn't an issue with my H. His response was "your name, your decision." He was raised in a home with four different last names, so I think he's able to see it a little differently.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-not-changing-their-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4618e4d9-a4cf-4ef6-807d-d513ea367d44Post:81d6617a-ff49-4504-8c83-01d87ace804d">Re: Anyone not changing their name?</a>:
[QUOTE]I changed my name the first time I got married, but went back to my maiden name after I got divorced. I understand wanting to have the same last name as your children (to the extent that I changed my children's last names when I reverted to my maiden name). This time, I didn't change my name. <strong>My H was fine with that, so long as he didn't have to change his either.</strong> This is one of those super-personal decisions, where there is not a singular "right" or "wrong" answer, just what works out best for BOTH you and your husband.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

Pretty much this. My husband already has 4 names, he didn't need to add any. :-) My first and last names are long and multi-syllabic. Neither of us wanted to change, drop or add.

I never planned on changing it, so in a way, it was an easy decision. In another way, I find there's a lot of pressure to become "Mrs. Jones." I worried about what people would think, how it would happen, if people would "get" it, etc. But in the end, my reasons for keeping my name were much more important than what anyone else thought. And absolutely none of my family or friends were surprised or judgemental, including my in-laws!

Well, I do have a 94-year-old relative who addresses things to me as "Mrs. Robert Jones," but whatever. We've gotten "Mr. and Mrs. Robert Jones" a lot and how I react to it is completely dependent on the person. Elderly relative? Don't care. Someone who is friends with both of us on facebook and has received mail from us with our appropriate last names? That comes off as someone who doesn't care/is being a jerk. But it's not something major in the grand scheme of things.

Also, we came to a compromise where our children will have my last name as a second middle and my husband's last name as a last name. I don't see a problem with this, except that HE can be the one to explain that Daddy's name is NOT more important than Mommy's name, he was just kind of a jerk about tradition in that case.

Also, FYI, if you plan to go by one name at work and another socially, you need to use your legal name at work for your W-4s, paychecks, benefits, etc.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-not-changing-their-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4618e4d9-a4cf-4ef6-807d-d513ea367d44Post:9836c12e-fc93-4bf9-988d-5a3e5318af7e">Re: Anyone not changing their name?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with MuSu as well. I'm planning on changing my name - I've never seriously considered not changing it. I love how my name sounds now, but I don't really see a name change as changing my identity all that much. In my head I can still be Leisel Maidenname, ya know? But I like FI's last name and like anything it will take some getting used to. I'm a pretty traditional person, though, as is FI, so it was never really a question that I'd take his last name. I'm kind of proud to be taking his last name, if that makes sense? I can understand why people want to keep theirs for various reasons, but I never got on board with the argument that you shouldn't have to take a man's name or be his property or whatever.<strong> Everyone's last name is a man's name, technically, because of our patrilineal society. </strong>And I don't view a name change as an exchange of property - just a way to signify that you're married (not saying that keeping your last name means you're not married, that's just my take on it).
Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

Bullshiit. It's a name my parents decided to give me at birth. It's not my dad's property MORE than mine just because he's male. He's had it longer, sure, but no one, I promise, has ever questioned his right to be a "Lastname" just because "well, it was your father's name first" or "well, the spelling was changed when your great grandfather came to the US anyway." I absolutely hate the insinuation that women's last names don't matter. Or that "you'll just change it someday anyway." Or that women won't pass down their last names to their children. It's just as much my name as it is my brother's name even though I don't have a penis.

Meegles4 · May 2012

I changed my name, but am doing First, Middle, Maiden, Married. No hypens, I'm just considering it that I'll have 2 middle names.

I never thought it would be a big deal for me, but as I'm going through the process, it is a little bittersweet. It's your name, sure you have an attachment to it.

I disagree with people who think it signifies an exchange of property. I also agree with MuSu that it's not fair to get down on the men who would prefer their wives change their name. My H fell into this category and it was one of those things we never discussed and then when it came up and I half-joked about not changing it, he got a bit hurt. This doesn't make him a chauvinist pig who sees me as his property.

I like his name. I want our family/kids to all be named the same. I'm also the last of my last name (my dad was the only boy and he didn't have sons). So it's sad that the name dies with me. Likely I'll be working it into middle names of my children to make sure it lives on.

I do know a couple people with maiden names that would work as first names (i.e. Jackson) who have then given their maiden name as a first name for their son/daughter. I think that's a great idea. Unfortunately my name isn't so good as a first name!

LeiselEB · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-not-changing-their-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4618e4d9-a4cf-4ef6-807d-d513ea367d44Post:f828731c-2e81-4b58-a63c-f6c562bced47">Re: Anyone not changing their name?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Anyone not changing their name? : Bullshiit. It's a name my parents decided to give me at birth. It's not my dad's property MORE than mine just because he's male. He's had it longer, sure, but no one, I promise, has ever questioned his right to be a "Lastname" just because "well, it was your father's name first" or "well, the spelling was changed when your great grandfather came to the US anyway." I absolutely hate the insinuation that women's last names don't matter. Or that "you'll just change it someday anyway." Or that women won't pass down their last names to their children. It's just as much my name as it is my brother's name even though I don't have a penis.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You completely missed my point. I'm not saying that the last name you were given at birth isn't just as much your last name because you're a woman - my maiden name is MY name, I agree with you on that - I'm just saying that people are given last names based on their father's last name, or on their mother's, but usually the mother was given that last name because of her father, and so on. It doesn't mean it's not your name. I'm just saying that because of the way naming traditionally works in our society, every woman's last name is ALSO some man's last name, so even if someone wants to keep her maiden name because she doesn't want to take a man's name, she technically already has a "man's name".

</div>

missy68 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-not-changing-their-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4618e4d9-a4cf-4ef6-807d-d513ea367d44Post:2953d087-f885-4ac1-add8-b64844538c32">Re: Anyone not changing their name?</a>:
[QUOTE]Funny name story: My cousin had a son with her FI and the son has dad's last name. Dad died, and my cousin got married in 2009. She had a daughter with that husband, but they divorced shortly after the marriage. Daughter has her father's name. My cousin changed her name back to her maiden name, so her son, daughter, and herself all have different last names.
Posted by ErinG93[/QUOTE]

Hah! I got one for you, Erin. H's sister, who got married for the 3rd time the day before us, changed her name back to her 1st husband's last name, to match their son.She did not go back to her maiden name.

When they got back, she told him she was not changing because of her son, etc. So - husband #3 took her (and 1st husband's) last name.

When their aunt died last summer, we carpooled from funeral home to cemetery. Son, his dad, and his new stepdad all rode together. We still find humor in that.

rardito · May 2012

I did not change mine. I have way too much in my name already, and I never had any desire to change it.

angelstar975 · May 2012

Thanks for everyone's opinion's! I hadn't even thought of the fact that my last name isn't going to be carried on by anyone else, as my uncle never had children. I kind of like the idea of keeping my name legally at first, but using his socially, to get used to it. It might be easier for me to make the change official once I've had time to get used to it. I'll run this idea by FI and see what he thinks.

AceTT · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-not-changing-their-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4618e4d9-a4cf-4ef6-807d-d513ea367d44Post:30eabcce-e62a-4330-97e5-47a09eeab5ab">Re: Anyone not changing their name?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Anyone not changing their name? : You completely missed my point. I'm not saying that the last name you were given at birth isn't just as much your last name because you're a woman - my maiden name is MY name, I agree with you on that - I'm just saying that people are given last names based on their father's last name, or on their mother's, but usually the mother was given that last name because of her father, and so on. It doesn't mean it's not your name. I'm just saying that because of the way naming traditionally works in our society, every woman's last name is ALSO some man's last name, so even if someone wants to keep her maiden name because she doesn't want to take a man's name, she technically already has a "man's name".
Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]
I understood what you meant in your original post about it, and I completely agree. This is a big reason as to why I decided to change my name. By name, I was a "Jones" but I was just as much a "Jones" as I was a "Smith" (Mother's maiden), however she was just as much a "Smith" as she was a "White" (her mother's maiden), and down along the line. My husband is just as much a "Williams" as he is a "Johnson" (mother's maiden), and down along the line.

zigspective · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-not-changing-their-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4618e4d9-a4cf-4ef6-807d-d513ea367d44Post:bc50dbb1-d2d1-446a-916a-15b47c13897e">Re: Anyone not changing their name?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with people who think it signifies an exchange of property. I also agree with MuSu that it's not fair to get down on the men who would prefer their wives change their name. My H fell into this category and it was one of those things we never discussed and then when it came up and I half-joked about not changing it, he got a bit hurt. This doesn't make him a chauvinist pig who sees me as his property.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It doesn't turn him into a chauvinist pig, or anyone else for that matter, but we also can't pretend that these traditions aren't rooted in social policies that we would describe as sexist today.</div><div>
</div><div>The passing down of a patrilineal name to be bestowed on wife was absolutely used to denote ownership. Heck, the English word of husband derives from household manager or master of the household. You were considered part of the household, just like the kitchen stove and the 16 chickens. Which is also why "husbandry" is the art of managing animals. Not exactly romantic origins.</div><div>
</div><div>I do understand that a man might be a little upset, that you might think that they or their name might not be good enough to take on. That said, however, the reason they feel this way is that they've never been asked to consider the other hand. They have the privilege of never having to consider changing their name and assume that a future spouse will just take theirs, no questions asked.</div><div>
</div><div>And given the amount of women who are confused, unsure and some outright agonized by this decision, I think that's unfair.

</div>

musicalsunlight · May 2012

FTR I don't care if people choose to keep their names or not, I think its a very personal decision and as sarabellam pointed out, the woman's feelings should be taken into account by the guy too. I just don't think it outright makes a guy an asshole to feel whatever he feels about the woman taking his last name. Just because the tradition came from a patriarchial society tradition doesn't make his feelings less valid or purposely chauvinist. Our society now has grown and changed since the origins of the tradition, so a man's reasoning now doesn't automatically mean he wants to view himself as owning his wife or having control over her. If he outright refuses to marry you and says something to indicate that he actually IS sexist and chauvinist, well yeah then sure. But I think if a couple has a conversation about it and the guy expresses emotion that indicates he is offended by the woman wanting to keep her name, well, so what? It doesn't mean the situation can't work out.

Also, Leisel I totally agree with you and got your point there.

J&K10910 · May 2012

I kept my last name. It's been a bit more of a pain in the ass than I thought it would be. H's family wasn't supportive, and neither was my grandmother. H's dad actually asked me why I bothered to get married if I wasn't going to take H's last name or combine bank accounts. Like it was all my decision, or something. I actually had to send checks back to my grandma with a note that said "Thanks for thinking of me, but I can't cash this because this person isn't me." There was a point when I said "Ugh, I wish I had just changed my name."

But I don't really. I'm glad I kept it. I don't mind if people CALL me Mrs. H'sLastName or Jessica H'sLastName. We get mail addressed to K and J Last name all the time. I'm getting used to that. It bugged me at first. H's dad called me "Mrs HLastName" the whole night at our reception and I was ready to deck him in the face.

Athsea · May 2012

I'm keeping mine, because I never wanted to change it. FI was a bit confused about why I wanted to keep it, because he didn't know that women sometimes opted to keep their last names, but he accepted it as my decision. We're going to hyphenate our children's last names, so they will be MyLast- HisLast. That way, the family does share a name.

I never really bought into the argument that a woman needs to change so her name is shared by her husband/ children. He can change his. It takes a lot of effort, but it's doable. A person's decision is their own, and I in no way look down on anyone who decides to change. I just don't see the logic in that argument. Make a new name together. He can change his. Hyphenate the children's names. There are options besides changing or flat out not sharing a name with your husband and/ or children.

J&K10910 · May 2012

Oh, and we're not planning on having kids, so that doesn't matter...but if we did, they'd have his last name.

angelstar975 · May 2012

J, I have no intention of combining back accounts either. I mean, we'll probably open up a joint account for bills and stuff, but I'm going to keep my personal accounts as well. FI is fine with that. Will I always feel the need for a separate account? Who knows. But for now, I want it.

J&K10910 · May 2012

We have a joint account too. It gets used only for transferring money back and forth to each other. Oh well!

We dont' share blankets in bed either. We're both only children. We suck at sharing. I'm ok with that.

jessicabessica · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-not-changing-their-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4618e4d9-a4cf-4ef6-807d-d513ea367d44Post:8aa48be7-ab90-4987-ad40-ed60b4124ad3">Re: Anyone not changing their name?</a>:
[QUOTE]My plan is to change it legally but not professionally. I've been in the industry for 10 years and am fairly well know. To all of a sudden show up with an Asian last name would mess with people's heads. So, I just won't change my business cards or e-mail address for work. That way, I'll have the same last name as my future children and in all social areas. My FI think this is a great plan.
Posted by sleepyb[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you sure that will work? Don't you need to use your legal name at your job, for things like taxes, getting paid, etc.? </div><div>
</div><div>I didn't change my name. DH was a little disappointed, but he would ask me to do something he wasn't willing to do himself. </div>

lauraminn · May 2012

Not changing my name either. I have my mother's maiden as my middle name, and I love that connectedness. We may consider this route for our children. My fiance has no issue with me keeping my name...and really, why should he? He gets to keep his, I have no issue with that!

J&K10910 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_anyone-not-changing-their-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4618e4d9-a4cf-4ef6-807d-d513ea367d44Post:ef11eac9-4ef7-49fe-94c5-cc4d2c0f302d">Re: Anyone not changing their name?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Anyone not changing their name? : Are you sure that will work? Don't you need to use your legal name at your job, for things like taxes, getting paid, etc.? I didn't change my name. DH was a little disappointed, but he would ask me to do something he wasn't willing to do himself.
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

Well, I assume she would put her legal name on her legal papers and taxes and such, but just go by it. People at my old job did it all the time.

melb2013 · May 2012

Not changing my name. My mother didn't change hers either, so I guess I don't see it as a big deal. I don't mind socially being referred to by my FI's name, but professionally I need to keep my name.

NOLAbridealmost · May 2012

Every once in a while I've just gotta brag on my home state:

Here in LA either spouse (not just the ladies) are allowed to "use" either spouse's name in legal documents, legal practice, to own property, etc. There's no formal process to "change" your name and after a divorce you can either continue to use the other spouse's name or your own. There's no formal procedure to change it.

Obviously the US Federal government doesn't do things the same way so there's that.

But I use my husband's name socially and on our joint bank account (and on any community property we ever buy), but I practice law under my maiden name and go by my maiden name on federal things like income tax return, passport, etc.

It's very common for Louisiana women to use their husband's name socially and for most things but to continue to own and manage property they own separately under their maiden name. There's no chaos or anything because of it and apparently it's how many European countries work. I think all states should follow suit.

Miliska · May 2012

Here, in Québec, Canada, women are obligated my law to keep their maiden name when they get married. The officiant is even saying it during the ceremony. It comes from our feminist heritage of the 1960s thought and I'm proud of it.
So there it is : all the French Canadian brides you'll meet will keep their maiden name!

Bonzo2011 · May 2012

I am keeping my last name. My mom kept hers, so I've never really imagined anything different. There are other factors, like being one of the last in a family of girls to have this name, the fact that every single person in the US with our spelling of this name is part of our family...but really I think it goes back to my mom and what I saw as normal growing up. When FI and I first started talking about it, he was a bit hurt that I didn't want to change my name. So I tossed out the idea of hyphenating. The second I said it aloud, we decided against it! I have a very long Russian last name. He has a short German last name. Together, it sounds awkward. After that conversation, and after he chatted with my mom, he started warming up to the idea more. FI got completely on board last Christmas though, when he had to defend my decision to his parents. His mom had posted a picture on Facebook of a package addressed to "Bonzo HisLastName" and there were the usual overreactions that come with Facebook (my aunt seeing the pic before me, calling me all upset because she was losing me...). So FI calmly called his mom and said "so, who's Bonzo HisLastName? Only Bonzo I know is Bonzo Maiden." He explained my decision, made it known it was not up for discussion, a d his mom was good. The next day, his dad had a break down about it, but FMIL was able to make him see it wasn't a reflection on him. And then when I helped him with the cooking for dinner his stress level went down and he has been completely supportive since! When we do have kids down the road, we plan to give them my last name as a second middle name. People have warned me that the kids may drop it down the line. Ok. By the time the kids are old enough to make that decision, I don't have a say in their names anyway! Of course, after sharing my long story, I want to reiterate that no one can make this decision for you! Do what feels right to you, that makes both of you happy.

chiboo9 · May 2012

I guess I'm in the minority. I absolutely love my last name, and everyone actually likes saying my full first and last name. But I'm also very excited to change it to FI's when we're married, which also happens to have a quirky sound to it.

I don't see it as losing ties with my family or losing a part of me at all. This comes off extremely cheesy, but I actually see it as a new beginning.

Anyone not changing their name?

Re: Anyone not changing their name?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards