What did you expect from your bridal party?

lauraandpeterforever · October 2012

So far, I'm not 100% sure how to go about letting my girls know what their duties are and I could use some advice. Now, don't get me wrong please. I'm not like the girls I've seen on bridezillas that demand outrageous things from their bridal party but I think there are some things that should be expected from them.

I haven't asked anyone yet since we just got engaged and haven't set a date but know sometime next year is what we want to do. I'm thinking that I'll make up a list and ask everyone to come to brunch at my house and pop the question to everyone at the same time so we can have some fun girl time.

I was thinking of giving each of them a list with some things that I think they should be in charge of. Here are the things I've come up with so far. I'm open to suggestions! Thank you ahead of time.

Buy dress, shoes and accessories of brides choice (within discussed budget of maids)
Wear hair up or down, again brides choice
Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride
Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes)
Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table)
Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress)

After typing out my list it seems pretty stuffy. What do you guys think?

minskat30 · October 2012

Your bridesmaids are not your free labor (so the last three items on your list need to go) and you are supposed to be showing them how important they are to you by including them in your bridal party. All they have to do is buy a dress within discussed budgets and show up to the wedding.

If you want their hair done a certain way you'll have to pay for a hair dresser for them. If you want them to wear certain other accessories I think you need to pay for those too (but I defer to the other more regular posters on this board on that issue).

It would be nice if they planned a party for you but they don't have to plan one for you or attend...my bridesmaids are all over the country so not only are they not planning a party for me if one of them did plan anything the others likely couldn't attend (and I wouldn't expect them to).

crash2729 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:7d7613c8-b834-417c-850f-c746f3aa8a4a">What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]So far, I'm not 100% sure how to go about letting my girls know what their duties are and I could use some advice. Now, don't get me wrong please. I'm not like the girls I've seen on bridezillas that demand outrageous things from their bridal party but I think there are some things that should be expected from them. I haven't asked anyone yet since we just got engaged and haven't set a date but know sometime next year is what we want to do. <strong>I'm thinking that I'll make up a list and ask everyone to come to brunch at my house and pop the question to everyone at the same time so we can have some fun girl time. I was thinking of giving each of them a list with some things that I think they should be in charge of. </strong>Here are the things I've come up with so far. I'm open to suggestions! Thank you ahead of time. Buy dress, shoes and accessories of brides choice (within discussed budget of maids) Wear hair up or down, again brides choic<strong>e Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes) Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table) Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress) </strong>After typing out my list it seems pretty stuffy. What do you guys think?
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]<div>Ask them each individually. If one of them for whatever reason wants to say no, they'll probably feel pressured to say yes because everyone else is there. </div><div>
</div><div>Um...Your Bridal parties only duty is to buy their dress and show up in it. If you want special shoes and accessories I think you should be purchasing those. </div><div>They should not have to attend any pre-wedding parties if they have something that conflicts. </div><div>You can ASK them if they would like to help you set up or if they will help you with XYZ during planning but if they say no you need to be able to accept that.

</div>

WildRumpus · October 2012

Their duties included:
1.Buying a dress, shoes, and accessories of their choice
2. Showing up.

Yep, that was about it. They're your friends, not your employees. If they offer to help, great. I think it's even ok to ask for help. But you don't get to dictate what they do with their time.

Peledreamsofrain · October 2012

Where do people get the idea that bridesmaids are wedding slaves? It's weird and inappropriate to demand friends to perform 'duties' in your honor. If they volunteer, awesome, but if not, that's fine. It's YOUR wedding, YOU do the work for it, and graciously accept the inevitable volunteers that pop up.

yoshijo · October 2012

I think it is rude to tell people what is expected of them when their only responsibility is to show up at the wedding in the dress. I would be really put off if I was asked to be a BM and then given a list of expectations. There is a lot wrong with what you are asking. One thing being that if you require specific shoes, accessories, hair (either all up or all down which is one thing you listed), makeup you need to pay for it. They should not be told they will be helping with certain tasks like picking up a dress. You and your FI are getting married so you should do the planning and if necessary hire someone to help you.

lyndausvi · October 2012

My girls duties were to buy the dress based (of my chosing - per their request) on budget they gave me in private. Show up for the wedding. Now my sister was my MOH and her and another one gave me a shower. They also helped with addressing my invites. Mostly because they said my handwriting sucks. Which was correct. Being my sister and the type of relationship we have she also helped with a lot more. I should note most were because she volunteered. Others I just asked for help. Like some sisters do (I.e. Can you store my dress and candles until the wedding kind of stuff). I did not dictate hair, shoes or makeup as I feel those things are NOT one size fits all type of things.

MyNameIsNot · October 2012

You are asking too much, and you are going to come off really pushy and self centered if you ask for it. It's amazing that television has gotten so over the top and excessive that you could think that your list of assignments is reasonable!

Their only duties are to get their dresses and show up.

You should ask each girl privately and individually. Asking them in a group creates an environment where no one can say no or bring up a concern. Once you have invited them individually and they have accpted, then you ask each individually for a dress budget. Do not plan brunches or get togethers for them. There is no need to introduce them to each other, and planning all these events just turns the whole thing into a giant pain for everyone.

If you want to select their shoes and accessories, that fine (although a bit excessive) so long as you pay for them. If you want professional hair and make up, again you pay for it. (Choosing their hairstyle/make up is pushy whether you pay or not.)

You never mention pre-wedding parties. If they choose to throw any of them, that their decision. Even if they do, there is no requirement that they attend them.

If anyone offers to help you plan the wedding, it's fine to take them up on it, but it is out of line to ask them or assign them tasks related to it. This is your wedding, not theirs. Get your FI involved.

Asking them to do tasks at the actual wedding is really going too far. They are invited guests of honor. They should not be assigned to babysit the gift table any more than they should be asked to clean the kitchen or restock the bathroom. Those are tasks for staff.

BMs should be your friends, and you should want them to enjoy your wedding. It shouldn't be something they have to get through!

emilykathleen511 · October 2012

The only things I expected from my bridesmaids were to show up on the wedding day in the dress clean and sober, take pictures with me, and to walk up the aisle before the ceremony, stand quietly during, and walk back down the aisle at the end.

I would recommend waiting until about 6-8 months before the wedding date to ask your wedding party, because relationships can change, and there is just no reason to ask sooner than that. You don't want to end up being one of the brides to come on here asking how to kick out a bridemaid politely (answer: you can't. There is no polite way to do that). Also, as pp said, please ask each bridesmaid individually. Also make sure you ask each bridemaid's dress budget (in private). The lowest number is the number you have to stay under when selecting a bridesmaid dress.

As for pre-wedding parties, these are a gift from whoever decides they want to throw one for you. If no one offers, it sucks, but you don't get one. If you need help with different tasks before the wedding, it's fine to ask your bridesmaids politely if they're willing to help, but if no one wants to, that's when you enlist the help of your fiance or hire a wedding planner. Also, if they say no, that doesn't make them bad friends, it just means that they aren't into that stuff. Remember, no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.

Hope that helps.

ETA: For shoes and accessories, it's fine to give general guidelines, like "silver shoes and silver jewelry" or "black shoes and gold jewerly" but anything more is overstepping. As for hair, that is completely up to the bridesmaid. She can do her own hair or can choose to get it done professionally (either with you, or she can set up her own appt. at her own salon), and she completely gets to choose her own style. Anything more is, again, overstepping.

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:7d7613c8-b834-417c-850f-c746f3aa8a4a">What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]So far, I'm not 100% sure how to go about letting my girls know what their duties are and I could use some advice. Now, don't get me wrong please. I'm not like the girls I've seen on bridezillas that demand outrageous things from their bridal party but I think there are some things that should be expected from them. I haven't asked anyone yet since we just got engaged and haven't set a date but know sometime next year is what we want to do. I'm thinking that I'll make up a list and ask everyone to come to brunch at my house and pop the question to everyone at the same time so we can have some fun girl time. I was thinking of giving each of them a list with some things that I think they should be in charge of. Here are the things I've come up with so far. I'm open to suggestions! Thank you ahead of time. Buy dress, shoes and accessories of brides choice (within discussed budget of maids) Wear hair up or down, again brides choice Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes) Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table) Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress) After typing out my list it seems pretty stuffy. What do you guys think?
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

What did I expect from my bridal party? To show up with a dress they felt beautiful in, smile for my pictures, and have a crapton of fun with me on my wedding night.

As for your list:
<strong>Buy dress, shoes and accessories of brides choice (within discussed budget of maids)
</strong>You need to consult each girl in private and ask what she can afford to spend. Whatever the <em>lowest</em> budget is will be the price range you look for dresses in. If you want specific shoes (or a specific color other than black/nude/silver), you pay for them. If you want them to have specific accessories, you pay for them.

<strong>Wear hair up or down, again brides choice
</strong>If you want them to wear their hair a specific way, you pay for it. Same goes for makeup - if you require they get anything done professionally, YOU cover the cost.

<strong>Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride
</strong>Showers, bach parties, etc. are all thrown in the bride's honor as gifts. Bridesmaids are under ZERO obligation to host and/or attend them. If they want to, can afford to, and have the available time - great! If not? That stinks, and it's okay to be disappointed but it's NOT okay to hold it against them or be mad at them for it, and they are not "bad" bridesmaids for not hosting/attending such parties.

<strong>Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes)
</strong>This is what paid day-of coordinators, wedding planners, and venues are for, NOT your bridesmaids. If they <em>volunteer</em> to help you set up, it's okay to take them up on it. It is NOT okay to demand that they do so.

<strong>Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table)
</strong>"Gift table attendant", "Guest Book Attendant", "Program Passer-Outter", etc. are all made up BS jobs... they are not an honor to the people you ask to do them. Day-of "tasks" for BMs include: getting dressed in the appropriate attire, walking down the aisle, and smiling for pictures. That's it.

<strong>Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress)</strong>
If you need help planning, turn to your fiance or hire a wedding planner. There is zero reason for bridesmaids to help plan and they certainly are not there to run errands for you (such as picking up your dress). I managed to work a PT job, be a FT student with an additional 150 clinical hours to complete, and work several weekend odds-and-ends jobs while planning my wedding with no help other than from H (who worked FT) and my mom (who volunteered her time around her three jobs).

I'd also like to add that, unless all of your BMs are friends outside of the context of your wedding, there is no reason to expect them to hang out for lunches or other get-togethers outside of pre-wedding parties (that they want to attend) and the wedding itself. There is also no reason to expect them to all go shopping together for dresses; I had BMs in 3 states (3 of the 5 were FT students, including one in vet school, one was a new mom, and one works FT and takes care of her landlords six horses on the side)... they all managed to get appropriate dresses for the occasion without all being in the same store at the same time, two of them without me ever going shopping with them. In fact, I didn't even know what one girl's dress looked like until the day of the wedding.

Seriously, throw out any list of "duties" you see in bridal magazines or on websites like TK: they are part of the wedding industry and are only there to make brides feel entitled so that they'll request (require) their friends and family to spend more money. You don't have to be as extreme as the brides on Bridezillas to be considered one...

lauraandpeterforever · October 2012

I never said that they were my slaves. I also never said that they were required to throw a party for me only that if one is planned that they attend. Of course, if my bridesmaids were from all over the country I wouldn't expect them but they're not. They're all local within a few miles of me. I haven't even touched the amount of ASSumptions going on here.

emilykathleen511 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:cd3d43da-0c2e-44fb-bd29-68b58322cb54">Re: What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said that they were my slaves. I also never said that they were required to throw a party for me only that if one is planned that they attend. Of course, if my bridesmaids were from all over the country I wouldn't expect them but they're not. They're all local within a few miles of me. I haven't even touched the amount of ASSumptions going on here.
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

<div>We can only respond to what you put out there. Your post read that you <em>expected</em> your bridesmaids to do wedding tasks for you. Only slaveowners get to dictate what jobs people do for them. The only way you get to expect or dictate jobs is if you hire a paid wedding planner.</div><div>
</div><div>As for the shower/b-party, an invitation is not a subpoena. It would be nice if they could show up, but just because someone can't doesn't make them a bad friend. Their lives don't stop just because you're getting married.</div>

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:cd3d43da-0c2e-44fb-bd29-68b58322cb54">Re: What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said that they were my slaves. I also never said that they were required to throw a party for me only that if one is planned that they attend. Of course, if my bridesmaids were from all over the country I wouldn't expect them but they're not. They're all local within a few miles of me. I haven't even touched the amount of ASSumptions going on here.
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

Local or not, bridesmaids aren't required to attend any festivities thrown in your honor, except the wedding itself, of course.

Also, please elaborate on the "ASSumptions" you see - many of us directly quoted you and responded accordingly.

WildRumpus · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:cd3d43da-0c2e-44fb-bd29-68b58322cb54">Re: What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said that they were my slaves. I also never said that they were required to throw a party for me only that if one is planned that they attend. Of course, if my bridesmaids were from all over the country I wouldn't expect them but they're not. They're all local within a few miles of me. <strong>I haven't even touched the amount of ASSumptions going on here.</strong>
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

Like your ASSumption that your bridesmaids would willfully work for you? You know what they say about assumptions...

bridalmarch · October 2012

Please do NOT assign your bridesmaids the task of watching the guest table, making sure people sign the guestbook, personal attendant, or any other asinine task. See if your venue offers a day of coordinator. Ours is free. If you were bridesmaid and the bride asked you to man the gift table, would you be a little put off?

As for hair and makeup, I promise you 1000% that not one guest will be able to remember what the bridesmaid's hair looked like. Up, down, or the same, it really really doesn't matter. If you're hiring day of hair and makeup, offer those services to the party. If they'd like to participate, great. If not, no problem. Do not dictate a hairstyle or makeup. Your bridesmaids are individuals and deserve to be treated as such.

BrittneyRN · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:cd3d43da-0c2e-44fb-bd29-68b58322cb54">Re: What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said that they were my slaves. I also never said that they were required to throw a party for me only that if one is planned that they attend. Of course, if my bridesmaids were from all over the country I wouldn't expect them but they're not. They're all local within a few miles of me. I haven't even touched the amount of ASSumptions going on here.
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

I had a bridesmaid that lives about 10 minutes from me that didn't attends my bridal shower. She actually never even gave a reason, and I didn't care. They don't have to attend if they can't, and you shouldn't get mad at the,. Also, assigning them tasks during the wedding, or even before is not cool. Do you really think your girls want to watch your gift table, when they'd probably rather be dancing or mingling? If you need help with tasks before your, ask your FI.

hoffse · October 2012

Yeah... I asked my girls to buy the dress within budget and show up to the ceremony. I have a couplegirls who are attorneys and told them they could even skip the reception if they needed to get back to work. One of them wasn't sure she would be able to do even that much, so she bailed and said she would attend as a guest if her schedule permitted when the time came. It was a bummer, but her job > my wedding in terms of what she needs to do with her life.

My MOH has asked and asked to help with something, so she's going to help me gather a few items at the end of the night and make sure they get stowed in our getaway car (like the toasting flutes, cake knife, day-of bag, etc.). But that's it, and that's only because she was literally begging me to give her some extra job and I trust her to make sure we have everything before we leave for the night. I had originally planned on doing it.

You need to adjust your expectations ASAP or else we'll be hearing about you from a group of disgruntled bridesmaids in a few months.

Simply Fated · October 2012

Just a few helpful notes...

Wear hair up or down, again brides choice
I only ever wear my hair down in public and no one, not even a bride, will require me to do this. Wait, not true, I had to wear my hair up when I waitressed. But they paid me. Anyway, try to be flexible about this. Some people take their hair personally.

Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride
What if they can't make it? Are you going to be okay with that?
Out of curiosity, what other pre-wedding parties are there?

Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes)
Why can't you hire someone to work? I mean, how is it an honor to be required to participate in the set-up. If any of the girls want to help, they'll offer. Leave this off the list because I guarantee, if you require them to help set up, they won't want to.

Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table)
Watching the gift table is a sucky job. Instead of having fun and dancing or what ever, I'll be worried someone is going to steal a gift while on my watch.
Let your girls have fun. Requiring them to have tasks, jobs, duties, what ever you want to call it, sucks. I'd rather be a guest and not have to work at the wedding.

Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress)
Whoa. Why are they picking up your dress?

vanityink · October 2012

Yeeeaaahhhh, if my friend asked me to be a BM and handed me a list like that (which honestly reads like "be my b*tch at wedding time" whether you mean it or not) I would decline being a BM...

You may not mean to look rude, but obviously that list of yours is rubbing people (including me) the wrong way. You'd think that would be a hint that it's rude/not a good idea. I have had many offers to help from my BMs, and I am very grateful, but I would never demand their help, let alone give them a list that reads "You will do all I demand as the effing bride, including buy things like shoes you'll never wear again and change your entire appearance should I demand it, and work as unpaid labor at my wedding rather than have a good time as my nearest and dearest" Again, not saying that's what you meant to do, but that's how it comes off...

RebeccaB88 · October 2012

I expect them to get the dress and show up on time. Period. Anything else is gravy.

courtski2004 · October 2012

I recommend reading this (LINK) before sending out rules for your bridesmaids. It was the first thing that came to mind when you broke out the task list.

If you start out with such high expectations, you risk high disappointment. As someone mentioned further up in the thread, there will be few people who will be as amped about planning your wedding as you are, and will get burnt out on wedding talk quickly. It is frustrating, but is just one of those things that inevitably happens.

Summer2011Bride · October 2012

If someone asked me to be a BM and I said yes, then they gave me this bogus list of "expectations" or "duties," I'd reverse my answer. No way would I want to have someone dictate my hair, that I throw them a party, that I help them plan THEIR wedding and set up for THEIR wedding. Nope. Now if you politely asked me, "Hey, if you're not busy the day before the wedding, and wouldn't mind, we'd love some extra help setting up. If not, no problem," then yes, I'd usually be more than happy to help. But if you gave me this list of your expectations of me, I'd run the other way so fast.

Peledreamsofrain · October 2012

It is an ASSumption that you BMs will throw you parties, and hand them a list ahead of time about said parties that are supposed to be gifts

It is an ASSumption that they will get their hair and makeup professionally done at thier own expense for your 'special day',

It is an ASSumption that they will be comfortable with being asked in a group environment.

It is an ASSumption that you have ANY right AT ALL to dictate, boss, and otherwise lord over their personal schedules for months prior to the wedding.

It is an ASSumption that these girls will want to even be your friends after dealing with your high-maintenance lists, demands, and ASSumptions after the wedding. I really wouldn't. Thank got my friends are kinder, more thoughtful, and gracious than that.

GardenMaven · October 2012

So far I have asked them privately if they would stand up for me and (again privately) what their dress budget was. I also asked if they had any ideas for dress styles or if there was anything they definitely would not wear. After I have narrowed down dress choices, I plan on asking them their thoughts again. I haven't even gotten to shoes yet, but I am not att all picky about that either. Beyond that I could care less what they do with their hair or make-up and I do not expect them to throw me any parties.

I also agree that if someone asked me to be a BM and then gave me a list, I would rip the list up and retract my answer. That is beyond rude.

courtski- Thanks for sharing that link!

AdeleDazeem · October 2012

Ha. This post is great.

OP - I'd be super offended if I received that list from you. You seem unaccomodating and the definition of the bridezilla that you cling so hard to believing that you're not.

They must buy the dress of your choosing that is within their budget.

Shoes, accesories, hair, and make up? You pay if you want to dictate that stuff.

Helping set up, break down, in charge of a task? Good grief - I'm your friend. If you need people to do that stuff, HIRE them.

Oh, and I'm not making any ASSumptions. You are. You are assuming that these people are going to be so overjoyed at being involed in your wedding that they will glady drop their lives to come running to your parties and diligently save money to get the proper shoes and hair style. It's too much. You put it out there that this is what you want - I'm ASSuming nothing, except that your friends won't take kindly to your "list," which is a fair one.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

Buy dress, shoes and accessories of brides choice (within discussed budget of maids): Dress, yes. Shoes and accessories - if you're requiring specific shoes or accessories, you should pay. Otherwise, the most you should really say is "hey, do you think you all could wear white shoes?" That allows those who like/don't like heels to feel comfortable and those who want to shop at payless/expensive designers to do that.

Wear hair up or down, again brides choice: Again, if you're requiring them to get it professionally done, you should pay. As for style, I mean...if these are your friends I dont' think it hurts to ASK if they'd all be willing to have hair up or down, but I don't think you can really mandate it. I know I would be loath to wear hair down at a wedding because of frizzing and being annoying all night.
Attend any showers, bachelorette or pre wedding parties planned for bride: If they can. It's again, not mandatory. One of my BMs is a medical resident in Boston. With her schedule, I know she can't make any of my prewedding stuff. That's totally fine. Not a requirement.
Help set up the day of or before (depending on how planning goes): Nope, hire someone or only have day of/before tasks that you and FI can handle. If they offer, accept graciously, but do not ask, hint or pressure.
Take on one task the day of the wedding (ie. watching gift table): First, they're going to be busy enough taking pictures with you and all. Second, wouldn't you rather they actually enjoy the party than stand at a gift table? This is supposed to be something to honor your best friends. Third, do gift tables really need guards??
Help bride plan the wedding by accomplishing small tasks (ie. pick up dress): yes, they have to pick up a task, but they have no planning requirements otherwise. That's up to you and FI.

So far, I've asked my girls to buy a dress and requested that they go for white/ivory/silver shoes if possible. I've also asked them if they'd like to join me for hair/make up at the salon - not requiring it, but supplying them with a list of prices and asking if they would like in (I needed a head count to book). I've given them the dates that most of the prewedding stuff will happen (but even there, one of my BMs might not be able to make the rehearsal...however, I'm fairly confidant she can figure out how to walk down an aisle day of). That's it. That's pretty much all I am asking them to do too.

lindsaynewbride10 · October 2012

I'm not going to go into great detail about why giving your BM's resposibilities is never appropriate because previous posters have already covered that- and I agree with them. It looks like you're pretty new around here seeing you've only posted twice, so my advice is to take THEIR advice, and to not take it personal.

You asked a question, and they've answered you. Don't be one of those new girls that goes running screaming about how "mean" TK girls are. You've been given constructive criticism, take it.

Vireyda · October 2012

My expectations for my bridesmaids? Show up and stand next to me during the ceremony and have fun the rest of the day.

I don't even care much about what they wear. I suggested a black cocktail dress if they have one in thier closet already, but if they want to wear something different, it doesn't really matter to me. It's more important that they stand with me than all look a certain way. But I might be more laid back about this than most.

lauraandpeterforever · October 2012

I have every right to pick shoes and accessories if it's in their budget. When I ask them what their budget is going to be I'm going to stick with it for the dress AND shoes AND accessories. That's perfectly reasonable. I'm very thrifty and have a knack for putting outfits together at very affordable numbers. In fact my friends ask me to be their faux personal shopper all the time. AAAAAND I have every right to tell them to wear their hair up or down. No, I'm not going to make them get it professionally done like someone ASSumed already. However, I have a family member that's a hair dresser and previously a makeup artist that has already offered to do hair and makeup for free for any of the bridesmaids that want it so there's that.

Fine, I won't make the stupid list but you guys are flat out wrong with some of your comments. What's so wrong about having a girls brunch? The friends I'm going to ask are already all friends so it's not like I'm having a meet and greet like someone ASSumed as well. My friends are all really excited about my wedding already and offering to pitch in so I'm really not worried about people feeling offended about me asking them to help. I've always helped at other friends and family weddings. It's the norm in my group and usually expected.

zitiqueen · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:00cde8a8-c476-4547-9a9c-f083fe1388b0">Re: What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have every right to pick shoes and accessories if it's in their budget. When I ask them what their budget is going to be I'm going to stick with it for the dress AND shoes AND accessories. That's perfectly reasonable. I'm very thrifty and have a knack for putting outfits together at very affordable numbers. In fact my friends ask me to be their faux personal shopper all the time. AAAAAND I have every right to tell them to wear their hair up or down. No, I'm not going to make them get it professionally done like someone ASSumed already. However, I have a family member that's a hair dresser and previously a makeup artist that has already offered to do hair and makeup for free for any of the bridesmaids that want it so there's that. Fine, I won't make the stupid list but you guys are flat out wrong with some of your comments. What's so wrong about having a girls brunch? The friends I'm going to ask are already all friends so it's not like I'm having a meet and greet like someone ASSumed as well. My friends are all really excited about my wedding already and offering to pitch in so I'm really not worried about people feeling offended about me asking them to help. I've always helped at other friends and family weddings. It's the norm in my group and usually expected.
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

There's a big difference between your friends <u>offering</u> to pitch in and you sending them a list of things they'll be <u>expected</u> to do, like set up and tear down your entire reception, not to mention assigning them actual lame wedding day tasks, pumpkin.

You sound delightful. You asked our advice, we gave it, and you're all "Nuh-uh, I'll do what I wanna do!"

s-aries8990 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-did-you-expect-from-your-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2b9317a-680c-4e98-af46-0bc0b5e890ddPost:00cde8a8-c476-4547-9a9c-f083fe1388b0">Re: What did you expect from your bridal party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have every right to pick shoes and accessories if it's in their budget. When I ask them what their budget is going to be I'm going to stick with it for the dress AND shoes AND accessories. That's perfectly reasonable. I'm very thrifty and have a knack for putting outfits together at very affordable numbers. In fact my friends ask me to be their faux personal shopper all the time. AAAAAND I have every right to tell them to wear their hair up or down. No, I'm not going to make them get it professionally done like someone ASSumed already. However, I have a family member that's a hair dresser and previously a makeup artist that has already offered to do hair and makeup for free for any of the bridesmaids that want it so there's that. Fine, I won't make the stupid list but you guys are flat out wrong with some of your comments. What's so wrong about having a girls brunch? The friends I'm going to ask are already all friends so it's not like I'm having a meet and greet like someone ASSumed as well. My friends are all really excited about my wedding already and offering to pitch in so I'm really not worried about people feeling offended about me asking them to help. I've always helped at other friends and family weddings. It's the norm in my group and usually expected.
Posted by lauraandpeterforever[/QUOTE]

1) Nope you do not have "every right" to dictate their entire outfit. If you love stilettos and I had weak ankles, I'd say buh-bye asap. What if I was allergic to everything but sterling silver? I think BMs with different jewelry and different shoes looks 1000x better than BM's who look completely uncomfortable and are all red from breaking out because of a metal allergy.
2) No you do not have "every right" to dictate their hair. You're being a control freak. To ask is one thing, but to mandate is another.
3) stop capitalizing the first three letters of assumed. It's stupid.
4) To have a brunch/meet and greet is fine, but you can't demand their presence to that either. They committed to attending your wedding, not a different party every 3 weeks. People have other things going on in their lives besides your wedding.
5) You can ASK for help, but do it privately. If they decline, don't hold it against them. Don't take your girls for granted, please. AND, appreciate any help they do give. If they do help, give them a little extra thank-you thing, be it a card, baked goods, have her over for dinner after the wedding, a mani-pedi certificate to show how much you value her.

What did you expect from your bridal party?

Re: What did you expect from your bridal party?

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