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How to handle a pushy, controlling Mother of the Groom

lrkinyonlrkinyon
in Moms and Maids
My fi and I got engaged on Thursday last week and I'm already butting heads with my future MIL. Our first conversation after our engagment announcement was her telling us who was doing what in our wedding. She got conpletely offended when my Fi didn't pick his brother-in-law as his best man and that we hadn't asked my future sister-in-law to be apart of the wedding yet, mostly because we wanted to ask her personally what she felt comfortable doing since her husband is a groomsman, her daughter a flower girl and son the ring bearer, plus traveling halfway across the country to be there. My future MIL won't settle for anything less than her choices! Personally, I feel that since she isn't paying for anything in this wedding we can listen to her suggestions but it's our choice since we're the ones paying for it. Any suggestions for dealing with a passive aggressive MOTG?
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Re: How to handle a pushy, controlling Mother of the Groom

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    em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-pushy-controlling-mother-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a98a556a-9358-4328-af98-68f225ca1ac9Post:c7b8da86-3c5c-40d3-9eee-c612183d00fc">How to handle a pushy, controlling Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fi and I got engaged on Thursday last week and I'm already butting heads with my future MIL. Our first conversation after our engagment announcement was her telling us who was doing what in our wedding. She got conpletely offended when my Fi didn't pick his brother-in-law as his best man and that we hadn't asked my future sister-in-law to be apart of the wedding yet, mostly because we wanted to ask her personally what she felt comfortable doing since her husband is a groomsman, her daughter a flower girl and son the ring bearer, plus traveling halfway across the country to be there. My future MIL won't settle for anything less than her choices! Personally, I feel that since she isn't paying for anything in this wedding we can listen to her suggestions but it's our choice since we're the ones paying for it. Any suggestions for dealing with a passive aggressive MOTG?
    Posted by lrkinyon[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry you're already dealing with this. It's best to nip it in the bud. </div><div>
    </div><div>With regards to your WP, say, "Oh FMIL! We just got engaged! We'll worry about picking our WP until 6-8 months from the wedding."</div><div>
    </div><div>Any other suggestions, just say, "FMIL thanks for the suggestion." Then change the subject. 

    </div>
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    abbyraedabbyraed
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    edited December 2011
    I'm dealing with some crazy FMIL issues myself so I feel for you.  I'm trying to handle it some myself but for the most part having my FI speak with his Mom.  It's working okay so far when I can get him to actually make the phone call.  I have a feeling that this is a constant struggle for some of us.  I've figured that it's my FI responsiblity to handle his Mom for now, that is as long as he can do it in a nice way.
    Good Luck!
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    JessicaCrystalGailAmersonJessicaCrystalGailAmerson
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand your fmil wanting to be in on the planning, and wanting you to include your in laws (what mom does'nt at one point or another?) But telling you its her way or no way is completely rude, especially when she is not paying for the wedding in the first place. I would suggest taking her chioces into consideration for the most part, but make decisions that you and your fi are comfortable with. If she is this picky and offended over these things its only gonna get harder when it comes down to the little things. My best advice for you is only speak to her about wedding stuff that you want input on, and everything else keep to yourself. and if she asks say your working on it or not sure havent thought too much about it. sometimes its better to avoid certain subjects when it comes to sticky situations. 
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    HandBananaHandBanana member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would avoid talking anything wedding with her and have your FH deal with his mom.

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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    FI needs to firmly deal with her and let her know that you both will be making the decisions and she needs to lighten up.  If she is this bad already, just ignoring her and not talking about the wedding around her won't work.

    He should get on this one asap.
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    karlcherylkarlcheryl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Advice I just received... the way the wedding planning is handled sets the tone for the rest of your future interactions (kids etc)... try and engage your FI to delicately yet firmly explain her role and have them refocus on choosing their song to dance to instead of the other details. 
    If it's this bad now, just wait until you start on the guest list...
    GL!
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-pushy-controlling-mother-of-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a98a556a-9358-4328-af98-68f225ca1ac9Post:fb2ebc94-79e4-4cee-a0e1-b7c6950194f8">Re: How to handle a pushy, controlling Mother of the Groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Advice I just received... the way the wedding planning is handled sets the tone for the rest of your future interactions (kids etc)... <strong>try and engage your FI to delicately yet firmly explain her role </strong>and have them refocus on choosing their song to dance to instead of the other details.  If it's this bad now, just wait until you start on the guest list... GL!
    Posted by karlcheryl[/QUOTE]

    Try? No. There is no "try". This is FI's family, therefore his responsibility.
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    PGrantPGrant member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I, too, am experiencing FMIL issues and have basically reached the point where I ignore her.  She has managed to offend me (by telling me what I want), my mother (by trying to butt in on every decision), and my matron of honor (by wanting to give her a list of people to invite to the shower) - I managed to diffuse that one before it actually happened by refusing to give her my MOH's contact information.  Before anyone asks, she is not paying for anything other than her own dress, my mother offered to pay for the wedding as soon as we got engaged. 

    Then I get the "when my daughters got married thus and so" and "in my family we do it this way".  My regular comeback has become "thank you for sharing that.  I don't think I'll be doing it that way.  By the way, have you found a dress?"  She can make everything else an issue, but we are getting married in about 2 1/2 months and she hasn't even looked at dresses yet because she wants to lose 25 pounds first.
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    AngelSong76AngelSong76 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I'm having issues with FMIL too.  For the first year and a half of our relationship, I didn't have a name.  I was "her" or "she" or "company."  When we got engaged in February, she finally started addressing me directly and using my name.  For the past 7 months while we have been planning and getting things ready, she has had lots of little snide remarks like, "I thought the wedding was small, why did she get a real wedding dress?"  Since we are paying for the entire thing ourselves and I got my real wedding dress for $99 at David's Bridal's online outlet, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want a real wedding dress.  lol

    So now that we are two months away, she has decided to start giving her input on the wedding itself.  She doesn't like the day of the week, she doesn't like the theme, she doesn't like the people we chose as the wedding party, she's really pissed that my mother is going to sing during the sand ceremony, and she thinks we are spending "entirely too much money" on our light refreshments for the ceremony.  And now she's mentioning all the people in their family who will most certainly cause a scene, so we should avoid many of the regular activities to avoid the scene (like taking group photographs with family members, etc.)  

    I want to strangle her.  My FI is very laid back about it all and just ignores her, so that's what I'm trying to do.  But it's hard when she says that this cousin or that cousin is going to try to get into all the photos.  Argh!
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