Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?

musicalsunlight · July 2012

I read in our paper this weekend about a new trend at gay bars around here (and nationally as well). TONS of bachelorette parties go to the gay bars downtown around here every weekend. Apparently some gay bars are now asking bparties to stay away because they do not want to support a party that is in furtherance of something they cannot do themselves (gay marriage). Of course they aren't outright denying them entrance, but it is a new issue or complaint that gay bar employees or managers have. Some people in the article agreed and others thought this was extreme.

WDYT? Are bparties a slap in the face or are they being too sensitive?

ChristineNB · July 2012

This isn't a "new trend" it has been going on for years. While gay bars try to be accomodating, some of them get tired of having a club designed to be a safe place where guys can pick of other guys turning into a place with mainly women getting drunk and drinking out of penis straws.

I can say I have gone to gay clubs with male friends, never with bachelorette parties, and you always see the one or two groups of bach parties there. I know there are some gay clubs in Chicago that ban women completely now because the bachelorette parties got to be too much.

aragx6 · July 2012

I feel guilty as hell at how many of my nearest and dearest don't have the right to marry like FI and I do, so I actually do see where they're coming from. That said, those same family and friends have been some of the most supportive (and ready to party) so I'm not convinced the majority of the LGBT community feels this way.

I don't think someone who can legally get married is in a spot to say they're being too sensitive though. Gay rights are a sensitive subject.

JessAndTrav · July 2012

I can understand them not wanting B-parties there.

I mean, the point of going to a gay club/bar for gay men is to meet and hangout with other gay men, not 10 wild women celebrating a bff's upcoming nuptials. I can see how the constant appearance of b-parties on the weekends would be annoying.

I think it would depend on the vibe of the bar itself. Some gay bars may not mind having the parties there, it does give them alcohol sales and maybe even a cover charge, but I think it's perfectly reasonable for a bar to ask for the b-parties to find a different venue.

JessAndTrav · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:5b56b3dc-d616-4f22-bda5-7802338b0b9a">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE] I don't think someone who can legally get married is in a spot to say they're being too sensitive though. Gay rights are a sensitive subject.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

And I agree with this statement 100%.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

Christine, you misunderstood what I wrote, sorry. I meant the trend of wanting to deny the bparties, not the bparties themselves as a trend.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

I didn't go to the gay bars for my bparty but I can see where they are coming from. That said, it is hard to tell who in the community is actually upset by it and who doesn't care, KWIM? One of the drag queens at our biggest gay bar always jokes about it during her act, when she sees bparties in the audience. So it is an interesting topic.

ChristineNB · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:e3b8b393-4fb3-4edb-b803-c7a097d250c5">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]Christine, you misunderstood what I wrote, sorry. I meant the trend of wanting to deny the bparties, not the bparties themselves as a trend.
Posted by musicalsunlight[/QUOTE]
I did misunderstood, but there have still been clubs denying women/bparties entry for years. Gay clubs have long since gotten frustrated with this "problem" and some have put their foot down years ago.

baystateapple · July 2012

I went to a gay bar frequently a few years ago, not for bachelorette parties, but because they had the best karaoke in CT on Wednesday nights. But I can definitely see how it would be a sensitive subject.

There are a lot of places that refuse to host b-parties. Shrine at Foxwoods Casino doesn't allow bachelor parties at all, and refuses to allow bachelorettes in if they are wearing "bachelorette party apparel" which I guess translates to sashes, tiaras, and penis paraphernalia. I wouldn't bat an eye if I went to a place and it say "no b-parties allowed" at this point.

baystateapple · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:5b56b3dc-d616-4f22-bda5-7802338b0b9a">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE] don't think someone who can legally get married is in a spot to say they're being too sensitive though. Gay rights are a sensitive subject.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
And ditto this 100%.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:a8eb4302-eb2b-47ef-9f3b-cbcd69aeea88">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties? : I did misunderstood, but there have still been clubs denying women/bparties entry for years. Gay clubs have long since gotten frustrated with this "problem" and some have put their foot down years ago.
Posted by ChristineNB[/QUOTE]

Well I think it is more prominent where I am right now because there is a constitutional amendment on the ballot this Nov to ban gay marriage. Before that it really wasn't an issue that was brought to light, at least in this area.

Cfas -- that is an interesting 'cycle' theory. I don't think that is how it is around here, just from my own experience at the clubs. Several of them have been around for decades and are still packed every weekend.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

I also agree that they aren't being too sensitive, I just used the term because that is how some people in the article came across as accusing the gay bars of being.

ZombieNates · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:5b56b3dc-d616-4f22-bda5-7802338b0b9a">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel guilty as hell at how many of my nearest and dearest don't have the right to marry like FI and I do, so I actually do see where they're coming from. That said, those same family and friends have been some of the most supportive (and ready to party) so I'm not convinced the majority of the LGBT community feels this way.<strong> I don't think someone who can legally get married is in a spot to say they're being too sensitive though. Gay rights are a sensitive subject.</strong>
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
ITA with this.

Also, I can see how it's invasive to have your safe place constantly invaded by a group of women who are just going there as a "novelty."

Now, of course, there are tons of women who do frequent gay bars with their friends (myself included), but I think by and large, the bach parties start to get obnoxious for the regular crowd, marriage ban or not.

ETA: I should clarify--women who frequent the bars with their gay friends, not women who go to escape grubby men in straight bars.

Beachy730 · July 2012

I have no interest in going to gay bars or clubs simply because I have no reason to be there. I feel like it would be annoying to the regular patrons of the bar to have all these women coming in all the time regardless of the occasion. Like Cfas said it eventually takes away from the atmosphere they are going for anyways.

As for the marriage aspect, I can't say how they should feel about because like arag said I am not in that position.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

That is a good point, Nates. I frequented gay bars for a long time (just been too busy now to really have a life hah) and it does seem like the "novelty" of a gay bar is what attracts a lot of bparties.

aragx6 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:4f31bba5-e455-4ada-9f0c-986a608da9c9">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no interest in going to gay bars or clubs simply because I have no reason to be there. <strong> I feel like it would be annoying to the regular patrons of the bar to have all these women coming in all the time regardless of the occasion. </strong> Like Cfas said it eventually takes away from the atmosphere they are going for anyways. As for the marriage aspect, I can't say how they should feel about because like arag said I am not in that position.
Posted by Beachy730[/QUOTE]

For the most part I've found that to be totally untrue -- they're very welcoming and open. But I <em>can</em> see where bachelorette parties feel like a slap in the face. I don't know, it'd be like having a baby shower at an IVF clinic or something.

Habs2Hart · July 2012

I think a lot of b-parties are abnoxious anyhow. It's like they are getting married so they get to be absolutely ridiculous.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:4f31bba5-e455-4ada-9f0c-986a608da9c9">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no interest in going to gay bars or clubs simply because I have no reason to be there. I feel like it would be annoying to the regular patrons of the bar to have all these women coming in all the time regardless of the occasion. Like Cfas said it eventually takes away from the atmosphere they are going for anyways. As for the marriage aspect, I can't say how they should feel about because like arag said I am not in that position.
Posted by Beachy730[/QUOTE]

So even if your gay friend(s) invited you to go, you wouldn't go just because you weren't the intended patron? I can't speak for anyone else, but I know most of my gay friends loved having their straight girlfriends along with them.

baystateapple · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:c8110edc-9587-4a1b-8695-e400421ec249">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think a lot of b-parties are abnoxious anyhow. It's like they are getting married so they get to be absolutely ridiculous.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]
Yup.

entropicbeauty · July 2012

I think banning women from a gay bar is kind of offensive...because what about the lesbians who want to go to a bar and also feel safe. Would they have to show some sort of gay membership card to gain entry? It's just silly.

The gay bars around here attract plenty of straight women, BUT there are also a lot of lesbians who go to the bars as well, along with the gay men. A bar can do what it wants, but I would think being a popular spot for bachelorette parties would actually be a good thing for a bar.

musicalsunlight · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:50f28edf-bcf5-49db-8ccd-4d6b44ac60b0">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties? <strong>: For the most part I've found that to be totally untrue -- they're very welcoming and open</strong>. But I can see where bachelorette parties feel like a slap in the face. I don't know, it'd be like having a baby shower at an IVF clinic or something.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Yeah I have never experienced anything but welcoming attitudes from anyone at a gay bar.

ZombieNates · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:c5d25d5e-c9c4-4239-80f0-73f1ab8f242a">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why would other clubs not want bachelorette parties there? I get that they 'b-party attire' is ugly, but is there a financial or some other reason why the average clubs doesn't like bachelorette parties?
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]
I've heard it's because b-parties tend to be obnoxious for other patrons and also financially, guys would rather go to a bar with lots of single women than see a b-party (even though the bparty might have a bunch of single girls). That's just what my friend who works in some popular bars told me, so I have no idea if that's true or not.

baystateapple · July 2012

Cfas, I think it's because bachelor parties have a bad reputation for guys drinking themselves crazy and getting rowdy. Bachelorette party attire is usually pretty tacky. I know that Shrine at least tries to keep itself somewhat "elite" (personally, I went to a b-party there in April and I think they're pretty ridiculous as far as pricing, the cushions on the seats are sticky and not laundered well, and the club itself is NBD -- JMO, of course).

musicalsunlight · July 2012

I stumbled into one of the fanciest hotels in town from my party bus on my 21st birthday. I have no idea why the lobby bartender let us stay there for as long as we did. I can't imagine I was great for their image. heh.

ZombieNates · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:642d4f38-eb85-4d50-bfd4-3786d64607f3">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]I stumbled into one of the fanciest hotels in town from my party bus on my 21st birthday. I have no idea why the lobby bartender let us stay there for as long as we did. <strong>I can't imagine I was great for their image.</strong> heh.
Posted by musicalsunlight[/QUOTE]
Haha!

I made friends with a random Canadian woman outside our hotel. If I were her, I'd probably be annoyed by me, but she was really sweet. She might have been drunk, too, though.

Beachy730 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:692e7841-bbc2-4b58-a718-9f7bcab422ea">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties? : So even if your gay friend(s) invited you to go, you wouldn't go just because you weren't the intended patron? I can't speak for anyone else, but I know most of my gay friends loved having their straight girlfriends along with them.
Posted by musicalsunlight[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I personally right now have no reason to go to a gay bar. I don't have any close gay friends anyways, but definitely not any that live near me (since I barely know anyone here). So right now I have aboslutely no reason to go to one unless it was a group of married friends that decided to go. </div><div>
</div><div>What I meant is that I would think it would get annoying if a group of straight single ladies were always going in on their own. Like how Bay said she would go because they had the best karaoke. Not picking on her specifically because I have no idea what the situation was, but I feel like it would get annoying for random groups of girls to be coming in at any point, not just for b-parties.

</div>

musicalsunlight · July 2012

Ah, i see what you're saying Beachy. I probably wouldn't go as a group of girlfriends either.

divinemsbee · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:d1d72a18-587d-4e48-8450-2673708fe147">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, this isn't a new thing nor is discouraging them. And, while I understand the political sentiment expressed, most of my friends don't want b-parties at their bar because they tend to be obnoxious, insulting (as in the drunk girls in the party making insulting comments and stereotypes without meaning to) and don't tip for shiiit. <strong> One friend, who manages a local gay bar, phrased it as feeling like they were being put on display for the party's personal amusement. It's all "oh, look at the outlandish gay people!" </strong> On the other hand, if we'd had MY bach party there, I doubt anyone would have said much, since I am a reg and most of my party would also have been. It would have been just like any other night we were out at the club. Does that make sense?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is the problem many of my friends have with it as well. There are women who go and gawk like it's the zoo. Not cool. That's why I think that the bars have started to ban the b-parties outright. I think part of it is because gay marriage is such a hot button issue, but part of it is not wanting to be treated as objects or decorations. I think it's fair for the owners of gay clubs to not have those kinds of parties or people in their clubs. </div>

QueerFemme · July 2012

I am a lesbian and I go to bars all the time. Most of the "gay bars" are generally mixed with gay men and lesbians. Some lean heavily towards one or the other, but generally, are welcoming.

I will say, as a regular to queer bars, it DOES irritate the crap out of me when bachelorette parties show up. I am not including the B-parties that show up there because they have a bunch of gay friends and would generally hang out there with said friends anyway, I'm talking about the group of straight women showing up to a gay bar who have probably never been there before. Gay bars aren't a fish bowl or a zoo. We aren't there for the amusement of a b-party. AND, the political side of us not being able to get married in most states and we can't even escape that fact for a few hours and a few beers. If you have lots of gay friends and would hang out at a gay bar regularly anyway, then ... I don't have a problem with it. But, going to a queer bar for the first time for your b-party is offensive.

It also irritates the crap out of me when straight couples come to queer bars looking for a threesome and think that cruising single lesbians is the best method to do that. They hang on to each other with a death grip because they don't want to be mistaken for being gay.... at the same time they are hoping to make eye contact with someone who they are going to try to convince to go home with them. Just a head's up for anyone who might try that in the future. It rarely works. We all laugh at how ridiculous you look and you end up leaving. Try Craiglist next time.

entropicbeauty · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:0c7767bc-2e3d-4949-b30f-658fb0fc28ff">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]Entropic -- Why do you think the bachelorette parties are good for a gay bar?
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

<div>ANY bar that is recognized as a "hot spot" for events (including bachelorette parties) is going to be making a lot of positive revenue off of it. I guess if I owned any kind of restaurant or club I personally would WANT to be a destination that people thought of for events (even annoying events).</div><div>
</div><div>To be fair though, I haven't been to many bachelorette parties in my life and never to one that was over the top annoying (with penis paraphanelia and all that jazz)...so I guess I don't have that other perspective.</div>

QueerFemme · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gay-marriage-bach-parties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3210308-f644-4dc8-bfdd-fbd4242e2d40Post:88c80766-a850-430c-905d-4954ecccc146">Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gay Marriage & Bach Parties? : <strong>ANY bar that is recognized as a "hot spot" for events (including bachelorette parties) is going to be making a lot of positive revenue off of it.</strong> I guess if I owned any kind of restaurant or club I personally would WANT to be a destination that people thought of for events (even annoying events). To be fair though, I haven't been to many bachelorette parties in my life and never to one that was over the top annoying (with penis paraphanelia and all that jazz)...so I guess I don't have that other perspective.
Posted by entropicbeauty[/QUOTE]

I disagree with this. When a queer bar becomes a "hot spot" for straight people, it generally loses the revenue of the gay clientele they were originally serving. I know plenty of gay and lesbian folks who go home once the straight folks start showing up.

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