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WR: Opinions needed
Okay... So here is the background story.
Future in-laws are paying for 3/4ths of the wedding. My parents are paying the other 1/4th. Both sets of parents don't want us to pay anything. I know whoever is paying, gets a say in the decisions, and FI and I are okay with our parents being very involved.
We are at the reception hall, and they ask if we are having children at the wedding, at the same time, FMIL and I answer differently (She says NO! And I say YES!). So, later we all sit down to discuss wedding stuff, and the topic of kids comes up again. I don't want 30 little kids running around that day, but I do want my 3 little cousins (all around 5-6) and my neighbor (same age) to be in the bridal party. Those are the only little kids I want invited. She reluctantly agrees, and says she doesn't want kids "ruining" their party. So, we are having a babysitter to take care of these kids during the dinner and if the kids want to stay downstairs in the playroom (that is already available), they can. Parents are happy that they can enjoy dinner and not be worried about their kids during the reception. I thought the problem was solved (silly me).
Yesterday, FI and his parents get together to discuss their guest list. They got on the topic of the rehearsal dinner and start making the invite list for the rehearsal dinner. On the invite list: bridesmaids, groomsmen, us, his parents, my parents. That is all. They didn't even include spouses of the bridal party OR any of the kids in the bridal party OR any of their parents OR my grandma who lives with my parents... So, later FI is telling me the invite list, and I mention all these people who were left out. His mom said kids aren't invited to the rehearsal dinner? What? I've never heard of this before? Uuuuh, last time I checked, little kids are the ones who NEED to practice the day before.
So, long story, short, who is invited to the rehearsal dinner? Who is right? FMIL (Only the adult bridal party and our parents are invited) or me (the entire bridal party and their spouses, and the kids parents, and my grandma are invited)?
Future in-laws are paying for 3/4ths of the wedding. My parents are paying the other 1/4th. Both sets of parents don't want us to pay anything. I know whoever is paying, gets a say in the decisions, and FI and I are okay with our parents being very involved.
We are at the reception hall, and they ask if we are having children at the wedding, at the same time, FMIL and I answer differently (She says NO! And I say YES!). So, later we all sit down to discuss wedding stuff, and the topic of kids comes up again. I don't want 30 little kids running around that day, but I do want my 3 little cousins (all around 5-6) and my neighbor (same age) to be in the bridal party. Those are the only little kids I want invited. She reluctantly agrees, and says she doesn't want kids "ruining" their party. So, we are having a babysitter to take care of these kids during the dinner and if the kids want to stay downstairs in the playroom (that is already available), they can. Parents are happy that they can enjoy dinner and not be worried about their kids during the reception. I thought the problem was solved (silly me).
Yesterday, FI and his parents get together to discuss their guest list. They got on the topic of the rehearsal dinner and start making the invite list for the rehearsal dinner. On the invite list: bridesmaids, groomsmen, us, his parents, my parents. That is all. They didn't even include spouses of the bridal party OR any of the kids in the bridal party OR any of their parents OR my grandma who lives with my parents... So, later FI is telling me the invite list, and I mention all these people who were left out. His mom said kids aren't invited to the rehearsal dinner? What? I've never heard of this before? Uuuuh, last time I checked, little kids are the ones who NEED to practice the day before.
So, long story, short, who is invited to the rehearsal dinner? Who is right? FMIL (Only the adult bridal party and our parents are invited) or me (the entire bridal party and their spouses, and the kids parents, and my grandma are invited)?
~~December 3, 2011~~
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WR: Opinions needed
My 2 cents.
I understand she has a problem with the kids (although WP should be invited), but did she explain why spouses and grandparents were cut from the list? If it's a money issue, would she accept you and FI contributing for these additional guests? I know that may not work as you stated both parents do not want you to have to pay.
I know most of the spouses probably won't be there anyways, because of work obligations, but I feel like an invite should be offered.
As for the grandma, there is more to this story. My mom takes care of my grandma full time. My mom made arrangements with my aunt (who is out of town) to take my grandma for the weekend and take care of her during the wedding (she has a tendency to wonder off and gets confused easily). So, we expected OOT guests to be invited to the rehearsal. My family already made arrangements to pass my grandma off to my aunt during the rehearsal dinner. Now, according to my FMIL, my grandma or my aunt are invited.
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And especially if the WP members don't all know everyone at the RD, it seems a little rude to expect them to come dateless and twiddle their thumbs.
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my immediate family
his immediate family
the ministers and their familes
bridal party, spouses/significant others, children (including children attendants and their parents)
out of town family
musicians and spouses/significant others
for a total of 86 people (as of today, it could change)
there was no way we couldn't include families (spouses, children, or significant others) without damaging family relationships on his side. however, his family is hosting the dinner so I'm not too worried about it. from what I understand they are cooking traditional Mexican celebratory dishes. posole, mmmmmm! it'll be nothing fancy, but it was more important that it was a big family party than to have something fancy. it works for us.
good luck with your FMIL... hopefully you all can come to an agreement.
is she very traditional about all this wedding business? if so, maybe you can find some 'evidence' that inviting families/children is proper etiquette.
ETA for clarification
Wish me luck, we are going to look at invites on Wednesday evening and we have completely different tastes
If my fmil was trying to tell me my grandmother and spouses were not invited, I would tell her to screw off(well not really) but I would tell her that we will pay for the rehearsal dinner and invite who we want.
If you pay for it yourself then at least you get say in the matter. Host a pizza party at your house if you are trying to save on costs.
I'm sure if you tell her that you plan on hosting a pizza party then she might change her mind real quick on the extra people.
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But then again, my little brother, who was the ring bearer, and I were the only kids at the wedding. It was quite boring for us - and he didn't even get to go to the reception.
[QUOTE]I was a flower girl in a wedding almost 20 years ago and I wasn't at the rehearsal dinner. I showed up to the wedding and was told "Put on this dress, here's a basket of flowers. Throw them while you're walking down the aisle and stand still when you get to the end." No rehearsal necessary. But then again, my little brother, who was the ring bearer, and I were the only kids at the wedding. It was quite boring for us - and he didn't even get to go to the reception.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]
That is just sad that your brother didn't even get to go to the reception.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WR: Opinions needed : That is just sad that your brother didn't even get to go to the reception.
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]
LOL I was 7 and he was 4 at the time. He wasn't in the mood to be a ring bearer that day; he screamed bloody murder when my dad tried to pin a boutonniere on his lapel.
I was taken home early from the reception anyway, because a 7 year old with an active imagination can only stay occupied for so long without anything to do. Literally, nothing. I didn't even get crayons and a coloring book.
I think it's pretty uncool that your FMIL saw fit to ignore so many important people. Sounds like you're mostly working it out though. I would say that SOs are for sure, as well as any close family you want. I like the idea of a few OOT, if costs and inclination permit. That's tricky about your grandma. I get it, though. My grandma needs 24h care, and whenever my time rolls around, if she's still alive, I don't know how I'm going to handle that. Sadly she can't communicate well, tends to sleep through most stuff, and doesn't really have much short term memory. I know she'd like the food part, but taking her out of the house is a lot of work for my family. We'd probably have to draw lots to see who's staying with her, or have my aunt and uncle take shifts.
It would have been better if your FI had asked what your expectations were before he and his mom sat down. But again, it seems like you have this mostly figured out. Good luck.
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