Post Wedding- Kickin his buttta OUT!

suzieharris · October 2010

Just an update for you girls who have followed my pre wedding doubts (ex wife drawing my income for child support ect). Well, that is the least of my worries. He has a had a personal ad on craigslist since at least 4 months before the wedding. Nice huh??? So glad I payed that 10K for the wedding, plus the honeymoon to Maui, oh and the rings. NERVER thought in a million years he would do this. SO glad I decided not to sign a marriage license until he found a permenant job. YEAH for me! Now if I can just get him out of my house.

LesPaul · October 2010

Wait - what?? Your DH has an ad on CL? WTF?

Marrin713 · October 2010

I second WTF Suzie!? How'd you find this out? I am so sorry. WTF does he have to say for himself?

thealphabride · October 2010

Wow Suzie, I am truly sorry you are going through this.

So, are you saying you didn't sign the license and you are not legally married to him yet? That sure would make things a lot easier.

Do you own your home?

We are here for you. The ladies here have had a wealth of experience dealing with difficult spouses or.....douche bags like this man. Sometimes they can be charming and want to reel you back in, please don't fall for it. If he doesn't work, and it sounds like he doesn't and hasn't for a while he is a financial BURDON as you already stated above.

I know you are hurting, you are absolutely doing the right thing, you have to cut him off like a gangreened limb. FAST AND HARD, so you can start healing and moving on immediately.

Do you have a support system, people you can lean on right now, girlfriends, family?
((((( hugs ))))))

MikesAngie · October 2010

W-o-w that is terrible. I'm sorry that you have to go through this even though you didn't sign the marriage license there is still the emotional side of things.

Interesting that he had the ad up before you had your ceremony and honeymoon - what was his excuse? This is extremely horrid, and not to mention what this will do to his kids... What a douche bag!

I think given the circumstances you can probably ask that the court remove him from your property. Mental and emotional cruelty is abuse and you can get a restraining order against him which would prevent him from being at your home.

Erin McCormack · October 2010

OMG Suzie, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You must be on an emotional roller coaster right now. If I have only one piece of advice that I can give you, it's what my 18 year old son told me when I was unsure about rocking the boat and bringing more charges against my ex and that is TAKE THE EMOTION OUT OF IT ! Whatever decisions you make, look at it for what it is based on the facts and stick to your guns. I know it's easier said than done, but, it's the only way you can act on your own behalf and get through it.

I hope that you have a good suport system that you can lean on and please know that you have our support as well.

Get your Irish up and don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

Erin

Lisa50 · October 2010

(((( HUGS )))) I am so sorry you must deal with this. I can imagine you're overwhelmed. Heck, I'm sort of short of breath just reading and re-reading your post. Lord have mercy.

I agree on taking the emotion out of it as you proceed. And I whole heartedly agree that's easier said than done. Have you been to the police just to ask what your options might be? Ugh.

I will send good thoughts, vibes and prayers your way. Peace.

AdelphiTN · October 2010

Oh no! Suzie I am so sorry. Don't forget us, we are here for you.

suzieharris · October 2010

Thank you girls for ALL the support. I do have a great support system here but I knew that you would all bring my spirits up as well. Thank you! My first husband passed away 3 years ago and I have all of his friends on the homefront helping me out. My three children are devastate to say the least. His girls do not know what is going on at this point. We have visitation this weekend. I am not going to be picking them up and it breaks my heart. He has been driving my truck for the past 1 1/2 years. He does not have a way to pick them up nor a place to stay. The girls mean so much to me and it is killing me that my home has been the only stable place for them and now that is not available to them. Because we are not legally married but he is a permanent residence in my home since he has lived here for a year, I have to evict him. He can choose to stay for 30 days once he is served. UGH! I hope he gets the point and moves on. Don't know where he will go since his family has dis-owned him over this situation. He doesn't have money or a car. Is it really my responsibility any more? I have myself and my children to think about.

suzieharris · October 2010

AND by the way, he denies everything. Claims that his computer was hacked. I found it when I was sending and email to his daughter's teacher, from his computer. Guess I should have sent that email months ago.

kimp67 · October 2010

So sorry you are going through this.

prodigalgirl · October 2010

So sorry to hear this! I went through this with my ex (only to a much larger extent... think Tiger Woods), so PM me if you want to talk!

arv266 · October 2010

He doesn't have money or a car. Is it really my responsibility any more? I have myself and my children to think about.

Suzie, so sorry that you are going through this. The only words that come to mind cannot be typed...

I just wanted to remind you that NO, this is not your responsibility any more. It is a terrible situation for his girls, and your kids too, but he's made the mess and he must clean it up. Other than wash your hands of him, there is nothing else that you need to do. You're an infinitely kinder person than I am, because I would have his stuff piled outside and the locks changed.

Know that you can come and vent anytime you want, we're all here for you.

msblumoo · October 2010

Uh, what to say?! I am so sad for you, but you seem to be a very strong and capable women so I know that you will be fine and recover. In the meantime my thoughts are with you and yours.

MikesAngie · October 2010

Suzie, he doesn't respect you or your relationship and you ARE NOT RESPONSIBILE for him or his children. You deserve to be respected, loved and honored for who you are not what you can provide out of kindness and love.

You can defintely vent to us...we're here for you!

PiscesFish · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_post-wedding-kickin-his-buttta-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:bf993401-a97f-4a2c-80fd-6c499f26185dPost:1b3c7e08-15a6-4cbf-adb4-cbbf7c472795">Re: Post Wedding- Kickin his buttta OUT!</a>:
[QUOTE]Suzie, he doesn't respect you or your relationship and you ARE NOT RESPONSIBILE for him or his children. You deserve to be respected, loved and honored for who you are not what you can provide out of kindness and love. You can defintely vent to us...we're here for you!
Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

Second this ad infinity. You've done more than enough for him (and WTF, you're paying his XW child support when you and he aren't even married?!) Your ONLY responsibilities are to yourself and your children - doubtless you all are hurting right now.

I am so sorry you are going through this - NOBODY deserves to be treated this way.

ichellemay1 · October 2010

I haven't been around long enough to know the whole story, but from what I read - you need to take care of you and yours. T & P to you and your family during this difficult time.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

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thealphabride · October 2010

Because we are not legally married but he is a permanent residence in my home since he has lived here for a year, I have to evict him. GET this going now!
He can choose to stay for 30 days once he is served. So be it, but time flies and he'll be out before you know it.... at the 30th day have the sheriff there to make sure he gets out.

UGH! I hope he gets the point and moves on. HE IS A USER AND A LIAR, So DON'T COUNT ON IT, HE'S LOOKING FOR A FREE RIDE, AND WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE....

Don't know where he will go NOT YOUR PROBLEM !
since his family has dis-owned him over this situation.

He doesn't have money or a car. NOT YOUR PROBLEM ! TAKE THAT TRUCK AWAY FROM HIM NOW AND PARK IT AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE IMMEDIATELY.

OH, and his parents will probably take him in if you kick him out, so kick him out!!!

Is it really my responsibility any more? HELL NO!!!

TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR KIDS, THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY RESPONSIBILITIES, THANK GOD YOU WERE SMART AND DIDN'T GIVE HIM ACCESS TO YOUR ASSETS, and you aren't legally married.

Keep us posted Suzie ((((hugs)))

mom2tomany · October 2010

I'd kill him! Check and make sure your state doesn't regonize common law marriage. If you had the ceremony and refer to each other as husband and wife you could actually be legally married without the licence.

Erin McCormack · October 2010

Suzie, I agree with so many of the pp's and thealphabride hit it right on the head. Make a copy of that and keep it with you read it like a montra.

As insistant as you would be with one of your children if this was happening to them, you need to do the same for yourself. You DESERVE BETTER ALWAYS. Get your IRISH UP and find out all your options, Talk to as many people as you can and get as much advise as possible. Weed through it and take the best from everyone. Alway's know that your not alone and if you need to vent or to figure out your game plan don't hesitate to bring it here. The ladies here are incredible and always supportive.

My thoughts and prayers to you Suzzie.

Marrin713 · October 2010

No, he and his are not your responsibility; altho I am sorry that his children are involved in this. Like Britt, I am wondering - - did you see anything beforehand - any warning signs? Also, if he's trolling around on CL, I'm surprised he gave you free access to his email account.

Anyway, the whole situation just blows and I'm sorry it's happened to you.

rapunnzzll · October 2010

Susie, I'm so very sorry. Everyone has given you advice and I don't have anything to add. Always remember to take care of yourself and your children first. It is so difficult to see children suffer because of the stupidity of a parent. If they don't already know, his children will eventually realize how he has hurt others while causing them pain as well. Thinking of you.

nabrighteyes · October 2010

If it is your house and your house ONLY, change the lock and listen as he rings the door bell demanding entry as you sip a glass of wine. I know, I'm so cold hearted!

BTW, sorry to hear about your situation but better now than later!

embracejoy · October 2010

OMG.. I am so sorry to hear this terrible news. Everyone has given you great advice. Good luck with everything..

MikesAngie · October 2010

nabrighteyes - I would so do that after I got the keys to my truck... Any grace I would have felt toward him would have been quickly mitigated by his behavior. But I'm mean like that - or is that self preservation?

Suzie just know that we're all thinking of you as you and your children as you go through this.

Marrin713 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_post-wedding-kickin-his-buttta-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:bf993401-a97f-4a2c-80fd-6c499f26185dPost:1db6d69f-a725-4a34-b061-28df5de84f6d">Re: Post Wedding- Kickin his buttta OUT!</a>:
[QUOTE]nabrighteyes - I would so do that after I got the keys to my truck... Any grace I would have felt toward him would have been quickly mitigated by his behavior. But I'm mean like that - or is that self preservation? Suzie just know that we're all thinking of you as you and your children as you go through this.
Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

What Angie said - esp. last sentence. (((Suzie)))

nabrighteyes · October 2010

Getting the keys to the truck is easy...

When he falls alseep, take them off the ring. I'm a straight forward kinda of chick. But if you can't get them that way, depending on the year and make of the truck, you can have the truck locks reprogrammed at the dealership.

prusgirl · October 2010

WOW. I'm sorry. This is my first time reading your story.

Are you safe in the house with him? I wonder if the police could help you if you do not feel safe?

2dBride · October 2010

You definitely need to check the legal situation carefully. Depending on state law, you may be married even if you didn't sign the license. Where we were married, we didn't even sign the license after it was granted; only the rabbi did.

LesPaul · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_post-wedding-kickin-his-buttta-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:bf993401-a97f-4a2c-80fd-6c499f26185dPost:872e7879-bc98-427e-aaf4-056171e2f709">Re: Post Wedding- Kickin his buttta OUT!</a>:
[QUOTE]You definitely need to check the legal situation carefully. Depending on state law, you may be married even if you didn't sign the license. Where we were married, we didn't even sign the license after it was granted; only the rabbi did.
Posted by 2dBride[/QUOTE]

Second this advice, Suzie. What are the common law requirements in California? You may be legally married.

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