Inviting my mom's extended family I barely know?

jlegga1 · April 2011

My FI and I are trying to keep our guest list pretty low (around 125 people) in order to be able to use the venue we like without being charged an extra $3,000 for an additional room and the higher food and beverage minimum to meet. My fiance and I did our guest list by taking out our mutual friends and putting them on the list and then dividing the number of invites left between the two of us so we each can invite the same number of people. This way we each have our allowed number of people and can invite whoever we want without arguing about him having more people than me or vice versa. My parents are paying for the wedding and we are paying for the honeymoon and possibly a few other things. My mom is always upset that I don't particularly want some of the people she wants me to because of our desire to have a smaller wedding and reception. She is wanting me to invite all of her extended family (her cousins and all of their families) which would be close to 40 people or more. I barely know most of these people and am not close to any of them at all. If i invited all of them that would mean that I would have to cut out a lot of people that are my friends or that I am close to. I understand that this is her celebration too and that she is paying for the wedding but it seems a bit unfair to make me cut out people I am close to so that she could invite all of her extended family whom I have only met a few times. Justin's parents won't be inviting their extended family like this and my dad won't either. But since their families are larger than hers she sees it as me excluding her family. However, in reality we would be making a special exception for her family. So can anyone help me out? What's the proper etiquette here? I want my mom to enjoy the wedding and reception but I want to enjoy it too and be able to invite people I'm close to. Any suggestions on what to do?

redheadfsu · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-moms-extended-family-barely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5681e269-b376-4e25-8f37-fe25899a756ePost:17e3465e-cc30-4295-a3d3-0986feb44e9c">Inviting my mom's extended family I barely know?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are trying to keep our guest list pretty low (around 125 people) in order to be able to use the venue we like without being charged an extra $3,000 for an additional room and the higher food and beverage minimum to meet. My fiance and I did our guest list by taking out our mutual friends and putting them on the list and then dividing the number of invites left between the two of us so we each can invite the same number of people. This way we each have our allowed number of people and can invite whoever we want without arguing about him having more people than me or vice versa. <strong>My parents are paying for the wedding</strong> and we are paying for the honeymoon and possibly a few other things. My mom is always upset that I don't particularly want some of the people she wants me to because of our desire to have a smaller wedding and reception. She is wanting me to invite all of her extended family (her cousins and all of their families) which would be close to 40 people or more. I barely know most of these people and am not close to any of them at all. If i invited all of them that would mean that I would have to cut out a lot of people that are my friends or that I am close to. I understand that this is her celebration too and that she is paying for the wedding but it seems a bit unfair to make me cut out people I am close to so that she could invite all of her extended family whom I have only met a few times. Justin's parents won't be inviting their extended family like this and my dad won't either. But since their families are larger than hers she sees it as me excluding her family. However, in reality we would be making a special exception for her family. So can anyone help me out? What's the proper etiquette here? I want my mom to enjoy the wedding and reception but I want to enjoy it too and be able to invite people I'm close to. Any suggestions on what to do?
Posted by jlegga1[/QUOTE]

She is paying so she gets to invite whoever she wants. Sorry.

If you don't like it, turn down her money.

[Deleted User] · April 2011

Ditto redhead.

And your wedding is a year away, so I think you & your FI have plenty of time to save and pay for your wedding so you can invite who you want to.

shanaea87 · April 2011

This is honestly a tough situation here. They always say that whoever pays has the say about things. While I get that I don't think it is fair when it comes to certain things. I would sit down and talk with her about it. Since she is paying let her know if she invites her extended family, therefore raising the guest list, that there would be the additional charge for the extra room and whatnot. If she does not want to pay that explain your feelings about wanting close family and friends there to celebrate your day. I honestly would hope that she would be understanding of that.

Habs2Hart · April 2011

Ditto pps. They who pay, get the say.

I'm confused by your OP. You say if you invite over a certain amount you have to pay for another room? So you'd be dividing your reception space and some people won't get to sit in the same room as you? If that is the case, cut back on your guest list but do not go over.

baystateapple · April 2011

I wouldn't want to have guests separated into two rooms. That is not fair to your guests, because there is clearly a "Siberia" in the room that obviously none of your closest friends or family will be seated in, and nobody wants to feel like a second-tier guest.

If your mother is paying, she gets to choose who is invited. You have the choice of either cutting back on your guest list, or paying more money and splitting your guests into two rooms. My advice would be to talk to your mother -- like PP said, you have plenty of time to talk about the guest list -- and explain your concern about having guests put into two rooms. Then see if you can't find a middle ground where you have the smaller number of guests and you don't have to cut your friends. But if you want total control over your wedding, unfortunately, you have to pay.

redheadfsu · April 2011

I missed the two rooms thing. Yeah talk to your mother about the two rooms & see what she says.

However, if she wants her guests over yours there is not much you can do. Although it would be nice if she listened to you, since she is paying she has total control (which includes deciding if you get your way or not).

tuckhm · April 2011

You are in somewhat similar situation to me. When we created the guest list, we decided to make it fair we would invite our closest friends and family (immediate family, aunts, uncles, and cousins). Thus, none of me and my FI's second cousisn, great aunts/uncles, etc. It was important for us to have a smaller more intimate wedding because we wanted to spend as much time with our guests as possible. And we wanted the people to be there to be the one's we cared about the most. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, so I thought this was an easy fair way to go.

Easy it was not. Both of our parent's are traditional, and assumed that they would be able to invite their friends and extended family even though these are people FI and I are not close to. They feel that since they are our parents they get special privelages for invites even though they aren't paying for the extra guests. And truthfully the issue isn't the cost (even though budget is a big concern of our's), the bigger issue is that it's important to FI and me to have an intimate wedding. And I had a similar issue with my FMIL as you have with your mother. Her immediate family is much smaller than our other parents, and she thinks that she should be able to invite extended family to make it more even stevens. And she doesn't understand that this is unfair to my Mom since she has extended family she is equally close to, and I think it would be unfair to exclude my Mom's family just because her immediate family happens to be larger than my FMIL. So I feel your pain on this issue. This has honestly been the worst part of the wedding planning process, pleasing our parents, being fair to everyone, and not sacrificing what's important to us.

Unfortunately you have a different challenge since your Mom is paying. I think it's ridiculous to say you shouldn't get anything you want just because your Mom is paying. Your Mom is paying for the wedding but I would hope that she would want to try her best to honor the things that are most important to you. If the most important thing for you is that you be able to invite your friends, explain to her the extra cost with needing an extra room. If she is unwilling to pay the extra money, try to figure out a compromise. I would hope that she would want to accomodate the people closest to you as much as she would want to accomodate her family.

If the most important thing to you is for this to be an intimate affair, then I'm not sure what you can do. The most you can do is talk to her about your feelings, and that you want the people closest to you, and inviting extended family isn't something that is cohesive with your intimate wedding dream. If this doesn't fly with your Mom since she's pulling the purse strings, then you might want to start saving to pay for the wedding yourself to make sure you can get what you want.

shrlynrse1969 · April 2011

Well, I'm the mother in our case, and we have the opposite problem. My daughter knows some of her cousins and aunts better than others. If we invite them all, there will be an additional 30 guests! But how can we invite a few and not all? Or not invite the ones she's closest to? We want an intimate event too.
In your case, maybe you could make an "A" list of guests and send out their invitations. When you get their responses, fill in the vacant spots by inviting guests from your "B" list, (which would be your mom's extended family). Do the math for your mom and show her how much more it will cost to provide a bigger room, centerpieces, and food for the additional guests. Good Luck!

AbbeyS2011 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-moms-extended-family-barely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5681e269-b376-4e25-8f37-fe25899a756ePost:f40d8558-ddf8-43d9-80c6-24dc3fc5c8ac">Re: Inviting my mom's extended family I barely know?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I'm the mother in our case, and we have the opposite problem. My daughter knows some of her cousins and aunts better than others. If we invite them all, there will be an additional 30 guests! But how can we invite a few and not all? Or not invite the ones she's closest to? We want an intimate event too. In your case, maybe you could make an "A" list of guests and send out their invitations. When you get their responses, fill in the vacant spots by inviting guests from your "B" list, (which would be your mom's extended family). Do the math for your mom and show her how much more it will cost to provide a bigger room, centerpieces, and food for the additional guests. Good Luck!
Posted by shrlynrse1969[/QUOTE]

Oh, A/B lists are such a bad idea.

OP, you should sit down with your FI, and explain the situation to your mother. I agree with PPs about the two rooms not being a good idea. My MOH ended up with two rooms at her reception at she said it was a disaster. All the people in the one room ended up leaving early because they missed out on most of the reception events.

Maybe you will be able to find a different venue that can accommodate all the guests your mother wants to invite. Another option would be to check with the current venue about one larger room.

Good Luck!

redheadfsu · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-moms-extended-family-barely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5681e269-b376-4e25-8f37-fe25899a756ePost:f40d8558-ddf8-43d9-80c6-24dc3fc5c8ac">Re: Inviting my mom's extended family I barely know?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I'm the mother in our case, and we have the opposite problem. My daughter knows some of her cousins and aunts better than others. If we invite them all, there will be an additional 30 guests! But how can we invite a few and not all? Or not invite the ones she's closest to? We want an intimate event too. In your case, maybe you could make an "A" list of guests and send out their invitations. When you get their responses, fill in the vacant spots by inviting guests from your "B" list, (which would be your mom's extended family). Do the math for your mom and show her how much more it will cost to provide a bigger room, centerpieces, and food for the additional guests. Good Luck!
Posted by shrlynrse1969[/QUOTE]

NO. A/B lists are horribly rude & people know what you are doing (b/c of timelines & repy dates) & get very offended. Never do A/B lists.

LessThanZero · April 2011

I'm not really clear on why it would bother you if those people are invited and it costs more if you're not paying for it. If your mom is paying and she is aware it will cost more and still wants to go through with it, then so be it.

It will be a pretty busy day for you. Having those people there isn't going to hurt unless they have a history of burning down wedding venues or something.

jlegga1 · April 2011

Thanks for all the advice guys. And just to clear a few things up:

The two rooms are connected but the way it's set up it would still be a very awkward situation because the guests in the extra room would still be very alienated.
My parents are paying for the wedding but there is still a budget and a limit to what they can afford. They can't afford to make the wedding much larger than 125 people anyways because of the catering costs. I wouldn't mind having the extra people there at all. That's not what my issue is. The issue is that it wouldn't be that she just has to pay more money for the reception for her extra guests it's that she is expecting me to cut out my friends in order to make room for her extended family. So since she has so much family that she wants to invite, I would literally not be able to have more than like two friends at my wedding.
Part of why my parents are paying for my wedding is because my FI and I are currently still in college and I have a lot of health problems. I've had a lot of health problems the past several years (I'm actually having surgery # 3 tomorrow morning) and missed most of high school as a result and all of the homecomings, proms, birthday parties, etc that goes with that time in life. So my wedding is important to my family and I to celebrate it and my parents really want to pay for it as a kind of way to make up for the lost time and celebrate me getting as far as I have. So this wedding is a special moment for my family and I and that's part of why they want to be involved and pay for it and everything. Also, as a result of all my health problems I am unable to have a job that would allow me to save up much money for a wedding AND finish college. So obviously they want to help me finish school in whatever way they can.
I have talked to my mom about this already but she thinks that I'm just trying to exclude her family. She isn't looking at it from my point of view at all and that's where we're clashing and having issues coming to a compromise. My dad is on my side and while my mom is always saying that it's my wedding and she wants me to have what I want (within reason of course) I know that if I don't invite her family I will hear about it for the rest of my life

Again, thanks so much for all of your opinions and help with this! I really appreciate the input

tuckhm · April 2011

That's a really unfortunate situation. I personally don't think it's right to say that since your Mom is paying for the wedding you shouldn't get to invite a single friend. I know that for some weddings, the guest list is broken up into thirds, so the couple gets to invite one third, the bride's parents get to invite one third, and the groom's parents get to invite one third. So maybe your Mom and Dad can decide which 42 people of their families they would like to invite. (This type of agreement never would have worked for my wedding, but maybe it could be a solution to your's). Or does your Mom have only a few members of her extended family that she is particularly close to that she could invite, rather than all 40 of them?

If neither of you can come up with a compromise, then maybe you can look for a venue where you can more easily accomodate and afford a larger guest list. Even if you are afraid that you Mom will forever resent not being able to invite her famiily, you don't want to resent the wedding because you didn't get to invite anyone for yourself. As the bride you deserve that, no matter who is paying.

jlegga1 · April 2011

That's an interesting idea about dividing it into thirds but I'm not sure how well that would really work out. That's why we did it in half. I think doing it in thirds would create an even bigger issue. But thank you for that suggestion. The only possible way to invite all of her extended family like she wants is to either cut out all of my friends and only have my family and her extended family, or for her to pay the extra $3,00 or more that it would cost to have her family there and I know that her and my dad can't afford that, nor would they want to or be willing to pay all of that.

Inviting my mom's extended family I barely know?

Re: Inviting my mom's extended family I barely know?

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