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Too Young? Read Please- Need Advice!

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Re: Too Young? Read Please- Need Advice!

  • OP, please, please at the bare minimum graduate college before you get married. I know you don't think you're going to change, but you will. And I know there's nothing I can say that will convince you.

    I have friends who were high school sweethearts and got married, but they waited until after they finished college and established their careers. You have nothing to lose by waiting.

    And for the record, I would side-eye a 35 year old who got engaged after six months. I got engaged at age 31 after over two years together and over a year of living together. Let me tell you, the first month of living together was one of the most challenging times of our relationship.
  • My HS boyfriend cheated on me the second I left for college and then continued to cheat on me for the 6 years following that. You may ask, why on earth would you stay with him??? and I would reply "well i was young, nieve, and in love and he's the one I want to marry." 


    EHHHHH WRONG!!! we both went to college & guess what...we both changed. Why? Because you grow up in college and learn who you are and you become different people!!! I'm sure you love this guy, but you are operating on high school infatuation-love, not real long lasting marriage love. They are completely different. If I would've married my HS boyfriend, I'm positive we would've been divorced within a couple years. In all the people I know in my life, I can think of TWO couples that were together since MS/HS and are still married. Everyone else I know was already divorced by 25. I'm not saying this is or will be you, but the odds aren't in your favor. 

    Please go to college, grow up, and become adults and see where you are then. Marriage isn't a game. 
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  • I started dating my FI when I was still 15. We seriously discussed marriage at 18 but our parents begged us to wait. So, now that I am 21 and he is 22 we are finally engaged and planning our wedding for January 2013. While getting married at 18 sounded like SOOO much fun at the time, I am glad we waited. We have now had to deal with more adult life situaions such as jobs, paying bills, family drama, building a home together, etc. and we now know we have what it takes to work thorugh such situations. I would tell you to wait, live together for a while, and make sure that when life gets more real and you have more to worry about that you can still make it through. Don't get engaged just to be engaged for a few years or w.e. your plan is...get a promise ring and save the engagement for when you can actually begin planning a wedding with parental and other family support.

    I wish you all the best and I hope this helps...just think more long term and less in the here and now! If you love him so much now, you will love him even more in 3-4 years.
  • You are WAY too young.  I'm still dating my HS boyfriend.  We started dating when we were 16/17, now we're 24/25 and still aren't getting married just yet. We are completely different people than we were when we were still in HS.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-read-please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9ccbab64-7a6c-48ee-9dc7-4173b01b97dbPost:55010178-4ff4-49d1-9412-dae0daf9ca1c">Re: Too Young? Read Please- Need Advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's my college program- that's how. That isn't my question. People that are 35 get engaged after six months of knowing eachother. We've been togetehr two years. We're the most mature people I know. How about you review my question: "  My problem is, I'll (most likely) still be a senior in high school when he proposes, and I'm concerned about what people will say. I know, who cares, right? But I've seen other girls get engaged in high school and I thought they were absolutely ridiculous... No way it would last. But then I realized I was in their situation... I know I shouldn't care, because it's OUR love, but it still concerns me that people will constantly tell me that I'm too young and making a mistake..." Thanks
    Posted by ohheymorganlynn[/QUOTE]


    If you are that concerned with other think, then you aren't as mature as you think you are. Go to college, and see where you are after that. Good luck.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • edited July 2012
    Ok, OP, if you honestly believe you're ready for engagement/marriage, answer me these questions: Where do you live? How about your BF? What do your bills consist of? Who pays them? What about BF? Where do you work? What about BF? How much do you spend a month on groceries? Gas? Electric? What about BF? Is your BF financially responsible? How do you know? What would you do if your ceiling fell in due to a pipe like? How do you plan on paying for a wedding? Once you answer these questions, I'll give you my opinion about whether you're ready for marriage/engagement. Sorry for the horrible format. Typed this on my iPhone.
  • Please wait.  At least experience a year of college first.  I was dating someone for almost 2 years when I started college.  We made it through the first year and then broke up.  Everyone thought we would end up married.  So did he.  Um yeah.  No.  We changed as people.  I promise you people change.  Some change together.  Others don't.  I was shy and quiet when I went to college.  Not anymore.  You grow as a person for those 4 years.  

    Also?  Graduating early depends on everyone.  I'm graduating in 3 years due to coming in with a good many AP credits.  And because I still have grad school and would like to hurry up and get work experience so I can go back and get my MBA.  Some majors you just can't graduate early.  Even if you do, are you okay giving up a year of college?  I'm not going to lie, college is fun.  But you have to be okay with your choice and not look back and resent leaving early to get married and be with someone.

    I'm engaged and somewhat young compared to other brides on this site.  I didn't care what people would think because 1. I'm not in high school, and 2. What other people thinks didn't matter to me.  If you have to ask, you probably aren't ready.  And that's okay.  You have plenty of time.  
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  • OP Please listen to these people and wait. I think its important to experience life changes before getting married so you know how atleast you handle when change comes, and how you grow. I think its an even better idea to experience those things with the person you intend to marry because then you know how they change and grow as well. Knowing this tells you if you grow together or appart. Knowing atleast how you change in situations means you atleast know yourself well enough to know how that might impact someone elses life. You are so young and you've had literally no life experience that wasn't guided by your family so please just take a moment to breath and wait.If you and your bf are meant to be then the time spent waiting you will grow together rather than appart, you will grow as individuals, and you will learn how you each change in the face of adversity and growth opportunities. These are all wonderful things.

    Remember a marraige is not just about being together its about taking care of each other through good and bad. You dont know what life will throw at you yet or how to approach that yet. You dont know the day to day expenses and how stressful just living life can be, let alone the big things that come along.

    2 years in the life of a 17 year old seems like a lot of time because its almost 15% of your life. However with the lack of experience in life you will find 2 years in the life of a 17 year old have been very guided and is really rather short in the grand stream of things. 6 months in the life of a 31 year old maybe a blink of an eye but due to life experiences of both parties 6 months or that quick blink maybe enough to access a situation and know based on past experiences if it can work and commit to that. Time is not what is important when choosing a relationship experience is and experiencing things together.

    I'm 31 I've been married before it failed. I'm engaged now, and he is 41. In the first 6 months we experienced long distance, him moving, major medical tests for me, vacation together, me training for an endurance event, him meeting my daughter, weddings, integration of years of friendships, etc.  We;ve now been together 2 years you can add to that list major financial difficulties, deaths, major medical crisis for me, injuries that put me on crutches, vacations with my daughter in tow, talking of budgets, shopping for houses, etc. 2 years for us is very different from 2 years for you, your experiences are limited to movies, malls, games, studying, etc. Not that these experiences arent wonderful, they are special just limiting. They do not affect your life on the long term.

    So please take your time and breath. Do not marry too young there is no rush, being 25 and divorced when your friends are happily settling down is depressing trust me I've done that. However knowing 100% that you can and will get through anything together because you have, and having the joy of a wedding to celebrate that commitment you've already made together and the adversity you've grown together through and will stand with each other through in the future is an amazing thing. You have your whole lives to live together, be married, and take care of each other for better or for worse for now just enjoy being young and worry about you and only you through college. If its right itll be there when you are done with college stronger and more beautiful than before.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-read-please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9ccbab64-7a6c-48ee-9dc7-4173b01b97dbPost:94afedad-0f8b-471e-ad82-77538a8c5afa">Re:Too Young? Read Please Need Advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok, OP, if you honestly believe you're ready for engagement/marriage, answer me these questions: Where do you live? How about your BF? What do your bills consist of? Who pays them? What about BF? Where do you work? What about BF? How much do you spend a month on groceries? Gas? Electric? What about BF? Is your BF financially responsible? How do you know? What would you do if your ceiling fell in due to a pipe like? How do you plan on paying for a wedding? Once you answer these questions, I'll give you my opinion about whether you're ready for marriage/engagement. Sorry for the horrible format. Typed this on my iPhone.
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    I second all of these questions and would love answers to them.

    Also, what makes you so mature and your BF so mature?  What have you experienced in life?  Have you had to take care of yourselves physically/financially (i.e., each of you living by yourself, earning enough money to support yourselves)?  

    At 18 I had been taking care of myself physically and semi-financially for years (my parents housed and fed me but gave me no money for other expenses/fun/clothes), I worked part-time, I was honor role all the way and I had been taking care of my grandmother who lived with us for four to five years by then (i.e., she couldn't eat, clean herself or use the bathroom without assistance so both before school and after school I was responsible for her...even at 3 am if she woke up).  I was known in my circle of friends as "the 40 year old" because I couldn't go out 90% of the time in the evenings or on weekends (had to take care of grandmother, work or study...or all three). 

    I'd say that shaped me into a pretty mature 18 year old.  Would I have married any boy I was dating at the time? No. Why? Because I was a mature 18 year old who understood that life would bring me so much more good and bad things that would further mature and shape me.  Essentially, I wanted to be the best partner for the man I would end up with and I knew those events would change me...it wasn't fair to me or to anyone I was dating when I was that young to commit to marriage.
  • I met my BF when we were 14. We were the best of friends all throughout high school and beyond. We did not start dating till we were 29/30. I knew when we were in high school that he was someone I would have in my life forever.

    I wouldn't say I 'knew he was the one', because at 14-18 years old, I didn't know what life was going to bring me, and neither do you. I went to college, he joined the army. I got pregnant (with someone else)and had the most wonderful child, he went off to fight in the war. I raised a child (with his love and support), and he dated around.

    And now, here we are, 32 years old and planning a life together (including trying to conceive...OUT OF WEDLOCK! GAAAAAASP!)

    If this boy is the one, and yes he's a boy...he will be the one when you are 24, 30, 32. There is no need to rush into marriage, unless you're waiting and dying to get into his pants. If that's the case, bang the shiiit out of him now. I assure you, God will forgive you. Trust me, horny teenagers are at about the bottom of his list of "going to hell". He's to busy dealing with the likes of Mitt Romney and rapists and murderers to care about a couple of horny teens getting it on.
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









  • I blame those damn Twilight books...now every GD teen thinks they have to get married right after high school. 

    OP, on the very off chance that you are still reading this thread, I was engaged at 18 and it was over by the time we were 21. College changed us- both for the better, and we wouldn't have had a happy marriage. My cousin, on the other hand, dated her now husband since they were 14. Even they waited till they were 20 to get engaged. At that point they were both out of their parent houses, had jobs, paid their own bills and had lived a bit. Its easy to say that when you know, you know, but sometimes your wrong too. Only time will tell.



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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-read-please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9ccbab64-7a6c-48ee-9dc7-4173b01b97dbPost:081f638d-b007-4435-8df0-e9cbdea6a85a">Re: Too Young? Read Please- Need Advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I blame those damn Twilight books...now every GD teen thinks they have to get married right after high school. 
    Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

    THIS.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-read-please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9ccbab64-7a6c-48ee-9dc7-4173b01b97dbPost:081f638d-b007-4435-8df0-e9cbdea6a85a">Re: Too Young? Read Please- Need Advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I blame those damn Twilight books...now every GD teen thinks they have to get married right after high school. 
    Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

    This x2
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-read-please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9ccbab64-7a6c-48ee-9dc7-4173b01b97dbPost:081f638d-b007-4435-8df0-e9cbdea6a85a">Re: Too Young? Read Please- Need Advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I blame those damn Twilight books...now every GD teen thinks they have to get married right after high school. 
    Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, sorry I was thinking the same thing. 
  • I was very mature in high school as well - I worked no less than 20 (usually closer to 30) hours a week on top of AP and honors classes and keeping up with gymnastics. My parents had me really young, so I grew up quickly and was pretty independent fairly young (my parents fed me and paid for gymnastics, I paid all of my other expenses - cell phone, car insurance and repairs, the 8 million concerts I went to, clothing, even my class ring).  

    I also had a BF who I was in love with that I started dating at 16.  I was pretty sure we were going to get married, but I didn't plan on it any time soon or let that affect where I went to college.  That was the best decision of my life.  It turns out, we went to college and who knew, but we had COMPLETELY different priorities and wants in life.  He didn't drink.  At all.  Ever.  Not even a sip.  I, on the other hand, do and did.  In high school, it worked out because I only drank at the occasional party and I always had a DD.  But in college, we were just... lame.  I never went out, never tried to make any new friends, and made sure to visit him as much as possible.  It sucked, and I broke up with him at the end of the first semester.  It was really painful - I still loved him and it took a very long time to move on, but I would have never been happy with him.  

    When I look back on our relationship, I realize that as independent as I was, he was not.  (Example, his mom wrote his college application essay and took care of the FAFSA for him.  My mom handed me her tax return so I could fill my own FAFSA out.)  But when he didn't have his mom to do things for him, he had me.  It made me feel way more mature and adult because essentially I was taking on the mom role for him.  I would have completely missed out on my awesome college life if I had stayed with him.  I'd be living the life of a 40 year old trapped in a 20 year old's body.  

    Also he's really weird now and we haven't spoken in over 4 years.  So bullet dodged, and I could not be happier about that.  
  • I think it's really important to have your own life before combining it with someone else. To me means you can support yourself, you have your own interests and hobbies, and you might not have a career completely figured out but you are in the process of figuring out what you want to do.
    I always thought that I would get married right after college, until my senior year when my boyfriend of 4 years started talking about proposing. It all just hit me then that I was still so young! If I could do it over I wouldn't even date anyone seriously in college because you really do change and are learning about yourself during that time. Not to say it doesn't work for people, my twin dated her now hubby since she was 18 and they got married at 24 and have been happy ever since.
    Whatever you decide, good luck..
  • OP, first of all, i like your screen name (but I'm biased).

    Now, on the off chance that you're still reading this with a somewhat open mind I have a story for you.

    I grew up going to a Christian (baptist) church, and I'm a Christian myself. I probably know more people who get engaged at a college-age than I do those who get engaged later on in life. I know how common it is, and how it tends to be kind of encouraged.

    But here's the the story- one of my best friends got engaged at 18 out of high school. She did get married, a couple years later. And as happy as she is, every once in a while she will admit to me that she wishes that had just WAITED an extra year or two to get married because there wasn't any rush. She wishes she had taken a bit more time for herself, to finish school and get that done before settling down. It doesn't make you any less in love. It doesn't make your relationship any less valid or serious.

    So yeah, you might be one of the few younger couples where things just seem to work out well after getting married young. But really think about it. And seek the advice of older couples you're close to before making this decision all on your own. Really think about it. Especially the questions Shoes asked you.
  • Agree with everything that has already been said!

    OP - The reason that no one will take you seriously, and that people will think you are CRAZY for getting engaged so young, is that you don't know how you will change as you age. There's no way you could possibly know this now - it's not your fault, that's just the way it is. Since high school, a bunch of different life events (working at a sleep-away camp, transferring to a different college, living in NYC with my (now ex)best friend) changed my personality in so many MAJOR ways that people from high school would hardly recognize me now (aside from the fact that I look pretty much the same... lol). I'm not saying I'm better or worse than I saw at your age, I'm just - different. And any guy I met and even fell in love with back then may or may not feel the same way about me now. You and your BF are both going to change a lot over the next few years. Hopefully, your love will last, but you owe it to yourself and your BF to let your relationship grow and change (for better or worse) without the pressure of an engagement. 
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  • Here's what I took from your post: You're talking about getting engaged, but you said nothing about marriage itself. You're missing the ENTIRE point of an engagement (which is to plan for the marriage that will follow it...not the wedding [although you plan that too], the MARRIAGE).

    There is nothing more I can add to this thread that hasn't already been said. 
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    Life is good today.
  • WAIT. Please wait. Please, please, please. You do not want to regret this decision later on in life, trust me. There is absolutely no harm in waiting until you're older. NO HARM. Why are you so anxious to get married right now? Why? You are in no position to be making this decision. I don't care if you're the most mature teenager on the planet. That won't matter 4 years down the road when you've changed and he's changed and you aren't compatible anymore. Don't get suckered into this magical fairytale idea of screwing everybody else and following your heart because of how in love you are. The only thing you'll be proving to people is that you're immature and dumb. You're only young once--freaking enjoy it and be a kid. Marriage is forever and I'm sorry but, a 2 year high school relationship doesn't even begin to prove that you're ready for that.
  • OP is never coming back...
    I french with my man
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  • I'm going to start by saying this - I don't believe you came here looking for advice; you came here looking for a bunch of strangers to tell you we think your plan is okay, so that you can feel better about it.

    I have a 17 year old sister who will be a senior this school year, so what I'm going to tell you is exactly what I would tell her as a concerned, older sister if she came to me with what you're wanting.

    The first thing I'd ask her is why. Why do you want to be engaged before graduating high school or even right after? I have a feeling an 18 year old's response would be something like, "We love each other. There's no one else. If we know it's right, there's no point to waiting...and so on".

    You have your whole lives ahead of you. I just turned 26. When I think back, my younger years slipped by so fast. Getting engaged, being married, starting a family are HUGE milestones in life. Once your carefree days are gone, they're gone for good. This is not meant to be offensive, but you have no clue what it's like to maintain a relationship in the "real world". I'm guessing you still live at home and while you may have a job, the majority of your bills are paid for. You aren't worried about rent, utilities, food, medical bills, and all that comes with being an adult. These are very real things that can add to the stress of a relationship.

    At 17, you feel like you have it all figured out and once the big 1-8 comes around, you think you have all this freedom, when in reality you need to be an adult and be accountable for your actions. You need to figure out who you are. There is no doubt that in a few years, neither of you will be exactly who you are today. You need a fair chance to grow and change and then decide if you are still right for each other. The person I was with from 16-20, I was sure I'd marry. I thank my lucky stars today that I ditched his ass.

    Overall, please wait. Enjoy life the way it is now.

    ***I would just like to say to the person who made a comment about being glad OP's not having a child out of wedlock - FVCK OFF. That's the most ignorant bullsh!t I've ever heard. If my mom didn't go and get herself knocked up at 17 without a ring, I wouldn't have been given life. I don't condone teen pregnancy, but sh!t happens and miracles are born regardless.
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  • You notice a trend with all these stories?  Not a single person has said that they are the same person they were at 18, or wishes they got married at 18.  You know why?  Because it's true, for damn near everyone, you are not the exception.

    But go ahead, get engaged, think that we are all just a bunch of mean bitches who don't know you, ignore all the side-eyes you get in high school for being engaged, etc. 

    .....Then we'll see you back here in a few years giving the exact same advice we are giving you to someone else who thinks they are some special snowflake at 18.  And they won't listen to your story of woe either because they think they are so much different than any other 18 year old just like you do now and will have to make their own mistakes because they are stubborn and won't listen to the advice of people that have been there and done that. 
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    [QUOTE]You notice a trend with all these stories?  Not a single person has said that they are the same person they were at 18, or wishes they got married at 18.  You know why?  Because it's true, for damn near everyone, you are not the exception. But go ahead, get engaged, think that we are all just a bunch of mean bitches who don't know you, ignore all the side-eyes you get in high school for being engaged, etc.  .....Then we'll see you back here in a few years giving the exact same advice we are giving you to someone else who thinks they are some special snowflake at 18.  And they won't listen to your story of woe either because they think they are so much different than any other 18 year old just like you do now and will have to make their own mistakes because they are stubborn and won't listen to the advice of people that have been there and done that. 
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    Well said.

    I'd really like to hear what the OP has to say, if she is still reading.
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  • LilTexasGal, I can hear her across the internet: 
    "Old hags don't know anything about me!  I feel sorry for their husbands!" ;) etc.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-read-please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9ccbab64-7a6c-48ee-9dc7-4173b01b97dbPost:f2c280a4-8963-43e2-a45a-9c57848e24a0">Re: Too Young? Read Please- Need Advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]LilTexasGal, I can hear her across the internet:  "Old hags don't know anything about me!  I feel sorry for their husbands!" ;) etc.
    Posted by missfrodo[/QUOTE]

    I also feel sorry for my FI. That doesn't change the fact that this is a train wreck waiting to happen and that OP won't believe that, for the same reasons that this is a train wreck waiting to happen.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_too-young-read-please-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9ccbab64-7a6c-48ee-9dc7-4173b01b97dbPost:f2c280a4-8963-43e2-a45a-9c57848e24a0">Re: Too Young? Read Please- Need Advice!</a>:
    [QUOTE]LilTexasGal, I can hear her across the internet:  "Old hags don't know anything about me!  I feel sorry for their husbands!" ;) etc.
    Posted by missfrodo[/QUOTE]

    It's funny because it's so true, but I'm sure we're just jealous that she's getting engaged, you know, because we're old hags and all.
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  • I hate it when the OP doesn't come back.


  • I got engaged at 16 (but we broke it off 4 yrs later-didnt get married) you change a lot from 18 to 21, 21-25 and quite a bit from 25-30 but you guys have to decide for yourselves. You can always be engaged for a long time.
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