Open Letters

lpstl · December 2009

I need to do this, badly, so I don't disown my family. Join in if you'd like.

The theme of my open letters will be "What not to say to a pregnant woman". Let's begin:

Dear Grandma - I love you dearly, but if you make one more shitty comment about this baby's name I will fucking lose it. We're not changing his name because you don't like it, can't pronounce it, or think he'll hate me later for it. STFU.

Dear Grandma, brother, and sister - I understand that you think I'm insane for attempting to have a drug free birth. Good for you. Seeing as only one of the three of you has ever given birth (and that was 50 years ago) and none of you are remotely educated about it, I'd like you to shut your traps. Calling my doula a witch doctor one more time is going to result in bodily harm. And FYI, SO not appropriate christmas dinner conversation.

Dear relatives who haven't seen me in 16 years - My face isn't "full" from being pregnant, I actually haven't put on weight outside of my belly and boobs. The reason you think I look so much bigger than I used to is because the last time you saw me I WAS THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD.

Dear sweet loving husband - I know you think it's hilarious to constantly bring up that you were 10 lbs when you were born. But, I don't think it's funny. Do you know what this kid's exit strategy is? He's going to come out of my VAGINA. That's your happy place. Do you want to go to your happy place again? Yes? Ok, then STFU.

Love,

lpstl

vallyhoo · December 2009

This was my face reading this:

then

and then

[Deleted User] · December 2009

I hate that your family is being assholish, but I love this post. Bless your H's happy place.

mwhitson14 · December 2009

Oh lpstl. I'm sorry, but this made me laugh.

Shall I ring Chuck Norris for you?

bbyckes · December 2009

Witch doctor, haha.

My friend just went through a drug-free birth - she did well with it. Listening to her made me want to do the same thing. She used the Bradley method. Is that what you're using? I have high hopes for you!

[Deleted User] · December 2009

Here's my totally unrelated open letter:

Dear Errors,
EAT A TURD!
Love,
CEW

mwhitson14 · December 2009

Dear hotel coworker,

I'm so thrilled you have SO many vacation days, that you call and ask me to work for you constantly. It must be nice having all those days stored up. Oh, and also? Thanks for making me feel guilty when I can't (or won't) work for you.

Love,
Need a day off whit.

salt78 · December 2009

Dear lady at yoga yesterday,

I realize that it's cold and flu season and that some of us might be stuffy or coughy or have a runny nose. That's probably why the yoga studio put boxes of tissues like RIGHT THERE for you to use. I also understand that sometimes when you are really focused on a pose you don't want to necessarily come out of it, but blowing your nose on your pant leg is just REALLY gross. The other 40 people in the room totally saw you do it and now if I ever see you again, I am probably going to laugh right in your face. For god's sake there were tissues RIGHT THERE.

Love, Salt

SwedishChick2011 · December 2009

I would have punched somebody by now. If I ever get pregnant, people better watch out.

Threadjack: Hi, babycakes!

Stackeye210 · December 2009

Oh Grandmas. They really are clueless sometimes. What would anyone's argument be against Xavier? It's a timeless, non trendy (but well known) name.

bbyckes · December 2009

Hi lovely! I saw you poking your head in a couple of threads!

georgia_bride09 · December 2009

Don't you just love family? When it comes to opinions, grandmas are sometimes the worst because they think they know everything. Crazy old broads.

Did I miss you telling us what y'all had chosen for a name? I mean, if you didn't and don't want to, I'm not pressing, I just didn't know if I was missing some info.

My sister, the virgin and person who is obsessed with all things baby, will most likely try to tell me this and that about pregnancy because as a nanny she thinks she is the end all and be all of all things baby and child-related, and I wonder how long it will take me to tell her to go see a d!ck in person first and then get back to me.

RachNRich · December 2009

Awww, lp!! I'm so sorry you had to deal with all this--but, if it makes you feel any better, I got a chuckle out of your open letter!!

SwedishChick2011 · December 2009

Dear Work,

Why do I have to do you? I've done you many times, and you're just not that great.

Love,
Me

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2009

the name's in her ticker

momofayden · December 2009

Your post kicks ass. Love it.

pinkpinot · December 2009

Dear Delicious Food,

Why do you have so many calories? Why can't I stop stuffing my face with every tasty cookie this holiday season has to offer? And now my jeans don't fit. I hate you.

Stackeye210 · December 2009

Dear Mr Stack -

Lil Stack is going to Run.all.over.you if you buy her a toy just because another little girl wouldn't let her play with it. Leaving the play date and immediately taking her to the toy store to get it is only going to cause our daughter to be SPOILED. Not to mention also allowing her to get a tricycle during the same toy store trip because she "looked so cute on it".

All of this 2 days after Christmas. Please note that your daughter played you with her puppy dog brown eyes and I personally find it hilarious and will make fun of you for at least the rest of the week.

Love - Stack

pinkpinot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_open-letters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:137eebed-dae3-41b3-84a3-02ab4109d0e9Post:b4b82214-d665-4d11-8607-39cfb9fe32ef">Re: Open Letters</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear Work, Why do I have to do you? I've done you many times, and you're just not that great. Love, Me
Posted by cocoreo3[/QUOTE]

Dear Cocoreo's job:

She is just not that into you.

Sorry.

-Pinkpinot.

RachNRich · December 2009

Dear Rich,

I understand that your concerned about my health. I also understand that you don't want me to have surgery on Thursday--because it's surgery and will leave a scar. But, last time I checked you have a PhD and not an MD. Asking the doctors to put off the surgery for a week and putting me on trial medications first is not your place. You don't have to deal with this crap, I do. So, please. STFU. Let the doctors do their job. You're getting on my last damned nerve.

Love,
Rach

betrothed123 · December 2009

LP,
That sucks. I'd have been hard pressed not to pop one of them.

I have one:

Dear Boss,

I get that you like to take your yearly end of year 2.5 week vacation. Really, I do. I also get that it's frustrating to you that it has been cut to 1.5 weeks. However, screw you for leaving me here all alone to do 90,000,000 jobs that I have never even heard of, and haven't been trained on right after the guy who did know it all quit. Also, thank you for doing this during the single most important event this company has seen since it's creation.

Also, thank you for notifying the entire company that I'm in charge of payroll this week. I could have handled that if you had also decided to pay everyone for ALL of their hours worked, instead of just paying them for 40. I swear if I get a single angry phone call, or have a confrontation because of this I'm popping you in the face when you get back.

georgia_bride09 · December 2009

Thanks, B! I have siggies turned off since work blocks most pics, but I can see tickers for some reason if I have siggies on.

Xavier Ray kicks ass, so grandma can get over it and get back to knitting him some socks and PJs.

bbyckes · December 2009

Dear TV Holiday programming,

You suck. There is nothing on television right now. Nothing. Oh sure, I could tune into Lifetime and watch Elizabeth Berkley playing a seductress or watch reruns of ANTM or episodes of Snapped. BUT, it's boring, predictable and... (I've seen them before). Hmph. So, get on it and bring some good TV back. Now.

Love,
Me

[Deleted User] · December 2009

Dear house,
Please clean yourself. And do the laundry while you're at it.
Love,
CEW

Night_Sprite · December 2009

Dear Mom,

I love you. I know you want me to look nice and be happy for the wedding. That doesn't mean you're my boss. Let me do it my damn self.

Love,

Night

SwedishChick2011 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_open-letters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:137eebed-dae3-41b3-84a3-02ab4109d0e9Post:9718c538-3f78-42ed-8031-2ea960426eef">Re: Open Letters</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open Letters : Dear Cocoreo's job: She is just not that into you. Sorry. -Pinkpinot.
Posted by pinkpinot[/QUOTE]
I've been trying to think of a way to let it down easy. Thanks for helping me out. :-)

Stackeye210 · December 2009

Betrothed - I think you need to pop your boss in the face regardless just for having to work there this past month.

Pirata13 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_open-letters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:137eebed-dae3-41b3-84a3-02ab4109d0e9Post:2eb42b27-c352-479f-b54a-d0b18db270d4">Re: Open Letters</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear lady at yoga yesterday, I realize that it's cold and flu season and that some of us might be stuffy or coughy or have a runny nose. That's probably why the yoga studio put boxes of tissues like RIGHT THERE for you to use. I also understand that sometimes when you are really focused on a pose you don't want to necessarily come out of it, but blowing your nose on your pant leg is just REALLY gross. The other 40 people in the room totally saw you do it and now if I ever see you again, I am probably going to laugh right in your face. For god's sake there were tissues RIGHT THERE. Love, Salt
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-yell.gif" border="0" alt="Yell" title="Yell" />

salt78 · December 2009

Dear Pirata -

See that scarf I'm wearing in my sig pic. Courtesy of you. I love it and it is my favorite.

Love, Salt

pinkpinot · December 2009

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_open-letters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:137eebed-dae3-41b3-84a3-02ab4109d0e9Post:d44c9341-cf1e-4516-9f04-a798defb5e48">Re: Open Letters</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open Letters : I've been trying to think of a way to let it down easy. Thanks for helping me out. :-)
Posted by cocoreo3[/QUOTE]

Anytime! I caught a "Tough Love" marathon on VH1 over the weekend. I'm pretty much a relationship expert now
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

georgia_bride09 · December 2009

Dear family (mostly sis and dad),

Yes, I've gained some weight the past year. It's not like I haven't noticed. But telling me that I probably need to go on a diet in January/ shouldn't try to conceive at this weight (which I'm not anyway)/ need to lose some weight isn't helpful. In fact, you can all kiss my ass because I'd planned on going back to the gym anyway, and when I'm forty pounds lighter in the spring, you'll still be assholes.

Love,

Georgia and her well-fed belly

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