Texting MOH...

mklanich · December 2010

So I have my sister as my MOH. I love her to death and she's my best friend. She's younger and enjoys her unlimited texting. A little too much. We were at my last fitting and my mother was helping me into my dress and helping check out the bustling and everything. I had to hit my sister's arm for her to even help hold a layer for bustling.

I guess the point is I don't want to be a total bitch to her to get her to do MOH duties but I don't know how to get it into her head that the dumb texting can wait.

bethsmiles · December 2010

Wow. You are being a MAJOR bridezilla. FYI there are not MOH duties. They only thing your sister needs to do is wear a dress and stand next to you on your wedding day, as long as she isn't texting while she is doing that then let it go.

mklanich · December 2010

Ok whatever. I am asking for help on how to try to get her to be helpful. I was hoping she'd be a little more involved than she is has through the whole thing. I don't think that's too bridezilla to ask.

bethsmiles · December 2010

No one will be as excited for your wedding as you are. I'm sure she is happy for you and you should be content with that. From your OP all I get is that you are pissed off that she wan't interested in your dress fitting. What more is it that you want from her?

marissa_claire · December 2010

I kind of think this is a texting problem more than it is a wedding-related problem. Your sis is of a generation that has no guidelines for when it's appropriate to text and when is not appropriate. I have a lot of younger cousins that sit through family Christmas and barely talk to anyone and don't put their phones down all day. If your sis does that on your wedding day, others will be judging her.

OP, you need to look at this situation as it applies to daily life and not as it relates to her "duties." As the PP said, she really only has to stand next to you during the ceremony and sign the marriage license. However, if she's stuck in a corner all night texting at any family event, that will be frowned upon by others. I would concern yourself more with getting her to drop the phone in almost all appropriate situations (going out to dinner, etc.) instead of focusing on getting her to drop the phone just for your wedding.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:8516c505-a377-4ada-8c47-e61e175bd763">Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have my sister as my MOH. I love her to death and she's my best friend. She's younger and enjoys her unlimited texting. A little too much. We were at my last fitting and my mother was helping me into my dress and helping check out the bustling and everything. I had to hit my sister's arm for her to even help hold a layer for bustling. I guess the point is I don't want to be a total bitch to her to get her to do MOH duties but I don't know how to get it into her head that the dumb texting can wait.
Posted by mklanich[/QUOTE]
As long as she's willing to put down the phone for the wedding ceremony itself, she's fulfilled her MOH duties. It's fine to wish that she'd be a little more interested, but you can't force her to be. Some people just don't like or care about weddings, especially at her (presumed) age. There's no way to say "You need to be paying more attention to me" that doesn't come off as horribly self-absorbed.

sister2groom · December 2010

I agree with Marissa. Also, there are no duties for a MOH besides those on the day of. She's not going to be excited as you abou your wedding, if i were you I would just focus on your relationship with her outside of wedding details, because I could see you being frustrated with that.

How old is your sister? My sister's in high school and every time I go to visit my parents I'm so excited to see her because we've pretty much been best friend since I can remember, but she seems to have a similar problem as your sister has.

When I'm not at my parent's house and try to call her, she's too busy or on the phone with one of her little friends so I really look forward to visits. It drives me insane when I'm actually visiting and we're doing something together and she's having four other conversations via text. She makes me feel like a crotchey anti-technology old lady (and I'm barely out of college).

You're not going to be able to change her attitude about your wedding, but you may be able to encourage her to stop texting constantly. At the very least you can take her out for a manicure so you can have some quality sister time.

zitiqueen · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:8bd6842b-19e0-4799-a0b6-28d24843c773">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok whatever. I am asking for help on how to try to get her to be helpful. I was hoping she'd be a little more involved than she is has through the whole thing. I don't think that's too bridezilla to ask.
Posted by mklanich[/QUOTE]

jenneth6 · December 2010

I understand your feelings on the texting thing. My younger is the same way, and it makes my blood BOIL. We went out of state for my grandmother's 90th b-day party and she spent the whole time texting, even though we were with family we hadn't seen in years! At a cousin's rehearsal dinner, his younger sister spent the whole time texting at the table.

Texting makes me want to throw all phones in a fire.

The way I deal with it (as politely as possible) is to smile and say, could you possibly do that at another time? I need your help / I'd like to spend some time with you. Younger people of that generation really don't know when texting is inappropriate, but that particular approach has always worked for me without offending the other person.

sister2groom · December 2010

I have to admit, though, there are definitely times when I've wanted to buy this for myself for Christmas (it's kind of scary how, well, not cheap, but not impossible to buy either):

http://www.thesignaljammer.com/products/Cell-Phone-Blocker-Super-Mini.html

SSaltzman87 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:2d70ce63-d911-4471-92e9-d7616a27b224">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. You are being a MAJOR bridezilla. FYI there are not MOH duties. They only thing your sister needs to do is wear a dress and stand next to you on your wedding day, as long as she isn't texting while she is doing that then let it go.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Ditto. You're making a mountain out of an ant hill on this. Let it go.

MairePoppy · December 2010

The texting is rude, but this is not a battle that you are going to win. You have an interested mom there to help you with your dress. If your sister isn't interested in helping out, ask someone else to help mom with the dress.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:8516c505-a377-4ada-8c47-e61e175bd763">Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have my sister as my MOH. I love her to death and she's my best friend. She's younger and enjoys her unlimited texting. A little too much. We were at my last fitting and my mother was helping me into my dress and helping check out the bustling and everything. I had to hit my sister's arm for her to even help hold a layer for bustling. I guess the point is I don't want to be a total bitch to her to get her to do MOH duties but I don't know how to get it into her head that the dumb texting can wait.
Posted by mklanich[/QUOTE]
What "MOH" duties are you expecting her to drop the cell phone for? I'm sure she'll do it without you needing to ask for the wedding ceremony. Any other time, she's probably saying, "OMG my sis is drvg me crazy!" Hitting her was waaaaay out of line. Quit acting like you're a princess--you're not, and you don't deserve to be treated like one. Sounds like you could both stand to grow up a bit.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:8bd6842b-19e0-4799-a0b6-28d24843c773">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok whatever. I am asking for help on how to try to get her to be helpful. I was hoping she'd be a little more involved than she is has through the whole thing. I don't think that's too bridezilla to ask.
Posted by mklanich[/QUOTE]
It is when you HIT her for not being involved enough. Savvy?

NatandIsaac · December 2010

Well, it would be awesome if your sister would stop texting for 3 seconds. And it would be awesome if you weren't so self-centered that you assaulted your sister over something as stupid as holding the skirt of your wedding dress, but no family is perfect.

lalap69 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:8516c505-a377-4ada-8c47-e61e175bd763">Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess the point is I don't want to be a total bitch to her to get her to do MOH duties but I don't know how to get it into her head that the dumb texting can wait.
Posted by mklanich[/QUOTE]
So don't be a total bitch.

As long as she buys the dress and shows up on the wedding day (and doesn't text through the ceremony), she's completed her duties.

She's not responsible for lifting your bustle or anything. I think you're taking the "maid" part of her title a little too literally.

And I agree with PP - hitting her was way out of line.

lilcassers · December 2010

A MOH is not "supposed to perform duties" they are picked as MOH because you love and cherish them more than anyone!

My MOH lives 10 hours from me and has not helped with anything and you know what? I don't expect her to. I actually enjoyed sharing planning with my fiance and mom. I asked her to be my MOH because she is my best friend, not my servant. I am not even sure why the word "maid" in is wedding party titles..

I'm sure your sister will be more then capable of performing "day of" duties such as holding a ring, lifting your dress up, etc. It's not brain science.

trix1223 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:af1d073d-4dbb-429d-bd5e-67399743d298">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]A MOH is not "supposed to perform duties" they are picked as MOH because you love and cherish them more than anyone! My MOH lives 10 hours from me and has not helped with anything and you know what? I don't expect her to. I actually enjoyed sharing planning with my fiance and mom. I asked her to be my MOH because she is my best friend, not my servant.<strong> I am not even sure why the word "maid" in is wedding party titles..</strong> I'm sure your sister will be more then capable of performing "day of" duties such as holding a ring, lifting your dress up, etc. It's not brain science.
Posted by lilcassers[/QUOTE]

It is not maid as in "servant" but maid as a shortened form of the word maiden. From amusingfacts.com: <font><font face="Arial,Helvetica">The origin of the role of bridesmaid goes back several centuries, when friends of the bride would dress the same as she had, in order to confuse any evil spirits lurking in the vicinity, ready to snatch the bride away from her intended. Over time, the role changed to one of "support" from her friends and family members. </font></font>

Beachy730 · December 2010

Maybe I'm wrong, but I assumed when she said she hit her that she did something like a backhand tap on the arm, not actually punched or smacked her. If that's the case, I don't really think that's bad. I do it to H all the time to get his attention, and even to my students in a "hey, pay attention" type meaning.

Personally, I think people are overreacting. I definitely don't think its bridezilla territory. I agree with Marissaclaire that it's your sister's generation. H and I used to text a lot when we were LDR and it would drive my mom nuts because she didn't understand why we wouldn't just call eachother. Kids are even worse, and the unlimited texting plans are just making it worse. If you really want to help your sister learn when it's appropriate you need to talk to her about all situations, not just wedding related ones.

As for the wedding, I think a PP had a good suggestion when she said to ask "do you think you could do that later please?" Don't say it condescending or rude, just be nice about it. But please don't try and demand her attention whenever you talk about anything wedding related, or expect her to be doing tons of "duties." She has no realy duty other than show up, without her cell phone in hand.

lilcassers · December 2010

thanks for the clarification trix!

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

I'm a teacher, and I know firsthand how much younger people text and at some inappropriate times. Yes, it is annoying. HOWEVER, you were out of line in your behavior to her, esp. when you resolved to HIT her because of it. There are no "MOH duties" except standing up and wearing a dress on your wedding day. If you are out to dinner with her and she is texting during a conversation, I could see politely saying "Could you please put your phone down just while we eat dinner b/c I'd love to talk with you! I haven't seen you in awhile."

But hitting her and acting like a major bridezilla is not the way to go. Focus on building your relationship with your sister outside of wedding duties and go from there. You can't expect her to be as excited about wedding stuff as you are; I'm sure she was texting b /c she was bored. You may not find that appropriate; maybe it's not; but she is your sister and you should not have treated her the way you did.

bethsmiles · December 2010

I agree that people are over reacting about her hitting her sister's arm BUT I also think the OP is way over reacting about the situation. If she were to come back and provide some other example of how her sister's texting has been inappropriate it might be different. But in this case I don't think the texting was rude or inappropriate. It was just a dress fitting, she was probably bored or didn't even want to go in the first place.

Beachy730 · December 2010

I agree that she is overreacting if that is the only occassion. I was just assuming that she meant she texts all the time in general, and was more responding about Marissaclaires comment about texting being a horrible problem for the younger generations.

I fully admit that I'm doing a lot of assuming, and giving the OP the benefit of the doubt on a few different points, but when she says younger sister I just picture like an 18 year old with her head buried in her phone 24/7, so I can completely understand being annoyed by it. If it was only when she was trying on the dress, then yeah it's an overreaction. I wasn't even that interested with my bustle and everything else at my dress fitting.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

Even if it was just a swat (which I agree it probably was), there is no reason for a grown woman to do that to anyone for texting. I saw it as more a mark of OP's immaturity than an actual assault. I'm sure her sister is annoying, but frankly it's kind of boring to watch someone else try on clothes, so I might be tempted to text too. If OP's sister is a teenager, I really don't see it as terribly out-of-character.

bethsmiles · December 2010

I'm assuming that the OP is quite young herself (possibly still a teenager). That is how she sounds in her posts. It seems to me that she is mostly upset because he sister isn't paying attention to her and her wedding. I don't think its about the texting its about her need to be in the spotlight because she is the bride.

Of course I could be wrong, she could be 30 or 40 or any age but she sounds like she is 18 or 19...maybe early 20s

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:0cca6d33-182e-41ae-9505-7ded5b9bef51">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm assuming that the OP is quite young herself (possibly still a teenager). That is how she sounds in her posts. It seems to me that she is mostly upset because he sister isn't paying attention to her and her wedding. I don't think its about the texting its about her need to be in the spotlight because she is the bride. Of course I could be wrong, she could be 30 or 40 or any age but she sounds like she is 18 or 19...maybe early 20s
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
I think you're probably right on all points.

orangecrush32 · December 2010

Texting at a dress fitting isn't a big deal. Hell, my sister (the BRIDE) was texting while trying on dresses. I was definitely sitting there texting and even my mom sent a few texts. It was a two hour event. We were all pretty bored. I mean, the first dress or two was exciting and from then on it was pretty blah. It isn't the end of the world that your sister wasn't sitting there with her eyes on you at all times. As long as she isn't texting at the wedding or wedding related events, it shouldn't be a big deal. She doesn't need to watch everything you do with fascination because, frankly, you aren't that fascinating. Sorry, I don't know you, but I guarantee that it would be boring to watch your every move after a few minutes.

Chill out and remember why you chose her as your MOH, because you love her and want her to be standing up there with you.

mklanich · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:0cca6d33-182e-41ae-9505-7ded5b9bef51">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm assuming that the OP is quite young herself (possibly still a teenager). That is how she sounds in her posts. It seems to me that she is mostly upset because he sister isn't paying attention to her and her wedding. I don't think its about the texting its about her need to be in the spotlight because she is the bride. Of course I could be wrong, she could be 30 or 40 or any age but she sounds like she is 18 or 19...maybe early 20s
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

Yes I'm 19. I'll be 20 shortly after my wedding. But I'm not just another stupid little teenager, I'm pretty mature for my age. My sister is 17. And the reason I posted this was just to get insight into how I could possibly get her to lay off the cell phone for 5 minutes in a silly fitting and to maybe see if I'm not the only one dealing with something like this. I never get the spotlight, so yes, I am trying to enjoy it on the days that I even get it.

NatandIsaac · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:68f0a22b-829f-4d46-abba-670befd6b871">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Texting MOH... : Yes I'm 19. I'll be 20 shortly after my wedding.<strong> But I'm not just another stupid little teenager, I'm pretty mature for my age.</strong> My sister is 17. And the reason I posted this was just to get insight into how I could possibly get her to lay off the cell phone for 5 minutes in a silly fitting and to maybe see if I'm not the only one dealing with something like this. I never get the spotlight, so yes, I am trying to enjoy it on the days that I even get it.
Posted by mklanich[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, gotcha. No big deal then.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Also, you apparently only "lightly" punched your sister. Further evidence of your maturity.</div>

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:68f0a22b-829f-4d46-abba-670befd6b871">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Texting MOH... : Yes I'm 19. I'll be 20 shortly after my wedding. But I'm not just another stupid little teenager, I'm pretty mature for my age. My sister is 17. And the reason I posted this was just to get insight into how I could possibly get her to lay off the cell phone for 5 minutes in a silly fitting and to maybe see if I'm not the only one dealing with something like this. I never get the spotlight, so yes, I am trying to enjoy it on the days that I even get it.
Posted by mklanich[/QUOTE]
Taking this point by point:<div>
</div><div><strong>"I'm not just another stupid little teenager." </strong> </div><div>
</div><div>I won't say you're stupid, but you're still a teenager, and in my book that makes you too young to get married. I can't imagine why anyone would want to get married so young--your life is just beginning! Go have fun, then settle down. If your FI is the right guy you'll still want to marry each other in three years.</div><div>
</div><div><strong>"I'm pretty mature for my age." </strong> </div><div>
</div><div>One, if you have to say it, it isn't true. </div><div>
</div><div>Two, you completely undermine that by slapping your sister for not paying attention to you and complaining that you're not getting enough attention at every stage of the game.</div><div>
</div><div><strong>"to maybe see if I'm not the only one dealing with something like this."</strong> </div><div>
</div><div>No, because not everyone craves the spotlight to this degree and, frankly, it something you outgrow. You're still a teenager--you'll understand in 5 years.</div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong>"I never get the spotlight, so yes, I am trying to enjoy it on the days that I even get it." </strong> </div><div>
</div><div>One, this isn't what a wedding is about: it's about getting married. </div><div>
</div><div>Two, you get ONE day to be in the spotlight. </div><div>
</div><div>Three, this isn't a way to make up for all the times someone else got attention.</div>

mklanich · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_texting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5da53527-baed-4e65-a064-da1efe84fd0bPost:c7f8463b-e632-472f-aa60-b290a83f39cc">Re: Texting MOH...</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm wrong, but I assumed when she said she hit her that she did something like a backhand tap on the arm, not actually punched or smacked her. If that's the case, I don't really think that's bad. I do it to H all the time to get his attention, and even to my students in a "hey, pay attention" type meaning. Personally, I think people are overreacting. I definitely don't think its bridezilla territory. I agree with Marissaclaire that it's your sister's generation.
If you really want to help your sister learn when it's appropriate you need to talk to her about all situations, not just wedding related ones. As for the wedding, I think a PP had a good suggestion when she said to ask "do you think you could do that later please?" Don't say it condescending or rude, just be nice about it.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Thank you. No I didn't make a knock out blow to my sister. I say hit as in the light punch of how you said "hey, pay attention" type punch. Wow everyone else, I said I loved my sister, I'm not gonna beat her up.
I guess duties was probably the wrong word. I just felt like she was standing right there and even when my mom said the texting could wait, my sister continued.

Thank you to a few of you who gave me some insight and advice of what to say to get her to at least put down the cell phone for a short moment, whether it be the wedding or when I'm trying to just hang out with her.

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