Is this normal?

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:e545d22c-3092-41cb-8e27-3eaf6f1e5bb1">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : If you re-read what I wrote. You will clearly see that I said to think someone is hot is okay. But to have the "hots" for someone is not okay. To have the "hots" for someone infers a feeling. It describes how you feel when your with/around a person.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]
again i see it as nit picky. hot hots whatever. really the two words arent thaaaat different.

crash2729 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:562cdf34-1b6e-44d4-b222-376335d77993">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : again i see it as nit picky. hot hots whatever. really the two words arent thaaaat different.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>It's the meaning behind the words and the context in which the words are used. Not the words themselves. </div><div>
</div><div>Example: Brad is hot. VS. I have the hots for Brad. </div><div>
</div><div>Those two sentences do not have the same meaning,</div>

NOLAbridealmost · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:41bf1e1f-ad5d-46c0-854a-b993acb4f55a">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : It's the meaning behind the words and the context in which the words are used. Not the words themselves. Example: Brad is hot. VS. I have the hots for Brad. Those two sentences do not have the same meaning,
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah. That. </div><div>
</div><div>"Jake is hot" = perfectly acceptable observation about Jake being sexy. Most secure guys wouldn't care if their wife/gf/fiance said "Jake is hot"</div><div>
</div><div>"I have the hots for Jake" (not in jest) = "I still have major sexual and potentially emotional attraction to Jake," which is never okay in a relationship. </div>

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

i still stand by my comment of bad choice of words. you can say the same thing and it mean something different to other people depending on the order. i really think its too quick to judge someone based on a couple words that arent in the quote unquote correct order.

RaptorSLH · December 2011

[QUOTE]it really bugs me as well when people say flat out youre not ready to get married when they only know a tiny sliver of info. that speaks volumes to me about how some people view marriage. [/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, yes it does. It says they think it's an important commitment and every reasonable step ought to be taken to be certain you're making the right decision.</div><div>
</div><div>That said, if OP comes back and says that she didn't mean it the way it sounded, well, it's the internet and these things happen.</div><div>
</div><div>As written? I have fond memories of the first guy I ever kissed, but I would never consider trading him for the wonderful man I'm engaged to. If he showed up on my doorstep wearing nothing but a big Christmas bow, and carrying a note from my FI that said "Have a good time," (thank you Bill Engvall) I'd still say no. I'd want him to put some clothes on so we could catch up, but I wouldn't even be tempted. Would you be? If this old flame came back, if you could be with him again, if fate offered him to you on a silver platter, would you want him? If the answer is "yes," PPs are right, you're not ready to get married. If the answer is "no, I'd want to keep the one I have," then you're probably safe with a nostalgic sigh for what might have been.</div>

rebarobert2012 · December 2011

At the very least, I think that it would be a good idea to get some counseling before you get married. It doesn't mean that you are weak or that there is anything wrong with you. Getting married is a big decision, and if you aren't 100% ready, then that is something you should find out.

crash2729 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:b2ae32c5-fdb6-471f-b949-45f326d56ac8">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]i still stand by my comment of bad choice of words. you can say the same thing and it mean something different to other people depending on the order. i really think its too quick to judge someone based on a couple words that arent in the<strong> quote unquote</strong> correct order.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>You can use quotes rather than saying quote unquote. </div><div>
</div><div>I don't think its words that aren't in the correct order. OP said she had the "hots" for him. That's pretty clear IMO.</div>

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:cd629f5d-b1f8-4bb2-92ef-35ebc3762a2b">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : You can use quotes rather than saying quote unquote. I don't think its words that aren't in the correct order. OP said she had the "hots" for him. That's pretty clear IMO.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm late to the party, but I'm with crash on this one - thinking someone is hot has a completely different meaning from having "the hots" for someone. "Hey, he's hot" = objective observation about an individual's level of attractiveness. "Hey, I have the hots for him" = if the opportunity arose I would jump his bones.<em> </em>The first one's completely acceptable within a secure relationship, the second one is not. OP, if she comes back, is free to clarify that she meant the first and not the second version of this, but given the context of the rest of the post, I think she most definitely meant the second version.</div>

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:cd629f5d-b1f8-4bb2-92ef-35ebc3762a2b">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : <strong>You can use quotes rather than saying quote unquote.</strong> I don't think its words that aren't in the correct order. OP said she had the "hots" for him. That's pretty clear IMO.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

Yes, I know. If you noticed in my posts from last night I had barely any punctuation. I think all I was able to use was periods and question marks. I was using my phone and it wouldn't let me even use numbers. Anyway, I see what you're saying and I agree to a point. It just rubbed me the wrong way when I saw how many people yelled FIRE when it really could be nothing.

kalpi108 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:a8a6aba2-a6e3-4cc6-835d-96db5b13fa05">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : Yes, I know. If you noticed in my posts from last night I had barely any punctuation. I think all I was able to use was periods and question marks. I was using my phone and it wouldn't let me even use numbers. Anyway, I see what you're saying and I agree to a point. It just rubbed me the wrong way when I saw how many people yelled FIRE when it really could be nothing.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>I stand by my opinion that if it was truly nothing, she wouldn't have come to an internet forum of strangers she never talks to asking about if her feelings for him and thoughts about him are unhealthy. If it's reached that point, then yes, she needs to do some serious thinking before getting married. The fact that she even calls it "feelings for him" is the big deal here. Attraction is one thing, <em>feelings</em> for someone are another. </div><div>
</div><div>You also love calling out the trend of posting on this board, ILoveToRobot. Like when you were being annoying on The Nest, excitedly pointing out that some of us found it creepy to think of how many lurkers could be reading our conversations on the chat threads but that sometimes people tell new posters "you should lurk more before posting". I just picture you with a magnifying glass and a detective's hat trying to catch E posters being hypocrites. I said it then and I'll say it now, relax.</div>

meg65 · December 2011

I think we should debate the merits of using the phrase "I have the hots for.." to describe an attraction.

I myself love it, and will be texting FI immediately to tell him I have the hots for him.

lenergyrlah · December 2011

Sometimes I think about my ex's and wonder what they're up to, etc. I think that's normal. But what you're describing sounds a lot like me and my most recent ex. He and I were planning to get married, but I couldn't stop wondering whether he was the right guy for me. I kept getting crushes on other people. Finally I decided that I didn't want to get married until I was SURE he was "the one," and if it was meant to be we would get back together somehow.

Then I met FI and the rest is history

I haven't had any second thoughts with him so I'm sure he's "the one".

celticmyss · December 2011

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I was in a serious, live-in relationship when my old high school flame popped back in my life (via FB of course). We caught up and reminisced. This eventually turned to flirting and a lot of "what if" conversations about the things that could happen if we lived closer.

In the end it was a major reason why I left my relationship. Not because I wanted to be with old bf. Instead it just made me realize how little I was committed to the relationship that I was in then. I also knew that in my case part of the reason I was so susceptible to ex's advances was because I was so miserable and unappreciated in my then relationship. I stopped talking to the ex soon after because I realized that, just like in high school, he was kind of a ass.

I know that if that ex had popped up at this point in my life instead of a few years ago all he would of got from me was a hey how are ya. Any flirting would have been shot down immediately.

I actually do have 2 former boyfriends that I keep in touch with, one of whom I consider a close friend and have invited to the wedding. Never for a single second do I think about them romantically.

So short version - no I don't think what you are describing is normal or necessarily healthy for your current relationship at all.

crash2729 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:a8a6aba2-a6e3-4cc6-835d-96db5b13fa05">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : Yes, I know<strong>. If you noticed in my posts from last night I had barely any punctuation</strong>. I think all I was able to use was periods and question marks. I was using my phone and it wouldn't let me even use numbers. Anyway, I see what you're saying and I agree to a point. It just rubbed me the wrong way when I saw how many people yelled FIRE when it really could be nothing.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>Didn't notice. I was just a wee bit annoyed by the quote unquote thing.

I just figured you were typing how you speak. NBD.</div>

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:7ff4c664-d611-4df9-946a-e341b25add58">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : I stand by my opinion that if it was truly nothing, she wouldn't have come to an internet forum of strangers she never talks to asking about if her feelings for him and thoughts about him are unhealthy. If it's reached that point, then yes, she needs to do some serious thinking before getting married. The fact that she even calls it "feelings for him" is the big deal here. Attraction is one thing, feelings for someone are another. <strong>You also love calling out the trend of posting on this board, ILoveToRobot. Like when you were being annoying on The Nest</strong>, excitedly pointing out that some of us found it creepy to think of how many lurkers could be reading our conversations on the chat threads but that sometimes people tell new posters "you should lurk more before posting". I just picture you with a magnifying glass and a detective's hat trying to catch E posters being hypocrites. I said it then and I'll say it now, relax.
Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

How is it that I love calling out a trend when I did it once on The Nest and it was only one post? If you think I was calling out a trend in this thread then you may need to relax and put your magnifying glass down. All I did was voice my opinion and it was different.

Making a mountain out of a molehill.

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:65f6c68b-f2d8-48c0-898d-754b5669f5b3">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : <strong>Didn't notice. I was just a wee bit annoyed by the quote unquote thing. I just figured you were typing how you speak. NBD.
</strong>Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

I figured sooner or later someone would say something because it probably looked really weird. I'd think the same thing.

eorea · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:562cdf34-1b6e-44d4-b222-376335d77993">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : again i see it as nit picky. hot hots whatever. really the two words arent thaaaat different.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

<div>Well whatever, it really doesn't matter if they are different or not. OP is obviously still imaging being with an ex. She cares for him more than she should. The wording isn't important here. If you think about an ex enough that you have to ask if it is normal, then you are thinking about him too much. It is not normal. </div><div>
</div><div>And that is a lot different than thinking someone is hot. </div>

kalpi108 · December 2011

I'm pretty sure you said people jump to harsh conclusions based on only a sliver of info as though people are just vultures eager to tell OP not to get married no matter what. I don't see it that way. But it's fine, whatever.

MyUserName1 · December 2011

If you are thinking about your ex often enough to post on a board of strangers asking if you are thinking about him too much, then you clearly are.

And thus are not ready to get married until you work that shiit out.

I stand by my statement as well.

I don't think I need more information than that.

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

[QUOTE]You also love<strong> calling out the trend of posting on this board</strong>. posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:6e12ecbe-e87d-44e1-ba59-24105ccb0932">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm pretty sure you said people jump to harsh conclusions based on only a sliver of info <strong>as though people are just vultures</strong> eager to tell OP not to get married no matter what. I don't see it that way. But it's fine, whatever.
Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE] exactly. you only know as much as they divulge and thats why <strong>i dont like when people jump to such harsh conclusions</strong>as the op isnt ready. posted by ILoveToRobot [/QUOTE]

All I did was state my opinion. My opinion was that I felt differently than the other posters and that yes I thought some of them were harsh. BIG DEAL. Maybe you felt personally attacked because you felt like a vulture yourself? I don't know but I sure didn't intend to imply that anyone was a vulture. Calling out a trend and having an opposing opinion are two different things. You can disagree with me all day long if that's your prerogative but don't tell me I'm intentionally trying to make hypocrites out of everyone and that I spend my time trying to find reasons to call people out.

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:eb18e337-d9dd-4fe3-82a0-21f4952cd575">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this normal? : You're not doing so hot today.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

Apparently I forgot my rose colored glasses at home.

kalpi108 · December 2011

Not worth arguing with you. I didn't feel personally attacked. I don't think of myself as a vulture. Thanks for your opinion, though.

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:3917256b-c51d-4824-8e19-cd00ef012f9a">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not worth arguing with you. I didn't feel personally attacked. I don't think of myself as a vulture. Thanks for your opinion, though.
Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

It's not my intention to argue with you and I don't think you're a vulture. I perceived your comments to be stretching to flame and I was annoyed with your judgement of me so I felt that I needed to defend myself. But to each their own. If it makes you happy then yes I am sitting here with my magnifying glass so WATCH OUT!

kalpi108 · December 2011

Ha, no doesn't make me happy. Sorry to make you feel the need to defend yourself. I'll start fresh and look at you sans magnifying glass when you post.

redheadfsu · December 2011

OP- If you have "the hots for" I assume that means ...not just wow he was a good f*ck and have random daydreams about the romps, but wow I really miss him maybe I should call him.

If you miss an ex, you are not ready to get married.

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-normal-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9cc47104-1ee2-4703-a789-90d86bbf4335Post:e98200e9-20f1-455b-b07c-7593ae5ee0df">Re: Is this normal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ha, no doesn't make me happy. Sorry to make you feel the need to defend yourself. I'll start fresh and look at you sans magnifying glass when you post.
Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

No worries. Those things happen. Glad we can start over.

emilye1227 · December 2011

OP, I'm also 23. I was in a long term serious relationship before meeting my FI. I am in a place now where I can look back at the past and smile. I feel nothing towards my ex anymore, not anger, not hate, and certainly not love. I have a FI that I love dearly and we are planning our future together. I feel that until you can look back and simply be grateful for every person that you've met along the way, you're not in a healthy spot to get married. I look back and see people that have helped me, hurt me, and ultimately made me into the person that I am today. If I feel anything for my ex, its thankful. I am thankful that he made me into the FI that I am today. I know I am a better friend, a better FI and I will be a better wife because of him. Loving, and leaving him, showed me what I wanted in a relationship, what I could do without and I what I would never settle for.

Is this normal?

Re: Is this normal?

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