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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Needing advice on very sensitive issues...LONG, sorry!
I don't know if this is the right place to ask this but I'm needing some advice about inviting family members to the wedding who may not be upstanding citizens. More specifically, I have an uncle on my Dad's side who was charged (but not yet convicted) with a very serious crime. He's been in trouble with the law before so this doesn't come as a huge surprise, but this particular charge is NOT good...at all. I'm not sure where things are at as far as court proceedings, etc. so maybe he'll be in jail by the time my wedding rolls around next year and I won't have to worry about it. My dad isn't close to him and neither am I, but he's always been invited to, and attended, most of my cousin's weddings. My grandmother, whom I'm VERY close to, just kind of ignores everything and she's always stood right by him as her son. I think she'd be hurt if I didn't invite him...ugh. And I know as everyone keeps telling me, "You can invite whomever you want," but I don't want to upset my grandmother by not inviting him either.
Then, on the same side of the family...I have a much younger cousin whom I don't see very often but he is the son of my most favorite Aunt. When I became his "friend" on Facebook I noticed his new tattoo (a confederate flag) along with some "white power" references. This goes totally against what my FI and I believe and my first gut reaction was that this guy is NOT coming to our wedding. But then I felt like why should I exclude him just because his beliefs, however disgusting to me, are different from my own? And, like I mentioned, he's the son of my favorite Aunt. Now, I don't know her feelings about his beliefs since I just learned this. But I know she'd be hurt if I didn't invite him (but did invite his twin brother). I don't think other people would be upset by him being there (because they wouldn't know his beliefs unless he decided to make them known). I know I can't assume he'd bring trouble, but it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to think of having him (and my uncle) there. Is this reason enough not to invite them? What would you do?
TIA to anyone who takes the time to give some words of advice!
Then, on the same side of the family...I have a much younger cousin whom I don't see very often but he is the son of my most favorite Aunt. When I became his "friend" on Facebook I noticed his new tattoo (a confederate flag) along with some "white power" references. This goes totally against what my FI and I believe and my first gut reaction was that this guy is NOT coming to our wedding. But then I felt like why should I exclude him just because his beliefs, however disgusting to me, are different from my own? And, like I mentioned, he's the son of my favorite Aunt. Now, I don't know her feelings about his beliefs since I just learned this. But I know she'd be hurt if I didn't invite him (but did invite his twin brother). I don't think other people would be upset by him being there (because they wouldn't know his beliefs unless he decided to make them known). I know I can't assume he'd bring trouble, but it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to think of having him (and my uncle) there. Is this reason enough not to invite them? What would you do?
TIA to anyone who takes the time to give some words of advice!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Needing advice on very sensitive issues...LONG, sorry!
As far as the uncle, well it depends on what he's in trouble for. If it's child molestation or something where you think he could be a threat to your guests or kids at your wedding, then obviously don't invite him. I think you have to use your best judgement there and if you decide not to invite him, you're just going to have to be an adult and explain to your grandma why you've made your decision. It will be hard, but sometimes life is hard.
I would invite the cousin.
While it's true that it's your wedding and you can invite whoever you want, you also need to remember that when it comes to family, what you decide will not only affect your relationship with the individual, but with other members of your family as well. There can be long term repurcussions if someone feels slighted, and you have to deal with most of these people for a long time to come.
You're probably going to spend less than 3 minutes interacting with this guy on the day of your wedding.
[QUOTE]You're probably going to spend less than 3 minutes interacting with this guy on the day of your wedding.
Posted by nhelene[/QUOTE]
Yep that is very true. And if you've known this cousin and his Mom is your favorite Aunt all along, and never knew the white power stuff until FB, odds are it won't be an issue at your wedding either.
I'm not sure *I* would let those particular reasons cause me to not invite relatives that would be missed by others in the family/offended if they weren't invited, though. Yes, your cousin's personal beliefs sound like they would be controversial. However, what are the odds he'd really pick your wedding as the time to announce those beliefs to what I assume would be a large number of total strangers? If I started basing my guest list on pesonal beliefs that I disagree with, we'd have a very small wedding indeed.
As for your Uncle...that one's a bit touchier. If it's a high profile case in your area, you may find whispers and questions running around. If not, no one will even know if it's not announced. I suppose this is where I'm much more lax than most, but even if it were murder...I still think the odds are low that he'd pull round two at your wedding. Child molestation being the one exception, though. As stated previously, he has no need to be around children if that could be a true charge.
In the end, go with what makes YOU the most comfortable. You don't "owe" anyone an invitation.
Good luck!
Your bio says your wedding is in May of next year. You've got until March to sort all these issues out. I wouldn't stress TOO much before New Year's about this stuff.
As for what I'd do - I probably wouldn't invite the uncle UNLESS it's just a white collar crime (fraud, embezzlement, etc.). If it's anything dangerous that involved hurting another person or a weapon, I wouldn't.
The cousin - since it sounds like you wouldn't have known anything about those opinions he has had you not added him on FB, I'd go on and send the invite, unless something changes with him before March.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
As for the cousin, it doesn't sound like he goes around spouting off racist beliefs - you found out about them on his facebook page. As long as he keeps them to himself, you'll be fine. Do you think this is what he will do? I have an uncle whose inability to do this forced me to exclude all extended family from my wedding. I wasn't going to spend my wedding day worrying about what he was saying within FI's multi-ethnic family's earshot.
AKA GoodLuckBear14
As for the cousin, if it were me I'd send him an invitation. Just b/c an invitation is sent doesn't mean he'll RSVP w/ a yes...he could choose not to come and you've been worrying for nothing. If he does come hopefully he has enough sense not to create any drama w/ overly expressing his beliefs. Just b/c you and your FI don't agree w/ his beliefs doesn't make him a bad person. Who knows, maybe him and some family or friends don't share in all of your beiefs either, but thats what makes everyone their own person, and I'm sure they'll still include you in life events. Just food for thought.
You've got plenty of time as PP said to figure out guest lists...don't stress yourself out yet about things that could change by the time decisions have to be made. Figure out things as you go along instead of the whole picture at once...that helped me maintain my sanity lol!
I'm embarrassed about my uncle's arrest, to be honest. I don't want to post about it here because people from the area would have seen it in the news. It's bad and, no, it's not a white collar crime. I've decided for now that I will not invite him. His siblings seem split - some will stand by him and others will continue to detest him. Family will be thinking about it if he's there, and there could even be some confrontations.
As far as my cousin goes...true, I did learn about it only by Facebook. But again, this is a cousin I see only every couple of years. I don't know if he's the type to express anything outwardly. I have seen him drunk and beligerent before, though, so that makes me a bit uneasy. At this point I think I will extend him an invite, and hope for the best.
As for the cousin, I doubt he is going to use your wedding to express his "white power" thoughts to everyone. If you're worried about his drinking, maybe ask another family member to keep an eye on how much he consumes. And who knows, since you're not super close, he may not even come either!
Hope it all works out for the best for you!
As for the uncle, that's a tricky one. If the crime that he committed was a violent crime or a crime against a person (assault, rape, etc. etc.), I wouldn't invite him. If it was something like petty theft, that feels different to me.
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Since you don't want to tell us exactly what this crime was that the uncle was arrested for, we are all in the dark. Knowing what the crime actually was may change opinions. If you view the crime as a really bad thing, don't invite him.
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My Uncle's first marriage was very rocky - there were 3 children born and only 1 of them was his. So when she split, he was left alone with an autistic son. Years later he get's married to a woman quite a bit older than him and a complete controlling bitch to boot - we all know she's just with him so she won't have to work to take care of herself and the grandkids her children won't look after. We all KNOW that she abuses my autistic cousin. Mainly mental - we think it's because she's from a different generation than my uncle and refuses to understand that because of his autism, he can not act like a normal boy. Unfortunately it's never been proven that he is abused by her, so there isn't anything we can do - the only good part is that he is now living in a home far away from her. This woman has completely taken my uncle away from his family. Since he's been married to her, the only "family event" he's attended was a funeral. I refuse to be anywhere near that vile woman and he will not come without her - so their whole family is not getting an invitation.
I wouldn't invite the uncle unless you know without a doubt that he is innocent. As is the case with my uncle's wife, someone found innocent (or guilty) isn't always. By sending him an invitation you are showing your support for him - so keep that in mind whichever way you choose to go.
As for the cousin, I would talk to the Aunt. Say something like "I was very surprised by what I saw on his facebook page! How long has he held those beliefs?" Then, if the two of you are close enough, ask her honest opinion of the situation. "My FI and I hold very different beliefs, as do our friends. Do you think that this will be a problem?". Of course, I would only advise this if you know that your Aunt is the kind of person that can have this conversation.
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As far as the cousin, I think if you would have invited him without ever seeing this information (and it sounds like you would, as you've invited his brother) then you should invite him. He will not be a reflection on you by any means, and likely will behave himself at the wedding. If he gets drunk and belligerent, he should be escorted out of the party. Perhaps nominate a friend or family member who is big enough and responsible enough to act as bouncer should anything come up at the wedding, with the cousin or another guest.