Opinion on living together...
Hey ladies!
I mostly just lurk here, but this has been on my mind lately after a discussion at work. I just recently started a new job, and people will notice my ring and ask me questions about the wedding/FI and all. A girl asked if we lived together, and I said no. Another girl jumped into the conversation with "Oh no, you HAVE to live together before getting married!" She quickly apologized for jumping into the conversation, but ended with "But really... you should never get married before living together."
My FI is in the military, so right now it isn't even feasible to live together, but what do you guys think? Is a marriage doomed from the start if you haven't lived together? I know this can be a touchy subject so I don't mean to be stirring up controversy! This has really just been on my mind lately.
Re: Opinion on living together...
I don't see why you'd have to anyways. That idea is uber-new, for most of human history couples marrying absolutely were not allowed to live together before marrying. So in other words, this coworker is just a tad off her rocker IMO
Short version: I know very few couples who DID NOT live together before marrying, and they are all STILL MARRIED. I know many couples who DID LIVE together before marrying, and most of them are divorced.
I'm a firm believer in test-driving the car before buying it.
Of course there's no hard & fast rule! You do what works for you, and obviously deployment is not going to permit you to choose, so you start where you are. I agree w/ the poster that mentioned being very open about finances in particular prior to the wedding- how do you spend, how do you save, what kind of debt is okay or not okay (mortgage? car? credit card? Most people have no problems with a mortgage but some people won't buy a car on credit, for example.), what are your goals, etc. That can be a very big ugly surprise (and is harder to hide if people live together, tho not impossible) if your views and situations are very different.
The rest of the stuff- how you each define what "clean" means, his horror at truly understanding how many pairs of shoes you own (not that I have any personal experience with that one), his inexplicable habit of leaving the tv on at full volume and then leaving the room entirely (again, what personal experience?), etc.- that can be dealt with. You may feel very stabby for half a year or so, when you repeatedly find underwear on the bathroom floor, one foot from the laundry basket. But that can be deallt with. Just know it will probably happen.
[QUOTE]If you can live together beforehand, I think you should. I'm not saying a marriage can't last without living together first (Obviously, it totally can) ... but at the same time after you're married is not the time to find out that the way he clips his toenails makes you want to shank an infant or something. I'm a firm believer in test-driving the car before buying it.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]
<div>This. </div><div>
</div><div>You certainly aren't going to be doomed if you don't live together first, but the way you live day to day is pretty important to compatability. Yes, everyone will have to adjust some, but I'm glad we adjusted and got it out of the way before we got married. I feel like I had a more complete understanding of the person I married and what I was signing up for when I said "I do" because I had already lived with him for years. </div><div>
</div><div>On the flip, my parents didn't live together before they were married. They love each other, but they are very different, and drive each other nuts. My mother has often said that if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn't have married him. </div>
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My sister did not live with her husband before hand and didn't realize he just leaves trails of messes in his wake. I think that irritated her a lot in the beginning of their marriage. Nowadays not so much.
Personally, living together first was important to me because I'd seen several examples first hand of how relationships change when that factor is put into play. I've lived with roommates who were great friends, but our living styles were so different that it practically ruined our friendship. Obviously, living with a SO is much different than with just a friend (you can put up with a lot more, and a lot less at the same time), but the same principle applies that you don't truly know how you'll handle living together until you are. Don't get me wrong though, SO's are much more likely to try to change and compromise than just roommates, probably more so after you are married, but in general, that can be a lot of stress to tackle in the already 'tough' first year of marriage, which is why many people prefer to do it before.
Basically, I don't think living together is the single factor that imparts success or failure on a marriage. So no, you are not doomed if you don't live together first, but I do think it would be beneficial to begin discussing how you'll live together now (ie, splitting expenses, housework, etc) so that the transition will be much easier when you do live together.
As silly as it sounds, our biggest fights are over housework, dirty dishes and laundry - not money, sex or family. But dirty socks on the floor and not emptying the garbage can become bigger problems if you don't nip it in the butt.
That being said, it's a very personal deicision that is based a lot of factors and it's not right for everyone. OP- it's very very unlikely that your marriage would be doomed b/c you didn't live together. It was rude of your coworker to be so aggressive with her opinions.
[QUOTE]it's my personal opinion that a couple should live together before getting married. I learned a LOT about FI in the first few months that we lived together and some minor issues had to be resolved. As silly as it sounds, our biggest fights are over housework, dirty dishes and laundry - not money, sex or family. But dirty socks on the floor and not emptying the garbage can become bigger problems if you don't nip it in the butt. That being said, it's a very personal deicision that is based a lot of factors and it's not right for everyone. OP- it's very very unlikely that your marriage would be doomed b/c you didn't live together. It was rude of your coworker to be so aggressive with her opinions.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]
Well said, Achiduck.
I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this question, a lot of it has to do with personal beliefs. My FI and I have lived together for 3 years and there is definitely an adjustment period to go through as far as sharing your personal space with someone and splitting up chores and such. I really don't know how things would be if we didn't live together first, but I know it was definitely the right move for me, even though some members of my extended family don't approve.
On that note, I have several members of my extended family that definitely never lived together before marriage and are doing just fine. My oldest cousin has been married for 19 years this summer and her and her H didn't live together before they got married, and they are happily married. Some of my other cousins didn't live with their SO before marriage (actually, they didn't even hug or kiss their SO before marriage, but that's another story) and are happily married, although they have admitted to me that jumping into living together, marriage, kissing and sex is a lot to take in all at once (in their church, they firmly believe your first kiss should be a married kiss and they firmly follow that rule).
There's no right answer and nobody should be preaching to you about their personal views of how you should live your life.
Ever hear the phrase "the first year is the hardest"? I think that became popular when people didn't live together first....and the first year was not only a merge of finances and legality, but of their household.
I really like the "test drive a car before buying it" analogy. I am a firm believer in living together first, but I don't think its a guarantee that your marriage will work anymore than not living together is a guarantee it won't. Its all based on the two of you and more so how you handle conflicts. FI and I have lived together for 5 1/2 years, we rented a couple apartments and now own a home. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know EXACTLY what I'm getting into.
PS - the bathroom thing? Why are people so weird about it? We never close doors in our house.
Edit: Had to add this on. While I don't think living together is a must. I do think living on your own, and being able to support yourself is. So if you're going right from being supported financially by your parents, to getting married, I'd see red flags.
I just don't think you can really really know what you are getting yourself into without living together. The drug-store advice of "You need to make sure you talk about money, sex, family, household stuff, blah blah blah before you get married..." just doesn't do it justice in my book. Of course when you just TALK about things it's easy to meet in the middle and have all your problems solved on paper, but what you expect from those conversations vs. what it's really like living together are two entirely different things. KWIM?
In our 2 1/2 years of living together, FI and I are lucky enough to have never fought about money or sex. We've been able to commingle our finances without any squabbles. But our big make-or-break moment, surprisingly, was dealing with his family, which came out of left field. It came out of left field because BEFORE we lived together, in our conversations he lead me to believe "Oh yeah, my mom is great..." and it turns out she's a crazy cakes. It's not that FI lied to me, it's just that things CHANGE when you live with someone and you cannot always predict those changes. I was happy to have learned about this issue before we even got engaged so that it was dealt with accordingly, and further, I know what I'm signing up for when I get married.
[QUOTE]Most of the PPs have excellent advice. Ever hear the phrase "the first year is the hardest"? I think that became popular when people didn't live together first....and the first year was not only a merge of finances and legality, but of their household. I really like the "test drive a car before buying it" analogy. I am a firm believer in living together first, but I don't think its a guarantee that your marriage will work anymore than not living together is a guarantee it won't. Its all based on the two of you and more so how you handle conflicts. FI and I have lived together for 5 1/2 years, we rented a couple apartments and now own a home. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know EXACTLY what I'm getting into. <strong>PS - the bathroom thing? Why are people so weird about it? </strong>We never close doors in our house. Edit: Had to add this on. While I don't think living together is a must. I do think living on your own, and being able to support yourself is. So if you're going right from being supported financially by your parents, to getting married, I'd see red flags.
Posted by MiksChick23[/QUOTE]
I Ccompletely agree. My FI is constantly barging into the bathroom while I'm in the shower and vice versa. After all, we only have one! We also rarely close doors. ever.
That being said, I think it's important to be realistic and really know that you want to live with the person. I've heard of way too many people rushing into living together and ending up breaking up. Then they end up still having to live together because they both have a lease, and there is the issue of splitting anything you may have bought together. Like, I don't know what we'd do with our cats. Technically I bought them, but I consider them ours. I would never want to give them up, and I know he wouldn't want to either. As sucky as it sounds, you have to be prepared for things to go wrong. When you're married it's different because things get split for you if you can't come to an agreement.
So if you're going to move in with a BF/GF/FI, make sure you're ready to compromise, communicate and be realistic. If not, at least take note of what you notice at their place. Are you a neat freak and his place is always messy? As lame as it probably sounds, it's a good idea to talk about expectations - who does what chore? Are you going to have a "cleaning" day? What's your definition of clean? I've had roommates before that this was a huge issue. So it's a good thing to sit down and talk about before moving in together, whenever that is!
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : Good for you, but why does being different from you make someone else weird? I like my privacy, especially <strong>when I'm excreting waste</strong>. Marrying DH does not mean I need him to hold my hand while I take a dump (or while I'm having severe period cramps, whatever). I don't need him to be present with me at all times so I close the door while I'm in the bathroom.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
I think I scared the neighbors with how hard I was laughing at that. Well said.
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[QUOTE] PS - the bathroom thing? Why are people so weird about it? We never close doors in our house.
Posted by MiksChick23[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Some people just like their privacy. We close doors in our house. To each their own.
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I am living with my FI now because we wanted to make sure the new "family" unit was going to work before actually getting married - he has two children. We weren't engaged yet, but the decision to get married had already been made (so I guess we were engaged, technically, just no ring yet) and we got engaged shortly after I moved in. In other words, we had already made the commitment, which meant it wasn't really a "let's try this and see if it works" as much as a "we're pretty sure this is going to work, so let's get everyone used to this before we add the adjustment of actually being married." I get that for some people there is no real change, but to me there is and I only wanted to deal with one adjustment at a time.
The only wrong answer is the one that makes you and your FI feel uncomfortable. If you feel like you're better of living together first, then do it. If you don't feel the need to or have objections to living together before you're married then don't do it. It's no one else's decision or business. There are couples who live together their whole lives and never get married, there are couples who get married and don't live together. The only thing that matters is what feels right to you, not someone else's opinion on the geography of your relationship.
[QUOTE]I don't think anyone HAS to live together before they get married, but I'm currently living with my FI. I'm happy we decided to move in together. You really see how the other person is. We've gotten into more fights since moving in together, but nothing serious. It's mostly about cleaning. We're both kinda bad about keeping the place really clean, so sometimes we argue about it. It's also nice because we get to start making decisions together about where we live. We chose paint colors together, how to set up each room, etc. It's been way more positive than negative. That being said, I think it's important to be realistic and really know that you want to live with the person. I've heard of way too many people rushing into living together and ending up breaking up. Then they end up still having to live together because they both have a lease, and there is the issue of splitting anything you may have bought together. Like, I don't know what we'd do with our cats. Technically I bought them, but I consider them ours. I would never want to give them up, and I know he wouldn't want to either. As sucky as it sounds, you have to be prepared for things to go wrong. <strong>When you're married it's different because things get split for you if you can't come to an agreement.</strong> So if you're going to move in with a BF/GF/FI, make sure you're ready to compromise, communicate and be realistic. If not, at least take note of what you notice at their place. Are you a neat freak and his place is always messy? As lame as it probably sounds, it's a good idea to talk about expectations - who does what chore? Are you going to have a "cleaning" day? What's your definition of clean? I've had roommates before that this was a huge issue. So it's a good thing to sit down and talk about before moving in together, whenever that is!
Posted by jennipea382[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Even if you aren't married, you have the same opportunity to have someone decide these things for you if you can't agree. One of you sues the other for the property, and the court can decide who it belongs to or how to divide it. </div><div>
</div><div>Just like divorce, most people find that legal expenses and attorney fees are simply not worth it when you're talking about dividing furniture and personal property. People usually only resort to this sort of thing when it's something with a lot of value, like a house. </div><div>
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : Good for you, but why does being different from you make someone else weird? I like my privacy, especially when I'm excreting waste. <strong>Marrying DH does not mean I need him to hold my hand while I take a dump (or while I'm having severe period cramps, whatever). </strong>I don't need him to be present with me at all times so I close the door while I'm in the bathroom.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
I was hoping somebody would mention this, lol.
Don't you know that true love means never having to deal with runs on the rag without a hand to hold. Clearly, you and your husband don't love each other as much as other couples do <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on living together... : Good for you, but why does being different from you make someone else weird? I like my privacy, especially when I'm excreting waste. Marrying DH does not mean I need him to hold my hand while I take a dump (or while I'm having severe period cramps, whatever). I don't need him to be present with me at all times so I close the door while I'm in the bathroom.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
I never said he holds my hand, or than he hangs out while I change my tampon. Calm down! One of the posts mentioned having to wait for the guy to leave to use the bathroom, and to me that is just insane. You should be comfortable enough around the person you are going to marry that you can go to the bathroom while he's home.