What's in a name?

landers26 · January 2013

Would like some input on women who have gone the non-traditional route with regards to their last name. I don't really want to change mine and need to approach fiance about it again. We talked about it prior to engagement and he wanted me to change and I thought I might add his (giving me two last, no hyphen) instead of change mine as a compromise. But I'm not sold on it. If I have two last names can I use them interchageable depending on sitation? I am thinkng socially vs professionally.

What did you do? Did you regret it? Any challenges to it?

Jager1219 · January 2013

I know one person who kept her maiden name professionally, but changed her last name legally. I remember hearing that HR didn't know what to do.

AddieCake · January 2013

I haven't yet changed mine, but I plan to start the process next week. Initially I just hadn't gotten around to it but then had to wait b/c of some legal paperwork for something unrelated and I didn't want a hassle with my name not matching up.

Socially, I use my married name, even though I haven't changed it yet. For "official" stuff right now, I use my maiden name since it is what's on my accounts and license and whatnot. I think you could probably do the same.

HobokensFury · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_whats-in-a-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:10ffbcc3-2186-4fd6-9e38-d96c43f3dc35Post:c6963dfe-ecfe-4294-90c4-1e2f49639c2b">What's in a name?</a>:
[QUOTE]Would like some input on women who have gone the non-traditional route with regards to their last name. I don't really want to change mine and need to approach fiance about it again. We talked about it prior to engagement and he wanted me to change and I thought I might add his (giving me two last, no hyphen) instead of change mine as a compromise. But I'm not sold on it. <strong> If I have two last names can I use them interchageable depending on sitation? </strong>I am thinkng socially vs professionally. What did you do? Did you regret it? Any challenges to it?
Posted by landers26[/QUOTE]

I would think this would confuse a lot of people. Your professional name needs to be your legal name because of payroll, taxes, etc.

MoonlightSilver · January 2013

I have two last names, kept mine and took my husbands. It does get a little annoying, but I think that has more to do with the fact that no one knows how to spell his last name. So the other day I had to get my oil changed, and instead of saying "Me MyLast HisLast" I just told them my name was "Me Mylast."

So yes, you can use both last names, or one at a time. Just do whatever feels right for you.

AdeleDazeem · January 2013

I did not change my name. It felt like a slap to my parents, who put a lot of time and thought into my full name, to just up and change it. They gave me my name and I intend to keep it - legally - for life.

My husband understands. He didn't push me one way or the other, but I do notice that he tells people I didn't change it "because she's already published in her maiden name." I guess he thinks other people won't get it? Whatever.

I do use my husband's name socially. I'll respond to Mrs. HisLastName and I don't throw a fit because someone sends me mail saying Joy HisLastName. I am, legitimately, Dr. MyLastName, Ms. MyLastName, and Mrs. HisLastName. It's all good with me.

In the future, I don't forsee any problems with my kids not "getting it" or teachers being confused. I'm also not really hung up on the idea that our family unit needs to all have the same last name legally. Socially we will. I use both names in my social life. But, legally? No. I have a legal name already, thanks.

daria24 · January 2013

I didn't change my name and my husband didn't bat an eyelash when I told him I wasn't changing it. I'm a freelancer in a word of mouth industry, changing my name would complicate getting work, plus I just don't believe in taking the man's name because...he's a man? Whatever you want to do with your name, it is your decision alone. And just because you keep your maiden name legally won't prevent you from using another name socially. And you don't have to make a decision right away, you can decide in a year or ten you want to change your legal name.

RamonaFlowers · January 2013

I completely dropped my maiden name, because I was never a big fan of it (Divorced parents, bio dad not really in the picture, etc). Like, I've pretty much known since elementary school that unless the guy's last name was "Buttmunch", I would be changing my name if I ever got married. But it was 100% my decision. It's my name, I'm the one who has to go by it, so DH didn't get a say in the decision.

tlc35 · January 2013

I plan on doing the same thing as Joy. Legally I will not change my name but if socially people call me Mrs. Hislastname I won't correct them. I feel like it would be a professional issue if I were to change it and I have to work under my legal name. I am also kinda attached to my name as I have had it for 35 years. Happily FI says he doesn't care what I do.

jenajjthr · January 2013

First marriage took H's last name (maiden name belonged to the pedophile adopted father - couldn't wait to drop it). Had kids. Divorced H. Kept last name because 1 wasn't about to take my maiden name back and 2 my kids.

Remarried. Awesome Hubby that I have asked if I was going to hypenate so me and my kids would still have the same last name. I wanted to, but was unsure of how he would react to that. He is amazing, he gets that my former married name is a connection to my kids that I and them wanted to maintain, had nothing to with exH. The only people who had a problem with this was exH and his FI. She thought the only person who should have that name was her.

If you want to switch you name, switch it. If you want to hyphenate, hyphenate. If you want to keep your name, keep it. Lovingly let FI know that it is your name and it is your choice. If he really wants you two to have the same name then you can both hypenate or he can change his to yours.

GoodLuckBear14 · January 2013

I did the same as Joy. As an attorney I have to practice under my legal name and after spending years establishing myself, I wasn't about to start practicing under a new name. DH didn't bat an eyelash - in fact, he assumed that I would keep my name. Socially, I have no problem with people calling me Mrs. DH'slastname.

Lisa50 · January 2013

I married, the first time, in 1992. I did not change my last name legally or socially. We have a son who has exH's last name. My son's friends and teachers have often called me Mrs. exH's LastName; that's fine with me. I'll be called by exH's last name, by some folks, for the rest of my life. No big deal.

I married, the second time, in 2011. I did not change my last name legally or socially. I do not regret my choices. Sometimes, people (few) refer to me as Mrs. H's LastName; that's fine with me. Sometimes, people refer to H as Mr. MyLastName; he's fine with that.

SlothGoals · January 2013

My FI and I have talked about this. I'm going to keep my maiden name legally but use his last name socially. Any future children will have his last name only. I don't want to go through the hassle of changing everything, really.

Amanda1443994 · January 2013

I kept my maiden name in every aspect (legal, professional, social). I've only been married 6 months, but I absolutely do not regret it so far. If we have children one day maybe I'll change it? But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. My H did not care either way so it was really no issue for us at all.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2013

I didn't change anything. Easiest thing ever. No going to the DMV.

My husband has 2 middle names, so he didn't change anything, either.

When we have children, we will give them my last name as a second middle (husband's second middle is his mothers middle/maiden name).

I guess most people just expected I wouldn't change it. My my was like, "Wait... you're not changing your name, right?" And my husband just asked me, "Are you changing you name?" I said, "Nope." He said, "Okay." So I don't really have advice about bringing up because I never did.

However, I understand that some men might 1) be surprised by the idea of not changing or of hyphenating, simply because no one they know has ever done that or 2) simply have always pictured having a wife who was "Mrs. Smith" or 3) be concerned about what names possible future children will have. So if you can address those concerns, you're good.

FWIW, if someone random calls us "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" instead of "Mr. Smith and Ms. Jones," it doesn't bother me much. If it's someone I know well or will be seeing often or needs my name for legal reasons, I will correct them.

misshart00 · January 2013

I changed my name. I loved my maiden name but my full maiden name is the Sam as a porn star, so I was definitely okay changing it. Sorry, I was no help.

libby2483 · January 2013

I kept my maiden name as a second middle name. I am quite attached to it, and I think it is an awesome last name. So now my name is Libby Ann Maiden Last. It isn't hyphenated or anything, and I have just one last name, so a lot of people don't know. I just have two middle inititials when I sign a check or something. It was more something I did for myself because I love my maiden name so much. This was really easy to do. I just told the lady at the social security office, and once it was on my social security card, I had no problem changing anything else.

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

I left my name as is. Honestly, I just couldn't think of any good reason to change my name this far into my life. To me, the idea of changing my last name makes about as much sense as changing my first name.

That said, your FI needs to understand that this is not his decision. Just as you don't get to dictate to him that he should change his name, he doesn't get a vote in whether you change yours. This is your name and your decision. You need to do what makes you comfortable, and he needs to respect that.

handfast4me · January 2013

Never changed mine, not in 1985 for my first marriage, (lasted 18 years) nor for my second one. My name is simple, the husbands' not so much. There was no challenge--think about the way you introduce your husband--that says it all. You don't need to change your name, and you wont' have all the paperwork hassles if you keep your birth name.

Even now, because of my position at work, I know a lot of people, so freqently DH gets referred to as Mr. MYlast name. He doesn't sweat it, and if I get called his lastname, no big deal either. There's another post on this over on second weddings--lots of experience with this over there.

pinguis81 · January 2013

I really want to keep my last name, as well as pass it on to my kids. My father passed away when I was young and its the only thing that I really inherited. I love my last name.

Then there is the issue that I dont really love my fiancees last name.

So I was thinking of hyphenating or addind his last name (though not legally).

My fiancee is cool with that, but he wants his last name to go first when we have kids.

However, it does not sound right that way! With my name first it sounds fine but not the other way around.

So its either stick to my last name and have really weird last names that dont really go with any first name, or just forget the idea.

I am thinking I might just have to hyphen my last name (or add his last name whichever) and just concede the fact that the kids take tha fathers name.

Im torn between that, even though kids arent in the immediate future plans, it kind of affects what I do with my last name because I would like us to have the same one. The ideal would me my future hubby to take on my last name as well, so we all have a hyphenated name, but he's not really going for that...

Why is it that fathers are the ones who get to give their children their last name?

Toughts?

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_whats-in-a-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:10ffbcc3-2186-4fd6-9e38-d96c43f3dc35Post:daa10edb-5d73-4225-b70c-f08c369c85bb">Re: What's in a name?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is it that fathers are the ones who get to give their children their last name? Toughts?
Posted by pinguis81[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, for starters, they don't have to. You can give your child either last name, a hyphenated last name, and in most (all?) places, a different name altogether. It's not completely unheard of for a child to get a hybrid name, a family name, or the name of someone other than the mother or father.</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, it's the norm because we live in a male dominated society. There's no practical or logical reason. Your FI's opinion does not trump yours. You shouldn't conceed just because he is the man. Keep talking about it and exploring other options until you come up with a compromise that you will both be happy with. </div>

beardownbchs · January 2013

It's really important to my FI, so I will be changing my name. I'm not particularly excited about it - his name is kind of funny and IMPOSSIBLE to pronounce and spell. But I understand how important it is to him. He's also an electrician and cannot wear any jewelry (even non-metal jewelry can be an issue on his hands) and him wearing a ring is really important to me. So he's getting my name tattooed on his left ring finger. I'm taking his name and he's "taking" mine!

MariahAndConrad · January 2013

I am getting married this summer. I love my maiden name, it's who I am, I have developed a professional identity as "MM", and it is important to me to maintain a professional independence from my future husband, who works in the same field as me. For these reasons, I am keeping my name as is (not to mention the horror-show of paperwork which I am just not prepared to take on). Also, his last name is pronounced, phonetically, "Sweat-lick-off" and is unappealing in every sense of the word, not the least of which because his father (whence comes the name) was an alcoholic abusive piece of $h!t who has been out of the picture for more than 20 years, and doesn't deserve the honour of me enriching the reputation of his sullied name. I love my fiance immensely and he understands, and supports my reasoning. He even suggested we both take HIS mother's maiden name, which was an interesting option, but I think, all in all, I am willing and ready to take on the naysayers and newsbags who will mutter about my decision, because that's what it is - MY DECISION!

eivaska · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_whats-in-a-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:10ffbcc3-2186-4fd6-9e38-d96c43f3dc35Post:c6963dfe-ecfe-4294-90c4-1e2f49639c2b">What's in a name?</a>:
[QUOTE]Would like some input on women who have gone the non-traditional route with regards to their last name. I don't really want to change mine and need to approach fiance about it again. We talked about it prior to engagement and he wanted me to change and I thought I might add his (giving me two last, no hyphen) instead of change mine as a compromise. But I'm not sold on it. If I have two last names can I use them interchageable depending on sitation? I am thinkng socially vs professionally. What did you do? Did you regret it? Any challenges to it?
Posted by landers26[/QUOTE]

I am having the same issue. My family and my fiance really relaly want me to change my name. However I have a lot of identity tied up in my last name. My fiance is very attached to his as well. Heck he even had it tattooed on his bicep! I think I will hyphenate my name. That way I am still have my maiden name as well as his. My name will be blended like our marriage should be?

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andthepigsaidtothecow · January 2013

I'm keeping my surname - It's mine, it suits me and I wouldn't change it for the world.

FI doesn't care.

Our kids will have both surnames without a hyphen as they go together really well and the combination is not common but also not unusual where we are from.

I know a number of people who kept their maiden names legally and professionally but did sometimes call themselves and use Mrs X in their private lives.

[Deleted User] · February 2013

This topic is still up for debate for us. He really wants (insists) I change my name, but I want to compromise and hyphenate. He thinks this is ridiculous and disrespectful to him. Yet, he can't understand how important my name is to me. Annoyed and disappointed

NerdyLucy_22888998 · May 2013

In Response to Re:What's in a name?:
[QUOTE]I plan on doing the same thing as Joy. Legally I will not change my name but if socially people call me Mrs. Hislastname I won't correct them. I feel like it would be a professional issue if I were to change it and I have to work under my legal name. I am also kinda attached to my name as I have had it for 35 years. Happily FI says he doesn't care what I do.
Posted by tlc35[/QUOTE]

Same here.

lotusthefallen · May 2013

My fiance is actually very understanding when it comes to my choice. I had considered adding his last name to mine, but after a bit of consideration I won't be. This is probably because I have two first names which can get complicated as is. Try having two last names. I won't be giving up my maiden name because, like someone else, I have a profession where it is well known. It's part of my business and if I was to change it now it could be hard on those who don't know I married or after a few years come seeking my services again.

I have a cousin who did both names and for her business, she's a lawyer, she uses her maiden name still. But all other paperwork she signs she uses his. I think it's more about what kind of job you have, how well known you are with your maiden name, and what you ultimately feel is best.

loganandmara · May 2013

I won't be changing mine - at least not yet. I'm not ready to change it and if I did at this point, it would be to please other people so I'd risk regretting it. It's been really hard for my FI - he's from a very traditional, southern family. He is not willing to hyphenate or change his name in any way and wants our kids to have his name. We both want the same thing, to carry on our names. I'm the youngest and last one left from a family of female and female cousins, so it's important to me that our family name lives on, too.

Ultimately, my name is my decision and I'm not going to change it for the wedding (i.e. we won't be introduced as "Mr. and Mrs. Hislastname"). He can make his own decisions regarding his name. The issue will inevitably bubble up again when/if we have kids, but by then, maybe one or both of us will feel differently.

allispain · May 2013

I plan on keeping my maiden name legally and professionally, but being Mrs. HisLastName socially.

Also, fun fact, a lot of cultures don't have women take their husband's last name - even patriarchal ones. I've always liked how traditional Spanish families do names - kids all have two last names, the first one being the father's and the second being the mother's. Example: Adriana López García. They use both all the time (legally, professionally, socially) and don't change their names upon marriage.

calliopeia2013 · May 2013

We both kept our names as-is. We considered a lot of different options (hyphenating, each having two last names, making up an entirely new name that both of us would take, him taking my name, etc.), but I really love my name and wasn't cool changing it unless both of us were making the change, because I hate how sexist the whole deal is. (And did I mention that I really love my name?) None of the other options really worked for us for various reasons- the next best option was him taking my name, because he wasn't really attached to his (complicated family situation), but we ended up deciding it wasn't really worth jumping through the hoops that his family would put him through if he did. Still don't know what we're going to do about kids, though.

The only issue is people calling me by his name, which does kind of annoy me, but my name is unspellable and unpronouncable anyway (part of why I love it, actually), so I'm used to always being slightly annoyed at people calling me by the wrong name. I correct people who I'm going to see again, and don't bother with people whom I won't, same as I do with my unspellable, unpronouncable name anyway. It's just one more wrong name people call me.

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