Uggh...what do I do?

marissa_claire · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugghwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8604d8da-d971-4277-8215-def5a5b979c6Post:8b90e64d-286e-43cd-a231-a3a08ff20669">Re: Uggh...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, with all of that, I don't think I'd invite EITHER of them.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

<div>Frankly, I'm leaning towards that now too as well. If you only invite her, she still might try to bring him. And odds are not inviting her at all will open up a conversation, if that's what you're wanting.</div>

eastunder1 · November 2010

Honestly, if this guy is as huge as a douchenozzle as it sounds, it may take having friendships end for her to see that. Dropping them both off the list and a frank conversation as to why may be something that will hurt her incredibly in the present but she will thank you for in the future for opening her eyes.

Or, she never speaks to you again. Its a toss up. I suggest just having her FI wacked. Problem solved.

andy71781 · November 2010

I think you need to tell her that they both aren't invited because of his racist comments and her inability to stand up for you and FI. You will probably lose the friendship for awhile but once they break up you'll be seen as a really good friend.

Moneypenny424 · November 2010

Oh HELL NO! That man would not be at my wedding. Sure, I might not have to talk to him during the wedding, but I wouldn't let him make racist comments to the guests either. In my opinion, inviting him isn't an option.

If you are only going to invite her, you need to have a conversation with her first. Doing that wouldn't help you to avoid confronting someone, it is just really passive aggressive and will end any relationship you have with her. I'd speak to her, say that you're not cool with this racist and that you're disappointed in her behavior as well. She WILL likely choose him over you, just like you should choose your FI over her.

Snippylynn · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugghwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8604d8da-d971-4277-8215-def5a5b979c6Post:4dcf4560-301f-4942-b884-e2306f520c87">Re: Uggh...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, if this guy is as huge as a douchenozzle as it sounds, it may take having friendships end for her to see that. Dropping them both off the list and a frank conversation as to why may be something that will hurt her incredibly in the present but she will thank you for in the future for opening her eyes. Or, she never speaks to you again. Its a toss up. <strong> I suggest just having her FI wacked. Problem solved. </strong>
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]
Hey, I may know a guy!

kikibaby · November 2010

"We're gonna get whacked off!"

emilyinchile · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugghwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8604d8da-d971-4277-8215-def5a5b979c6Post:73790ddd-acd4-4f5e-8c28-924d61109f2d">Re: Uggh...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uggh...what do I do? : Hey, I may know a guy!
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

HAHAHAHAHA. Love you.

crfische · November 2010

Is someone whacking off in here?

kikibaby · November 2010

Just east and Snippy. No worries, continue on.

banana468 · November 2010

I also have to echo PPs.

1) I'd tell her that based on how the dinner went, I simply cannot socialize with the two of them again.

2) I would say that it really hurts me that she sat by while he made such insulting comments. And while she didn't say them, it makes me feel that she condones them when she doesn't say anything.

3) Finally, I'd let her know that while I valued our friendship, I need a time out from things because based on how she's acting, she's saying that it's fine to insult her friends.

And no, I wouldn't invite either of them to the wedding.

TheCranberry · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugghwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8604d8da-d971-4277-8215-def5a5b979c6Post:a68f306a-3019-490e-944b-37fc3bbca46e">Re: Uggh...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uggh...what do I do? : Are you under the impression Im advocating inviting this guy to the wedding? Im not. Im simply saying she needs to be aware of what her decisions here will most likely result in. I think she would be a fool to not put her husband over any friend. This friend, another friend, any friend. I just dont want her to think its going to be as simple as people on a wedding board can make it appear ("you dont have to invite him, and she needs to understand that!"!) then be shocked when her friendship falls apart.
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

Got it. Fair point.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ugghwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8604d8da-d971-4277-8215-def5a5b979c6Post:1cc4a5e9-310a-4bc7-bf39-456c38876ce3">Re: Uggh...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Before you get to inviting anyone, I'd sit down with her and have a talk about how you respect her choice but cannot put up with someone making comments like that to you and your FI. Then hang out again, and if he doesn't change, I wouldn't be inviting either of them.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

This. I also agree with Squirrly. What was your reaction at dinner? What was HER reaction? did she seem embarrassed or laugh it off? If she laughed it off does she honestly condone his behavior, or is he just really controlling?

ElleestJenn · November 2010

One of my FI friends ended up getting pregnant by the time she found out she had broken up with the guy and was dating another. Well she dumped the other guy had the baby and then decided to start dating the father again. I never met him but FI and his friend said that he was jerk and d-bag and that they would never hang out with her if he was around.

There were four in their group and only one decided that she would continue hanging our with the friend and her BF. Well they go engaged and from what we were told her behavior completely changed. She was a BM and by the time the wedding came along she was ready to call off the friendship because of both of their attitudes.

You need to let your friend know that you will not be hanging out with her if he is around. You can still be her friend anything involving him isn't going to happen and give her your reasons.

Good luck!

mermaidutp · November 2010

First of all, I am so sorry for what you're going through. Based on my own experiences with friend drama - you should be honest with your friend about how you feel. She was witness to this behavior - and if she condones the way this person spoke to you and your fiance - she's not much of a friend. I'm not saying she should chose you over him or vice versa - but the fact that she has done nothing about it, offered no apologies, hasn't even questioned his behaivor, makes her look like a complete tool. She's adding insult to injury by continuing to try to get you to hang out with this person as though nothing had happened.

You are likely to lose this friend unless you take a page from her book and continue to act as though this guy's behavior and attitude are acceptable. (which I don't recommend). Sadly, if she sticks with someone like him - she's likely to lose more than just your friendship, she's likely to lose a lot of other friends and possibly family - but it's her choice.

I wouldn't invite either of them after the way that you and your fiance were treated and I commend you for your restraint in not telling him where to stick it. Good luck!

mkrupar · November 2010

PPs have said what I would: Don't invite either of them. I couldn't be friends with someone who just sat by while their SO was insulting my SO. I wouldn't have sat by myself and would have made the biggest scene in the restaurant if that's what it came to. I would have called a cab if my friend was my ride.

With that being said: The whack her FI reminded me of something.

"What do you want me to do? Whack a guy, off a guy, whack off a guy?" - Family Guy anyone?

Queen Jane · November 2010

screw etiquette. that guy could quit epossibly ruin your wedding and be an emarassment.

its not a small issues, tlak to your friend if you think that will help, but realize your friendship may be done until they (hopefully) split up. sometimes people are so blind in relationships.

but again, i would not invite him, even if that meant she doesnt come bc of it.

Uggh...what do I do?

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