Wedding Party-- Advice

bablingbrooke · February 2010

And you got them!

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:4373f5b5-a27e-4e5d-b655-0624d7ad17d1">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to see other peoples prespective ok. And yes I'm a very real person ok. Who are you to say Im not real when you dont even know the full situation and you dont even know me as a person to even post that.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

Well, you got other people's perspective. This is on you. And you're freaking out and arguing about it.

If you are a real person, take a little responsibility for yourself, own up to your actions, and realize that you are at fault here. Then take the advice and figure out how to make it right with these people.

LJ825 · February 2010

i guess I just thought that my friends were more into it and apparently they are not. Nothing happened between me and the nine girls throughout any of this. I guess in my mind it would have been different and I was just wrong. I guess I just thought all of us was closer or something...

You wouldnt take offense to someone coming on here and saying
There is no possible way you are real.

Im not being super defensive I just feel like Im being ambushed. This started out as just a simple question and escalated into this big dynasty thing about my friends. And how am I supposed to know how the whole wedding ordeal goes when I myself never served in a wedding. I dont know any of this, that is why I asked. Im not trying to point fingers or blame anyone at all, I just wanted to see what people had to say, maybe I worded it wrong or didnt explain enough but that was it, nothing more.

mbcdefg · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:79c73cd6-fb72-4062-9960-2a67782a3f6a">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE] Im not being super defensive I just feel like Im being ambushed. This started out as just a simple question and escalated into this big dynasty thing about my friends.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

The reason why everyone is asking you questions about your friends (Were they always selfish or is this new for them? Have you talked to them? How old are they? etc.) is not so you can be "ambushed" or so the situation can be dramatic or so we can pry into your personal life ...

It's so we have a better understanding of the situation. Telling you, "No, my BMs have been great!" or "Yes, my BMs didn't help out either" doesn't really help you. Helping you get to the root of the problem MIGHT help you reach a solution. Hence, the questions.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

You need to let the "you're not real" comment go. It was insensitive, but that's no reason to be over-sensitive and fixate on it.

What exactly were you expecting of them? You don't mention if you asked for help and they kept saying no or not showing up, or if you're upset that they never offered.

You don't mention if you had visions of a yearlong wedding planning extravaganza or if you just understandably wanted them to be more visibly excited for you.

You don't mention whether you talked about the wedding all the time and became a one-issue person or if you never mentioned it.

You don't mention if you're 1 year out of HS when nobody in your age group is getting married or if you're 5 years out of college when everybody in your age group is getting married.

I'm getting the impression that you're all fairly young here and that the expectations weren't realistic.

If you are upset that they didn't initiate planning or anything, they can hardly be blamed. It's not fair to expect them to read your mind. But if you weren't all-wedding, all the time, and you did ask for help and they kept flaking, then what you have is not a wedding problem but a friend problem. And friend problems are almost always two-way streets. Which means you need to look internally as well as externally here.

I also have to ditto malphabet's question: if nothing suggested here is accurate, what do you think happened?

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

The reason I and someone else questioned whether or not you were real is that this board does get a fair amount of "trolls". People make up ridiculous outlandish stories and post them on here. Then when people respond, they get defensive are refuse to apply any sort of reason or logic to their situation, and change the facts as they go along. Thus, the connection.

mbcdefg · February 2010

I'm still curious if you talked to your BMs about this.

I'm also curious if you asked for help and they ignored you, or if you are upset that they didn't offer help on their own and you were too disappointed to ask for it.

And since I remember you saying that they are nice friends and the only problem here is that they haven't been "into" your wedding plans, my advice would be to just let it go. Your wedding planning will only last less than two more weeks, but the friendships will (hopefully) continue beyond that. I would hate to lose a friend because she wasn't interested enough in my wedding plans.

emilyinchile · February 2010

I just saw on another thread that you suggested the bride keep nagging her BMs until they ordered the dresses and said that you had taken that approach. That kind of thing makes someone not want to help you. Throw in the fact that you helped plan two showers for yourself, and I think these girls are sick of "LJ the bride." They may be able to see past that and keep your non-wedding friendship going strong, but they may not.

It's fine to be a little sad that you feel like you've missed out on things that other people have had. But as PPs have said, if you have 9 separate people who you think under normal circumstances would be doing something different (be it organizing a party in your honor or calling to see how planning's going), I think you need to look at what you might have done to annoy them.

banana468 · February 2010

I think you need to look internally.

What was your overall approach with them? Is it possible that they're on wedding overload?

Are they very young?

Can you elaborate more on how things have been with them?

PPs are right that you aren't supposed to have a hand in planning your bachelorette or shower. What you did was 'nice' to help your mom but still inappropriate.

And I think you have every right to be disappointed. But because such a large crowd didn't do something, I think you need to start searching to find the seat of the issue here.

I know it may come across as a lot of people directing tons of questions to you which can make you feel put on the spot. But the ladies are just trying to help you understand if some of your actions have caused any of this so you can rectify the situation before you walk down the aisle.

krmabojo · February 2010

YOU DO NOT PLAN YOUR OWN BACHELORETT PARTY OR SHOWER!

It is your wedding plan it your damn self. Have your FI help you. The MOh adn BMs get the dress, wear the dress and smile at your wedding. Anything THEY WANT to do is extra.

I am sooo f*cking tired of these Bridezillas thinking everyone owes them something and everyone should do all the work for them.

You are probably too immature to even get married and make such a huge commitment!

LJ825 · February 2010

Im 28 years old, these are people I have been knowing for 7+ years. We have always stayed in contact and hang out and do stuff together. Some of them do have selfish tendencies. Im not trying to act out like a diva in this or say Im the perfect person because I am far from perfect. My BD's are between the ages of 26-32 and I know that alot of them have their own lives. We do see each other occassionally and keep in touch. I guess I was expecting this whole other thing when really maybe this is how it is for everyone.

Alot of times I would ask if they would want to come with me for different things like dress shopping and I would get that some of them have plans which is understandable and then some would say sure Im coming and then the last minute back out with some excuse. I dont know what happened, maybe they just see it as not important as I do and I just need to accept it.

LJ825 · February 2010

You dont even know me to call me a Bridezilla, you dont know me or anything about me and to come on here and curse, you wanna talk about immaturity.

I never said they owe me or have to do all the work.

Yeah I know I dont plan my bachelorette and shower ok, but I wanted a bachelorette party just like Im sure every bride does. and my mom planned my shower, if you would read and not be so quick to come here and scream and insult me.

emilyinchile · February 2010

It sounds like they don't think this stuff is as important as you do - it's not their wedding, and some people just aren't really into weddings in general. That's a shame, but it's not a reflection of how they feel about you.

Is backing out of something at the last minute normal for the girls who did it? If so, then it's not personal, it's just how they are.

When did your mom start planning the shower/bach party? Did she ask the BMs if they'd like to co-host? If she was eager to start it way in advance of your wedding, it's possible that your friends just didn't see the need to do anything yet, and then your mom ended up taking charge alone (with you).

You have to admit it seems weird that 9 people are suddenly not doing things you expected them to do. The most likely answers are either that your expectations were wrong - you thought that because it was something special to you they'd do things, when their characters just aren't like that - or that something that you did/didn't do has bothered all of them.

LJ825 · February 2010

No this was things throughout the whole year like this was from the time I asked them to serve, it wasnt just suddenly. ITs not like ohhh it just happened all of a sudden like its personal or a vendetta agains mt. my mom called them to see if they were interested in helping and some of them do unreliable things but some of them just surprised me thats all. Im not gonna harp on it anymore I just wanted to see insight from others. I just think my expectations were wrong.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2010

Some people would consider your mother hosting your shower to be tacky as well. Personally, I do NOT expect a shower. Because I know my friends. They aren't wedding-y. It probably won't occur to them, which is fine.

One of my BMs won't get back to me about dress shopping. Because that's just how she is. She's kind of flaky, disorganized and caught up in her own world. No matter. I'll go shopping with my other 2 girls and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. If you aren't getting a positive response from giving them wedding info, back off the wedding info.

Do you have a honeymoon registry? What are you getting your BMs as gifts? Did you ask them how much they wanted to spend on dresses? Are you making them pay for their hair/nails/make-up? Are you making them wear matching shoes and jewelry?

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:27b15f8c-63f8-4084-958e-55d7818b7b2f">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]You dont even know me to call me a Bridezilla, you dont know me or anything about me.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

Oh, honey, there's enough in this post to make that call.

LJ825 · February 2010

No i dont have a honeymoon registry and I arranged on the house for them to have all of their makeup and their hair done and arranged to have all of their dresses steamed and stored the day before the wedding so they wont have to bring anything but themselves on the wedding day.

I bought them all personalized gifts for each of them as well. Its a compact mirror with their birthstone and I got their initials engraved. The dresses are around $100.00, and I told them that they could use their own jewerly and accessories but keep it simple so they wouldnt have to spend alot of money on this.

My mom wanted to host a shower for me. I told her it wasnt her responsibility but she wanted to give me one.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Have you tried talking to them at all about this? "Friend, things seem off between us, is everything okay?" If this is really out of character for some of them I would want to know what was up.

LJ825 · February 2010

You don't even know me either. Im not about to say things when I dont even know any of these people to start name calling and judging all of you based on a simple question that got thrown into this big thing.

emilyinchile · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:bd3d9b78-d2ea-4cec-994e-05b007884ce7">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you tried talking to them at all about this? "Friend, things seem off between us, is everything okay?" If this is really out of character for some of them I would want to know what was up.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

This, exactly. If they've been like this for months, and them being like this is not normal (ie. not in the case of the girls you said normally are unreliable), I would ask what was going on. Because outside of them being BMs and having any kind of obligation to support you or do things related to the wedding, I wouldn't like to have my friends blow me off.

As far as things where they just haven't been as excited or motivated as you expected, then I think that's just something where unfortunately your expectations were wrong.

CTGirl30 · February 2010

It sounds like you had different hopes and expectations of how your bridal party would be (more excitement, more jumping up and down sort of reaction to your wedding planning) than how reality ended up being.

I wonder if some of that might be in your attitude to the wedding party? You say this is your first wedding experience and you keep using the term "serve" - they're not here to serve you...being asked to be a bridesmaid is an honor and you ask those people emotionally closest to you because you want to honor them for the meaningful role they have in your life.

I also read your advice that you gave in another thread to the other bride that Emily referenced:
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_worried-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:7682c59f-985d-4ed2-92e7-24c2155eefb7Post:6a15a6ac-ae81-421b-a615-6008105af257">Re: Worried about a BM...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have had this problem too with my girls. The best advice I can give you is to be persistant keep on top of her and bug her and bug her until she finally goes. Or you can just wash your hands and if she doesnt go, she doesnt serve in the wedding. I have come to the point with my own bridesmaids that I cant let what they dont do stress me out and make myself sick. It will be ok, just stay strong and on top of it or if its too much designate another Bridesmaid to stay on top and to keep contacting the ones that havent gone and get fitted yet. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

Taking the strategy to harp on people who are adults (your BMs are in their late twenties and early thirties from what you said) like they are children won't endear you to your friends. You asked these girls because you love them and trusted them, right? So why was it so hard to let go of the control and trust them todo what they needed to do (and as other ppl have mentioned all that entails was getting their dresses and showing up on your wedding day). The point being that they were not required to do anything else - showers, parties, etc. Everyone has acknowledged that it is understandable to be disappointed if you don't get one. But the point you weren't seemign to get is that if you don't get one, you don't get one. Make peace with it and move on - you are not OWED anything.

Maybe your friends got tired of being harped on to do things for you and hence...why they backed off from you.

mbcdefg · February 2010

Did you ever answer the (repeated) question of whether or not you actually talked to the BMs about their disinterest in your plans?

LJ825 · February 2010

Yeah maybe if you would actually read the replies to people other then jumping the gun to constantly point out all of these other things you would see that.

LJ825 · February 2010

yes, I call them to see whats going on in their life and to see what they have been up to. Im not just using them to help plan my wedding. Maybe they have other things going on in their life and just don't have the time. Im not a cold hearted person that is just selfish and all about me, I was just trying to get input so that i can move past this and not feel soo disappointed and maybe have some light at the end of this tunnel and have a more positive outlook but from the way everyone is posting, its total negativity.

mbcdefg · February 2010

*holds head in hands*

Did you ask them why they don't want to take any part in the plans?

banana468 · February 2010

I think you need to move on but still try to see what the deal is with the friends. If they've never done this for anyone else, they may not "get" that that's what some BMs do.

But if they HAVE done some of these things before, I'd really try to talk about the friendship.

fiddle14 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:55c0dcd7-0434-466f-9162-9f162969dca6Post:88ec7037-146c-4f77-bf11-ed26c3ccbb26">Re: Wedding Party-- Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]My Mom is the one that threw the Shower ok. Other then that my mom and me had to do everything at the shower. How is that rude.
Posted by LJ825[/QUOTE]

You or your immediate family throwing your shower is considered GIFT GRABBY.
Conversely, if a friend unrelated to you takes it on herself to plan a shower and invite everyone (and NOT involve you in the planning except for telling when and where) then it's a nice thing for your friend to do. She's not benefitting from it in any way (i.e. receiving gifts).

LJ825 · February 2010

It's not being gift grabby---- people from different states do things and traditions different ways. Excuse me, my mom wanted to do something nice ok cause she saw that none of the bridal party made an effort to do anything I have been having a rough time she thought it would cheer me up she even contacted them to see if they wanted to help out in anyway and to me, and Im sorry Im not gonna let my mom have to set up everything and do everything by herself, Im not that type of person, Im gonna help her shes my mom.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

The whole "family throwing the shower is bad" is a bit outdated IMHO. I'm fairly certain it dates back to where the woman's property = her family's. In my neck of the woods family (usually an aunt) throws the shower. So that's not gift grabby at all for her mom to throw the shower.

duckie1905 · February 2010

In my family it is publicly frowned upon but done privately. My mom paid for my shower but she gave "host" credit to my MOH, who helped when she could with things.

The point the OP doesn't seem to understand is that even though her mom may have been doing it on her own, without anyone's assistance, it was out of line for her to help with her own shower. The bride's involvement should be limited as much as possible as to not seem like she is "asking" for presents.

It doesn't matter whether or not you felt bad for your mom you should've stayed out of it. I'm sorry that your BMs didn't step up, for whatever reason, but if you mom couldn't handle it on her own then she shouldn't have thrown the shower.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Time to strap on the big girl panties and move on with your life. Worry about saving your friendships and not about what they did/didn't do for you.

Wedding Party-- Advice

Re: Wedding Party-- Advice

Choose Another Board

Search Boards