XP: Balancing personal professional goals with FI's
I also posted this on the Student Board, but I'd like to hear your girls' thoughts. It's about balancing my professional goals with my future husband's.
My FI is a grad student at Harvard Business School (first year), and I'm applying to law school. I live in Washington, DC, and he lives up in Boston. We're getting married in May. Originally, I was planning on moving up to Boston and going to Boston College or Boston University Law if I can get accepted there, but I think I'm about to be accepted at Georgetown Law, a much higher ranked school.
I'm feeling down about the idea of potentially giving up Georgetown Law for a lesser ranked school, even though I was originally happy with that idea. I'm thinking about the economy, and they say you should go to the best law school possible to be considered for a job. I'm also a rather ambitious individual, and the thought of not living up to my full potential makes me a little sad.
On the other hand, my FI made huge professional sacrifices earlier to live closer to me (he's foreign), and he is turning down recruiters for lucrative jobs abroad so we could live together in the U.S. But he doesn't want to live in DC after he graduates, as there are fewer business oportunities in DC (he's thinking big, like McKinsey or Goldman Sachs). I'd like to make sacrifices for him like he did for me, but I also have that nagging desire to be successful.
Has anyone gone through this? How do you balance your professional goals as a wife with that of your husband, especially when your professional goals don't exactly line up? Do you take turns? I have heard people in the church say women should subcumb to the man, and he needs to be the leader. But I'm a feminist, and I also believe in equal opportunities. This is our biggest disagreement, but on everything else in life we're perfect for each other. What are your thoughts? Thanks!
Re: XP: Balancing personal professional goals with FI's
Right now, this is being demonstrated in him looking for a job after he graduates next month. He included me in looking up job postings, praying together about the churches he was sending applications to, and we're visiting a church out in Kansas together in January. I will find a job wherever he is led.
My degree will be in Special Education, which I love, but my priorities will be as a wife and (prayerfully) a mother. Once we have children I will stay home with them and the plan is to homeschool K-12. I have a dream to open a Christian school with a strong Special Education program, and FI is totally suportive of this, and he is supportive of me wanting to wait on that until the kids are out (or on their way out) of the house.
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I would recommend praying about it - because sometimes what God is quietly pushing us to do, is not the choice we would have made on our own.
But seeing as you posted on the Christian board as well, I'm also going to emphasize what the other girls are saying. Being a feminist doesn't mean that you can't also be a submissive wife to your husband. Now at the same time, I don't believe you're married yet so that isn't quite the same. It is equal opportunity, and that means that the wife is to submit to the husband and the husband is to love his wife like Christ loves the church.
Marriage is all about compromises and sacrifices. You two need to talk this over together and come up with a compromise that you can both be happy with.
[QUOTE]Thanks for your opinions. I got very different responses here than on the Student Board. It's interesting to see more girls here talk about letting the guy lead than on the other board. It's kind of hard for me to do that, I guess, just because I fear being the weaker one in the relationship. I just want to be independent and not have to rely completely on anyone just in case life throws you a curveball. I was planning to make tradeoffs in the future when it came time to having kids, but I wanted to focus on achievement with education and career now, as I know I will be giving that up in the future when I have kids. Yeah... women have it much harder than men!
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]
I wouldn't say harder, but it's definitely different. As a student, I'd give different advice than as a Christian student.
Something else I noticed on your other post; I think you really need to sit down and be honest with yourself when figuring out your priorities. What's important to you? Is it an education? A career? Your SO? Kids? Anything like that. There isn't anything wrong with wanting a career and a family, but it does take sacrifice and compromise along the way of course. And I do believe that the man and woman have different roles to fulfill within a family, but you don't have to be at that stage yet.
[QUOTE]When we were dating, I lived in MD and DH lived in NY. I owned a home. He didn't. I had a really good job where I could support the two of us if necessary. He didn't. I would love to be a mom who stays home with my children while my husband supports us financially. But that is not the life that God has given me. I have to work and I don't think we'll have children. Philippians 4:12 says, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want." My sister is a lot like you. Her fiance got accepted into a PhD program at Cornell University while she was applying to graduate schools in Seattle and elsewhere on the West Coast. She gave up her desire to attend a school on the West Coast so that they could get married and she could help support him through his PhD program. Then he graduated and she thought she would now be able to pursue her dream but they prayed about it and God had other plans for them. She is sometimes saddened that she missed out on her dream, but she knows that she is where God wants her to be.<strong> I would encourage you to pray to learn God's will. His will is not always the same as ours. But ultimately it is the best for us. I hope everything works out in a way that you will have peace about the decision.
</strong>Posted by iamjoesgurl[/QUOTE]
As a sidenote, I'm actually going through a book called "Experiencing God" in my Bible study right now and it is extremely eye-opening. I don't necessarily mean you should go through it before making this decision, but for anyone interested <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Experiencing-God-Knowing-Revised-Expanded/dp/0805447539">this is the book here.</a>
I've done some research abput law school and I have several friends who've recently graduated. It does sound like it's important to go to the best school possible.
On the other hand, I was told to go to the best grad school, went to a lesser program (to be closer to FI), and was completely miserable. I ended up leaving with my Masters instead of going toward my PhD. It was a really tough decision to leave but I am so much happier now, AND now that FI is applying for residencies we feel like he has the freedom to apply all over the country (as opposed to the original plan and try to go to one of the 2 schools close to my graduate program). I will go with him wherever he's accepted, but he also knows where I would like to go/stay. It will be a joint decision.
I would have said that to any student. As a Christian, I suggest to talk to a female role model. Before I was dating FI or considering graduate school, I had a conversation with a friend's mom. She told me about how she and her husband had certain plans but God had other things in mind for them. I know that's not specific, but that conversation stuck with me and is a helpful reminder that anything can happen.
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My opinion is that Harvard Biz school is an incredible program and your FI will get networking opportunities that are irreplaceable. (DH is currently toying with applying there.) BU and BC are really amazing schools too, but I do understand why you'd be down if Georgetown is better. I don't think it would be fair to take that away from him as he has already started and you have not.
I guess, my thoughts are that it's your turn to make the sacrifice. Your turning down Georgetown and going to BU or BC is much less of a sacrifice than him going leaving Harvard for another school in DC when he has already starting the local Boston networking.
My DH is in investment consulting and networking is an incredibly important part of getting a job. Also, the Boston area is a great area for that business career. Unless Georgetown is going to make a dramatic difference (which honestly, I think going to BU or BC would be reputable enough) that is my opinion.
AND, of course! as the others have said, I would spend a lot of time in prayer about this.
I would also go some serious research about Law Schools in Boston. Boston is one of the best educational epicenters of the US and I have a hard time you wouldn't be able to find a comparable program to Georgetown. Moving to Boston does NOT mean you have to give up any of your ambition or dreams.
** I am also biased as I live in Boston :P
Katanne, thanks for your advice. I would never want my FI to drop out of Harvard. We would just have to do another year of long distance until he finishes, since it's a two year program. It is an incredible opportunity, and your husband should seriously consider applying.
Boston College and Boston University are great schools. I had been planning to go there for a while, but what threw me off was getting an interview invite from Georgetown this week. Over half of people interviewed get in, and since I did my undergrad at Georgetown, that gives me a boost. I think the prospect of getting in has been tempting me; I was never tempted in the past, since I never thought they would consider me given my LSAT score.