Am I being a brat?

[Deleted User] · December 2011

Eagles, you seem oddly worked up over this. I can't agree with you though. I don't think achi is out of line in wanting other peoples' schedules to be considered. In my family, majority rules. If ONE person has to come later, then they suck it up. Regardless of the job, it's absurd to cater to just one person every single year simply because they throw a temper tantrum.

Plus, in this case, it seems like no matter when the party is, the SIL gets to see her family and everything is all fine and dandy for her, while other people are forced to choose between families because she is spoiled. That's not cool. It wouldn't kill her to eat dinner after the others.

But all this is pointless because clearly the dad and SM are going to continue to enable her bad behavior. Achi, if it's that much stress, then don't go and instead see the people who take the time to show some consideration to you and your FI.

Avion22 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:7327693d-be24-48f4-8844-4ece0b9de52c">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Then why bring up the fact that you were flying combat missions? </strong> I don't get it. Anyway, that's fine, you can absolutely skip next year. Just don't expect them to take the bait and switch things. You are absolutely saying "if you don't change, I'm not coming" and that's also bad behavior, which should not be rewarded. This is the way that it is. Accept it or not.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I brought it up because your post made it sound like having a sucky job means you have a right to demand your family cater to your schedule. It doesn't. While I love my job, working thousands of miles away from them on Christmas definitely sucks -- more, I would argue, than working in retail in Christmas (which I've also done). </div>

Stackeye210 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:8f2003e1-dcdc-4fb5-acc3-3e7d4a59267b">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Thank you! I've also asked that we change the date so this is not a problem year after year and suggested several options including the weekend before Christmas. All of these seem to be shot down since my Dad is so reluctant to change it from the 24th.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

<div>So why are you blaming SIL? It seems your DAD wants it this way. You're taking it out on the wrong person. </div>

[Deleted User] · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:85da564a-9a59-4121-a495-df24e05eca65">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : All of this. All of it. Do you know what I'm doing this Christmas Eve, after pulling off a 60 hour week in six days? Going to my FILs, because that's what works for them. Do you know what I want to be doing? Sleeping. Curling up on my couch with my FI and our dog and sleeping. I'm sucking it up and going. Not only that, but going LATER because they are going to church before dinner. Which means that I don't have the option of doing it around 5 and then going home to bed at 8. Life isn't fair.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Oddly enough, this kind of proves achi's point. You are sucking it up and adjusting to the ILs schedule and eating later. Like an unselfish, non-entitled person would do. Her SIL? I doubt she would do all this. She'd probably demand that everyone come to her the next morning or host the party on the day of her choice (because clearly, I know everything about her and can make such assumptions).

strlzfan11 · December 2011

Last year my sisters ILs invited my parents & I to their Christmas dinner since we were driving to NC the next day. In theory it wasn't a big deal, but in reality it wasn't fun for me because nobody really knew me or talked to me (other than a hi, how are you from his cousins I knew in HS and his mom). It was awkward enough for me that I politely excused myself after eating and went to my best friend's mom & dad's who live right around the corner.

For TG this year I told my mom that I didn't want to feel out of place like that again, so if she wasn't going to cook then I'd be going to NC to see my other sister. It ended up that mom & dad also came to NC so it turned out fine.

ILoveToRobot · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:836e8638-b5d9-4ca1-b61a-fc8d01036289">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : <strong>Oddly enough, this kind of proves achi's point. You are sucking it up and adjusting to the ILs schedule and eating later.</strong> Like an unselfish, non-entitled person would do. Her SIL? I doubt she would do all this. She'd probably demand that everyone come to her the next morning or host the party on the day of her choice (because clearly, I know everything about her and can make such assumptions).
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I was thinking when I read Eagles response.

achiduck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:836e8638-b5d9-4ca1-b61a-fc8d01036289">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Oddly enough, this kind of proves achi's point. You are sucking it up and adjusting to the ILs schedule and eating later. Like an unselfish, non-entitled person would do. <strong>Her SIL? I doubt she would do all this.</strong> She'd probably demand that everyone come to her the next morning or host the party on the day of her choice (because clearly, I know everything about her and can make such assumptions).
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Hell would freeze over first.

I also offered to host Christmas so we could avoid all of this, but that didnt' go over well either.

[Deleted User] · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:8ab66831-6932-4582-a81d-81cc4d533030">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sesh, the reason we're doing all of that is because it's what works for my FSIL, and the entire family caters to her. This entire evening was planned around her, because she prefers to spend all of Christmas day with her in laws.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

So you have a crappy SIL too, huh? Interesting that you and achi are kind of in the same situation, being forced to cater to someone else every year.

Next year, I'll be the one making sacrifices since H wants to go see his family. But we can only choose one family a year due to distance.

mari0225 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:a9c084eb-0c17-43e1-84fb-c1c61027df3d">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Hell would freeze over first. I also offered to host Christmas so we could avoid all of this, but that didnt' go over well either.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

It seems like you have really bent over backwards to try and make the situation better but your SIL and your dad are just not having it.

baystateapple · December 2011

I'm with Stacks. I feel like the irritation here is misguided. Granted, SIL is being a brat, but she can be a brat all she wants, your father is the one who is planning the holiday. He could choose to ignore her and find a compromise, but he didn't.

Birdie1483 · December 2011

DON'T YOU ALL JUST LOVE CHRISTMAS?!?!?!

mari0225 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:926d11f1-d8e0-412f-8406-8568e361f83c">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]DON'T YOU ALL JUST LOVE CHRISTMAS?!?!?!
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Haha oh yes! Mine is going to go by in a whirlwind, a hour or two spent at each family's house!

achiduck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:926d11f1-d8e0-412f-8406-8568e361f83c">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]DON'T YOU ALL JUST LOVE CHRISTMAS?!?!?!
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

LOVE IT. It's just the best, most stress-free time of year!

Fortunately the last of our 6 xmas parties is with FI's friends and is a pretty big booze fest.

mbody · December 2011

This situation sucks, yes. And I don't think your being that bratty. I'm sure I'd have similar feelings.

If I were in this situaion, I would go to your Dad's house until 7:00-7:30 (and visit before dinner- maybe you can bring an appetizer or something to share) then leave and go to your FI's family when his side picks up around 7:00-7:30. This way you are able to visit with everyone that day (other than SIL) and you aren't directly enabling her behavior.

Marina007 · December 2011

Birdie FTW!

annakb8 · December 2011

Yeah, this is what happens. People schedule things and not everyone can make it to everything. It sucks, but you just need to grow up and make a decision about whether or not to go. Your SIL wants things catered to her schedule, you want things catered to yours. You are probably both being brats.

Avion22 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:926d11f1-d8e0-412f-8406-8568e361f83c">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]DON'T YOU ALL JUST LOVE CHRISTMAS?!?!?!
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>It is simultaneously the happiest and most stressful time of the year. And it's expensive.</div>

[Deleted User] · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:2198fe55-bfd4-4b14-9877-a059ca8f4cfc">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Yep, and it's never going to change. So I adapt. I adapt, and I don't stomp my feet and tell them that if they don't change it next year I won't come. Because I'm an adult.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

See, I would. Except not in the foot-stomping way. More of the "Well, sorry you won't consider other people's schedules. I guess we'll see you some other time" way.

I admit, it's weird to me that it's all about the SIL's schedule, and not the brother's (isn't this achi's dad, so it would be the SIL's FIL?). My family pretty much focuses on the kids. There are too many of us to cater to the in-laws and SOs and all their schedules. So, it goes by us kids. Achi, what does your brother do? Does he have a voice in the scheduling at all or just cater to his wife was well?

AdeleDazeem · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:2198fe55-bfd4-4b14-9877-a059ca8f4cfc">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : Yep, and it's never going to change. So I adapt. I adapt, and I don't stomp my feet and tell them that if they don't change it next year I won't come. Because I'm an adult.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

See.. I don't think your attitude is being adult at all. You are stomping your feet and whining in this thread whether you realize it or not.

I'm sorry your SIL sucks and you just roll over and deal with it, but that doesn't mean that those who stand up to them suck. Seriously.

achiduck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:87021499-41e6-401f-8205-6fcf6425ea09">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : See, I would. Except not in the foot-stomping way. More of the "Well, sorry you won't consider other people's schedules. I guess we'll see you some other time" way. I<strong> admit, it's weird to me that it's all about the SIL's schedule, and not the brother's (isn't this achi's dad, so it would be the SIL's FIL?)</strong>. My family pretty much focuses on the kids. There are too many of us to cater to the in-laws and SOs and all their schedules. So, it goes by us kids. Achi, what does your brother do? Does he have a voice in the scheduling at all or just cater to his wife was well?
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Yup, this is my brothers wife. My brother is a foreman in a factory and pretty much caters to SIL (hence the cooking, cleaning, laundry and driving her around). My Dad has told him multiple times to put his food down and stop treating her like a spoiled princess (his words) but my brothers response is always "ya, ya." SIL almost died 4 or 5 years ago almost right at the beginning of their relationship and I think it scared him so much that he just waits and her beck and call. Everyone seems to forget that she's fine now and has been fine for a very long time.

achiduck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:bdea535c-e1e5-41c7-b51d-865bf067e238">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm bowing out. Good luck, Achi. Merry Christmas.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Thanks. Same to you.

achiduck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:7a811d65-9ca3-4f11-8b64-e0c2c63babda">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Achi, how does your F feel about the situation? Because if he's bummed about missing seeing most of his family, I would definitely plan to be able to attend his at least alternate years going forward. Obviously, you guys could split up for the night, but that doesn't sound like the best solution either.
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

FI is pretty bummed about it. His family just doesn't get together throughout the year so he really wants to be able to spend time with them. I suggested to him that he go there and I'll just deal with my family but he doesn't want us to have to split up. I've told him that next year we'll be going to his family and mine will just have to miss us if they refuse to pick another date.

strlzfan11 · December 2011

Maybe in the future you just need to start alternating families each year. I wish my sisters would've done something to that extent so we'd actually KNOW more than 2 weeks before any given holiday where we'd be going and who would be there.

LDYGTR13 · December 2011

Can't we all just get along?

TEAM EAGLES!

baystateapple · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:d696304b-3431-461f-b538-129b787fb62f">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : FI is pretty bummed about it. His family just doesn't get together throughout the year so he really wants to be able to spend time with them. I suggested to him that he go there and I'll just deal with my family but he doesn't want us to have to split up. I've told him that next year we'll be going to his family and mine will just have to miss us if they refuse to pick another date.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

Why not just do that this year? I realize that you want to spend the holiday with your parents, but if it's not feasible, then maybe it's time to cut your losses and go with FI to spend Christmas with his family.

My ILs live 2 hours away from us. It is not really possible to split the holidays; we usually have to make a choice, one family or the other. Over the past four years, I have missed holidays with my family; he has missed holidays with his. That was something that we had to get used to. Sometimes it is tough. Easter is a VBD in my family; his, not so much. But they still wanted us there for Easter, so I had to suck it up this year and go.

mari0225 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:d696304b-3431-461f-b538-129b787fb62f">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : FI is pretty bummed about it. His family just doesn't get together throughout the year so he really wants to be able to spend time with them. I suggested to him that he go there and I'll just deal with my family but he doesn't want us to have to split up. I've told him that next year we'll be going to his family and mine will just have to miss us if they refuse to pick another date.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

It sounds like alternating might be the best solution, it's a crappy one and it sucks having to choose but you have to do what you can and make the best of it.

achiduck · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:d1aa8d47-92ec-45e5-9b1d-163205ad1292">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : For this year, could you do dinner with your family, but limit it to an hour or hour and a half and then go to his family? If his family thing is just really getting started around 8 as well, I would think there would still be plenty of people there by 9:30. Or is that not feasible?
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

My Dad will flip if we're all together for only and hour and a half, but it's a good idea.

Avion22 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:96bcef96-41e5-4a5a-a3e8-744069448820">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? :<strong> My Dad will flip if we're all together for only and hour and a half, but it's a good idea.</strong>
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

<div>Maybe he should have thought about that when you told him of your scheduling preferences and then he chose to disregard them:-) Seriously, your family will have to learn to get over it at some point, might as well be now.</div>

jayjoe · December 2011

ok, i havent read this whole thing but i'll just throw in my two cents: i have worked retail (for many many years) on big holidays (GAP and later on Rite Aid). It is very exhausting and whoever said "christmas brings out the best in people" is right. Sadly, i dealt with more stressed out nasty customers than nice ones but thats the job. Anyway, xmas eve dinner was at 630 sharp and i didnt get out until 730 (+ bus time i got to my aunts around 8). I never ONCE asked for dinner to be moved. They offered it every year but i never accepted. No one should revolve around my schedule especially because there were kids there. Ever been around overly excited overly tired overly hungry kids? LOL Yeah...

Also, i sympathize because i go through the same thing with my SIL (my husbands sister) but its with his parents. Once we got married it became xmas eve with his family, xmas day with my family and dessert at his parents (who live downstairs from us). His SIL became so overly crazy with what time we should be where that we just stopped showing up. Every year it was a different time depending on when she wanted to leave. That got old real quick so we stopped it and now our xmas is back to being rush free and HAPPY

KellyBrian2013 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-brat-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9a5e67cf-8e44-4922-a5a6-d7a0048edccfPost:96bcef96-41e5-4a5a-a3e8-744069448820">Re: Am I being a brat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being a brat? : My Dad will flip if we're all together for only and hour and a half, but it's a good idea.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

Then let him flip. Let him know that family is important to BOTH you and your FI, which is why you are choosing to split the evening rather than not seeing one side at all. Would he rather you be there for some time or not at all?

Let him know you're sorry to be missing dinner, but that you have other people's schedules that need to be worked around too. Thank him for hosting and head to FI's family function...

Am I being a brat?

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