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Attire & Accessories Forum
Not wearing my engagement ring? (and a mini-vent)
I asked my fiancée for a small, inexpensive ring (I even said gemstone instead of diamond to cut back on price). I rarely wear any jewellery, and when I do it's small, delicate pieces.
He thought he was being generous when he bought me a 3 1/2 carat sapphire with two 1/2 carat diamond baguette. He spend more than five times what I had told him would suffice. I know it's his money and the thought that counts and the ring is symbolism for our commitment. It just kills me that we could have had a week in Europe for a piece of jewellery. It's too big bringht and gaudy for my taste, and it's HEAVY. I find myself taking it off whenever I can just because of the discomfort. I would never tell him any of this. He spent months custom designing it and I couldn't hurt him like that.
My solution is to tolerate wearing it for a year (six more months now) and then just wear a small plain wedding band once we get married. We're about to start shopping for bands, and I'm so nervous. I really am not looking forward to having the conversation of what band would go with my ring, and that leading me to telling him I'm not going to be wearing the ring.
I would love some gentle phrasing/white lies to help avoid hurting his feelings.
He thought he was being generous when he bought me a 3 1/2 carat sapphire with two 1/2 carat diamond baguette. He spend more than five times what I had told him would suffice. I know it's his money and the thought that counts and the ring is symbolism for our commitment. It just kills me that we could have had a week in Europe for a piece of jewellery. It's too big bringht and gaudy for my taste, and it's HEAVY. I find myself taking it off whenever I can just because of the discomfort. I would never tell him any of this. He spent months custom designing it and I couldn't hurt him like that.
My solution is to tolerate wearing it for a year (six more months now) and then just wear a small plain wedding band once we get married. We're about to start shopping for bands, and I'm so nervous. I really am not looking forward to having the conversation of what band would go with my ring, and that leading me to telling him I'm not going to be wearing the ring.
I would love some gentle phrasing/white lies to help avoid hurting his feelings.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Not wearing my engagement ring? (and a mini-vent)
Please excuse my rough winter-reddened hands. IIt is a very pretty ring, it's just a bit much for my usual taste in jewellery. I can see wearing it for special occasions once in awhile after we're married, but I want a small band for day-to-day wear.
jagore- when I wear it for even a few hours it starts itching/bothering me. There's no rash or redness, so I think it's the weight causing irritation, not the metal. I've never even worn it over night.
edielaura- to be honest, I don't like it and probably wouldn't want to wear it even if it wasn't uncomfortable. We got engaged May 8th, so telling him I don't want to wear it at this point would be super awkward (which is probably my fault as well). He's SO proud of the ring. He literally mentions how great it is on at least a weekly basis. I would feel like a total puppy-kicker telling him I want something else.
BTW I've had it off for an hour (I'm at work until 10) and its STILL itchy as heck! I don't think I have any metal allergies (but again, I rarely wear jewellery) and there's no visual signs of irritation. It is a little loose, maybe I'll see if taking it in to get resized helps?
Also I like the idea of saying I'm afraid of losing it. Maybe that and the idea of keeping it for special occasions will be a passable excuse.
I have a friend who switches from her engagement right/wedding band combo to just her wedding band on a daily basis, depending on her mood or the occasion. Her ring and band look beatiful together and apart. Find a picture of something that you like that would work seperately. You don't need to get a band that is custom fit around your engagement ring.
For example, a wedding ring like below would be beautiful solo AND as part of the engagment ring. You just need to find pictures like below of a style you like to show your FI and a jeweler.
Honestly, I would have a very hard time not telling H if I didn't like my ring...but I also would have expected him to pick something that suited my tastes, especially since you guys talked about it, you know? Personally, I think it's totally different from a wedding dress - the ring was a gift he bought for you, not an item of clothing you purchased for yourself.
Anyway, since you don't think you can tell him you don't care for it, I like Matcha's idea of looking for inspiration online of rings you like that will work well with your current ring or separately.
I'm going to get tested and get the ring resized and platinum plated if it turns out I am allergic. Funny side note on that- I never knew why these adorable anthropology earrings caused my ears to scab if I wore them for more than a few hours. *Lightbulb*
I think matcha's idea is fantastic, I'll start looking for ideas now! BTW- this is the wedding band I've been lusting over, do you think it would work with my ring?
http://www.michaelcfina.com/engagement-wedding-rings/wedding-bands/ogi-wedding-bands-ltd-platinum-200mm-wedding-band-072A4-PA.html
Could you say something like "Honey, I love how much effort you put into this ring and that means so much to me, but after wearing it these past few months, I've come to realize that it's not something I'm comfortable wearing everyday. This ring is just really heavy and I'd love to have something a little smaller so I can wear it without worrying about it."
have you asked him why he bought such a large piece? perhaps he thought you asked for something small because you didn't want to seem greedy or high maintenance....and maybe he thought he was being extra-special...?
you can sugar coat it all you want, but the heart of the issue is that the ring is pretty, but not something you can handle wearing everyday it sounds like you feel bad that you can't have that symbol on your hand 24/7 and would rather own something smaller and more comfortable that you CAN wear 24/7. you are right -- taking it off so often increases the chance that it is lost, damaged, or stolen. and thats NOT okay.
If he's set on you owning those stones (cuz face it, they're large and gorgeous!), then perhaps you can have them re-set into a necklace or other item that you would be more comfortable wearing. That way he still has bragging rights to the shiny things he picked out for you! Either return/sell it or make it into another piece of jewelry. and then go pick out something smaller and more 'you'.
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[QUOTE]im going to be a cold hard B* about this. haha im sorrrryyyy! but i am absolutely shocked that you feel you cannot tell the person you're going to marry the TRUTH. it has already caused you anxiety and irritation (yes, get tested for an allergy!), and for what? becuase you're too afraid to tell him how you feel? his feelings shouldn't be hurt, and if they are, you can apologize. he loves you and will do anything to make you happy. you shouldn't need to compromise or hide things from him! have you asked him why he bought such a large piece? <strong> perhaps he thought you asked for something small because you didn't want to seem greedy or high maintenance....and maybe he thought he was being extra-special...?</strong> you can sugar coat it all you want, but the heart of the issue is that the ring is pretty, but not something you can handle wearing everyday it sounds like you feel bad that you can't have that symbol on your hand 24/7 and would rather own something smaller and more comfortable that you CAN wear 24/7. you are right -- taking it off so often increases the chance that it is lost, damaged, or stolen. and thats NOT okay. If he's set on you owning those stones (cuz face it, they're large and gorgeous!), then perhaps you can have them re-set into a necklace or other item that you would be more comfortable wearing. That way he still has bragging rights to the shiny things he picked out for you! Either return/sell it or make it into another piece of jewelry. and then go pick out something smaller and more 'you'.
Posted by gymbugmj2k[/QUOTE]
I don't agree with all of this, but definitely with the bolded. I purposely asked for something small because I knew my FI's financial situation was poor, but he went above & beyond my expectations. He actually got me something that I wasn't too crazy about at first, but I adore now. He was so sad thinking that I wasn't going to like it. BEFORE he proposed, he already made an appointment for us to go back to the jeweler after his intended proposal date for me to exchange it. He just 'knew' I wouldn't like it. Even though it wouldn't be my 1st choice, I LOVE it now. It is a perfect representation of him & I. I couldn't bear to change it & crush him.<div>
</div><div>I agree with PP in getting tested for an allergy. That will likely explain everything. I think wearing the ring as a necklace, for now, could be a happy medium (unless it starts itching your neck). </div><div>
</div><div>I totally understand your apprehension on telling your FI. Men are very proud of their ring choices and it can be crushing to hear that you don't like it. I've read quite a few posts on TK where that convo didn't go too well. It has to be done very gently and kindly. Blaming it on a skin allergy is definitely the best route. </div><div>
</div><div>I highly doubt your FI got you this ring just to 'show off'. It seems more like he really wants to give you something that you would never get yourself, but maybe doesn't understand that it doesn't please you. This far in the game, it would be hard to tell him you don't like it. Try to get allergy tested & then make sure you get a wedding band you are comfortable with. Good luck! </div>
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