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Moms and Maids

really confused..

okay i feel like i have whiplash now. A friend of mine was asked to be a bm, gladly said yes, and then asked to step down after having a child (understandable) and saying that being a bm for my wedding would be too much for her at this point. We didn't really speak to each other until two days ago, When we went out to see a football game. ( we decided to give each other some space)  While we were talking she starts asking about getting the bm's numbers to get with them to throw me a shower,etc,etc.

I'm really confused at this point because one minute she doesn't want anything to do with my wedding, and the next she's trying to be a moh. I feel uncomfortable about her doing things like calling my bm's and planning parties for me when she tells me she cant handle standing at the altar with me for thirty minutes. 

Just fyi though, i am grateful for ANY parties thrown in my and fi honor, i just feel like she's asking to be a bm but doesn't want to buy a dress and walk down the aisle (which is all i have asked my bm's to do) but is ok with planning showers and parties.. How do i explain my feelings without sounding rude and ungrateful?  

Re: really confused..

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to really confused..:
    [QUOTE]okay i feel like i have whiplash now. A friend of mine was asked to be a bm, gladly said yes, and then asked to step down after having a child (understandable) and saying that being a bm for my wedding would be too much for her at this point. We didn't really speak to each other until two days ago, When we went out to see a football game. ( we decided to give each other some space)  While we were talking she starts asking about getting the bm's numbers to get with them to throw me a shower,etc,etc. I'm really confused at this point because one minute she doesn't want anything to do with my wedding, and the next she's trying to be a moh. I feel uncomfortable about her doing things like calling my bm's and planning parties for me when she tells me she cant handle standing at the altar with me for thirty minutes.  Just fyi though, i am grateful for ANY parties thrown in my and fi honor, i just feel like she's asking to be a bm but doesn't want to buy a dress and walk down the aisle (which is all i have asked my bm's to do) but is ok with planning showers and parties.. How do i explain my feelings without sounding rude and ungrateful?  
    Posted by JessicaCrystalGailAmerson[/QUOTE]

    It is not an MOH's job to throw parties, so she really isn't trying to take over her role. It could be that she feels bad she had to bow out and wants to do something nice for you, like throwing a shower. Or perhaps she thought before  after she just had the baby that she wouldn't feel up to being in the wedding, but now realized she could have. So she is trying to help out in other ways. People who aren't BM's can also throw showers for you.

    I would be grateful and let her help throw the shower if she wants. You can tell your BMs "My friend ______ had discussed wanting to throw me a shower and had asked for your phone numbers. Is it OK if I pass them on?" I highly doubt she is trying to weasel her way back into your WP. It sounds like she is just trying to be nice.

    If you are truly uncomfortable with her hosting a shower, you can politely decline. However, then (IMO) I think you should decline any showers your BMs or someone else offers to throw, otherwise it will look like a slap in the face to her that you only turned it down because SHE was hosting.


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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If her concern about being a bridesmaid is being able to stand for 30 minutes, get her a chair.  Easy solution.  However, at this point I would not assume she's planning on being a bridesmaid again unless she asks you about dresses.  She's not acting like a MOH by asking about throwing you a shower, the two issues are unrelated.



  • skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't think she's acting like a BM, she's acting like a friend who wants to do something nice for you.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Anyone, except the bride or groom, can throw a shower. Your friend was overwhelmed by the birth of her baby and dropped out of your wedding party. There were hard feeling on both sides, as I remember. It's nice that you have reconciled with your friend. Now that she is feeling more like herself, she probably wants to help out somehow.

    If you feel uncomfortable about her organizing a shower for you, just politely decline. If you hear that someone else is planning a shower, you could give your friend the hosts contact info, so she won't feel excluded. Leave it up to her whether or not she follows through.
                       
  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with pps-- she is just trying to make it up to you for dropping out. What does it hurt if she hosts the shower and not a WP member? They will probably be grateful for the help and financial assistance in throwing the party. 
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  • edited December 2011
    This is how your post sounded to me and please correct me if wrong:
    Asked a friend to be in wedding party.
    Friend had a kid and asked to step down for being overwhelmed with a huge life change.
    You stop talking to her because of this stating you need some space.  Doesn't have time for your stuff.
    She reaches out to you to plan a party to celebrate your happy occasion.
    You want to tell her to back off.  If she doesn't have the time to do all the things you want her to do then don't do anything at all bad friend!

    This gives me the impression that you are acting out of self pity and may need to let go of this resentment and be open to her wanting to give back the way she is able to right now in her life.  

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  • first off just to clarify for you sweetredhead,  we BOTH agreed to giving each other space,not because she could'nt talk wedding with me all day. She has asked to be a bridesmaid again, and i told her it was her decision not mine to make, and she is now a bridesmaid. I'm not wallowing in self pity, i just don't have time for bull**** these days, and if she offers to throw a shower ill let her do whatever she feels comfortable with. thanks for all the advice knotties! 
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