omg please help

missejayne · August 2010

SO I sent out my invites.. followed all the "rules" in addressing the invites, I.E. only putting peoples names (not & guest cause we cant fit them)....

How do I tell a friend, I am sorry I am only inviting you, not your girlfriend I have never met?! I feel horrible having to make that call but comon, how does one just decide to invite a guest.... having heart palpitations!!

danieliza1127 · August 2010

Well, if they are in a relationship, they really should be invited with their significant other, even if it's someone you haven't met. Is this just someone he just started dating or what?

andyandhillary · August 2010

You should invite people's SOs. Is there any way you could accomodate this person?

jnic0319 · August 2010

Sorry but if it's a gf they are a couple and she should be invited, it would be extremely rude of you to break apart a unit like that...please tell me you invited all significant others just didn't give single people guests?

mysticl · August 2010

You usually only eliminate the & guest from people who would just be bringing a random date or are in a casual/new relationship.

banana468 · August 2010

Is this a case of "I didn't know you were in a relationship" or "I choose not to invite people I've never met"?

Either way, apologize for the slight and include the SO.

If you actually intentionally omitted the SO, apologize profusely.

missejayne · August 2010

Um have no clue how long they have been dating. We only invited "guests" if someone was engaged or bought a house together, not just a girlfriend. Our hall can only hold 220... we have 225 invited so at the moment, no I can not fit her. And frankly, how can I tell one friend its ok and my cousin its not ok? I have been invited to weddings without my then boyfriend and so has he without me. I would love to have everyone invite someone but I can not afford it.

georgia_bride09 · August 2010

If this is giving you heart palpitations, I can't imagine how you'll react when people don't RSVP at all and you have to call them. And just FYI, this probably won't be the only person to RSVP with extras.

danieliza1127 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:2b0ac17d-51cb-41de-8cc9-5d795b60cf18">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Um have no clue how long they have been dating. We only invited "guests" if someone was engaged or bought a house together, not just a girlfriend. Our hall can only hold 220... we have 225 invited so at the moment, no I can not fit her. And frankly, how can I tell one friend its ok and my cousin its not ok? I have been invited to weddings without my then boyfriend and so has he without me. I would love to have everyone invite someone but I can not afford it.
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

Well the etiquette is that you invite anyone in an actual relationship. The line you drew about being engaged or having a house together is kind of arbitrary. Hopefully you'll have some "no" responses so you can fit in these significant others who should have been invited in the first place.

This is why we always say to plan for 100% attendance and don't invite more than your venue can hold.

jnic0319 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:2b0ac17d-51cb-41de-8cc9-5d795b60cf18">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Um have no clue how long they have been dating. We only invited "guests" if someone was engaged or bought a house together, not just a girlfriend. Our hall can only hold 220... we have 225 invited so at the moment, no I can not fit her. And frankly, how can I tell one friend its ok and my cousin its not ok? I have been invited to weddings without my then boyfriend and so has he without me. I would love to have everyone invite someone but I can not afford it.
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

Well get prepared for a lot of people to RSVP for 2. I dated FI 4.5 years prior to getting engaged, anything past 6 months if he wasn't invited I wouldn't be coming either and I would side eye you big time. You probably should have thought about this long before inviting more than your venue even holds. Since you have already gone over your limit I would explain the situation to said friend (and the other 50 people who will do the same thing) and be prepared for a lot of them not to come. Also, I really hope you gave your bridal party all dates, because if you didn't then you really crossed the line.

andy71781 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:2b0ac17d-51cb-41de-8cc9-5d795b60cf18">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Um have no clue how long they have been dating. We only invited "guests" if someone was engaged or bought a house together, not just a girlfriend. Our hall can only hold 220... we have 225 invited so at the moment, no I can not fit her. And frankly, how can I tell one friend its ok and my cousin its not ok? I have been invited to weddings without my then boyfriend and so has he without me. I would love to have everyone invite someone but I can not afford it.
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

ok take a deep breath. I'm going to say that you shouldn't do anything until you have a couple more RSVPs come in. My guess is that you'll have some no's and can accomodate. The fact of the matter is that etiquette provides that you should invite SOs - not just people who are married.

jnic0319 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:3e5f4e01-9c09-4915-b2c0-dc65f7ddb02f">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: omg please help : ok take a deep breath. I'm going to say that you shouldn't do anything until you have a couple more RSVPs come in. My guess is that you'll have some no's and can accomodate. The fact of the matter is that etiquette provides that you should invite SOs - not just people who are married.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

The problem is OP didn't invite ANY S/O's that weren't engaged, married or had bought a house together. So she's going to have to have a lot of no responses to accommodate them.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:2b0ac17d-51cb-41de-8cc9-5d795b60cf18">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Um have no clue how long they have been dating. We only invited "guests" if someone was engaged or bought a house together, not just a girlfriend. Our hall can only hold 220... we have 225 invited so at the moment, no I can not fit her. And frankly, how can I tell one friend its ok and my cousin its not ok? I have been invited to weddings without my then boyfriend and so has he without me. I would love to have everyone invite someone but I can not afford it.
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

Well, that was your mistake. People who are in relationships should be treated like a social unit and invited together. You should either hope for declines or start shopping for another venue.

You don't tell your cousin it's not okay. If you invited anyone else without their girlfriend/boyfriend and they ask about it, you apologize and tell them that of course their SO is invited. Just because you've seen other people do it doesn't make it not rude.

winnipegk · August 2010

Yeah I'm not sure the "engaged or bought a house" line is the best line to draw...I was with my boyfriend for 8 years before we did either of those things, but our relationship was just as significant as our friends who had been married in a shorter period of time! I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if he were invited to a wedding and I wasn't allowed to go.

That said, you've already drawn that line so you need to decide how you're going to answer this because I'm sure you'll have other people who will RSVP with a date you didn't include...

Do you have lots of OOT people who might not be able to make it, and will bring down your final count?

banana468 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:2b0ac17d-51cb-41de-8cc9-5d795b60cf18">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Um have no clue how long they have been dating. We only invited "guests" if someone was engaged or bought a house together, not just a girlfriend. Our hall can only hold 220... we have 225 invited so at the moment, no I can not fit her. And frankly, how can I tell one friend its ok and my cousin its not ok? I have been invited to weddings without my then boyfriend and so has he without me. I would love to have everyone invite someone but I can not afford it.
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

Ditto Dani.

Honestly, your cut off really is arbitrary and I'd interpret it as rather rude. DH and I dated for 2 and a half years before getting engaged. We were quite serious after just a few months. Does that mean that our friends who were engaged after a year and (before DH proposed) should have been invited to events as a unit but I should have been left off the guest list? The reasoning doesn't really make sense and it can lead to a lot of hurt feelings.

It's great that you didn't have hurt feelings when your BF wasn't invited to events where you were invited, but that it was done was still rude on the parts of others. You shouldn't be continuing the bad behavior just because it was done before.

Also, did you already send invitations for a wedding that's over two months away? I'm a little confused.

missejayne · August 2010

ya know what... once again this board dissappoints me. I generally need help. Just some advice that another bride has had to deal with this. I can not allow one person and not 15 others to bring dates. Its rude to the rest of them. Its rude to me to assume I can afford these people... and frankly I had to cut other friends and co workers to just fit who I did invite... so if I can invite someone else on that list, its going to be someone I know, and want there, like a college friend, or a co worker.

thanks girls

noodle_oo · August 2010

Well, here's my practical advice:

The fact is, you really should have invited people in serious relationships, even if they aren't engaged or living together. But at this point, you can't since you are already over your limit. So you are just going to have to make the awkward phone call and say, "I'm very sorry, but due to space limitations, we only invited guests SO's who are engaged or living together, so we cannot accommodate your girlfriend. I really hope you can make it anyway."

Just fess up and be honest. Is it good etiquette? Nope. A bunch will probably choose not to come. But you can't fit them anyway, so what else can you do?

Good luck!

jnic0319 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:0ee3fbbc-41db-41aa-879e-a8f47d51c31b">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]ya know what... once again this board dissappoints me. I generally need help. Just some advice that another bride has had to deal with this. I can not allow one person and not 15 others to bring dates. Its rude to the rest of them. Its rude to me to assume I can afford these people... and frankly I had to cut other friends and co workers to just fit who I did invite... so if I can invite someone else on that list, its going to be someone I know, and want there, like a college friend, or a co worker. thanks girls
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

People were genuinely giving you the best advice they could for your circumstances, it's just not what you wanted to hear.

danieliza1127 · August 2010

I'm sorry you feel disappointed with our responses, but we're telling you what true etiquette is. You messed up and seeing ALL of us say that should clue you in to that fact.

My genuine advice is to wait a week or two and see if you get some "no" responses that will free up space for these people to bring their significant others. If that doesn't happen, then unfortunately you'll just have to call them and explain that the invitation was for them only, not their date. Just realize that you may have some friends and family decline to come because you're excluding their partner.

banana468 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:0ee3fbbc-41db-41aa-879e-a8f47d51c31b">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]ya know what... once again this board dissappoints me. I generally need help. Just some advice that another bride has had to deal with this. I can not allow one person and not 15 others to bring dates. Its rude to the rest of them. Its rude to me to assume I can afford these people... and frankly I had to cut other friends and co workers to just fit who I did invite... so if I can invite someone else on that list, its going to be someone I know, and want there, like a college friend, or a co worker. thanks girls
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

Here's the thing though - once you turn your wedding into a social event, you need to stick to established social rules. Following etiquette means not making up your own rules or it can lead to a lot of hurt feelings.

You can certainly say, "I'm so sorry but the invitation was just to you and not your girlfriend," however you also need to be prepared for the repercussions that come with the decision that you and your FI have made.

When you break these established social rules, you have to understand that others can and will be hurt as a result of those actions.

georgia_bride09 · August 2010

[QUOTE]ya know what... once again this board dissappoints me. I generally need help. Just some advice that another bride has had to deal with this. I can not allow one person and not 15 others to bring dates. Its rude to the rest of them. Its rude to me to assume I can afford these people... and frankly I had to cut other friends and co workers to just fit who I did invite... so if I can invite someone else on that list, its going to be someone I know, and want there, like a college friend, or a co worker. thanks girls
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

Sorry we couldn't validate your initial rudeness at leaving S/O's off the guest list in the first place. Maybe try Brides.com or weddingwire.

jnic0319 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:6d6598e6-21a4-45bc-8783-174ceb08693e">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: omg please help : Your invites are already out for a Oct. 10 wedding? Have fun with your B list...
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Wow I totally missed that part. Mine is 10/23 and I'm not sending invites out for 3 more weeks.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:6d6598e6-21a4-45bc-8783-174ceb08693e">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: omg please help : Your invites are already out for a Oct. 10 wedding? Have fun with your B list...
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

October is my club board and almost everyone has sent their invitations in the past few weeks. I feel SO behind because mine aren't going out until this weekend at the earliest (which my mom still thinks is too early). I know, I know, 6-8 weeks is actually correct...

Simply Fated · August 2010

So, what you really want is validation and not advice, am I right?

off-topic but....
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:6d6598e6-21a4-45bc-8783-174ceb08693e">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: omg please help : Your invites are already out for a Oct. 10 wedding? Have fun with your B list...
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
.... wait, really? That's early? I think I'm on the A List to my friend's wedding...

Simply Fated · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:23191473-ddd8-44d4-8d7f-c35ed60ab1de">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Fated, this made me think she has a B list, " so if I can invite someone else on that list, its going to be someone I know, and want there, like a college friend, or a co worker."
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]
oh ok, I thought you were basing that off the date alone. I got an invite about a month ago for an October wedding and I'm already having issues with one aspect of the wedding. I can't imagine her having A/B lists, though.

JenO24 · August 2010

OP - You asked for advice on a public forum.
Don't get your panties in a wad b/c you didn't get the reactions you wanted.
You can't expect people to not comment on bad etiquette.

blipsettpr · August 2010

Hi,

I actually can relate. We have just as many people coming to our wedding and on our invite list. I have already came straight out and told my friends that if I do not know the person or if it will be someone random then they can't bring someone. Most people understand that weddings are expensive and there are only limited seating.

I just had this arguement with my sister. she wants me to invite some of her friends which I do not mind doing but I refuse to have them bring random dates.

I think you should call them and explain that the invitation was for them only because of the limited space in the hall. Maybe if they know someone else who is coming alone you can mention that and say that they can be seated together. I am sitting some of my single friends together because then they can all be with each other without realizing they don't have dates.

I understand peoples dismay, but in reality it is your wedding and you have to do what is best for you. If you have a limit in the hall you need to make sure that it is filled with the people that is most special to you.

banana468 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:84ce8742-35bf-4108-909b-a42c7a562711">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I actually can relate. We have just as many people coming to our wedding and on our invite list. I have already came straight out and told my friends that if I do not know the person or if it will be someone random then they can't bring someone. Most people understand that weddings are expensive and there are only limited seating. I just had this arguement with my sister. she wants me to invite some of her friends which I do not mind doing but I refuse to have them bring random dates. I think you should call them and explain that the invitation was for them only because of the limited space in the hall. Maybe if they know someone else who is coming alone you can mention that and say that they can be seated together. I am sitting some of my single friends together because then they can all be with each other without realizing they don't have dates. I understand peoples dismay, but in reality it is your wedding and you have to do what is best for you. If you have a limit in the hall you need to make sure that it is filled with the people that is most special to you.
Posted by blipsettpr[/QUOTE]

There's a huge difference between no random dates and not allowing SOs.

To make the arbitrary cut off that one needs to be engaged or living with the SO is marginalizing a ton of other people who are in long term relationships.

It's fine to not invite people to bring just a date. It's not fine to say that an established SO isn't welcome.

direy25 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:84ce8742-35bf-4108-909b-a42c7a562711">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I actually can relate. We have just as many people coming to our wedding and on our invite list. I have already came straight out and told my friends that if I do not know the person or if it will be someone random then they can't bring someone. Most people understand that weddings are expensive and there are only limited seating. I just had this arguement with my sister. she wants me to invite some of her friends which I do not mind doing but I refuse to have them bring random dates. I think you should call them and explain that the invitation was for them only because of the limited space in the hall. Maybe if they know someone else who is coming alone you can mention that and say that they can be seated together. I am sitting some of my single friends together because then they can all be with each other without realizing they don't have dates. I understand peoples dismay, but in reality it is your wedding and you have to do what is best for you. If you have a limit in the hall you need to make sure that it is filled with the people that is most special to you.
Posted by blipsettpr[/QUOTE]
So are you saying it's more important for you to have some of your sister's friends at your wedding vs. having the people that are special to you be able to bring their significant other?

redheadfsu · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_omg-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b90ef2d5-f713-47da-85a3-cd986b9692c9Post:0ee3fbbc-41db-41aa-879e-a8f47d51c31b">Re: omg please help</a>:
[QUOTE]ya know what... once again this board dissappoints me. I generally need help. Just some advice that another bride has had to deal with this. I can not allow one person and not 15 others to bring dates. Its rude to the rest of them. Its rude to me to assume I can afford these people... and frankly I had to cut other friends and co workers to just fit who I did invite... so if I can invite someone else on that list, its going to be someone I know, and want there, like a college friend, or a co worker. thanks girls
Posted by missejayne[/QUOTE]

You asked. They told you the truth. Seriously, you were in the wrong.
You are either going to get people adding their SOs to the invite or tons of declines b/c people are offended (which they deserve to be). The truth hurts. If I was in your friend's shoes I would decline & send a crappy gift.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

I mean it sucks all around. It sounds like your way over your head in invites versus what you can actually accommodate. That's the main problem here.

It is YOUR wedding. You invite who you want to invite. Personally, in MY social circles, no one expects to be invited to a wedding for people they've never met. Usually it's done as a courtesy, but if my FI is invited to a wedding for a random friend that I don't even know...I don't care that much. I don't know them, they don't know me, I will most likely not even go. It would probably be weird since I'd probably only know the FI and I don't like going to big parties if I don't know at least enough people to mingle for a few hours. Not fun. I also think it's a little ridiculous to be labled as a unit with my FI nor do I feel entitled to be invited to every single damn thing he's invited to. But that really is just my personal issue, it's not a social norm and I'm not claiming that it is.

But everyone is different. Some take etiquette very seriously. Some (most) don't really know each and every single rule of the etiquette hand book and only find out because their grandmother's have a come to Jesus meeting with them.

I think your "or bought a house thing" is a little silly. You should have just said "we are only inviting married couples". Otherwise, if we don't know them, they're not invited. You would have still been breaking etiquette, but the "standard" would have been less strange and a little easier for people to digest.

At this point, there's not much you can do about it, other than explain your line and pray that it won't turn into a huge drama fest.

omg please help

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