End friendship over wedding???

CLEKO · May 2011

No I did not ask her to be in the WP. I asked if it was going to be a big wedding or something small and intimate. She said it would be small, no bridal party, just a maid of honor. But if she did have a full party, I would be included. I wasn't even that offended about not being asked to be in it. I was offended that she lied to me about it, and then later asked me about how much I paid for my hair as a BM in a wedding I was in recently bc she needed to get her BMs hair done.

baystateapple · May 2011

This just sounds like one giant clusterfuck to me.

My cousin is getting married on my dad's birthday this year. My dad is stoked that there is free booze and dinner that night.

MissKate2011 · May 2011

I think that since she won't talk to you then you should write her a letter.

She'll have no choice but to read it and can't interrupt you. I find it's the best way to get your point across to someone who isn't listening.

Make sure you don't come across as attacking her though cause it will only make things worse. Ex: Don't write You always do this or you never do this... write I sometimes feel like ...

LoveMuffins · May 2011

Personally I think it sounds like the bride is being a bit ridiculous. Lying for no good reason about why you're not in the BP when you didn't even ask, hounding you a week before the RSVP date for whether or not you're going to come, saying that you're not her friend because you weren't going to the come to the reception, and then being a jerk about refusing to talk to you about it even though you're reaching out and apologizing and trying to make it right.

If that's really what's going on, then to be honest i'd probably write her off as a friend. Sure, some of it might be wedding craziness... but no matter what your reason, you are not REQUIRED to attend the reception. Might it have gone off better if you hadn't told her why? maybe. But an invitation is not a summonings, and I'm kind of surprised that so many brides are saying they think you should attend both. I don't care what your reason is; attending the reception is not a requirement for a wedding, and definitely not for a friendship.

That being said, if you really weren't going to know anyone else there, I can understand why you wouldn't want to spend the night of your birthday at a big party for someone else where you're surrounded by people you've met once. Even if you have ONE of your friends there... I'd rather be with a BUNCH of my friends than just one. Still, I do think that it's maybe not the best reason in the world... but as i've said, i don't think you should have to explain your reasoning to anyone anyway. You should be able to say "I'm coming to the ceremony because I really want to see you get married, but unfortunately I will be unable to attend the reception" without having the bride end the friendship.

If you want to keep trying to talk to someone who, if everything you've said is true and you haven't slanted it to make yourself look better, is completely writing you off for no good reason and has made you feel like your relationship with her is unimportant, that's up to you. But I think it sounds like you're justified in not trying to reach out anymore... if she doesn't want to talk to you right now to the point where she won't even answer the phone but only resonds via text, then i'd wait for her to decide she's ready to talk to you and come to you to let you know that.

meep2 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:056152d6-13ad-4680-93ad-1f5c16212833">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]Whatever, people choose not to attend weddings for lots of reasons. Maybe there's a sports game on TV they can't miss. Their choice. Invitations are optional, no one is being forced to come to the reception.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Exactly. Thank you. This is getting ridiculous. The friend said she wouldn't be hurt (since it appears that this was a last-minute shindig at best), OP committed the crime of taking her at her word not only at that but also with her lies about the WP, and now that she doesn't feel like going to an event where she's already been insulted once she's being childish? It's not a requirement to go, or even to offer an excuse. It is NICE to do so, and supportive as a friend, but it sounds like this friendship is a wash anyway.

BTW, we still celebrate my parents' birthdays, and my grandparents' birthdays. We don't throw a giant celebration, but we usually have presents and dinner. People get so wrapped up in their own lives that it can be nice to just step back and give a person special to you attention that day, or to step back from your obligations and have one day a year reserved for you. It's sort of transferred from Name Days, which used to be more important in a lot of cultures. It sounds like OP is single, and maybe after some of the other posters are far enough removed from their own weddings they'll remember what it was like not to have had a huge day dedicated to them. Her choice if she wants to go get drinks with other friends.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:b32f8774-f056-42b5-8b18-5e92ec7afb97">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]This just sounds like one giant clusterfuck to me. My cousin is getting married on my dad's birthday this year. My dad is stoked that there is free booze and dinner that night.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

My cousin also got married on my dad's birthday AND we had to travel for it. And my dad was fine with it. To be fair, his birthday is usually on or around Labor Day weekend, which is popular for weddings.

AbbeyS2011 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:2c2a8e95-fbc7-4360-9d7d-df586be63d7d">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]Again with the birthdays! Blows my mind, I'm tellin' ya.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

LOL, guess I royally messed up - I was born on my Aunt and Uncle's first wedding anniversary! Every year I mail them an anniversary card <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />.

I would love to attend a wedding on my birthday - in fact, one year I attended two of them on the same day - my roommate's and my cousin's!

catchmeblue70 · May 2011

Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I would do the exact same thing CLEKO is. Not everyone wants to avoid their birthday after the "big ones" or spend it alone at a wedding reception of a "friend" that lied to you. She said she would go to the wedding, which should be the most important part; you're there to celebrate and witness your friend and her future husband commit to each other. I agree with some of the PP's that it's not worth losing a friendship over, but until the "friend" is ready to talk to you it might have to be put on hold.

StacyJenniges · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:e7d6dc0c-8a15-4b6d-963c-21746804f7f9">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I would do the exact same thing CLEKO is. Not everyone wants to avoid their birthday after the "big ones" or spend it alone at a wedding reception of a "friend" that lied to you. <strong>She said she would go to the wedding, which should be the most important part; you're there to celebrate and witness your friend and her future husband commit to each other.</strong> I agree with some of the PP's that it's not worth losing a friendship over, but until the "friend" is ready to talk to you it might have to be put on hold.
Posted by catchmeblue70[/QUOTE]

I agree, people usually do the opposite skip the "Boring Cermony" (words of my father) and attend the reception for free food, and sometimes free drinks. I think it's great that you want to attend the ceremony and watch your friend get married.

lyndausvi · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:e7d6dc0c-8a15-4b6d-963c-21746804f7f9">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I would do the exact same thing CLEKO is. Not everyone wants to avoid their birthday after the "big ones" or spend it alone at a wedding reception of a "friend" that lied to you. She said she would go to the wedding, which should be the most important part; you're there to celebrate and witness your friend and her future husband commit to each other. I agree with some of the PP's that it's not worth losing a friendship over, but until the "friend" is ready to talk to you it might have to be put on hold.
Posted by catchmeblue70[/QUOTE]

<div>I get what you are saying. But even she agreed that if she was in the wedding she would attend the whole event. IMO she is not attending the reception because she is hurt she was not asked. </div><div>
</div><div>If I'm close enough to be hurt I'm not in the WP, I should be close enough to attend the reception, even if it's only for a little while. </div><div>
</div><div>If this was a distant friend, co-worker or even a distant relative then I would have a different opinion.</div>

redheadtmk · May 2011

I personally would not be upset if a close friend only attended the ceremony and not the reception. There are literally 1000's of posts on these boards telling people to "just invite so and so, becuase you will be so busy you wont even notice they are there". In all honesty her friend probably wont even have time to notice she is not at the reception. She is not part of the WP so realistically, how much time would they spend together?

Birthday or not I would not want to spend an evening alone with a room full of strangers.

ajroark · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:4eab71ff-cf8b-4079-b231-b28327fae3bd">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I think it sounds like the bride is being a bit ridiculous. Lying for no good reason about why you're not in the BP when you didn't even ask, hounding you a week before the RSVP date for whether or not you're going to come, saying that you're not her friend because you weren't going to the come to the reception, and then being a jerk about refusing to talk to you about it even though you're reaching out and apologizing and trying to make it right. If that's really what's going on, then to be honest i'd probably write her off as a friend. Sure, some of it might be wedding craziness... but no matter what your reason, you are not REQUIRED to attend the reception. Might it have gone off better if you hadn't told her why? maybe. But an invitation is not a summonings, and I'm kind of surprised that so many brides are saying they think you should attend both. I don't care what your reason is; attending the reception is not a requirement for a wedding, and definitely not for a friendship. That being said, if you really weren't going to know anyone else there, I can understand why you wouldn't want to spend the night of your birthday at a big party for someone else where you're surrounded by people you've met once. Even if you have ONE of your friends there... I'd rather be with a BUNCH of my friends than just one. Still, I do think that it's maybe not the best reason in the world... but as i've said, i don't think you should have to explain your reasoning to anyone anyway. You should be able to say "I'm coming to the ceremony because I really want to see you get married, but unfortunately I will be unable to attend the reception" without having the bride end the friendship. If you want to keep trying to talk to someone who, if everything you've said is true and you haven't slanted it to make yourself look better, is completely writing you off for no good reason and has made you feel like your relationship with her is unimportant, that's up to you. But I think it sounds like you're justified in not trying to reach out anymore... if she doesn't want to talk to you right now to the point where she won't even answer the phone but only resonds via text, then i'd wait for her to decide she's ready to talk to you and come to you to let you know that.
Posted by LoveMuffins[/QUOTE]

I agree with this! Regardless of why she's not attending the reception, it's her choice and none of the bride's business. To end a friendship over this is insane.

kiwisnmangos · May 2011

I think we all agree that there's probably a little more to the story than what was mentioned, and everyone has their faults. She shouldn't have lied to you, yet if you didn't have any birthday plans, then maybe you should have stayed. It just looks like both of you were hurt by each other. Give it some time, and maybe later down the road you two will rekindle your friendship and laugh back at it. You apologized, which was mature of you, but just try to move on from the situation, maybe plan to meet with her one day to talk about it.

dragonwagon · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:04028bd0-a254-4df8-9e1b-d2f734680eb5">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to End friendship over wedding??? : <strong>Well... Unless it's your 16th, 18th, or 21st birthday, you really need to get over that "but its my BIRTHDAY" thing. </strong>Outside that, it would've been nice for her to offer you a plus one, because sitting at a reception where I don't know anyone isn't my idea of fun, birthday or no. There's no way for US to tell you if there is more to this story, sounds like you need to have a serious friendship talk and find out whats going on.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

Seeing as how she never used her birthday as a crutch in this argument, there is nothing for her to get over. She pointed out the birthday part obviously to clarify why the friend would have told her she would understand if she couldn't make it.

OP, from what I can tell, she is not a very good friend. She practically told you that you were invited but wouldn't care if you didn't come. She lied to you. And then she ended the friendship when you decided to come to the ceremony but not stay for the reception. She had her mind made up about you. She was just waiting to the right moment to strike.

Ghoti · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:8bc7c878-870a-4fa9-803e-f2c1ba183ca0">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: End friendship over wedding??? : Seeing as how she never used her birthday as a crutch in this argument, there is nothing for her to get over. She pointed out the birthday part obviously to clarify why the friend would have told her she would understand if she couldn't make it. OP, from what I can tell, she is not a very good friend. She practically told you that you were invited but wouldn't care if you didn't come. She lied to you. And then she ended the friendship when you decided to come to the ceremony but not stay for the reception. She had her mind made up about you. She was just waiting to the right moment to strike.
Posted by dragonwagon[/QUOTE]<div>Did you even read the thread??

</div>

dragonwagon · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:bf48cd69-dd0d-48b2-ae22-fc83b6ab47c1">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: End friendship over wedding??? : Did you even read the thread??
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

Yes, did you?

End friendship over wedding???

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