What to do?

georgia_bride09 · June 2010

[QUOTE]I have no idea why she is acting like this. They have been seperated and divorced for almost 3 years. The kids don't want to upset their mom, so they are dealing with it. Posted by MISSCOURTNEY20[/QUOTE]

So they don't want to upset their mother, but they're willing to upset their father on his wedding day? Okay. Sounds like mom is ruling not only her family, but yours as well. She has more power than she should here, and it is probably because she has always gotten her way.

pooh8402 · June 2010

sorry, I want to add one thing and I may get flamed for it. what I'm seeing here, or actually not seeing, is this: your FI is NOT stepping up to bat for his kids. to him, the avoidance of drama with his ex is more important than having his kids there on his wedding day. that will make a kid feel very loved. [/sarcasm font]

ohwhynot · June 2010

It seems that way to me, too, Pooh. What kind of a message does that send to your kids?

(By the way, I absolutely love your picture. You two looks so delighted.)

NuggetBrain · June 2010

His kids are old enough to kind of make their own choice about attending the wedding. I don't see how their mom can keep them from going.

Knittibell · June 2010

Maybe get a piece of jewelry for each of the kids- a necklace or bracelet or something, and privately give each of them their gift as a token of your new family.

If you have a 15 yo, she could be a jr. Bridesmaid? And the 5 y/o flower girl or ring bearer?

I'd make it very clear to his kids that you really want them to be a part of the day- they're old enough to make their wishes clear to their mother, and any animosity they may have about not being included should be directed at her- not the two of you- provided you make it clear how much you want them involved. If she won't let them attend, then I'd say something in speeches about how you're sad all the children could not join you today, but how much you're looking forward to your new larger family, etc...
Good luck!

I Want Cake · June 2010

So is it that the kids can go but aren't allowed to be part of the ceremony, or their mom isn't letting them go at all? If it's the former, the ex really doesn't have a say. If it's the latter, well, get thee to court! Like Ohwhynot said, a parenting time agreement is something that you should have anyway because it protects both parties' asses when these things come up.

Still, it seems pretty damn petty that the ex isn't happy so your FI isn't allowed to be, either. What a controlling bitch she is. She's only acting like this because she knows that nobody wants to cross her, so it's only for intimidation. My mom does this kind of thing, too, and it's childish. It's really sad that people put up with this kind of behavior to avoid drama, even when they're in the right. My FI's brother's ex does the same thing with their daughter, and she can be such a bitch she's scared everyone away from even trying to reason with her. She even asked FI's brother to give up his parental rights while he was in Iraq fighting in the damn war.

aragx6 · June 2010

Is it possible that the kids really don't want to be a part of this?

I would not have wanted to be a particpant in my father and his 2nd wife's wedding, and I wouldn't be surprised if they felt the same way.

That's not to say they don't like you or that they don't support their dad's decision, but it's a hard day for kids. Thankkfully my dad and step-mom went to the courthouse over their lunch break.

katiewhompus · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:30da5bd9-0cdc-46d9-8889-c919211b100aPost:224518db-2712-4d47-88ab-de6758c620d8">Re: What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Is it possible that the kids really don't want to be a part of this? I would not have wanted to be a particpant in my father and his 2nd wife's wedding, and I wouldn't be surprised if they felt the same way</strong>. That's not to say they don't like you or that they don't support their dad's decision, but it's a hard day for kids. Thankkfully my dad and step-mom went to the courthouse over their lunch break.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

This is something to consider, especially with the kids being older.

Pooh, you look pretty...:)

srkropf · June 2010

I don't know how soon it is to the wedding, but can you FH talk to his lawyer to see if it can go to court-- because this seems like a really STUPID move by his ex. Otherwise I would do it with the kids you do have and then have another sand with all the kids later.

TheCranberry · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30da5bd9-0cdc-46d9-8889-c919211b100aPost:224518db-2712-4d47-88ab-de6758c620d8">Re: What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it possible that the kids really don't want to be a part of this? I would not have wanted to be a particpant in my father and his 2nd wife's wedding, and I wouldn't be surprised if they felt the same way. That's not to say they don't like you or that they don't support their dad's decision, but it's a hard day for kids. Thankkfully my dad and step-mom went to the courthouse over their lunch break.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Hmmm, this could be the case and the mom is looking like the bad guy because the kids don't want to hurt dad. Can your FI talk to the ex about why she's doing this? If it's just because of her hurt feelings, perhaps she can be pursuaded if she is reminded that it's hurting the kids as well as your FI. If it's because of the kids. your FI should talk to them and reassure them that this new marriage does not mean he is not their dad and that he still loves them, etc, etc. I would suggest that you not be a part of either conversation.

MISSCOURTNEY20 · June 2010

Well, I do agree that she is really bogus for doing this but the kids are still kids and they can't just do what they want to do. They do want to be a part of the wedding, but they can't just go against their mother's wishes/demands.

I am going to talk to FH about the situation again and see if they have talked about the kids, at least being able to come. I think that everyone wants to have as little drama as possible and FH is willing to give up them being a part of the wedding so that there is no drama later. He'll give up that one, yet important, day for more days to be drama free. Get it??

I think we will do the toast at the reception and then do something later with all of the kids. Maybe have one of my church's ministers do a family blessing or something like that.

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