Stepchildren problem.

arringga · February 2013

Here's the deal:

My fianc has a 10 year old daughter. I didn't want to include her in the wedding bc she is an aggressive child that some how always becomes the center of attention. This hopefully will be my first and only wedding and I'm not going to apologize for being selfish and wanting this day to be completely about me and my future husband. I had discussed it with him and told him that I didn't want her in the wedding bc I don't like junior bridesmaids and she is too old to be a flower girl. Instead I was going to have her be the guest book attendant so she will feel included without stealing my spotlight. My FI was fine with that. He said this day is about me and I can do anything I want. I even asked him if his daughter was upset or if it stepped on some toes would he change his opinion, he still insisted that its my day and I can do whatever I want and not to worry about other people bc it's not about them. Anyway when we told his daughter about being the guest book attendant I could tell she was less than thrilled. I felt a little bad but I was relieved to have my FIs support. However a couple days later her mother contacts me saying that his daughter was upset bc she wasn't "in her own daddy's wedding" I was guilted into making her a jr bridesmaid even tho that's not what I wanted. I told my FI about this and he said I shouldn't have let her guilt me. But I'm a bit of a push over and can't say no. Anyway, it blew up in my face a couple of days after that because since I felt guilty, I invited her to go dress shopping with me and my bridesmaids. My FI got upset bc I didn't text him and let him know I had her when he dropped her off. I was busy trying on dresses and didn't have my phone on me and didn't get the messages till after my appointment was over. The point is this is exactly why I didn't want her to be in my wedding bc I feel like I have to babysit her when I need to be concentrating on my planning. Also since now she's in my wedding, my cousins who are under the age of 11 want to be in it and I've told them yes. And now I have 8 bridesmaids which is way too much for a wedding of just 100 guests. I wish I just have had the guts to say no to her when she laid on the guilt. I originally had only four of my close friends has my bridesmaids and I want to be able to enjoy my day without having to babysit her or watch what I say bc there is a child in the room. What should I do?

6fsn · February 2013

You are about to be a stepmother. This wedding may be about you, but this marriage will not be. I would have been very hurt if my father didn't want me in his wedding too.

That said, you need a backbone. Just because your DAUGHTER will be in the wedding does not mean your COUSINS need to be.

kmmssg · February 2013

I've been a stepmom for a very very very long time and I never saw my stepchildren as the inconvenience you portray yours to be. Are you seriously worried about a 10 you taking your spotlight? You know, you are the one wearing the wedding gown, people will know who you are.

Ditto 6 100%

TheMrsC23 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stepchildren-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:22531d53-e106-40f8-9783-7061bf3188e6Post:6c97d1d1-34fd-419f-b77d-2edf20e735b5">Stepchildren problem.</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the deal: My fianc has a 10 year old daughter. I didn't want to include her in the wedding bc she is an aggressive child that some how always becomes the center of attention. This hopefully will be my first and only wedding and I'm not going to apologize for being selfish and wanting this day to be completely about me and my future husband. I had discussed it with him and told him that I didn't want her in the wedding bc I don't like junior bridesmaids and she is too old to be a flower girl. Instead I was going to have her be the guest book attendant so she will feel included without stealing my spotlight. My FI was fine with that. He said this day is about me and I can do anything I want. I even asked him if his daughter was upset or if it stepped on some toes would he change his opinion, he still insisted that its my day and I can do whatever I want and not to worry about other people bc it's not about them. Anyway when we told his daughter about being the guest book attendant I could tell she was less than thrilled. I felt a little bad but I was relieved to have my FIs support. However a couple days later her mother contacts me saying that his daughter was upset bc she wasn't "in her own daddy's wedding" I was guilted into making her a jr bridesmaid even tho that's not what I wanted. I told my FI about this and he said I shouldn't have let her guilt me. But I'm a bit of a push over and can't say no. Anyway, it blew up in my face a couple of days after that because since I felt guilty, I invited her to go dress shopping with me and my bridesmaids. My FI got upset bc I didn't text him and let him know I had her when he dropped her off. I was busy trying on dresses and didn't have my phone on me and didn't get the messages till after my appointment was over. The point is this is exactly why I didn't want her to be in my wedding bc I feel like I have to babysit her when I need to be concentrating on my planning. Also since now she's in my wedding, my cousins who are under the age of 11 want to be in it and I've told them yes. And now I have 8 bridesmaids which is way too much for a wedding of just 100 guests. I wish I just have had the guts to say no to her when she laid on the guilt. I originally had only four of my close friends has my bridesmaids and I want to be able to enjoy my day without having to babysit her or watch what I say bc there is a child in the room.<strong> What should I do?</strong>
Posted by arringga[/QUOTE]

Um, not marry your FI if you're going to be such a monster to his child because when you marry someone with children it's a package deal?

TKzilla · February 2013

This wedding is not "all about you". It's about you and your FI and the family you are about to become. That includes his daughter. If you can't adapt to be part of the family that existed LONG before you came along, you should really reconsider this marriage.

And really? Guest book attendent? So she's just going to stand there and say "Please sign the guest book for my dad and step-monster"? You couldn't even let her do a reading or something of significance?!

dharmabunny · February 2013

The more I try to type a response, the sadder I am for your STB stepdaughter. I have a feeling that this one time "selfish" event is going to become far more of a regular pattern. If you can't cede that kind of attention to anyone else, it's best to rethink this entire relationship

tawillers · February 2013

You sound awful. I'm sorry, you do. Read what you wrote.

You got mad at a 10 yo because your FI got mad at you for not answering your phone while she was in your care. Maybe you didn't get mad AT her, but you were definitely resentful of her presence.

You really need to reconsider this marriage. You do not sound ready to be a mother. Oh, she somehow gets all the attention? SHE'S TEN YEARS OLD. That's why it happens.

I'd take a break from planning, push that wedding back, and have some conversations with your FI about getting into some parenting classes. You need some understanding of children and how their minds work. Learn about their behaviors and why you can't expect adult/mature reactions from them.

I really hope you do something to make this situation better for everyone. You clearly aren't ready for it right now.

*Barbie* · February 2013

I'm sure it's tough on this poor 10yo girl to be getting a stepmonster who is only 8 years her senior - given your attitude, there's no way you're going to convince me that you're not a spoiled teenager.

pegasuskat · February 2013

I have step-parents and they were a lot like you, and I grew up always feeling like I was in the way at both houses. Your the problem, not the little girl. You need to step away from this marriage, you are NOT cut out to be a step-mother.

Having her in the wedding should be a given, having your cousins, NO. I don't even see how you could think they are remotely the same thing. I guess your just using it as another excuse to blame something on the SD, if she wasn't in it they wouldn't have to be. Read what you wrote carefully, you have a real pattern of blaming everything on her....

tawillers · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stepchildren-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:22531d53-e106-40f8-9783-7061bf3188e6Post:1ba2fb27-0965-491c-8332-bc7caa533185">Re:Stepchildren problem.</a>:
[QUOTE]The more I try to type a response, <strong>the sadder I am for your STB stepdaughter</strong>. I have a feeling that this one time "selfish" event is going to become far more of a regular pattern. If you can't cede that kind of attention to anyone else, it's best to rethink this entire relationship
Posted by dharmabunny[/QUOTE]

Same here dharma. I can't stop thinking about this. It's totally fine and acceptable if the OP isn't ready to be a mother, but she needs to admit it now and wait until she's ready. Jumping into this now would be unfair to the step-daughter, her fiance and herself.

GBCK · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stepchildren-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:22531d53-e106-40f8-9783-7061bf3188e6Post:6c97d1d1-34fd-419f-b77d-2edf20e735b5">Stepchildren problem.</a>:
[QUOTE]... This hopefully will be my first and only wedding and I'm not going to apologize for being selfish and wanting this day to be completely about me and my future husband....I can do whatever I want and not to worry about other people bc it's not about them<div>[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Well, you should aplogize for it. Because someone w/ a child doesn't have the luxury of being selfish. He has a child and, assuming you marry him, so do you.</div><div>
</div><div>If it's JUST about the 2 of you, you wouldn't have a wedding, you'd just elope. So....yeah, no.</div><div>
</div><div>And even w/o guests...it's about you and he and her forming a family. It's about her too. There's room in the spotlight.</div><div>
</div><div>And, FWIW, parents and step parents don't "babysit". My husband isn't "babysitting" his kid today. You aren't "babysitting" your STB step-daughter. You are taking care of a kid you have a responsibility for.</div><div>And, YES, telling everyone who has the reason to know where the kid in question is is important and you should feel bad for not doing so.</div><div>
</div><div>And...you say you have no spine and can't say 'no' to anyone? Good luck w/ that while step-parenting a tween.</div><div>Maybe practice saying YES to your STB step-daughter and "no" to everyone else for a few days.</div><div>
</div>

ashanty123 · February 2013

I'm sorry everyone is hating on you. We don't know the whole story but they do have a point. This little girl is going to be in your life and it would be nice for you and her and your relationship together to involve her. You are marrying this little girls daddy and if you really think about it she has more of a right to be in the wedding than your friends or his. When you have children you will see. And why is 10 too old to be a flower girl? I helped raise my little sister (I'm 15 years older) and she will be a few days shy of 10 at our wedding and she is the flower girl. I love her more than anything and can't think of a better or cuter person to do it. I'd rather have her do it than a random three year old. If you really don't want junior bridesmaids have n honest conversation with all the little girls and their parents and say you are sorry but they can't all be bridesmaids. And if I were you I would have your step-daughter be your flower girl. Flower girls get lots of attention and feel very special but don't need to stand up with you the whole time at the alter where they may get tired. Having a lot of little girls stand next to you may be distracting as they will fidget and talk but your guest won't really mind. Also a flower girl does not take away from your moment and neither will she unless you let the situation get into your head.

TKzilla · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stepchildren-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:22531d53-e106-40f8-9783-7061bf3188e6Post:d6bc6270-7606-474c-b384-be0fb6ad13b5">Re: Stepchildren problem.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry everyone is hating on you. We don't know the whole story but they do have a point. This little girl is going to be in your life and it would be nice for you and her and your relationship together to involve her. You are marrying this little girls daddy and if you really think about it she has more of a right to be in the wedding than your friends or his. When you have children you will see. And why is 10 too old to be a flower girl? I helped raise my little sister (I'm 15 years older) and she will be a few days shy of 10 at our wedding and she is the flower girl. I love her more than anything and can't think of a better or cuter person to do it. I'd rather have her do it than a random three year old. If you really don't want junior bridesmaids have n honest conversation with all the little girls and their parents and say you are sorry but they can't all be bridesmaids. And if I were you I would have your step-daughter be your flower girl. Flower girls get lots of attention and feel very special but don't need to stand up with you the whole time at the alter where they may get tired. Having a lot of little girls stand next to you may be distracting as they will fidget and talk but your guest won't really mind. Also a flower girl does not take away from your moment and neither will she unless you let the situation get into your head.
Posted by ashanty123[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think anyone's "hating on" her. This woman is excluding her soon-to-be stepdaughter from participating in the wedding and worse, trash talking A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL on the internet.</div><div>
</div><div>I think 10 is too old to be a flower girl. She needs to put her big girl panties on and let the child be a junior bridesmaid. It's just not that big a damn deal. A ten year old will not "get tired" standing at the altar. A ten year old will know to stand still and silent for a wedding. I'd get it, if she was like four... but she's not.</div><div>
</div><div>This child is going to be her stepdaughter. She is starting THAT relationship off on the entirely wrong foot.</div>

BubbsNBubbs · February 2013

My heart hurts for this poor little girl. She is a child and you are the adult. You are NOT cut out to be a step-mother if this if your frame of mind. You are marrying a man with a child...that means you are becoming a family unit. The most unselfish thing for you to do would be to SERIOUSLY reconsider if you can commit to a man who has a child. That means being committed to HER also.

You need to realize that she only has ONE DADDY and the he should be loving her and supporting her. He should have told you she is in the wedding from the jump and really....you should NEVER have even considered NOT having her be part of this.

BubbsNBubbs · February 2013

I know it's the little girl inside of me that had to deal with a similar step-mother my whole life....but I want to start the FFF thread a day early and FFF you for this ALL DAY LONG.

TKzilla · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stepchildren-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:22531d53-e106-40f8-9783-7061bf3188e6Post:63688c29-6761-4b1e-92d0-905d39629605">Re: Stepchildren problem.</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it's the little girl inside of me that had to deal with a similar step-mother my whole life....but I want to start the FFF thread a day early and FFF you for this ALL DAY LONG.
Posted by BubbsNBubbs[/QUOTE]

<div>We can change it to TTT - Talk Trash Thursday :)</div>

ashanty123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stepchildren-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:22531d53-e106-40f8-9783-7061bf3188e6Post:2070ed6d-57ca-4766-a77e-50e8ef22223a">Re: Stepchildren problem.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepchildren problem. : I don't think anyone's "hating on" her. This woman is excluding her soon-to-be stepdaughter from participating in the wedding and worse, trash talking A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL on the internet. I think 10 is too old to be a flower girl. She needs to put her big girl panties on and let the child be a junior bridesmaid. It's just not that big a damn deal. A ten year old will not "get tired" standing at the altar. A ten year old will know to stand still and silent for a wedding. I'd get it, if she was like four... but she's not. This child is going to be her stepdaughter. She is starting THAT relationship off on the entirely wrong foot.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

I mentioned that I agree with everyone else's comments but I don't think we need to call her names, either. Also, I know the little girl is 10. You don't need to make it caps. I think this is a sad situation but she isn't going to listen to these comments the way they are written. Also, ten is not too old to be a flower girl just like it isn't too young to be a bridesmaid. Weddings are meant as a celebration of love for the family to be involved in. It doesn't matter who plays what role. There are no "rules" on who gets to play what part. Everyone gets to plan their own wedding. I was simply trying to find a different solution as that is what she asked for. And I hope she does and that both she and her step-daughter can be happy about. And hopefully that doesn't include the grooms daughter being a guest book attendant.

mandi195 · February 2013

This is disgustingly horrible. Does you FI know much you despise his daughter, simply for existing and demanding (due to being a child, and all) attention and time that you somehow think is yours? Becuase if he does know how much you resent his daughter, and he still wants to make you a permanent fixture in her life, he's just as nuts as you are, OP.

kmmssg · February 2013

Some additional background:

First link is how FMIL has a good relationship with the mom of the child and it is causing problems.

Second post is from early January where she got some great advice on how to include the little girl in the wedding and has chosen to ignore it.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_monster-in-law-1

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-how-do-i-make-my-fiances-daughter-a-part-of-the-ceremony

arendiva · February 2013

While I personally think it would have been fine to not have her as a brides maid (each person chooses there own side and the groom could have had his daughter be a junior groomsmaid) your attitude towards her in general is abhorrant. I hope you realize that she is his daughter forever and that she is always going to be in his life. You really need to do some soul searching and figure out if being a step mom (or any kind of mom) is in the cards for you.

Pookieson · February 2013

This makes me sad. My 6 year old is in our wedding and FI would never, ever treat her as a "step-child". She is his daughter, he calls her his daughter and our wedding is about family, not about me. You have your priorities out of whack and I think somewhere along the way people told you it was okay to be a selfish bridezilla, but it is not. Especially when a child is involved. The way you are talking about your future stepdaughter makes me wonder if you fully comprehend what it means to be a parent. DD is not FI's biological child and he takes her to school and picks her up when I need him to, goes to softball practice, dance recitals and soccer games, meets up with DD bio dad to drop her off when she visits him and everyone gets along just fine. This is what adults do. You may want to reevaluate your understanding of weddings, marriages, and parenting.

rachelm13 · February 2013

This has got to be the most sad, pathetic and just horrible post I have read on TK.

That says a lot.

I am scared how you would treat your own children.

LizzyRB · February 2013

My dad's now wife didn't ask me to be in their wedding. I told my dad this really hurt; that he wouldn't want his only child to be involved in his wedding. I thought maybe after letting him know that they would ask me to be a part of the big day... well they did. They asked me to read a poem from my seat in the audience. Ouch.

This isn't the single reason, but a big reason my relationship with my dad has never been the same.

Luckily I was in my early 20s and didn't have to deal with her on a day to day basis. I feel horrible for this 10 year old

allychase · February 2013

This is disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. As someone with TWO stepfathers who both call me their own daughter I think I might loathe you from this one post. I cannot IMAGINE if before my mom and 2nd stepdads wedding my stepdad would have been thinking how much of a nuisance I'd be to their wedding day ( I was 11 and a jr bridesmaid and was REALLY excited to be a part of my moms wedding- the idea of them shoving me in the corner instead with the guest book almost makes me cry)

Ditto ALL PP who said you need to rethink marrying this guy. You literally remind me of the nasty gold digging witch from The Parent Trap. You are coming off as the stereotypical evil stepmother and I feel so sorry for your FI daughter. She deserves a step mom who would die for her and love her as one of her own- not retreating to the internet from an anonymous name b*tching about how her stepdaughter steals the spotlight from her and is pretty much a big PITA.

Get yourself some counseling, realize the world DOESN'T revolve around you, even on your wedding day, learn some compassion, grow the EFF up and then consider getting married.

God, I wish your FI could read what you wrote on here about his daughter...

nicoleandersonmd · February 2013

Wow. Even I -the Switzerland of these boards- am thoroughly disgusted and appalled! This is truly a disgusting post. Surely, this cannot be real. Even if a real person truly felt this way, they would have at least the iota of social intelligence to know NEVER to voice this. And your fiancé is just fine with how you behave towards his daughter?!?! This poor girl. You two are totally going to f*** her up in the head so badly!! If I ever expressed even a modicum of this to my fiancé- who also has a 10yo daughter- he would promptly leave me; and such an action would be thoroughly warranted! We had to fight his ex tooth and nail just to get her mother to let her come. Literally, we we had to tell his ex that we would take the issue to court. Fortunately, she finally agreed, but my stepdaughter (whom I actually just refer to as my daughter) will not even be getting to us until 2pm (and the wedding starts at 530). So, since she cant get her hair done with all of us, I hired someone to come to my hotel room to do my daughter's hair while Im getting makeup done/getting dressed! (She REALLY wants her hair dine and showed me a Selena Gomez photo of what she wants...lol). I just cannot fathom being so openly histrionic, immature, inappropriate and cruel. Wow.

Peledreamsofrain · February 2013

Honey, with such a hateful heart, tgis won't be your last wedding. For this little girl's sake, I hope the divorce isn't long in the making. I need to go wash my eyes after reading your filth.

missglinda14 · February 2013

When I was nine, my mom got remarried to my current stepdad. They had a nice JOP wedding, from what I heard. I say it like that because I wasn't allowed to see it. I had to wait in the lobby to take care of my then infant brother, because my stepdad didn't want him crying during the ceremony. To this day my relationship with my stepfather is civil at best and I'm not even sure if I'm inviting him to my wedding at this point. They are getting divorced and if its finalized before invitations go out, his name won't be on one. My point is, you are treating your future stepdaughter like she isn't a part of the relationship with your FI when she very well is. I honestly hope that you read these posts and see what you are doing is so wrong. I hope you start treating his daughter how she should be treated or back out of the wedding because you are not ready to be a mom, step or otherwise.

Stepchildren problem.

Re: Stepchildren problem.

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