How do you divide household chores/Am I just being a bitchh?

seesawgirl · February 2012

This morning, I got a call from my client saying that I didn't need to come in today because it snowed, so I had an unexpected day off. FI is getting ready for work, while I'm spending a little extra time in bed, since, hey, there's snow on the ground, and I have the day off.

Right before he leaves for work, (7:30 ish) FI calls from the kitchen "So, what housework are you planning on getting done today?", which, pissed me off. I refuse to respond to the question, and instead tell him, "It really makes me mad when you ask me questions like that. I feel like you think I don't do anything around the house." FI proceeds to get huffy, gives me a perfunctory kiss goodbye, and rushes out the door, obviously pissed off.

The reason why this irritates me, is because I am the only one who cleans our extremely small/easily cluttered apartment. For a while we had a pretty good groove going with dividing the household chores, I''d cook, he'd load the dishwasher, I'd scrub the kitchen down. He'd load the washer and dryer, I'd fold and put away the clothes, he'd match the socks. As far as the rest of the apartment goes-my job, which is fine, because I'd rather it get done right. The past week or so, however, he has stopped doing anything. I work 2 hours a week less than he does, but for some reason, I wind up taking care of the house, even though the majority of the clutter is his. His random computer parts, his shoes/jacket, his junk mail, his dishes.

Anyways, how would you have responded to something like that at 7:30 in the morning? How do you and you SO divide up household chores, and is it a set thing or do you guys rotate?

cheeseandrice · February 2012

I'd get pissed no matter how much H did, if he straight up asked me what housework I was going to get done on my 'day off.'

Our 'chores' are split pretty equally, I think. We both cook (whoever doesn't cook dinner cleans up after dinner.) I do more of the cleaning and laundry, but he picks up the dog shiit in the backyard and cleans the kitchen floor. In the summer, he does more of the stuff outside around the house, but I mow the lawn too. He always shovels.

lbarr088 · February 2012

FI is off and on about his "duties". Normally he is pretty good but sometimes my definition of "now" and his definition of "now" is completely different. I like things done a certain way and within a reasonable amount of time (if I fold your clothes when I do laundry then you should have them put away by the end of the day... not the end of the week). I usually end up doing most of the stuff to avoid confrontation but ultimately I get pissy, and that's when me magically remembers how to help.

Honestly, the thing that works the most is talking about it. When you make dinner say "Hey, do you think you could help me by doing the dishes?" Or something along those lines. I find a lot of times FI gets distracted so little reminders help. As for your morning situation I'd say something along the lines of "Housework is not only my job. I do ABC on a regular basis and I think it would be beneficial if you start helping me with XYZ."

dmiller9274 · February 2012

That would have pissed me off, too. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do a mo-fo thing all day just to make a point, too.

We split things up pretty evenly I think. I clean the bathroom, he cleans the living room. We both kind of keep things up in the bedrooms, but I do all of the laundry (he's color blind and over loads the washer so I'd rather do it) We split the kitchen duties. He does all of the mowing, shoveling, trimming that kind of stuff in the yard and I take care of the flowers and flower beds. We fight over who has to clean the litter box, and I probably clean it more than he does because my sense of smell is more sensitive and I can't stand to let it go.

K Byte · February 2012

I would be annoyed by that question too, especially at 7:30 in the morning haha. I'll be honest I do most of the housework but I'm also home a lot more than H is. We each do our own laundry (but I usually do all the common stuff like sheets and towels), and H usually cooks dinner (we divide the post-dinner cleanup espeically if there's a lot of it, like he'll do the non-dishwasher dishes and I'll load the dishwasher and wipe down the counters/stove or whatever) but most of the rest of the stuff is on me.

Starmusica · February 2012

Honestly? I think your fiance is being incredibly incredibly disrespectful to you. You are not a slave and this isn't the 50s. Women aren't the sole caretakers of the home. H and I divide it all up but not with a list or set duties. We just each lend eachother a hand. If there is a day the house needs to be cleaned, we each grab a room and get to work. Yes, sometimes I need to nudge him along a bit but I don't at all feel like it's uneven....

I think you need to tell him WHY that question was rude and why it bothers you.

Starmusica · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_how-do-you-divide-household-choresam-i-just-being-a-bitchh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:181ea9db-69d6-42ae-b332-2f09024b65d5Post:bd5a236f-bf23-45c0-8392-82b22b273afb">How do you divide household chores/Am I just being a bitchh?</a>:
[QUOTE]This morning, I got a call from my client saying that I didn't need to come in today because it snowed, so I had an unexpected day off. FI is getting ready for work, while I'm spending a little extra time in bed, since, hey, there's snow on the ground, and I have the day off. Right before he leaves for work, (7:30 ish) FI calls from the kitchen "So, what housework are you planning on getting done today?", which, pissed me off. I refuse to respond to the question, and instead tell him, "It really makes me mad when you ask me questions like that. I feel like you think I don't do anything around the house." FI proceeds to get huffy, gives me a perfunctory kiss goodbye, and rushes out the door, obviously pissed off. The reason why this irritates me, is because I am the only one who cleans our extremely small/easily cluttered apartment. For a while we had a pretty good groove going with dividing the household chores, I''d cook, he'd load the dishwasher, I'd scrub the kitchen down. He'd load the washer and dryer, I'd fold and put away the clothes, he'd match the socks. As far as the rest of the apartment goes-my job, which is fine, because I'd rather it get done right. The past week or so, however, he has stopped doing anything. I work 2 hours a week less than he does, but for some reason, I wind up taking care of the house, even though the majority of the clutter is his. His random computer parts, his shoes/jacket, his junk mail, his dishes. Anyways, how would you have responded to something like that at 7:30 in the morning? How do you and you SO divide up household chores, and is it a set thing or do you guys rotate?
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>jic</div>

shaydenise · February 2012

Yeah, that'd irritate me too, though I'm pretty positive H wouldn't say that to me.

We never really sat down and said, "I'll do this, you do that." It's pretty even though. I cook dinner, he does the dishes, we both unload the dishwasher. He does the laundry, I wash the bedding. We both take out the trash, we both vacuum as need be, we both steam the floors as need be. Neither of us like things to be cluttered or messy or dirty so any time something needs to be done, whoever sees it first just does it.

jennamarie10 · February 2012

not gonna lie, my FI does this to me too. Usually he is the one that gets more irked if things aren't clean, and he usually has to ask me about 7 times before I pick up my shoes.

But yes, I would peeved especially because I like to do things on my own time. If i was granted a day off, you bet your bum I would lay around and watch tv until I was good and ready to get up and do the laundry!

We do try to split things evenly, and we also try to give the other some slack if they are really busy at work, etc.

Good luck!

Nebb · February 2012

Adam and I both ask eachother questions like that, its just expected we will be semi productive on our days off. I typically clean the bathroom, do laundry, put away laundry, tidy up, do groceries (sometimes alone and sometimes with him, but I always put everything away), cooking etc. He has his own specific tasks (garbage and recycling, cleaning up after the dog, yard work, shovelling, etc) and then there are a bunch we share depending on what needs to be done and who is home (vacuuming, dishes, putting away dishes). After living together this long its a non issue.

achiduck · February 2012

I do more of the cooking and all of the sweeping (freaking dog hair) but FI does ALL of the dishes since I hate them.

General tidying is usually done by me and I make the bed since I get up last.

FI helps with laundry and we take turns cleaning the bathroom.

Serendipty11 · February 2012

We pretty evenly divide the stuff that needs to be done. I have to stay on him sometimes, but nothing major. I do end up doing more than he does which can be irritating but he does the things I loathe doing so I try to keep that in mind. Never have either of us asked " So what household chores are you going to do today?" and def not at 7:30 am. You aren't being a biitch, there are much better ways for him to go about that. Besides sometimes we all need a do nothing day, this is yours and he shouldn't be up in arms about it.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

I would be upset too. We usually divide up pretty evenly as well, but when I am actually told to clean up (or told in a passive aggressive way like your FI did), it makes me NOT want to clean at all. I had one of those extra unexpected days right before it was time to come back from Xmas break. My plan, when I realized it, was to clean the apartment from top to bottom and surprise him when he got home. But then, FI did the same thing (so what are you planning on cleaning today?) and it literally made me only clean the stuff I would have normally cleaned. If he came home to a pig sty, I could see why your FI would say something. But it was 7:30 in the morning. You were still in bed. It wasn't necessary.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

I do almost all of the household stuff and H does the outside. He'll help out when needed or if I ask, but for the most part I just do it.

That being said, if he asked me what I was planning tio do, I'd probably not do a damn thing. I don't like the implication that something isn't done right or the assumption that I'm going to be lazy, so lets make a list of my chores right now.

baystateapple · February 2012

Yeah that would piss me off.

This is how we do ours.

H: cleaning the litter box, taking out the trash, vacuuming, drying and putting away dishes, straightening the den, sweeping.

Me: washing dishes, scouring the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, laundry, straightening most of the other rooms.

The only time he ever "shirks" his chores is when he's working an obscene amount of hours and the only time he's home, he's sleeping. But it's rare.

anna.oskar · February 2012

We each have our regular list of individual chores:

Him: shoveling
         mowing
         emptying dishwasher
         laundry
         take trash out
         litterbox

Me:   cooking
         filling the dishwasher
         laundry including linens
         keeping floors vacuumed

Pretty much everything else we just do as we notice it. We're straightening daily as we go. I do slightly more because I'm picky and some of the things he's more than willing to do.. he does crappily. He just has lower standards for things like mirrors and making sure they're not streaky.

acaponi87 · February 2012

We are pretty good about splitting, though I wouldn't say it's even but thats okay. I don't always work everyday so if I have a day off I usually do a big clean..vacuum, dust, etc. FI pays majority of the bills so I am fine doing the big things around the house. We are both pretty clean so on a day to day basis we're fine. We do laundry as a team & almost always clean/do dishes together. We each have our chore that we hate so the other will do that. FI hates to vacuum so I do that and he puts the sheets on the bed for me because it frustrates me to the point of tears (damn fitted sheet!)

egeurts · February 2012

If I were you, I would move stuff around and put it all in the wrong places just to piss him off. And then sit around, watch Thelma and Louise, Fried Green Tomatoes, and Steel Magnolias all day while eating ice cream. But that's just me.

FI and I divide things up pretty evenly. It used to be that he did laudnry and I did dishes, because he refused to wash silverware and I worked retail and folded clothes all day everyday. But then we moved, got a dishwasher, and I quit my job, and now it's the reverse. Now I do laundry because he doesn't fold the clothes right, and he does dishes because with the dishwasher all he has to do is put them away and wash the pots and pans. He cleans the floors because I hate to mop, I make the bed and various other little things because he hates tedious little tasks and would rather do big things (like cleaning the floors). We either alternate on cleaning the bathroom or do it together.

cheeseandrice · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_how-do-you-divide-household-choresam-i-just-being-a-bitchh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:181ea9db-69d6-42ae-b332-2f09024b65d5Post:6512778b-7ad1-433f-9ff4-4d4948e05e8a">Re: How do you divide household chores/Am I just being a bitchh?</a>:
[QUOTE]If I were you, I would move stuff around and put it all in the wrong places just to piss him off. And then sit around, watch Thelma and Louise, Fried Green Tomatoes, and Steel Magnolias all day while eating ice cream.
Posted by egeurts[/QUOTE]

Someone of this maturity level probably isn't ready to be in a long-term committed relationship. You sound more like a 12 year-old child than someone who can work out a disagreement with a partner.

ahhhitsshannyn · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_how-do-you-divide-household-choresam-i-just-being-a-bitchh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:181ea9db-69d6-42ae-b332-2f09024b65d5Post:caeebf36-543f-4880-9c14-60b90e9a9bef">Re: How do you divide household chores/Am I just being a bitchh?</a>:
[QUOTE]Adam and I both ask eachother questions like that,<strong> its just expected we will be semi productive on our days off.</strong> I typically clean the bathroom, do laundry, put away laundry, tidy up, do groceries (sometimes alone and sometimes with him, but I always put everything away), cooking etc. He has his own specific tasks (garbage and recycling, cleaning up after the dog, yard work, shovelling, etc) and then there are a bunch we share depending on what needs to be done and who is home (vacuuming, dishes, putting away dishes). After living together this long its a non issue.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. I am sure he was not saying it to be bitchy, just asking. Sometimes I might ask H if he has plans for the day because I might want him to clean the backyard instead since I can do the dishes quickly when I get home.

cheeseandrice · February 2012

I agree with Nebb too. I mean, we both just expect it and we talk about what stuff we're going to do. But that doesn't sound like one of those times from the OP. Even though H and I have that mutual expectation, I'd still be annoyed if he called me in from another room just to ask what cleaning I was going to do while he was gone. I dunno.

DNAtime · February 2012

I am notoriously cranky in the morning. So I would definitely take something like that the wrong way.
Sometimes DH will ask me stuff like that when I have a day off the night before but never in the morning.

I do a lot more housework that DH, sometimes it irritates me. He is always acommodating when I ask him to do something, though I get wary of always having to ask.

The worst is in the summer, because his chores are supposed to be "outdoor" chores, yet I am in charge of the garden and weeding the beds. So really he is in charge of mowing the lawn. We will definitely be evaluating that this summer.

Also DH has a much greater tolerance for mess than I do ....

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_how-do-you-divide-household-choresam-i-just-being-a-bitchh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:181ea9db-69d6-42ae-b332-2f09024b65d5Post:36384419-5d13-48cd-88bc-3f246ab6ea8d">Re: How do you divide household chores/Am I just being a bitchh?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do you divide household chores/Am I just being a bitchh? : I agree with this. I am sure he was not saying it to be bitchy, just asking. Sometimes I might ask H if he has plans for the day because I might want him to clean the backyard instead since I can do the dishes quickly when I get home.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

I'm on this train.

My husband and I just do things. I grocery shop, he makes some dinners, I make some dinners. If I have time, I'll clean the apartment. If he has time, he'll clean the apartment. If I'm running out of time, I ask him to clean the bathroom or the kitchen. I used to get really stressed out about it, but we have a small apartment that we both contribute to the mess. If there's a large mess (like the dishwasher needs to be emptied and we have all kinds of dirty dishes on the counter), you bet I'm asking if he's going to take care of that on his day off while I go to work.

I guess I need to know more about your relationship to really make some kind of insightful statement instead of a knee-jerk "that ass!" comment.

The one thing I am biitchy about is if you cook dinner, you clean up. I know people think that's unfair, but if I wanted to make a big mess in the kitchen then I would have made dinner. I didn't. I wanted a clean kitchen. You chose to make dinner, you chose to make the mess, you are choosing to clean it up. I know this is quite controversial :-)

SarahPLiz · February 2012

I think he could have phrased it better, and asked what your plans were instead of what housework you were going to get done.

That being said, neither H nor I is a good housekeeper. We only clean when we need to and declutter once every 2 weeks before the cleaning people come over. We need to do some major de-hoarding but that will have to wait until our kid naps on the weekends, which he decided not to do this weekend. H washes all the bottles and loads the dishwasher every other day and I try to keep up the laundry and the baby clean. We both cook depending on what is going on that night.

amys325 · February 2012

I always tell my H that he is allergic to cleaning. Everytime I say we should do this or that in regards to cleaning, he's always tired or doesn't feel well.

To rectify the issue of him never wanting to clean, we hired a cleaning lady to come once a month to really scrub the place and I really don't mind keeping up with it the rest of the month.

Joy, I'm with you on the "If I cook, I clean, if you cook, you clean" bandwagon. H makes a HUGE mess when he cooks and I am very tidy and clean as I go.

seesawgirl · February 2012

Thanks for the insight everyone!

I suppose the thing that irritates me the most, is not that he asks, its that he asks like I'm the only one contributing to the mess. Its an ongoing thing. I've asked him repeatedly to keep his mad scientic area clean and contained, but somehow, its still all over the living room, but God forbid I leave my makeup out on the bathroom countertop. One of the first things out of his mouth this morning was "I'm going to hang up your coat, okay?" (completely passive aggressive, like I'm really going to object to him hanging up my coat) and when he's leaving for work, he had to pull his coat off the back of the recliner.

And yeah, it totally depends on the kind of meal that is being made that determines whether or not I'm going to clean up after it. If anything has been burned onto the pan, he can forget me washing it. Otherwise, we both used to pretty much put the prep ingredients away ourselves, and we're vegan, so there's not a million cutting boards and pans, since we don't have to worry about cross contamination. Most of our dishes are one or two pan pasta or rice dishes. We can usually put an entire day's worth of dishes into the dishwasher.

I'm honestly tempted to show him this thread, so he can see that I am not the only one who feels like this is not how women like to be talked to.

I think what I am going to do today, is clean up everything that is mine, and when he gets home, point out that HE contributes to the mess too.

DNAtime · February 2012

I think maybe you should have a talk about chores and how the two of you can keep the house clean in a manner you both can live with.

I always tell my DH when I put his coat away because otherwise he can't seem to find it.... on the coat tree. But seriously when I move his stuff I tell him so he can find it without asking me.

This doesn't sound like a sustainable solution.

jemmini6 · February 2012

I mean, if I had an unexpected day off, I'd probably do something around the house, but having H ask me 'what chores I'm doing today' would piss me off because that's how you talk to a child, not your wife. I'm not the damn housekeeper, I don't need him micromanaging what I do in my free time.

H and I don't have any sort of outlined chores. If we see something that needs to get done, we do it, and if we see the other person doing something, we always ask if they need help. For example, if our trash and recycle is full, and I see H taking the bag out of the can, I'll get up and take the recycle out with him so he doesn't have to make 2 trips. Or if I'm cooking dinner when H gets home, he always asks what he can do to help, or he starts cleaning prep dishes as I'm done with them.

When it comes to major housecleaning, we usually set aside a couple hours a weekend and do that together also. He'll be cleaning the bathrooms while I'm moping the floors, or vise versa, we just do what needs to get done. The only thing that we are both completely responsible for is our own laundry. We both hate doing laudry, so I sure as hell don't want to do his any more than he wants to do mine. Consequently, neither of our laundry gets put away often (it's clean, but we just wear clothes out of the laundry basket).

But yeah, it sounds like you need to have a talk with him about how you two manage the housework. It's not going to solve anything by just being pissed off at him and silently resuming the arragement you have (or don't have), you need to talk about what needs to change and why.

ErinG93 · February 2012

This is a helpful thread for me. I've been really grouchy lately about our cleaning and I think a major part of why I dont' think my H helps much is because we don't share a weekend. I'll do all the dusting, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, window washing, laundry, laundry folding and put away, garbages, etc. by myself. It gets really old. I know that my H tidies the house on his days off and de-clutters, but I never see it because I'm at work. I felt really bad but before I left this morning I made him a list, which was probably not a great idea, but I was fed up. His list includes things like, clean up the dog doo, tidy the living room, do the dishes, wipe out the microwave, and vacuum the rug in the living room.

morenachica110 · February 2012

I'm going to agree with the majority and say that I've be super peeved if FI talked to me like that... especially at 7:30 in the morning. Morning is NOT a good time to get on my bad side. lol

I do most of it but he cooks. I don't like cooking and he seems to. I'll clean the living room and bathroom. I also do the laundry but I hate folding so it'll sit on the chair sometimes until we get to it. Then I'll fold and he hangs. We alternate dishes because we both loathe doing the dishes, but occasionally we'll take extra turns if someone's been working extra or been sick or we just want to be sweet. Our porch area (we live in an apartment) is pretty much his domain so he always cleans it but only when I have to remind him that it looks like a miniature junkyard and it's starting to grate on my nerves. lol

He'll help more from time to time when he wants to be sweet or he's in trouble... like yesterday.

In short, we don't have it perfectly divided or written down, but we have a system that works for us. And we only got there after a lot of trial and error.

Lobsters25 · February 2012

I think I would have answered with 'I'll spend a bit of time on it...making the hunny-do list.' Or I would have cleaned, and when he came home, he would have come home to no dinner. After all, he can cook if you clean.
And no, you're not out of line, at all.
I got a little angry feeling like I was doing all of the cooking and cleaning for the first few months, so now we spend part of Saturday morning doing it together. FI doesn't mind, since we're both doing it at the same time, and whoever is done with their part first, helps the other finish up.

How do you divide household chores/Am I just being a bitchh?

Re: How do you divide household chores/Am I just being a bitchh?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards