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Crazy Ex sent wedding gift

sarah8smacksarah8smack member
First Comment First Anniversary
in Wedding Woes

My fiance and I have been dating for almost 3 years. We got engaged this past Fall.  For my bridal shower I registered at Bed Bath and Beyond. (just for my bridal shower - we aren't registering for gifts for our actual wedding). Anyway, no one has even gotten invitations for my shower yet and the other day I get a BBB gift on my door step. When I opened it I found out it was from my Fiance's ex girlfriend from like 6 years ago. They didn't have the best breakup, and he told her to leave him alone until he was ready to be friends with her again. She hasn't been able to follow those directions and for the last 3 years I've dated my Fiance he has received numerous facebook messages/emails from this girl as well as a postcard last summer from her while she was on vacation saying she was "thinking of him'. He has not responded to any of her correspondence in hopes that she would get the hint and go away. They are not on good terms and she isn't invited to the wedding.  So basically she had to randomly search for his or my name online on BBB website and find my bridal shower registry and sent us a gift from it. I need opinions as to what to do next. My fiance and I both think it might be best to return the gift so she can get her money back, and then send her a thank you....(but no thank you) card to say we appreciate her thoughts and well wishes, but since this gift is for my bridal shower and i've never met her it isn't appropriate to accept the gift - and then have us both sign the card (so we are showing a united front).  What do you guys think? It totally freaked me out getting the gift and I've been rattled ever since.

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Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift

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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    hoenstly, i'd just continue to ignore her. she's just looking for a reaction. 
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    6fsn6fsn member
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    Return the gift with no further contact.  She sounds a little crazy and I would not want to encourage more contact.

    I want to her more about only having a shower registry though.  How are people supposed to know this?  What do you expect for the wedding?
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    dharmabunnydharmabunny member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I'd be tempted to write "return to sender, not at this residence" on it and send it back. Definitely do not accept it. Or respond back.
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    HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:420ba1d4-ee7a-4b47-a2a5-4be9d1f51047">Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]Return the gift with no further contact.  She sounds a little crazy and I would not want to encourage more contact. I want to her more about only having a shower registry though.  How are people supposed to know this?  What do you expect for the wedding?
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

    All of this ^^^
    �
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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:420ba1d4-ee7a-4b47-a2a5-4be9d1f51047">Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]Return the gift with no further contact.  She sounds a little crazy and I would not want to encourage more contact. I want to her more about only having a shower registry though.  How are people supposed to know this?  <strong>What do you expect for the wedding?</strong>
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]
    COLD HARD CASH...duh.
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    sarah8smacksarah8smack member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    For our wedding registry my fiance and I are doing Honeyfund (for our airfare for our honeymoon). We have lived together for a while so we don't need a ton of homegoods. So I'm just registering for a few things for my shower instead (since we definitely don't have enough stuff we want to do it for the wedding (With 150 guest).


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:420ba1d4-ee7a-4b47-a2a5-4be9d1f51047">Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]Return the gift with no further contact.  She sounds a little crazy and I would not want to encourage more contact. I want to her more about only having a shower registry though.  How are people supposed to know this?  What do you expect for the wedding?
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]
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    WzzWzz member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:860879a1-f4e1-44d8-95e9-78806b95de81">Re:Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd be tempted to write "return to sender, not at this residence" on it and send it back. Definitely do not accept it. Or respond back.
    Posted by dharmabunny[/QUOTE]

    THIS.

    although, having a registry, as far as i am used to it, is generally for shower gifts. i have never been to a wedding that the couple got anything besides a card with a money gift inside. i *was* given gifts other than money for my wedding, but the majority of people gave money.
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    KaySea6213KaySea6213 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I think the gift definitely needs to be returned, but I agree with PP about a thank you not encouraging further contact. If you think she could potentially be dangerous "Return to Sender" may be the best option.

    However, you should consider that she might feel free to invite herself to your wedding (if she's able to find your ceremony and reception info), and in that case you should stick with the thanks but no thanks letter. Just curious though, what would it say?
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    sarah8smacksarah8smack member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Here's a rough draft of what I'm thinking the note should say. Let me know what u guys think: Dear _____, Thank you for your kind words and thought regarding our upcoming wedding. We received your gift, however we feel it is inappropriate to accept it. The registry is for the bridal shower and since you don't have a relationship with the bride it is uncomfortable and awkward receiving a gift from a stranger. We would appreciate you giving us our privacy so that we can continue to enjoy our engagement. Sincerely, Us
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    LnR70707LnR70707 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:e72bcd1a-954e-4c78-83e4-964dcf1c1e68">Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]For our wedding registry my fiance and I are doing Honeyfund (for our airfare for our honeymoon). We have lived together for a while so we don't need a ton of homegoods. So I'm just registering for a few things for my shower instead (since we definitely don't have enough stuff we want to do it for the wedding (With 150 guest). In Response to Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift :
    Posted by sarah8smack[/QUOTE]

    I hope you aren't seriously going to tell people to give you more for a honeymoon on your invites.   Thankfully I've never come across anyone that tacky personally, but if I did I'd get them anything but.
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    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
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    LnR70707LnR70707 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:c73c7531-3c15-4033-86bf-0590a0103251">Re:Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's a rough draft of what I'm thinking the note should say. Let me know what u guys think: Dear _____, Thank you for your kind words and thought regarding our upcoming wedding. We received your gift, however we feel it is inappropriate to accept it. <strong>The registry is for the bridal shower and since you don't have a relationship with the bride it is uncomfortable and awkward receiving a gift from a stranger.</strong> We would appreciate you giving us our privacy so that we can continue to enjoy our engagement. Sincerely, Us
    Posted by sarah8smack[/QUOTE]

    I'd leave out the bolded, it kind of goes without saying and sounds like you are just trying to rub it in her face that she has no part in your life (even if she deserves it).
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    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
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    sarah8smacksarah8smack member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    The honey fund is the only thing we are doing for our wedding registry. Do you think that is tacky? We don't want to register for a bunch of material things that we don't need.
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    sarah8smacksarah8smack member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    We aren't asking for additional cash gifts at all. Just the honey fund.
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    NO NOTE. Do not feed the crazy. 

    Return the gift without another word. It speaks for itself. 

    And also, asking for honeymoon funding is tacky. Please don't do it. 
    image
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    NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    You do know it is never a good idea to entertain the crazy, right?
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    TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
    First Comment
    What did she send?
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    sarah8smacksarah8smack member
    First Comment First Anniversary

    She got us an entertaining appetizer platter that I had registered for.

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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Return the gift with no note.

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    KaySea6213KaySea6213 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:150cca91-445f-4d2a-9de1-e051ac749105">Re:Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Crazy Ex sent wedding gift : I'd leave out the bolded, it kind of goes without saying and sounds like you are just trying to rub it in her face that she has no part in your life (even if she deserves it).
    Posted by L&R70707[/QUOTE]


    I agree. Without that part the letter is polite, but also very clear.

    As far as your honeyfund, I don't think it's ridiculously tacky. You just have to know your guests. Perhaps you could ask your parents, ILs and bridal party what they think as a sample of your entire guest list. If you get bad feedback, reconsider.
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    tawillerstawillers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I need to know if she knows where you live.  Sending from a registry usually doesn't give the sender address information for the receiver, but if you send her a note or send the gift back to her, she'll then have your address, and you DID call her the crazy ex, so....

    Make sure you do the return process through the store and don't include your return address.
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    WzzWzz member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    wait, so you're actually considering sending a letter? that is terrible advice and it opens you up to future letters and who knows what.

    taw is completely right - bring the gift back to the store and have them return it to the sender. she may or may not be crazy, but it is bizarre she'd send a gift like that unsolicited. just close that door and lock it behind you.
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    sarah8smacksarah8smack member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    She does have our address (since she's sent my fiance mail last year). She knows where we live. I plan on doing the return through the registry (sending it back to Bed Bath and Beyond). So they will just refund her money. If I send her a thank you note I won't put a return address on it just for the sake of putting it out there that I don't mind her knowing where I live.
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    sarah8smacksarah8smack member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Regarding the wedding registry/honeymoon fund - 98% of our wedding guests are our friends (age 25-35). The only family that are attending are my fiance's and my parents and sibling.


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:53d8bf8d-8722-420b-ac84-ab81dc9baafc">Re:Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Crazy Ex sent wedding gift : I agree. Without that part the letter is polite, but also very clear. As far as your honeyfund, I don't think it's ridiculously tacky. You just have to know your guests. Perhaps you could ask your parents, ILs and bridal party what they think as a sample of your entire guest list. If you get bad feedback, reconsider.
    Posted by dammitkrystyn[/QUOTE]
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    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2013
    I invite you to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. It addresses this topic very well. You absolutely do NOT send a letter. All that will tell her is that finally, after 3 years, she got his attention. And if she wants it again, all she has to do is keep trying for 3 more years.

    ETA: And in that note specifically, all she will pick up on is that she has "no relationship with the BRIDE." That'll actually reinforce her crazy notion thats he still has some kind of relationship with the groom.

    (The cover art is all dramatic, but trust me - it addresses stalkers and crazies of all stripes.)

    Physically bring the item back to BBB and say you are refusing the gift and want to make sure the sender receives a refund. While it's an unusual case, I'm sure it's nothing they haven't seen before.

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    sarah8smacksarah8smack member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Ugh. This sucks...
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    LnR70707LnR70707 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:b57839a3-5461-426e-b030-9c441e9c4b85">Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]Um, first of all... you're on the knot right now too. Secondly, I have a great job and am on vacation this week so I don't believe my husband will divorce me for that. In Response to Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift :
    Posted by sarah8smack[/QUOTE]
     
    Ahaahahahahahaha!  OMG...it took me second to figure out what the hell you were talking about!  That is part of my signature....it is always under anything I post and was said to all of us years ago by some crazy who didn't like our advice. 
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    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
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    footballwife77footballwife77 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_crazy-ex-sent-wedding-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:ec410a43-23e3-4ed2-bec2-e8c27d57fd4bPost:b57839a3-5461-426e-b030-9c441e9c4b85">Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift</a>:
    [QUOTE]Um, first of all... you're on the knot right now too. <strong><font color="#ff0000">Secondly, I have a great job and am on vacation this week so I don't believe my husband will divorce me for that</font></strong>. In Response to Re: Crazy Ex sent wedding gift :
    Posted by sarah8smack[/QUOTE]

    OOh nooo!! This is going to take a nasty left turn.  

    1. I don't think that was meant for you (don't take it personal). It's part of her signature quoted from someone else.

    2. there's a little search box at the bottom - type in honeyfund- It doesn't go over well here on the knot (check the etiquette and registering and gifts boards- on the left).

    3. What a super awkward situation. Decline the gift.

    happy planning (sans the crazy stalker ex)!
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    hmonkeyhmonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    well, you're on edge so it's understandable.

    she is crazy.  return the gift without a note and don't engage again.
    image
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    TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
    First Comment
    Has your FI blocked her from sending him FB messages?
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