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Wedding Etiquette Forum
JOP and renewal of vows etiquette and points of contention
Hi there,
This is a long post but I would appreciate any help or perspective!
My fiance and I are getting married next month. It is going to be a Justice of the Peace ceremony with just our immediate family in attendence. Originally my fiance and I wanted it to be a very private moment between the two of us but my more traditional family insisted they be there so we invited them, along with my fiances family.
A year from now we are planning on having a renewal of the vows ceremony and reception for all of our friends and extended family. We want the renewal of the vows ceremony to be simple and a joyous celebration of our marriage. My parent stated they support this and have generously offered to pay for it.
Some points of contention cropped up yesterday regarding what is appropriate for a renewal of the vows and what is not. My parent's perspective is that the renewal of the vows should not pose as our actual wedding. This, I agree with. However, executionally, we are having a hard time agreeing on what is appropriate for a renewal of the vows and what is not. For example, my parents feel that it is inappropriate for me to have any attendents, or if I do have attendents they should not walk down the isle or wear matching dresses. They do not feel like it is appropriate for me to walk down the isle and the groom to enter from the side. They do not feel like my fiance and I should have a first dance at the reception. Most of their objections are not clear, contratictory and subjective, for example, they do not think i should wear a wedding dress, but they do not care if I wear a long white dress.
I am having a really hard time navigating through these objections. Firstly, because I do not think that many of these details matter. Who cares where the groomsmen enter from? I understand philosophically what they are getting at and feel there are reasonable things to acheive it. For example, stating clearly on invitations that it is a renewal of vows and not asking for gifts. I want to repect their wishes and their financial contribution but if they are going to dictate the smallest details like what kind of dresses the attendents should wear, or where they enter from, when that has no traditional significance or affect on them financially, it is not worth the stress. I feel like my parents objections are fueled by an emotional displeasure of me not having a traditional wedding. And they are creating a line of what is appropriate for a renewal of vows vs. a wedding when that line does not exist.
Has anyone here dealt with anything like this? I want to approach everything logically and reasonably but am having a hard time doing it.
Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: JOP and renewal of vows etiquette and points of contention
[QUOTE]Hi there, This is a long post but I would appreciate any help or perspective! My fiance and I are getting married next month. It is going to be a Justice of the Peace ceremony with just our immediate family in attendence. Originally my fiance and I wanted it to be a very private moment between the two of us but my more traditional family insisted they be there so we invited them, along with my fiances family. A year from now we are planning on having a renewal of the vows ceremony and reception for all of our friends and extended family. We want the renewal of the vows ceremony to be simple and a joyous celebration of our marriage. My parent stated they support this and have generously offered to pay for it. Some points of contention cropped up yesterday regarding what is appropriate for a renewal of the vows and what is not. My parent's perspective is that the renewal of the vows should not pose as our actual wedding. This, I agree with. However, executionally, we are having a hard time agreeing on what is appropriate for a renewal of the vows and what is not. For example, my parents feel that it is inappropriate for me to have any attendents, or if I do have attendents they should not walk down the isle or wear matching dresses. They do not feel like it is appropriate for me to walk down the isle and the groom to enter from the side. They do not feel like my fiance and I should have a first dance at the reception. Most of their objections are not clear, contratictory and subjective, for example, they do not think i should wear a wedding dress, but they do not care if I wear a long white dress. I am having a really hard time navigating through these objections. Firstly, because I do not think that many of these details matter. Who cares where the groomsmen enter from? I understand philosophically what they are getting at and feel there are reasonable things to acheive it. For example, stating clearly on invitations that it is a renewal of vows and not asking for gifts. I want to repect their wishes and their financial contribution but if they are going to dictate the smallest details like what kind of dresses the attendents should wear, or where they enter from, when that has no traditional significance or affect on them financially, it is not worth the stress. I feel like my parents objections are fueled by an emotional displeasure of me not having a traditional wedding. And they are creating a line of what is appropriate for a renewal of vows vs. a wedding when that line does not exist. Has anyone here dealt with anything like this? I want to approach everything logically and reasonably but am having a hard time doing it. Thanks!
Posted by KNFinch[/QUOTE]
ETA: Internet issues..
I agree with everyone else.
Also, why are you having a vow renewal a year later? Is it because you cannot afford to have a reception the same day?
I agree with you parents.
You can have a spotlight dance if you want. I would not publicly call it a first dance, but secretly you can call it that if you want.
Your parents are correct.
And I know this wasnt mentioned but I would also add that a bridal shower and registering for gifts would be inappropriate for your vow renewal
[QUOTE]I just cannot wrap my head around this idea of planning out a vow renewal before you even have your wedding. It makes no sense to me.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
This, too. It's like, just have the bigger event and be done with it. If you're planning it already, just have it and only it. What's the point of not having people there for the first round so you can turn around and have people there only a year later?
A good test for wether it's appropriate or not is "does it have wedding/bride in the name?" Bridal shower? nope, you're a wife not a bride. Wedding party? nope, this is a VR not a wedding. Wedding gown? nope, again - not a wedding.
Cutting of the cake? sure. I mean don't make a HUGE deal out of it, but at most events the guest of honor cuts the cake (Birthdays, etc.) so that's okay. Opening the dance floor? sure. It's not a FIRST dance because undoubtedly you and your husband will have danced at some point in the prior year, but you can be the first ones on the dance floor and have the DJ invite everyone else out during that first song.
Walking down the aisle - I see their point on this, but wouldn't judge it personally. I mean, you have to walk into the room somehow right? But the feel of 'giving away' is gone b/c you're already married. I think you and your H walking down the aisle together would be most appropriate.
All your dilemmas = resolved.
[QUOTE]On a totally unrelated note, while I agree it is not a "first dance", I think the constant comments on these threads about how "obviously you will have danced with your husband already" is super comical. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years, married for 4. We have danced exactly ONE time in our entire relationship and that was our private "first dance" on our honeymoon.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Unless you count naked swaying in our living room the night we got this house as dancing, my husband and I have never danced, either.
[QUOTE]On a totally unrelated note, while I agree it is not a "first dance", I think the constant comments on these threads about how "obviously you will have danced with your husband already" is super comical. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years, married for 4. We have danced exactly ONE time in our entire relationship and that was our private "first dance" on our honeymoon.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I thought we were the only couple that has never danced together before. We're going on almost four years together. As we've discussed a first dance for the wedding we tried to do it in the living room with music but ended up in a fit of laughter and just making out instead. If we had our way we would skip dancing all together for the wedding. So we're having a bluegrass band. I guantee there will be some Elaine Benes dancing going in up in there.
To me, that's what a VR is. If that's all the "specialness" they had at such milestone anniversaries, I think a 1 yr should me as simple as can be. If you're set on more of the aspects that occur within a WEDDING, then just have your wedding be that way.
PS my grandparents are the bomb and I love them to the moon and back!
June 2012 Bride!
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:JOP and renewal of vows etiquette and points of contention : Unless you count naked swaying in our living room the night we got this house as dancing, my husband and I have never danced, either.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
You just made me LOL at work!!
Adults choose to get married for whatever reason at whatever time in whatever fashion. Your one wedding day is your one day.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:JOP and renewal of vows etiquette and points of contention : <strong>Unless you count naked swaying in our living room the night we got this house</strong> as dancing, my husband and I have never danced, either.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]
Ha! This made me giggle. Sorry Stage and Addie and others - I shouldn't have assumed. H and I aren't huge dancers either but we always do at least one slow dance at weddings, company christmas party, etc. So I extrapolated.
I agree that the dance is fine. At our 25th anniversary vow renewal 3 weeks ago, ,my H and I danced together and we danced with our children to open the dance floor. Of course, after a few drinks I also danced with every one of our guests!
[QUOTE]On a totally unrelated note, while I agree it is not a "first dance", I think the constant comments on these threads about how "obviously you will have danced with your husband already" is super comical. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years, married for 4. We have danced exactly ONE time in our entire relationship and that was our private "first dance" on our honeymoon.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
It's funny you wrote this. DH and I have only danced once together and that was our wedding.
[QUOTE]Thank you all for your perspective. I appreciate it. We cannot wait a year to have the marriage and ceremony combined for personal reasons connected to his involvement in the military. Vaugue, I know, I'm sorry. We cannot have it in the next few months because we live out of state, and I have no vacation time at my work until I have a year logged. My intention is not to have a PPD day, although I can see why it would be perceived that way. We just wanted to have a ceremony with our friends and extended family because we legitimately can't now and we legitimately can't wait. <strong>I really do appreciate all of your opinions and how unified they are. It sounds like the right thing to do is maybe have some sort of celebration but forgo the 'weddingness' of it all.</strong>
Posted by KNFinch[/QUOTE]
OP, I'd like to commend you on how well you are taking the advice given. A celebration party sounds lovely. Have fun and congrats on your upcoming wedding!
[QUOTE]Thank you all for your perspective. I appreciate it. We cannot wait a year to have the marriage and ceremony combined for personal reasons connected to his involvement in the military. Vaugue, I know, I'm sorry. We cannot have it in the next few months because we live out of state, and I have no vacation time at my work until I have a year logged. My intention is not to have a PPD day, although I can see why it would be perceived that way. We just wanted to have a ceremony with our friends and extended family because <strong>we legitimately can't now and we legitimately can't wait</strong>. I really do appreciate all of your opinions and how unified they are. <strong>It sounds like the right thing to do is maybe have some sort of celebration but forgo the 'weddingness' of it all.
</strong>Posted by KNFinch[/QUOTE]
I'm glad to hear, based on the second bolded, that you're taking in what we're saying. I'm sure you'll have a lovely celebration and it sounds like your parents will help be a beacon to keep it on track.
But I just have to say the first bolded is just untrue. No one is forcing you to get married right now and not wait a year. Perhaps there are significant benefits to doing it now (higher pay while he's serving, insurance coverage, etc.) But postponing the receipt of those benefits to have the wedding you want is one of the tough choices we talk about on here all the time. being married is not a requirement to serve in the military; no one is holding a gun to your head saying you CANNOT wait. Likewise vacation time is not required to have a larger wedding. It takes one day (honestly just a few hours) either way; whether it's at the JOP or with extended family in attendance. You'll have an easier time accepting the things you "don't get to do" if you really step back and recognize that this is a voluntary choice you are making.