Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited

u_anoi_me · October 2012

My fiance and I's original plan was to have around 75 guests and now we have 115 (give or take). We both really want to stick with the original plan but those people on the guest list are either family or family-friends so there is no way we can not invite them and thats fine with us. We can stretch it for family and the friends my fiance has known pretty much all his life (I only have literally 2 friends on there I can invite).
However, my fiance and I have friends that we recently met (last year) and have been hanging out with constantly (we see them every week). Personally, I really don't care for them to be there because 1) I have closer friends that I'm not even inviting just because there's just no room, 2) I'm not really sure if I see them as life-long friends and I want to share our big day to those we love and trust. Our problem now is the awkward talks that's already starting to come up about the wedding. One of the girls in that group really think she's gonna be invited (partly my fault because I told her that they will be a long time ago). This particular girl have been 'slyly' bringing it up and saying she's excited about the wedding. Also, she brings it up in front of people that we are definitely not going to invite and it's a little upsetting. There's much more to the story and I'm not going to get into it. I just know that I'd rather spend it with the people that I've know for a long time. Basically, I don't know what to do because we see these people constantly and hang out with them so I'm not sure how we can tell them.
I had an idea that maybe we can throw a separate party for friends but I'm not sure if that's rude or impolite that they might get offended even more. I know they will get offended no matter what and they might even hold a grudge but I really want to put my foot down on this because this is such a big day for my fiance and I and also our families.
Please help! Thank you!

lcatterton · October 2012

You aren't forced to invite anyone that you don't want there. However, if you told her she was going to be invited (even if it was mentioned 5 years ago), I think it's rude to go back on that.

Maggie0829 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:01a91cd0-5781-4872-afad-0675c47df2a1">Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I's original plan was to have around 75 guests and now we have 115 (give or take). We both really want to stick with the original plan but those people on the guest list are either family or family-friends so there is no way we can not invite them and thats fine with us. We can stretch it for family and the friends my fiance has known pretty much all his life (I only have literally 2 friends on there I can invite). However, my fiance and I have friends that we recently met (last year) and have been hanging out with constantly (we see them every week). Personally, I really don't care for them to be there because 1)<strong> I have closer friends that I'm not even inviting just because there's just no room, </strong>2) <strong>I'm not really sure if I see them as life-long friends and I want to share our big day to those we love and trust.</strong> Our problem now is the awkward talks that's already starting to come up about the wedding. One of the girls in that group really think she's gonna be invited (partly my fault because I told her that they will be a long time ago). This particular girl have been 'slyly' bringing it up and saying she's excited about the wedding. Also, she brings it up in front of people that we are definitely not going to invite and it's a little upsetting. There's much more to the story and I'm not going to get into it. I just know that I'd rather spend it with the people that I've know for a long time. Basically, I don't know what to do because we see these people constantly and hang out with them so I'm not sure how we can tell them. I had an idea that maybe we can throw a separate party for friends but I'm not sure if that's rude or impolite that they might get offended even more. I know they will get offended no matter what and they might even hold a grudge but I really want to put my foot down on this because this is such a big day for my fiance and I and also our families. Please help! Thank you!
Posted by u_anoi_me[/QUOTE]

1) I thought you said you "literally only had two friends you would invite" so I dont' get the whole you have closer friends that you aren't inviting line

2) You need to keep your thinking to present day. If every bride only invited those that the saw being in their life forever then their guests list would most likely be short.

As for how you approach this, you don't. If you want to make things less awkward don't talk wedding around them. Don't send them an invite. If they ask why they weren't invited (which would be rude of them) you can simply tell them that you were keeping the guest list small and really only to family.

If they hold a grudge over you because they weren't invited to your wedding then they are sucky friends.

StephBeanWed61502 · October 2012

You set yourself up for this when you told the girl you were inviting her. That said, the best way to handle this when it comes up in conversation is some version of "oh, we're keeping the wedding really small and just don't have room on the guest list for everyone." That should give people the hint that they aren't invited. If someone presses you directly about whether or not they're invited, just go with something like "I'm so sorry, but like I said, we're keeping things really small." Please, please don't say anything about all of this "they're fine friends for now, but not for life" stuff you rambled n about here. That would be absurdly hurtful.

u_anoi_me · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:ad5c0fcd-66f1-45d2-ba63-be9a1506c242">Re: Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited : 1) I thought you said you "literally only had two friends you would invite" so I dont' get the whole you have closer friends that you aren't inviting line 2) You need to keep your thinking to present day. If every bride only invited those that the saw being in their life forever then their guests list would most likely be short. As for how you approach this, you don't. If you want to make things less awkward don't talk wedding around them. Don't send them an invite. If they ask why they weren't invited (which would be rude of them) you can simply tell them that you were keeping the guest list small and really only to family. If they hold a grudge over you because they weren't invited to your wedding then they are sucky friends.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>-I only have 2 friends that I'm inviting because they are closer to me than those who I have know for a while. Basically, out of all the friends (close ot not) those two are the ones that I pick to be there. To add on to those two is just way too much. I want to invite other close friends but we simply cannot put them on the list because we're over our limited. </div><div>
</div><div>-Yes, I've told that friend that she will be invited. Yes, that was my fault. I really thought this particular friend would be close to me since we hit it off pretty good in the beginning. She's tried planning stuff for our wedding long before we even got engaged. But there's things that I've seen about that person that I don't like or that I don't want people that I truly care for to be around her because she's talked negatively about people that I care about without even knowing them. I've had three friends visit me or I've talked to her about and everytime she makes unnecessary comments about them that I really don't appreciate. I just feel like through that 1 year that I've gotten to know her, I feel like I don't want to invite people (like her) that has a chance of getting into drama or anything negative in my wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>-I've tried to avoid any topic related to the wedding to anybody that aren't going to be invited but somehow, someone will bring it up. It's so awkward. I haven't given them any update about the wedding, any invites, anything.</div><div>

</div>

u_anoi_me · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:89b6de32-b2d3-4f51-92a2-da9488a2a759">Re:Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]You set yourself up for this when you told the girl you were inviting her. That said, the best way to handle this when it comes up in conversation is some version of "oh, we're keeping the wedding really small and just don't have room on the guest list for everyone." That should give people the hint that they aren't invited. If someone presses you directly about whether or not they're invited, just go with something like "I'm so sorry, but like I said, we're keeping things really small." Please, please don't say anything about all of this "they're fine friends for now, but not for life" stuff you rambled n about here. That would be absurdly hurtful.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>-You're right. I regret telling her. Sometimes there isn't any opportuniy for me to say, "Sorry, we're keeping our guest list small" because the comments that I get are either "Oh I'm going to cut my hair short for your wedding" or "I hope I don't get pregnant during your wedding" or "What dress should I wear for your wedding?" and those comments have started even before we got engaged and still to this day, it comes up. Just last night, this friend goes, "Oh their wedding is coming up" to the whole table of friends that we weren't planning on inviting. That's just unnecessary and very awkward to be put in a situation like that.

</div>

[Deleted User] · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:104139a8-6b5a-4d7b-9d99-fa179e894e43">Re: Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited :-Yes, I've told that friend that she will be invited. Yes, that was my fault. I really thought this particular friend would be close to me since we hit it off pretty good in the beginning. She's tried planning stuff for our wedding long before we even got engaged. But there's things that I've seen about that person that I don't like or that I don't want people that I truly care for to be around her because she's talked negatively about people that I care about without even knowing them. I've had three friends visit me or I've talked to her about and everytime she makes unnecessary comments about them that I really don't appreciate. I just feel like through that 1 year that I've gotten to know her, I feel like I don't want to invite people (like her) that has a chance of getting into drama or anything negative in my wedding. -I've tried to avoid any topic related to the wedding to anybody that aren't going to be invited but somehow, someone will bring it up. It's so awkward. I haven't given them any update about the wedding, any invites, anything.
Posted by u_anoi_me[/QUOTE]

I think if you told this girl she's invited, she has to be invited now. If you don't, it could possibly be a friendship ending move. From the sounds of it, you might not care so much if that's the case, but just be aware.

Yes, it's hard to completely avoid ever mentioning your wedding, but it doesn't have to be awkward. If someone brings it up who is not invited, simply say something small and then change the topic - "Yup, we're excited. How about them Jets last weekend?" If someone brings it up more pointedly, like PPs said, just say "We're basically just having family. We'll let you know if we do celebratory drinks after the event."

u_anoi_me · October 2012

Sorry but my question/post seemed like a rant from a bitchy negative person. I'm really not at all bitchy but I'm such a people pleaser that it really stresses me out when I have to say no to a person or not invite them in this situation.

Talking about it I guess my problem really only is concentrated to this particualr person. She's overbearing with her comments about the wedding. I feel like inviting her just to get it over with but it's not only her that I'm inviting if I did. It's gonna be a whole group of people that is associated with that group that we hang out with that includes her.

Sigh...

lcatterton · October 2012

Can I ask why you associate with this person/these people if you do not care for them, think that they are dramatic, and do not want to be their friends in the near/distant future? Are these people that FH are close to? Because if that is the case, this conversation is better suited to be discussed with him. If he is not close to these people, stop seeing them. That would solve every single problem that you have..

You don't hang out, they can't bring up the wedding.
You don't hang out, they won't think they are invited.
You don't hang out, there is no awkward situation.

Catch my drift?

amyelise25 · October 2012

It sounds like you need to break the news to this person ASAP since she is getting specific and probably talking about it more frequently. Maybe this is best done privately. With only 2 friends being invited you are having a family-only wedding and normal people are very understanding about this. Believe me, I've had to do this myself even to a woman who wanted to host a bridal shower for me but wasn't going to be invited to the wedding. It's hard and sometimes uncomfortable, but everyone has been understanding.

As pp said, if she is going to be the type to hold this against you than she isn't the type of friend you want to have anyways.

u_anoi_me · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:ceffde24-c77a-4d34-abfc-419dc9baa92e">Re: Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]Can I ask why you associate with this person/these people if you do not care for them, think that they are dramatic, and do not want to be their friends in the near/distant future? Are these people that FH are close to? Because if that is the case, this conversation is better suited to be discussed with him. If he is not close to these people, stop seeing them. That would solve every single problem that you have.. You don't hang out, they can't bring up the wedding. You don't hang out, they won't think they are invited. You don't hang out, there is no awkward situation. Catch my drift?
Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

<div>-Yes, I definitely catch your drift. My fiance and I both met her and her husband at the same time. We hit it off with a few other friends so when we hang out it's usually in a group. Since most of the time, it's just the two of us girls and the rest guys, we usually sit together or talk with each other. She's not a bad person to hang out with but for me, I just know what I want in a friend and sometimes I don't know if she's a friend I can tell intimate details with. When I tell her something personal about me, sometimes she uses it against me so my reaction to that is, "I can't trust this girl." </div><div>
</div><div>Also, I've voiced these concerns to my fiance and have told him that maybe we should distance ourselves a little bit and find other quality people. My fiance and her husband are friends and I don't want to stop my fiance from hanging out with who he wants to hang out with. So even if I feel these things and I have told my fiance my concerns, I still don't want my fiance to lose a friend he likes so I just go with it and hope for the best. My fiance and I and her and her husband, we both get invited to the same functions and events so it's very hard to avoid or distance ourselves from them.</div><div>
</div><div><span style="white-space:pre;" class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>I don't want any animosity with her. I just feel like I need to stick to the people I want to be there for my wedding and not make any exceptions. </div>

u_anoi_me · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:a16f04b5-cb28-4a65-9d89-277f4aff47ae">Re: Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you need to break the news to this person ASAP since she is getting specific and probably talking about it more frequently. Maybe this is best done privately. With only 2 friends being invited you are having a family-only wedding and normal people are very understanding about this. Believe me, I've had to do this myself even to a woman who wanted to host a bridal shower for me but wasn't going to be invited to the wedding. It's hard and sometimes uncomfortable, but everyone has been understanding. As pp said, if she is going to be the type to hold this against you than she isn't the type of friend you want to have anyways.
Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh you did? Did she get upset? How did you tell her? </div><div>
</div><div>Ya you're right. I hope they understand. I just feel like I don't have the guts to say it and I'll feel so rude when I do. Maybe we can just have another 'reception-like' party for the friends. Hopefully, that will be okay. We do want to celebrate it with them but there's just way too many limitations like money, extra room, etc.
</div><div>
</div><div>Thank you!</div>

u_anoi_me · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:a16f04b5-cb28-4a65-9d89-277f4aff47ae">Re: Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you need to break the news to this person ASAP since she is getting specific and probably talking about it more frequently. Maybe this is best done privately. With only 2 friends being invited you are having a family-only wedding and normal people are very understanding about this. Believe me, I've had to do this myself even to a woman who wanted to host a bridal shower for me but wasn't going to be invited to the wedding. It's hard and sometimes uncomfortable, but everyone has been understanding. As pp said, if she is going to be the type to hold this against you than she isn't the type of friend you want to have anyways.
Posted by amyelise25[/QUOTE]

<div>-How did you break the news to that lady? Did she get upset?</div><div>
</div><div>Yes, I do have to break the news to this person. I just don't know how to. I feel like I don't have the guts to. I don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings. </div><div>
</div><div>Thank you!</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2012

You already verbally invited her. You have to send them an invitation, now.

u_anoi_me · October 2012

Maybe I just won't have the other party at all. What's the point. They're gonna be offended no matter what.

crash2729 · October 2012

Don't have a seperate party later.

You verbally invited her, you are pretty much stuck inviting her and her husband unless you are okay ending the friendship.

You could always politely ask her to not bring it up in front of other people.

u_anoi_me · October 2012

No. I just can't invite her this time. I already regretted inviting her verbally in the first place. I don't wanna regret giving up two seats for her and her husband and the rest of our friends that come with inviting her when I could have given those seats to people that I really wanted to invite. Plus, I'm completely maxed out as it is. I just thought maybe there's some other way like throwing another party for friends but I can see how that can be ridiculous and be more insensitive. I'll just say the wedding is only going to be family only which it is just for family with the exception of a few family friends. Thank you!

EK2013 · October 2012

Did you already put money down on the venue? If not, I'd recommend scaling down on the expenses and inviting all semi-important friends, including the ones you've already verbally invited.

Or, as long as you don't mind the possibility of losing this friendship, tell her your plans changed and you're sorry.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:01a91cd0-5781-4872-afad-0675c47df2a1">Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I's original plan was to have around 75 guests and now we have 115 (give or take). We both really want to stick with the original plan but those people on the guest list are either family or family-friends so there is no way we can not invite them and thats fine with us. We can stretch it for family and the friends my fiance has known pretty much all his life (I only have literally 2 friends on there I can invite). However, my fiance and I have friends that we recently met (last year) <strong>and have been hanging out with constantly (we see them every week)</strong>. Personally, I really don't care for them to be there because 1) <strong>I have closer friends that I'm not even inviting just because there's just no room</strong>, 2) I'm not really sure if I see them as life-long friends and I want to share our big day to those we love and trust. Our problem now is the awkward talks that's already starting to come up about the wedding. One of the girls in that group really think she's gonna be invited (partly my fault because I told her that they will be a long time ago). This particular girl have been 'slyly' bringing it up and saying she's excited about the wedding. Also, she brings it up in front of people that we are definitely not going to invite and it's a little upsetting. There's much more to the story and I'm not going to get into it. I just know that I'd rather spend it with the people that I've know for a long time. Basically, I don't know what to do because we see these people constantly and hang out with them so I'm not sure how we can tell them. I had an idea that maybe we can throw a separate party for friends but I'm not sure if that's rude or impolite that they might get offended even more. I know they will get offended no matter what and they might even hold a grudge but I really want to put my foot down on this because this is such a big day for my fiance and I and also our families. Please help! Thank you!
Posted by u_anoi_me[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with other PPs. You have to invite her, or accept that you might be ending the friendship if you don't.</div><div>
</div><div>However, I'm confused about the bolded. You see them weekly, but you have other closer friends? How often do you see your CLOSE friends?!</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

amyelise25 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:e36d463e-2ae7-4ef8-af21-ea9f1fdc7457">Re: Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited : -How did you break the news to that lady? Did she get upset? Yes, I do have to break the news to this person. I just don't know how to. I feel like I don't have the guts to. I don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings. Thank you!
Posted by u_anoi_me[/QUOTE]

I told her that we chose to have a smaller wedding (50ppl) and that I would only be able to invite mainly family. She was OK with it. I can tell she is somewhat hurt and I never bring it up unless she presses me about it.

thegingrichs · October 2012

I can kind of relate. My fiance and I play on a social sport team together. I have grown to really dislike one of the girls who reminds me of your-not-so-friend.

Honestly, I wouldn't send her an invite and just talk about other things if you have to see her. Or just tell her how you feel. I finally told the girl I disliked that I just didn't want to be friends with her and we're cordial but we go our own ways.

crash2729 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-tocant-invite-friends-but-friends-think-theyre-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:426f7524-cfd9-431d-9836-6230bc9e9747Post:af6391da-7a89-41d5-b22c-ee2d650d6e2e">Re:Don't want to/Can't invite friends but friends think they're invited</a>:
[QUOTE]No. I just can't invite her this time. I already regretted inviting her verbally in the first place. I don't wanna regret giving up two seats for her and her husband and the rest of our friends that come with inviting her when I could have given those seats to people that I really wanted to invite. Plus, I'm completely maxed out as it is. I just thought maybe there's some other way like throwing another party for friends but I can see how that can be ridiculous and be more insensitive. I'll just say the wedding is only going to be family only which it is just for family with the exception of a few family friends. Thank you!
Posted by u_anoi_me[/QUOTE]

You did invite her. So you can't now uninvite her.

You don't have to invite others just because you invited her.

Jen4948 · October 2012

You already invited her verbally, so now you have to follow through with a regular invitation (and be sincere about it). Whether or not the friendship continues after the wedding should not factor into whether you send her an invitation now.

MegGreg2012 · October 2012

I would just tell her one-on-one that the wedding has to be really small, just family. If she's a good friend, she'll understand. If not, just stop hanging out with her.

Good luck!

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