Flaky Bridesmaid

Kimhrees · August 2010

So I have a bridesmaid (I've know for 20 years) that has been promising me for the past 6 months that she would absolutely be at my bridal shower, as well as my bachelorette party, and be in town early enough for a family and friend BBQ that we are having, and yet when the bridal shower came and went, no bridesmaid, no call, no text and no email. And then, this week, the week before my wedding, she emails me to tell me that she won't be at my bachelorette party or the BBQ and that she will be driving over on the day of the rehearsal instead. So this whole time she promised me she would be there for me and keeps telling me to let her know if I need anything from her, or if she can help in any way, and yet, when all I ask of her is to be there with me during my last few days of being single, she bails with just really bad excuses. And now that she isn't coming into town until the day of the rehearsal, I'm afraid that with her track record that she'll miss it. So my final decision has come down to that if she misses the rehearsal too, that I'm going to have to cut her from my wedding party. Is this too harsh?

Stackeye210 · August 2010

Yes, that's pretty harsh. Have you tried talking to your friend about something other then your wedding? Like to ask if everything is ok?

Srasotasunshine · August 2010

Sounds like a good idea...maybe something is going on in her life that is causing her to flake. If you come to her and ask her without being accusatory or defesive, just emapthetic; she may tell you.

I wouldn't cut her...But make sure she knows she does have to make the rehersal. it is very important and everyone needs to know what to do. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help remind her. I know you have a lot going on and you don't need to babysit a bridesmaid, but to at least get her to the rehersal you may have to...

Lapontoona6 · August 2010

i can understand how it's frustrating for you that she's promised to be places and hasn't shown without any notice. but I agree with Stack - is this a regular issue that she's always had? if the answer to that is yes then unfortunately it's your bad for thinking that she would change just because you're getting married.
if the answer is no then maybe you should follow up with her to see what's going on like a friend would.
even if she misses your rehearsal, if she shows up on your wedding day you let her stand by you as YOU PROMISED, that's the important day.

jenellsrevenge · August 2010

Yes that's harsh, and a guaranteed way to end the friendship, but if that's what you think you have to do then by all means go right ahead.

But first, have you even bothered to ask her if everything is ok in her life?

Kimhrees · August 2010

Yes, I've tried every single method of communication available to women. She doesn't answer her calls, texts, emails, facebook (last resort), snail mail, etc... and just last year she herself got married and ran all of us bridesmaids into the ground setting up her wedding, running errands for her, and paying for her last minute items. I just don't know how else to communicate with her that I need her as a friend right now when she is being the complete opposite. Thoughts?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2010

Maybe something happened and she couldn't swing these things financially. (It sounds as though she is an OOT BM.) As long as she's there for the wedding, whatever.

Actually, many people on this board have had BMs who were not able to attend the wedding for whatever reason. They still listed them in the program and treated them like BMs.

Kimhrees · August 2010

Good call everyone...Thank you for your thoughts! I'll put bridezilla away now

Celles · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_flaky-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:28d1e971-6438-4a76-9f50-587c9502b602Post:96fa3171-ca08-463b-a224-5719f28afa00">Re: Flaky Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]But make sure she knows she does have to make the rehersal. it is very important and everyone needs to know what to do. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help remind her. I know you have a lot going on and you don't need to babysit a bridesmaid, but to at least get her to the rehersal you may have to...
Posted by Srasotasunshine[/QUOTE]

This. TOTALLY.

I would have NO IDEA how to stand next to the bride and smile for the camera unless someone gave me detailed instructions the night before.

Stackeye210 · August 2010

Well if you're sure it's just her being flaky and nothing else is wrong then you're just going to have to deal with it. I understand you wanted her there, but it isn't a requirement as a WP member. The rehearsal is also pretty important. I didn't think it'd be, but we had to run through things multiple times and I'd have never thought it'd be that intense. However, if she misses that - it'll be a shame - but I don't think it's something worth kicking her out for. Well I don't think much is worth kicking anyone out of your BP though.

It just sounds like life is getting in her way. Some people kind of turn into hermits after they get married and sort of cut themselves off from the world when they're in their new marriage phase. Hopefully she'll come around, but it almost sounds like your friendship might fizzle out when you're weddings done because you're putting in all the effort.

golden1215 · August 2010

I'm hoping to hear back on a job today that would mean I couldnt make it to my friends rehersal the night before her wedding... I'm hoping she doesnt give me the boot for not practice walking down the damn aisle

I mean really, how hard can it be...?

Kimhrees · August 2010

Golden1215, that would be a definitely legitimate reason to forego a Rehearsal, but hopefully you would have the manners to let the bride know ahead of time instead of just not showing? And I am of the opinion that it's not necessarily the practice that is the most important part so much as the physical statement of being there to support the bride. And especially since I was at her wedding last year being at her beck and call, I would hope for the same respect?

PharmacyBride · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_flaky-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:28d1e971-6438-4a76-9f50-587c9502b602Post:dccfd8b6-befa-487b-bcb1-449feb95fdd2">Re: Flaky Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]i can understand how it's frustrating for you that she's promised to be places and hasn't shown without any notice. but I agree with Stack - is this a regular issue that she's always had? if the answer to that is yes then unfortunately it's your bad for thinking that she would change just because you're getting married. if the answer is no then maybe you should follow up with her to see what's going on like a friend would. even if she misses your rehearsal, if she shows up on your wedding day you let her stand by you as YOU PROMISED, that's the important day.
Posted by Lapontoona6[/QUOTE]

THIS plus.. say goodbye to your friendship if you kick her out. That is the worst thing you can do.. her actions.. although disappointing.. do not justify it. I hope she is okay!

Srasotasunshine · August 2010

My point is who knows if there will be anything extra you will need to do other than stand there and and look pretty. Some people have religious preferences, things they need certain bridal party members to do etc that need to be reviewed and the rehearsal is the time and place for that. With everything else going on it would be hard to tell X amount of people what is going on if everyone felt the rehearsal was not important and did not show.

If it is no more of than simple walk down aisle with Man A. Stand and smile for camera, walk back down isle with same man then perhaps she doesn't need to be at the rehearsal. But when you accept the honor of being a BM I would say the expectation would be to buy a dress and at least show up for the rehearsal.

However, if there is something important going on (like golden, a job opportunity because that is your livelihood) then a verbal review should be fine...just make sure she repeats back what you said to her...don't need her flaking on that!

Kimhrees · August 2010

I definitely can see how the friendship would be no more if I took such drastic measures, but I believe that with putting my bridezilla aside, I just don't know how else to get through to her, but cutting her is definitely not the way to do it. And I know for a fact that her excuses for not showing are just that she was having too much fun at the lake, and there is nothing life altering going on.

MissLeahM · August 2010

Dangit, I didn't know I was single the last few days before my wedding! I always thought I was in a relationship since we were dating!

She may have treated you poorly as a BM but that doesn't mean you should do the same. She flakes out, that sucks, but theres nothing you can do. I'm assuming she bought a dress, that should be enough commitment.

If there is something that needs to be done (for religious reasons) I'm sure you can ask another one of your BM's or MoH.

Meagan78 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_flaky-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:28d1e971-6438-4a76-9f50-587c9502b602Post:b8ae2622-e7b2-4f80-acff-414c082c4fe6">Re: Flaky Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, I've tried every single method of communication available to women. She doesn't answer her calls, texts, emails, facebook (last resort), snail mail, etc... and just last year she herself got married and ran all of us bridesmaids into the ground setting up her wedding, running errands for her, and paying for her last minute items. I just don't know how else to communicate with her that I need her as a friend right now when she is being the complete opposite. Thoughts?
Posted by Kimhrees[/QUOTE]

Sounds like something is going on. You need support, too, and I don't blame you for being upset. If she can't step up, I wouldn't let her ruin your day as long as you are willing to lose her as a friend,

zippityb · August 2010

Why is flaky a negative term when describing a person, but a positive when describing a biscuit?

raziel1687 · February 2014

No, it is not harsh. If you can't trust her to show up to any events. Then you cannot trust her to show up to the rehearsal or to the wedding. You cannot have her looking like a fool in your ceremony because she doesn't know WTF she's doing because SHE wasn't at the rehearsal. As the bride, you do not need to deal with anyone's crap, especially when you have enough stress as it is. If all you did was ask her to be your bridesmaid, you don't owe her anything. She's the one who accepted the job, and she's failing miserably at it. I'd cut her out!

ChemFanatic25 · February 2014

@KnotPorscha, zombie thread, can you have this closed, please?

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

raziel1687 said:
No, it is not harsh. If you can't trust her to show up to any events. Then you cannot trust her to show up to the rehearsal or to the wedding. You cannot have her looking like a fool in your ceremony because she doesn't know WTF she's doing because SHE wasn't at the rehearsal. As the bride, you do not need to deal with anyone's crap, especially when you have enough stress as it is. If all you did was ask her to be your bridesmaid, you don't owe her anything. She's the one who accepted the job, and she's failing miserably at it. I'd cut her out!

(A) This thread is more than three years old; OP and her problem are long effing gone.

(B) Your advice is crap, so please refrain from ever giving advice that horrible again.

lyndausvi · February 2014

zippityb said:

Why is flaky a negative term when describing a person, but a positive when describing a biscuit?

Sure it's 3+ years old thread, but I like this question.

misshart00 · February 2014

raziel1687 said:
No, it is not harsh. If you can't trust her to show up to any events. Then you cannot trust her to show up to the rehearsal or to the wedding. You cannot have her looking like a fool in your ceremony because she doesn't know WTF she's doing because SHE wasn't at the rehearsal. As the bride, you do not need to deal with anyone's crap, especially when you have enough stress as it is. If all you did was ask her to be your bridesmaid, you don't owe her anything. She's the one who accepted the job, and she's failing miserably at it. I'd cut her out!

Legitimate question: what on earth did you search for to find a 3.5 year old thread?

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

Or coconut or pie crust or baklava or croissants...All foods to which 'flaky' is a positive adjective!

WildMagelet · February 2014

Viczaesar · February 2014

raziel1687 said:

No, it is not harsh. If you can't trust her to show up to any events. Then you cannot trust her to show up to the rehearsal or to the wedding. You cannot have her looking like a fool in your ceremony because she doesn't know WTF she's doing because SHE wasn't at the rehearsal. As the bride, you do not need to deal with anyone's crap, especially when you have enough stress as it is. If all you did was ask her to be your bridesmaid, you don't owe her anything. She's the one who accepted the job, and she's failing miserably at it. I'd cut her out!

@raziel1687, knock it off with bumping old threads, and get a grip on reality. Your expectations of your bridesmaids are completely inappropriate. Try lurking and reading for a while.

Viczaesar · February 2014

misshart00 said:

No, it is not harsh. If you can't trust her to show up to any events. Then you cannot trust her to show up to the rehearsal or to the wedding. You cannot have her looking like a fool in your ceremony because she doesn't know WTF she's doing because SHE wasn't at the rehearsal. As the bride, you do not need to deal with anyone's crap, especially when you have enough stress as it is. If all you did was ask her to be your bridesmaid, you don't owe her anything. She's the one who accepted the job, and she's failing miserably at it. I'd cut her out!
Legitimate question: what on earth did you search for to find a 3.5 year old thread?

Considering that she bumped another old thread on Wedding Party called Flaky Maid of Honor, and complained that she herself had a flaky bridesmaid that she's considering kicking out of her wedding, I'd guess her search involved the word flaky and some version of bridesmaid/maid of honor.

lovesclimbing · February 2014

Viczaesar said:

misshart00 said:

No, it is not harsh. If you can't trust her to show up to any events. Then you cannot trust her to show up to the rehearsal or to the wedding. You cannot have her looking like a fool in your ceremony because she doesn't know WTF she's doing because SHE wasn't at the rehearsal. As the bride, you do not need to deal with anyone's crap, especially when you have enough stress as it is. If all you did was ask her to be your bridesmaid, you don't owe her anything. She's the one who accepted the job, and she's failing miserably at it. I'd cut her out!
Legitimate question: what on earth did you search for to find a 3.5 year old thread?

Considering that she bumped another old thread on Wedding Party called Flaky Maid of Honor, and complained that she herself had a flaky bridesmaid that she's considering kicking out of her wedding, I'd guess her search involved the word flaky and some version of bridesmaid/maid of honor.

It actually is really easy to find really old threads. I just googled site:theknot.com flaky bridesmaid and this was the first result. People just don't look at the date. It's not on purpose, but to prevent it, it'd be great if the tech team could auto-lock threads after six months or a year.

HisGirlFriday13 · February 2014

lovesclimbing said:

Viczaesar said:

misshart00 said:

raziel1687 said:
No, it is not harsh. If you can't trust her to show up to any events. Then you cannot trust her to show up to the rehearsal or to the wedding. You cannot have her looking like a fool in your ceremony because she doesn't know WTF she's doing because SHE wasn't at the rehearsal. As the bride, you do not need to deal with anyone's crap, especially when you have enough stress as it is. If all you did was ask her to be your bridesmaid, you don't owe her anything. She's the one who accepted the job, and she's failing miserably at it. I'd cut her out!
Legitimate question: what on earth did you search for to find a 3.5 year old thread?

Considering that she bumped another old thread on Wedding Party called Flaky Maid of Honor, and complained that she herself had a flaky bridesmaid that she's considering kicking out of her wedding, I'd guess her search involved the word flaky and some version of bridesmaid/maid of honor.

It actually is really easy to find really old threads. I just googled site:theknot.com flaky bridesmaid and this was the first result. People just don't look at the date. It's not on purpose, but to prevent it, it'd be great if the tech team could auto-lock threads after six months or a year.

My guess, though, is that this popped up as the first result because the zombie resurrecter and then the rest of us commenting have moved it back to the top of the search results.

I'm thinking @Viczaesar is right the the newb searched for flaky and MOH or BM because she's looking for an excuse to kick out a BM for not being involved enough.

melbelleup · February 2014

Kimhrees said:

So I have a bridesmaid (I've know for 20 years) that has been promising me for the past 6 months that she would absolutely be at my bridal shower, as well as my bachelorette party, and be in town early enough for a family and friend BBQ that we are having, and yet when the bridal shower came and went, no bridesmaid, no call, no text and no email. And then, this week, the week before my wedding, she emails me to tell me that she won't be at my bachelorette party or the BBQ and that she will be driving over on the day of the rehearsal instead. So this whole time she promised me she would be there for me and keeps telling me to let her know if I need anything from her, or if she can help in any way, and yet, when all I ask of her is to be there with me during my last few days of being single, she bails with just really bad excuses. And now that she isn't coming into town until the day of the rehearsal, I'm afraid that with her track record that she'll miss it. So my final decision has come down to that if she misses the rehearsal too, that I'm going to have to cut her from my wedding party. Is this too harsh?

Way TOO harsh. She lives OOT.... you really are going to make her come in town for all those parties that she's NOT required to go to? BMs just have to show up day of with the dress on and a smile. Are you paying for her gas money??? I'm missing ALL of my FSIL's parties due to living 8 hours away. I can't pay for my wedding if I drive 16 hours every weekend for her parties, my other BMs parties etc. They understand, why can't you? Things cost money, not everyone has money to throw out.

ETA: ugh I lose... thanks for bumping a zombie thread.

HaileyDancingbear · February 2014

melbelleup said:

Kimhrees said:

So I have a bridesmaid (I've know for 20 years) that has been promising me for the past 6 months that she would absolutely be at my bridal shower, as well as my bachelorette party, and be in town early enough for a family and friend BBQ that we are having, and yet when the bridal shower came and went, no bridesmaid, no call, no text and no email. And then, this week, the week before my wedding, she emails me to tell me that she won't be at my bachelorette party or the BBQ and that she will be driving over on the day of the rehearsal instead. So this whole time she promised me she would be there for me and keeps telling me to let her know if I need anything from her, or if she can help in any way, and yet, when all I ask of her is to be there with me during my last few days of being single, she bails with just really bad excuses. And now that she isn't coming into town until the day of the rehearsal, I'm afraid that with her track record that she'll miss it. So my final decision has come down to that if she misses the rehearsal too, that I'm going to have to cut her from my wedding party. Is this too harsh?

Way TOO harsh. She lives OOT.... you really are going to make her come in town for all those parties that she's NOT required to go to? BMs just have to show up day of with the dress on and a smile. Are you paying for her gas money??? I'm missing ALL of my FSIL's parties due to living 8 hours away. I can't pay for my wedding if I drive 16 hours every weekend for her parties, my other BMs parties etc. They understand, why can't you? Things cost money, not everyone has money to throw out.

ETA: ugh I lose... thanks for bumping a zombie thread.

I almost did the same exact thing :P

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