Just Engaged and Proposals

Am I overreacting?! long rant..

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Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..

  • I just don't understand not wanting a ring that belonged to someone else.  But, I've always been a huge fan of antique jewelry.  My engagement ring belonged to my grandmother.  My grandfather (who's been dead since before I was born) was a real bastard and an alcoholic and cheated on my grandmother.  Just because their marriage wasn't great doesn't mean I don't love my ring or that my grandmother didn't love it either.  Yeah, it's associated with some bad things, but your feelings about your ring are what you make them. And I do think you're overreacting. 
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  • How is it that him buying a second-hand ring means he did not look?

    Maybe he was looking and could not find what he wanted in his budget, and then found this one which was exactly what he wanted AND in his budget?

    We don't know the whole story, and I sense maybe the OP does not either as she has not settled down quite enough to talk to him without all the drama. And I echo a PP who mentioned this may be why he was afraid to say anything.
  • Wow, hot topic here. Maybe this is not a case of over reacting but rather reacting instead of thinking first.

    Men are weird and they sometimes do things for very good reasons but fail to share the reason with us. It sounds like he really wanted you to have a geat ring, found a great deal and thought you would be thrilled. Sometimes we push people into a corner and they lie. I don't know if that is the case here, but it sounds like it's worth considering.

    As for demanding that he sell the ring and get you a new one. Quite frankly, that is terrible. You can discuss and weigh your options and compromise but demand? What if he says no? What are you going to do? That is very, very dangerous ground.
  • I asked my Fi about your situation and showed him the ring and says you are so not overreacting 
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  • It's not bad luck, that's dumb. My ring is an estate ring. I wanted something vintage, and I got an art deco ring from the 1930s. I love it. It was probably worn for 50 years by some little old lady. Or not. Maybe her husband was killed in action, or she was divorced. Who knows? I like that my ring has a story of it's own that I'll never know. Plus, it's unique and gorgeous.

    However, I think I remember your last post. He looked for the "perfect ring" for 2 years and never asked you what kind of ring you wanted, right? And then it looks like he just got the nicest but cheapest ring he could afford, rather than something he thought you'd like. No wonder you don't really like it. It would be one thing if he didn't consult you but considered your tastes. It's another to just buy a ring because it's available. I'd be a little offended. I don't know if I'd get a new one (maybe have it reset for the wedding?) but I'd have a long talk with FI. It's a symbol of your committment, not just "something he got a great deal on."
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  • Hey ladies,
     
    Let's remember that everyone on here is entitled to their own opinion and that's what makes The Knot so great. Try not to put others down because they don't agree with you nor have your same opinion. The sad thing is that this ia mainly coming from members who have a "S". I would expect that from newbies who don't quite get what The Knot represents. Tolerance ladies...tolerance. State your opinion and move on!

    BTW... Isn't there a rule on the knot about copying and pasting other people's replies into your message? Just out of curiosity?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:1580d316-4bf8-4bcd-9d87-67888d8c0ab2">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey ladies,   Let's remember that everyone on here is entitled to their own opinion and that's what makes The Knot so great. Try not to put others down because they don't agree with you nor have your same opinion. The sad thing is that this ia mainly coming from members who have a "S". I would expect that from newbies who don't quite get what The Knot represents. Tolerance ladies...tolerance. State your opinion and move on! BTW... Isn't there a rule on the knot about copying and pasting other people's replies into your message? Just out of curiosity?
    Posted by Krysten110[/QUOTE]

    Krysten - I don't think anyone was putting anyone else down really in this post.  Like you said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. 

    As far as your question about copying and pasting other's responses, you are incorrect.  It is against the rules to paste something that a user had previously deleted, but to quote someone is encouraged, that's why there is a quote feature here in the reply box.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:1580d316-4bf8-4bcd-9d87-67888d8c0ab2">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE] BTW... Isn't there a rule on the knot about copying and pasting other people's replies into your message? Just out of curiosity?
    Posted by Krysten110[/QUOTE]

    if that was the case why would The Knot put in a quote option???






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:1580d316-4bf8-4bcd-9d87-67888d8c0ab2">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]The sad thing is that this ia mainly coming from members who have a "S". I would expect that from newbies who don't quite get what The Knot represents. Tolerance ladies...tolerance. State your opinion and move on!
    Posted by Krysten110[/QUOTE]

    I am so glad Krysten is here to tell us all how we are supposed to post on this message board. KRYSTEN FOR KNOT PRESIDENT!!!!!1
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2009
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:cac9b71a-d727-42be-b900-be7edf22bc5c">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant.. : I am so glad Krysten is here to tell us all how we are supposed to post on this message board. KRYSTEN FOR KNOT PRESIDENT!!!!!1
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    Now is that really appropriate from a "G" poster???<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Whatever Lynda!! Stop quoting my posts in your posts!!
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  • Oh Krysten, bless your heart.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:8a18a453-c15f-4f8e-8166-1883cf532edf">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think you should be worried about bad luck. It's a ring, it doesn't posses any magical powers. If he got you this ring because it was something that he could afford and thought you would like then that's all that should matter. Maybe he really had been looking for a year and couldn't find anything in his price range that he liked and then he lucked out and got this great offer from a co-worker. I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
    Posted by I <3 Seabass[/QUOTE]


    After he asked my dad if he could marry me he was so excited about the ring that he bought and told my parents also that he had been looking and looking and really liked this one when he saw it.  I talked to my mom and she also said I was overreacting, that he was so excited about it and that if I said anything else it would really hurt his feelings, which I definitely don't want to do!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:4498e478-7ed0-46b0-98a0-6a5fc2bde645">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I went back and found your original post about not liking the ring, and I tell you what really bothers me is that he lied to you.  According to your previous post, he told you he got it at Zales and that he bought the lifetime warranty, neither of which was true.  That kind of bugs me.  You guys are going to get married, he shouldn't be embarrassed to tell you that he can't afford to pay full price for a ring, he should have been able to talk to you about what he could afford or just buy what he could afford and be confident in you that you would love it even if it were small. This all makes me wonder if he was feeling some pressure from you for a big fancy unique ring.
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]


    He said he that it was FROM Zales, and came with the lifetime warranty.  He never specifically said that he bought it AT Zales.  Also, there was no pressure from me in any way sort or form about a fancy ring, we never even discussed or even went to look at rings before, but had discussed marriage a lot and we both knew that we were the one for each other.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:d5751553-40e9-457a-8911-85fe7f6097fb">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe your FI waited to tell you because he knew you were going to be a drama queen over it. Well at least he knows you then.
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    If you knew me at all you'd know I am the anti-drama queen.  So what if I was pissed that he didn't tell me about it right after the fact, instead of waiting until a month later?!
  • I would still talk to him and state your feelings on the matter. It's not about the ring, its about how this situation made you feel. Explain you think it was shady and it looked like he was hiding something. It's more about comminication that the "used" ring, you know?
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  • no you are NOT overreacting.
     
    of course I am very biased to having the RIGHT ring. (I am a custom jeweler and custom design and make engagment rings and wedding bands as my job) because of this I am very paticular of what I want. hence my fiance is letting me design and make my own ring

    but bias or no bias, you are supposed to be wearing this ring for the rest of your life. why would a 'tainted' ring be acceptable in anyones mind. I can understand a ring that has been passed down from generation to generation within a family, but buying YOUR ring off of some guy. I view as completely unacceptable. He should try to return the ring to the guy OR go to Zales and trade it in for a NEW ring.

    I feel that any tension this ring is creating from being 'tainted' is will only grow over time. Just think how happy you would be with a new ring, even if you are only able to trade it in for a smaller one. 
  • I'm over this thread, I wish I could delete it so I don't have to read about how I'm apparently a shallow b!tch...Cry
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:711ebf4a-43dc-49d5-b2ce-a25e6ed9fccc">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm over this thread, I wish I could delete it so I don't have to read about how I'm apparently a shallow b!tch...
    Posted by PrincssGS[/QUOTE]

    Just stop reading it then!  Don't delete it or edit your original post out.  Your thoughts and reactions, and the responses here may help other girls who are feeling the same way you are.  I don't think many of us think you're a "shallow b!tch".  You asked if people thought you were over-reacting and some people do, so there you go.
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  • We made quite an impression on Krysten. She's been ranting about all of us meanies on the destination boards.
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  • How do you know it's from a failed engagement?  Maybe their marriage was so awesome that she traded up for a better ring. 

    It's only bad luck if you make it be bad luck.  A ring can't curse your marriage.

    And I agree with Dani that the only red flag here is that he was deceitful.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:4498e478-7ed0-46b0-98a0-6a5fc2bde645">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I went back and found your original post about not liking the ring, and I tell you what really bothers me is that he lied to you.  According to your previous post, he told you he got it at Zales and that he bought the lifetime warranty, neither of which was true.  That kind of bugs me.  <strong>You guys are going to get married, he shouldn't be embarrassed to tell you that he can't afford to pay full price for a ring, he should have been able to talk to you about what he could afford or just buy what he could afford and be confident in you that you would love it even if it were small.</strong> This all makes me wonder if he was feeling some pressure from you for a big fancy unique ring. Your original concern about being able to wear it at work though is still valid.  I really don't know what I would do.  I would have a talk about it I think, 1) about why he felt like he needed to lie about the ring and 2) your concerns about being able to wear it at work and see where that conversation takes you.
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    Not surprising but I completely agree with Dani.  A ring is just a ring but you guys should be able to talk openly about this purchase without getting upset.
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  • I'm not exactly sure how I would react. I was really involved in the ring selection process.  The result is that I have a ring I love and would be happy to wear for years to come.  If you don't like the ring, then you should speak up.
  • Hey, it's not the ring's fault the couple didn't make it... A ring deserves to be worn by some one who enjoys it.
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  • edited December 2009

    I don't think you are over reacting. 

     

    IMO, If this had happen to me, every time I looked at the ring it would remain me of how I was intentionally mislead by my FI.  (Regardless of the reasons)  I would talk to my FI about how I felt and talk about selling the ring.  With the money from the sale of the ring, which is mostly likely to be less then what he paid for it, I would look with my FI on Amazon and Overstock (to get a good deal)  for a new ring and buy it. 

     

    Sorry that this happen to you. Frown

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:4498e478-7ed0-46b0-98a0-6a5fc2bde645">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I went back and found your original post about not liking the ring, and I tell you what really bothers me is that he lied to you.  According to your previous post, he told you he got it at Zales and that he bought the lifetime warranty, neither of which was true.  That kind of bugs me.  You guys are going to get married, he shouldn't be embarrassed to tell you that he can't afford to pay full price for a ring, he should have been able to talk to you about what he could afford or just buy what he could afford and be confident in you that you would love it even if it were small. This all makes me wonder if he was feeling some pressure from you for a big fancy unique ring. Your original concern about being able to wear it at work though is still valid.  I really don't know what I would do.  I would have a talk about it I think, 1) about why he felt like he needed to lie about the ring and 2) your concerns about being able to wear it at work and see where that conversation takes you.
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    THIS exactly!! I would definitely feel disappointed and concerned as to why he lied to you. I recently found DH lying about my Hanukkah gift that he said was already purchased, later I find out "I picked it out and its as good as purchased."

    The bigger deal is not the ring (and no, you are not jinxed or bound to have a failed marriage, at least, not b/c of someone else's wrong) but rather, WHY he did it. You need to get to the bottom of that. IN terms of what to do with the ring now, assuming of course you settle what happened and why and are ok with it, is perhaps to remove it from the setting, sell that metal, and get the setting you want with that diamond. 1.5 carats is a LOT but the quality of the diamonds at zales is not that great (from my experience, other's could have gotten good diamonds there).
    See if maybe you can list it on craigslist and sell it, or reset it at least.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:cfd873ff-faff-486d-bdaa-1fbf0fe4313f">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]no you are NOT overreacting.   of course I am very biased to having the RIGHT ring. (I am a custom jeweler and custom design and make engagment rings and wedding bands as my job) because of this I am very paticular of what I want. hence my fiance is letting me design and make my own ring but bias or no bias, you are supposed to be wearing this ring for the rest of your life. why would a 'tainted' ring be acceptable in anyones mind. I can understand a ring that has been passed down from generation to generation within a family, but buying YOUR ring off of some guy. I view as completely unacceptable. He should try to return the ring to the guy OR go to Zales and trade it in for a NEW ring. I feel that any tension this ring is creating from being 'tainted' is will only grow over time. Just think how happy you would be with a new ring, even if you are only able to trade it in for a smaller one. 
    Posted by zippykat[/QUOTE]

    How the heck can a ring be tainted? It's a piece of jewelry! It's there for aesthetic reasons! It doesn't keep a tally of where it's been or why it's been passed along.  Is your engagement any less valid if you don't have a ring? So why does it matter where the ring came from if it really doesn't matter whether or not there's a ring in the first place?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:1bd01398-c10c-4055-a4ec-75acef787f1b">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant.. : How the heck can a ring be tainted? It's a piece of jewelry! It's there for aesthetic reasons! It doesn't keep a tally of where it's been or why it's been passed along.  Is your engagement any less valid if you don't have a ring? So why does it matter where the ring came from if it really doesn't matter whether or not there's a ring in the first place?
    Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]


    I think you missed the point here- its not a matter of where it came from necessarily, its that he felt the need to LIE about it (so he obviously also realizes there is something "off' about the recycled ring- otherwise he would have told her the truth not the half truth)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:2c41b992-1dec-4b5c-949e-a7ea0fae5fba">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant.. : I think you missed the point here- its not a matter of where it came from necessarily, its that he felt the need to LIE about it (so he obviously also realizes there is something "off' about the recycled ring- otherwise he would have told her the truth not the half truth)
    Posted by alinaandjared[/QUOTE]

    I wasn't responding to the OP at all. I was merely responding to the post that <em>I had quoted</em>. And as far as I can tell, I did not miss the point because the poster clearly states her opinion on "tainted" rings, which is kind of ridiculous considering even heirloom rings may have come from situations that might not be favorable. Would she ask about the history of the family ring before accepting it?

    I agree that him being secretive about it is a little on the off side, however I also feel like she may be throwing a fit because she didn't like the ring to begin with.  For all we know, he might have been secretive about it because he felt like it wasn't a big deal and thought that it was the perfect ring for her. Think about it this way, if she loved the ring, would it have mattered where he got it from? Would she even have asked? So why would he bring it up if he really thought that it was perfect for her? Who's to say that he didn't take a lot of time trying to find the perfect ring? This is her second thread complaining about her ring. So, to me, it seems like she's just trying to find reasons to get rid of it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_am-overreacting-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:62506c3f-2e2f-4c8e-9df8-7777f2e0782bPost:4498e478-7ed0-46b0-98a0-6a5fc2bde645">Re: Am I overreacting?! long rant..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I went back and found your original post about not liking the ring, and I tell you what really bothers me is that he lied to you.  According to your previous post, he told you he got it at Zales and that he bought the lifetime warranty, neither of which was true.  That kind of bugs me.  You guys are going to get married, he shouldn't be embarrassed to tell you that he can't afford to pay full price for a ring, he should have been able to talk to you about what he could afford or just buy what he could afford and be confident in you that you would love it even if it were small. This all makes me wonder if he was feeling some pressure from you for a big fancy unique ring. Your original concern about being able to wear it at work though is still valid.  I really don't know what I would do.  I would have a talk about it I think, 1) about why he felt like he needed to lie about the ring and 2) your concerns about being able to wear it at work and see where that conversation takes you.
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    I agree.  In terms of he lied to you, no I don't think you are overreacting.  You are getting married, is that how you want to start your lives together? On a lie?  I wouldn't.  I've always said that trust is necessary in a relationship.  So, to me if he lied about the ring and yes THAT is a big deal.  That would make me mad; I don't tolerate lying.  I especially would not tolerate it from the person I intend on marrying, and spending the rest of my life with.  But maybe he lied because he knows you and suspected you would freak out about it if you knew the truth. 

    However, I do think you are overreacting in the fact that he bought you a "second hand" ring.  You said he's a student and spent a year and a half looking, it is possible that he wanted to buy you a unique ring but discovered that he can't afford it; so this deal came up and took it.  Have you actually talked to him in a calm manor about WHY he picked that ring?  Remember HE is the one that selecte and purchased the ring.  I don't see anything wrong in the fact that he bought it second hand...if anything he's savvy...he saw an opprotunity to not spend a fortune on the ring and took advantage of that. 

    The fact that the warrant is voided doesn't really matter...you'll need to get it appraised and buy insurance on it anyways. 
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