Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help

EricaBehnke · May 2010

Hey Everyone,

My Fiance and I want to have a fun relaxed engagement party to celebrate. Because we are not sure if we are going to be having a destination wedding in Mexico, I want to invite a significant amount of people 50+. To accommodate our family and friends I wanted to have a family and friends picnic at a park since many of our friends have children. We were thinking to have a softball game to as our main "fun game" and pass out team shirts as our favors. My question is my parents are not keen on the idea. Should I consider my parents feelings and go for a more intimate and "mature" setting, which would also mean I would have to cut the guest list to about 20 people. Since we are paying for the engagement party, either choice can not be too elaborate. Suggestions please?

EricaBehnke · May 2010

Thanks for the great idea! After what my parents said do you think that people would think that the casual setting with softball is kind of silly and unorthodox? It has a family reunion kind of feel to it. But since we both value family I thought it would work for us.

bbyckes · May 2010

Just an FYI, while all this is great and dandy, you don't plan your own engagement party, regarless of the circumstances surrounding your wedding plans. Someone else throws it for you. If you want to have a get-together - do that, but it's poor etiquette to throw your own.

redheadfsu · May 2010

Don't throw your own Eparty. Plus everyone invited should be invited to the wedding.

katanne9 · May 2010

I would have a small party if you're considering a DW. Everyone invited to the e-party must be invited to the wedding.

Also, you shouldn't be throwing your own e-party.

nessalen3 · May 2010

Actually, if you have a destination wedding, then it's okay to invite people to the engagement party that aren't going to be invited to the destination wedding. You can invite them to all pre-wedding parties if you're planning a small DW. My fiance and I are considering a DW in a rainforest, and we're planning to invite all our friends, that won't be invited to the wedding, to all pre-wedding parties, plus a casual at-home reception after the DW.

Check any etiquette site about destination weddings, they all same the same thing as that, so don't listen to these ladies about that.

EDIT: But don't invite someone to the e-party, then decide not to have a DW and not invite them to the wedding that you'll have near your home. That is what you're not allowed to do!

luckyme502 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:0868e161-41cf-480d-bc5f-082df7d09c0d">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, if you have a destination wedding, then it's okay to invite people to the engagement party that aren't going to be invited to the destination wedding. You can invite them to all pre-wedding parties if you're planning a small DW. My fiance and I are considering a DW in a rainforest, and we're planning to invite all our friends, that won't be invited to the wedding, to all pre-wedding parties, plus a casual at-home reception after the DW. Check any etiquette site about destination weddings, they all same the same thing as that, so don't listen to these ladies about that. EDIT: But don't invite someone to the e-party, then decide not to have a DW and not invite them to the wedding that you'll have near your home. That is what you're not allowed to do!
Posted by nessalen3[/QUOTE]

Really, and what do all those lovely DW websites have to say about throwing your own eparty? I would love to know.

luckyme502 · May 2010

You can throw your own engagement party, no one is going to stop you, and the police won't come arrest you. Engagement parties are a gift giving party, so you don't throw your own. It's proper etiquette. "We" aren't just making this up.

nessalen3 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:b5d5f5f5-e621-4548-8a5b-c8938e7502f8">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help : Really, and what do all those lovely DW websites have to say about throwing your own eparty? I would love to know.
Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]

I never said anything about throwing or not throwing your own engagement party. Please don't try to argue with me about something that I didn't even talk about.

Engagement parties are NOT traditionally gift giving parties, but it's still considered rude to throw your own. I'm not throwing mine, but I say that if someone wants to throw their own, then they should do it. If no one is going to offer to host a couple's engagement party, then why should they have to give up having one? Definitely don't ask for or expect gifts, but have a fun party to celebrate your engagement.

I think of etiquette as a guideline, not as a hard and fast rule. There are some etiquette rules that everyone should follow, because not doing so would be callous or selfish, but most of them are just guidelines. If they're having fun and not hurting anyone, go for it!

luckyme502 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:a47f5bb8-59e4-4f31-8ee0-4295106ab172">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help : I never said anything about throwing or not throwing your own engagement party. Please don't try to argue with me about something that I didn't even talk about. Engagement parties are NOT traditionally gift giving parties, but it's still considered rude to throw your own. I'm not throwing mine, but I say that if someone wants to throw their own, then they should do it. If no one is going to offer to host a couple's engagement party, then why should they have to give up having one? Definitely don't ask for or expect gifts, but have a fun party to celebrate your engagement. I think of etiquette as a guideline, not as a hard and fast rule. There are some etiquette rules that everyone should follow, because not doing so would be callous or selfish, but most of them are just guidelines. If they're having fun and not hurting anyone, go for it!
Posted by nessalen3[/QUOTE]

Etiquette is not guidelines. They are rules. Only people who want to break the rules of etiquette consider them guidelines.

Engagement Parties are traditionally gift giving events. If no one offers to host an engagement party for you, you don't have one, sorry.

If no one offers to host a bridal shower for you are you going to throw yourself one?

nessalen3 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:a4996b6a-3502-4e37-8e53-d19236f186d9">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help : Etiquette is not guidelines. They are rules. Only people who want to break the rules of etiquette consider them guidelines. Engagement Parties are traditionally gift giving events. If no one offers to host an engagement party for you, you don't have one, sorry. If no one offers to host a bridal shower for you are you going to throw yourself one?
Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]

Exactly. As I said, I THINK of etiquette as guidelines. I am one of those people who want to break the rules of etiquette. I believe not all of them are appropriate for every person. Of course, that doesn't mean that I believe everyone else should feel the same way as I do. I know that I'm not a traditionalist and that I like doing things a little different; I don't expect everyone to be the same.

And NO, giving gifts at engagement parties are not mandatory. No one has to bring a gift. No one should expect gifts at their engagement party. I would never throw myself a bridal shower, because bridal showers are gift giving events. Engagement parties are not.

For someone who says etiquette is a rule, you really don't know too much about proper etiquette.

luckyme502 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:bcb4bb21-2d6c-4ee8-b65d-237bde9473a8">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help : Exactly. As I said, I THINK of etiquette as guidelines. I am one of those people who want to break the rules of etiquette. I believe not all of them are appropriate for every person. Of course, that doesn't mean that I believe everyone else should feel the same way as I do. I know that I'm not a traditionalist and that I like doing things a little different; I don't expect everyone to be the same. <strong>And NO, giving gifts at engagement parties are not mandatory.</strong> No one has to bring a gift. No one should expect gifts at their engagement party. I would never throw myself a bridal shower, because bridal showers are gift giving events. Engagement parties are not. For someone who says etiquette is a rule, you really don't know too much about proper etiquette.
Posted by nessalen3[/QUOTE]

Okay, I never said that gifts were mandatory at all! Gifts aren't mandatory at any function. What I did say, was that they are traditionally gift giving events. Most people will bring a gift to an engagement party.

If you feel like etiquette rules can be broken, then you are the one giving bad advice when you tell other people to break the rules too.

I know that I know more about proper etiquette than you.

I also know how to argue a point without putting words in the others person's mouth. Twisting people's words is what happens when you can't support your argument.

tlv204 · May 2010

I don't care if you're having a DW or not, inviting people to an engagement party who aren't invited to the wedding is just rude. When you decide to have a small wedding, you forfeit things like large prewedding parties. That's part of the deal.

ricksang · May 2010

Rude is Rude. Seriously Ness.

http://www.a-to-z-of-manners-and-etiquette.com/engagement-party-etiquette.html

http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/wedding-planning-ideas/wedding-parties-bridal-showers/articles/hosting-an-engagement-party.aspx

http://www.ehow.com/how_2315769_follow-engagement-party-etiquette.html

tlv204 · May 2010

Scroll down to "who's invited." You dont' get special consideration just because you decide to travel to get married. It's still rude.

http://emilypost.com/weddings/tips/party_planning.htm

ootmother2 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:0868e161-41cf-480d-bc5f-082df7d09c0d">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, if you have a destination wedding, then it's okay to invite people to the engagement party that aren't going to be invited to the destination wedding. You can invite them to all pre-wedding parties if you're planning a small DW. My fiance and I are considering a DW in a rainforest, and we're planning to invite all our friends, that won't be invited to the wedding, to all pre-wedding parties, plus a casual at-home reception after the DW. Check any etiquette site about destination weddings, they all same the same thing as that, so don't listen to these ladies about that. EDIT: But don't invite someone to the e-party, then decide not to have a DW and not invite them to the wedding that you'll have near your home. That is what you're not allowed to do!
Posted by nessalen3[/QUOTE]

WRONG!

1) You don't give yourself an engagement party
2) Don't invite anyone to a pre wedding party unless they are invited to the wedding (or AHR if one is held after the DW)

nessalen3 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:a89d7952-d25d-4319-880c-7c647a160f64">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help : WRONG! 1) You don't give yourself an engagement party 2) Don't invite anyone to a pre wedding party unless they are invited to the wedding (or AHR if one is held after the DW)
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

1. In the post you quoted me on, I never said they should throw themselves an engagement party. I am not throwing my own, but if someone wants to do it, who's to stop them? Who cares what other people think? If they don't care, they should go for it!

2. Every person that's invited to my e-party is invited to my AHR. And I believe not doing so would be rude.

So I don't see how I am WRONG, like you said.

nessalen3 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:3f98c7a0-6398-4f12-8ba5-8933ecf50977">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Rude is Rude. Seriously Ness. <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.a-to-z-of-manners-and-etiquette.com/engagement-party-etiquette.html">http://www.a-to-z-of-manners-and-etiquette.com/engagement-party-etiquette.html</a> <a rel="nofollow" href="http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/wedding-planning-ideas/wedding-parties-bridal-showers/articles/hosting-an-engagement-party.aspx">http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/wedding-planning-ideas/wedding-parties-bridal-showers/articles/hosting-an-engagement-party.aspx</a> <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.ehow.com/how_2315769_follow-engagement-party-etiquette.html">http://www.ehow.com/how_2315769_follow-engagement-party-etiquette.html</a>
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

In the second link you gave, it clearly says that

"Sometimes, though, the wedding will be a small family-only affair and the engagement party will be a big bash. In that case, let those invited to the engagement party know so there won’t be any surprises."

Which means, yes, you should invite everyone, except when you are having an intimate wedding. DWs are usually intimate weddings.

Here are some links from my point of view:

<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.mygatsby.com/wedding_invitations/etiquette/engagement_party_invitations.jsp">http://www.mygatsby.com/wedding_invitations/etiquette/engagement_party_invitations.jsp</a>

<a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/engagement-questions/qa/whos-invited-to-engagement-party.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/engagement-questions/qa/whos-invited-to-engagement-party.aspx</a>

They both state that there is an exception to the "rule" if the wedding will be considerably smaller than the engagement party.

I'm sorry that I offended so many people with this, but I truly believe it's okay to have a DW AND a large e-party. I don't know about other people's cases, but in mine, everyone from my e-party is being invited to an at home reception, so it's not like I'm excluding them from everything after the e-party. I think it's a great compromise for me- having the intimate DW I want, and being able to include other friends in the process.

TupeloChick · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:0868e161-41cf-480d-bc5f-082df7d09c0d">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, if you have a destination wedding, then it's okay to invite people to the engagement party that aren't going to be invited to the destination wedding. You can invite them to all pre-wedding parties if you're planning a small DW. My fiance and I are considering a DW in a rainforest, and we're planning to invite all our friends, that won't be invited to the wedding, to all pre-wedding parties, plus a casual at-home reception after the DW. Check any etiquette site about destination weddings, they all same the same thing as that, so don't listen to these ladies about that. EDIT: But don't invite someone to the e-party, then decide not to have a DW and not invite them to the wedding that you'll have near your home. That is what you're not allowed to do!
Posted by nessalen3[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Actually you are wrong, if you are having a destination wedding then you don't have any kind of pre-wedding parties. DW's are basically modern versions of eloping.

</div>

TupeloChick · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:60315de2-3b8c-4ef4-b753-d808797f6eca">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is it rude to plan your own e-party fi you are not asking for gifts??? That really makes no sense to me?? I can plan my own wedding but not the parties?? HUH?? We are polanning our own e-party but it is nothing formal. It's going to be at a sports bar and grill. There will be people there who are not invited to the wedding (FB friends who we haven't seen since high school, college friends, etc. They are basically people who we only talk to on FB, but who want to see us and have some type of celebration with us.) There will be no gifts or anything like that. I just don't get the rude part. We're throwing a party. What is rude about that??
Posted by MISSCOURTNEY20[/QUOTE]

<div>If you don't want gifts, don't call it an Eparty. Wait till after the wedding and invite everyone who couldn't go to your DW to a post-wedding picnic. Specify no gifts please.</div>

TupeloChick · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:d73c9ae7-adac-4b41-b64c-389890128478">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't care if you're having a DW or not, inviting people to an engagement party who aren't invited to the wedding is just rude. When you decide to have a small wedding, you forfeit things like large prewedding parties. That's part of the deal.
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

<div>This. Eparties, showers, etc. are all part of the formal/old fashioned wedding traditions. If formal/old fashioned isn't what you want or can afford, you don't do any of it. I personally think Eparties are just a gift grab.</div>

nessalen3 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:a9b58313-54d2-4e9a-ab13-7d37b2d2579b">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help : Actually you are wrong, if you are having a destination wedding then you don't have any kind of pre-wedding parties. DW's are basically modern versions of eloping.
Posted by TupeloChick[/QUOTE]

Maybe YOU don't have any kind of pre-wedding parties, but most DW brides do. I'd love to see people post that on DW boards and see how the brides feel about that.

And I thought eloping was still the modern day version of eloping. You don't just run off to another country (or state) at the last minute and get married when you have a DW. There's almost as much planning for a DW as there is for a regular wedding. The only main difference is that it's in a far away place from where you live.

nessalen3 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_opinion-engagment-party-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ce951b6f-aafd-4901-8c15-63b20f882f3bPost:0ef27e34-e90f-4fc9-8992-73d7822fccec">Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help : This. Eparties, showers, etc. are all part of the formal/old fashioned wedding traditions. If formal/old fashioned isn't what you want or can afford, you don't do any of it. I personally think Eparties are just a gift grab.
Posted by TupeloChick[/QUOTE]

A wedding is traditional, but that doesn't mean couples don't have updated weddings with different ideas from the norm. The same goes for pre-wedding parties. DW brides can still have them, they might just have them updated with different ideas from the norm. Just because you think e-parties are a gift grab, doesn't mean they are. To expect gifts at your e-party is selfish. No one has to give you a gift.

banana468 · May 2010

To expect gifts ever is selfish.

But it's also selfish to throw your own party.

It's equally selfish to be OK with someone throwing you a pre-wedding event and to know that the guest list includes people that you have no intention of asking to be there when you tie the knot - only to see you at some party to again, celebrate what you've already done.

Etiquette and good taste still exist this day my dear.

ootmother2 · May 2010

Erica, FSS! Get your name off the knot. you are marrying my cousin and i just don't think this will fly.

CHANGE your SN

ywia

EricaBehnke · May 2010

Wow I didnt think this was such a big deal. To clarify, my parents will be hosting the party however due to economic times i offered to pay for it. I dont want to burden my parents with uncessary costs. Secondly, Im not expecting nor do I really want gifts. This is just a chance for family to come together and have a good time and get to know future family members. I dont want people to feel pressured into not going because they think gifts are required. Maybe I shouldnt call it a engagement party, how about a future to be family reunion.... Thanks to everyone who gave nice suggestions and good luck to everyone however far along they are in their planning process.

Erica

EricaBehnke · May 2010

Im sorry but i think you have the wrong Erica i dont know you

rcanales · May 2010

If you're throwing yourself an engagement party to announce your engagement and not expecting gifts then WHO CARES??? No one follows tradition anymore. Hell whit dresses are "traditional" but most people don't even know the history behind that. I think your idea is fine.

Erica its your "party" do what you want. Do let strangers tell you your being rude. And also how are any of your guests going to know unless you flat out tell them?

rcanales · May 2010

FYI:

http://sp2.dictionary.com/en/i/dictionary/results_mid_hdr.png')">t·i·quette [et-i-kit, -ket]

Show IPA

–noun

1.

conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.

2.

a prescribed or accepted code of usage in matters of ceremony, as at a court or in official or other formal observances.

3.

the code of ethical behavior regarding professional practice or action among the members of a profession in their dealings with each other: medical etiquette.

Origin:
1740–50; < F étiquette, MF estiquette ticket, memorandum, deriv. ofestiqu(i)er to attach, stick < Gmc. See stick², -ette

—Synonyms
1. Etiquette, decorum, propriety imply observance of the formal requirements governing behavior in polite society. Etiquette refers to conventional forms and usages: the rules of etiquette. Decorumsuggests dignity and a sense of what is becoming or appropriate for a person of good breeding: a fine sense of decorum. Propriety(usually plural) implies established conventions of morals and good taste: She never fails to observe the proprieties.

http://sp2.dictionary.com/en/i/dictionary/results_mid_hdr.png')">

Word Origin & History

etiquette

1750, from Fr. étiquette "prescribed behavior," from O.Fr.estiquette "label, ticket." The sense development in Fr. is from small cards written or printed with instructions for how to behave properly at court (cf. It. etichetta, Sp. etiqueta), and/or from behavior instructions written on a soldier's billet for lodgings (the main sense of the O.Fr. word).

Its a code. Not a rule. If it was a rule then people would get in trouble for breaking it. Etiquette is simply something for people to abide by. But in modern day it doesn't matter.

rcanales · May 2010

Ugh I meant *white and *don't...

banana468 · May 2010

Etiquette does matter.

The only people it doesn't matter to are those who think it's acceptable to do the offensive.

Opinion on Engagment Party.... Please help

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