Delete

NMK1208 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:1fbf5ad5-0153-4bf8-866a-7005370a9261">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]Utterly curious about what this girl did that made her unable to be a BM but could still perform unpaid labor at your wedding. And yeah, I think you're 100% in the wrong.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh my word. Since everyone is dying to know, it isn't just about the dress! Her boyfriend does not want her being a bridesmaid!!! He is the control freak, who doesn't want her walking down the aisle with another guy for 5 seconds! My friends ex boyfriend is one of my FH groomsmens, but she isn't even walking with him! My other friend and I have tried talking to her, but she says it isn't worth the fight with him. I even tried talking to him and so has my FH! He just tells us that he isn't comfortable with it and that's that. We have tried changing so much to make this guy happy like not having a head table or even her walking down the aisle with another guy. But it still bothers him. This whole thing goes into a totally new topic. She felt it was best if she was part of our wedding some other way to avoid the arguments with him. </div><div>
</div><div>The dress thing was irritating, she says she had the money. But we would need to go get the dress right when she gets her paycheck or the money would be gone. She doesn't save a penny of her money, but that's none of my business. It just kind of hurt me that she would rather spend on useless things and couldn't just put money aside to put a payment towards the dress.</div>

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:516d394c-831d-4e4b-8e28-59041f5ce1c7">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Delete : Oh my word. Since everyone is dying to know, it isn't just about the dress! Her boyfriend does not want her being a bridesmaid!!! He is the control freak, who doesn't want her walking down the aisle with another guy for 5 seconds! My friends ex boyfriend is one of my FH groomsmens, but she isn't even walking with him! My other friend and I have tried talking to her, but she says it isn't worth the fight with him. I even tried talking to him and so has my FH! He just tells us that he isn't comfortable with it and that's that. We have tried changing so much to make this guy happy like not having a head table or even her walking down the aisle with another guy. But it still bothers him. This whole thing goes into a totally new topic. She felt it was best if she was part of our wedding some other way to avoid the arguments with him. The dress thing was irritating, she says she had the money. But we would need to go get the dress right when she gets her paycheck or the money would be gone. She doesn't save a penny of her money, but that's none of my business. <strong>It just kind of hurt me that she would rather spend on useless things and couldn't just put money aside to put a payment towards the dress.</strong>
Posted by NMK1208[/QUOTE]
If your BM dresses require an installment plan or for the BMs to save up, you picked something that was too expensive. If you had any hand in her "stepping down," which you said you did in your OP, you get to share the blame. What you should have said is, "I just want you there--dress or no dress. Show up in a potato sack and I'll be happy." I can appreciate wanting a certain look, but to me it goes too far if someone has to drop out over what you picked. Surely you can be more accommodating.<div>
</div><div>Why is it so hard for some people to comprehend that nice, considerate friends ask their nearest and dearest for their budgets and input before foisting a dress on them? Is this really so complicated?</div>

Simply Fated · December 2010

Wait, wait, wait....
One of the jobs you are considering giving her is to make a speech? After you asked her to step down?

"Thank you all for coming. As a speech giver who was formerly a bridesmaid, I've was asked to stand here and tell you how great the bride is. She asked me to give this speech. I didn't want to pay the cost of an Alfred Angelo bridesmaids dress, so she asked me to steo down and I aggreed. Now, instead of getting to be a bridemaid, I get to give you this speech to tell you how great the bride is and how happy I am for her. Did I mention she asked me to step down and I agreed? Yep, that's right. I decided not to pay for a specific dress and, instead, give this speech. According to the bride, it's an honor and I should be honored. Congratulations to the happy couple. I was asked to say this."

ETA: I call Bull on the other reason. That reason is much more serious and if it were true, you'd have mentioned that in your OP and not the stupid dress being the reason.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:28102a3b-b94b-4fd3-9a2e-b315c12913d1">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, wait, wait.... One of the jobs you are considering giving her is to make a speech? After you asked her to step down? "Thank you all for coming. As a speech giver who was formerly a bridesmaid, I've was asked to stand here and tell you how great the bride is. She asked me to give this speech. I didn't want to pay the cost of an Alfred Angelo bridesmaids dress, so she asked me to steo down and I aggreed. Now, instead of getting to be a bridemaid, I get to give you this speech to tell you how great the bride is and how happy I am for her. Did I mention she asked me to step down and I agreed? Yep, that's right. I decided not to pay for a specific dress and, instead, give this speech. According to the bride, it's an honor and I should be honored. Congratulations to the happy couple. I was asked to say this." ETA: I call Bull on the other reason. That reason is much more serious and if it were true, you'd have mentioned that in your OP and not the stupid dress being the reason.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
<High-Fives />

NMK1208 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:84dc40ba-4c62-4e94-9b09-45ad3b004640">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]Holy cow. That is so not even close to what your last post said. And it still doesn't change what actually happened. You asked her to step down (unless that too was an incorrect statement) and that was a poor move for a friend to make. While the walking down the aisle thing is over the top, your BM's boyfriend had every right not to want her to sit at a head table without him, and her not being able to afford the dress should never have been an issue in the first place. It also still doesn't change the fact that crap jobs aren't honors. The "honors" in a wedding are WP members, readers/soloists, and sometimes ushers depending on how the couple treats and approaches this position. Everything else is just working at someone else's party for free.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I shouldn't have even put anything in the original post about me asking her to step down. She had talked about not knowing what she wanted to do and I asked her if she wanted to step down. She thought it would be best after the countless fights they have gotten into over this. It wasn't all about the dress. I didn't even want to go into the reasoning. Silly me, didn't think it would be brought up. We wanted to do a head table, but since most of our wedding party has other halfs that aren't in the wedding, we thought it might be best to just do a sweetheart table. </div><div>
</div><div>To reply to the other poster, the bridal store allows you to pay half. My girl's dresses cost $75. When I said to put money aside I meant like $10 a paycheck, maybe? I did that for my friends wedding, her dresses cost around $150. If I had the money to pay for all my bridesmaid's dresses I would. She knew about the dress since June, but there are other underlying problems other than this.</div>

NMK1208 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:28102a3b-b94b-4fd3-9a2e-b315c12913d1">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, wait, wait.... One of the jobs you are considering giving her is to make a speech? After you asked her to step down? "Thank you all for coming. As a speech giver who was formerly a bridesmaid, I've was asked to stand here and tell you how great the bride is. She asked me to give this speech. I didn't want to pay the cost of an Alfred Angelo bridesmaids dress, so she asked me to steo down and I aggreed. Now, instead of getting to be a bridemaid, I get to give you this speech to tell you how great the bride is and how happy I am for her. Did I mention she asked me to step down and I agreed? Yep, that's right. I decided not to pay for a specific dress and, instead, give this speech. According to the bride, it's an honor and I should be honored. Congratulations to the happy couple. I was asked to say this." ETA: I call Bull on the other reason. That reason is much more serious and if it were true, you'd have mentioned that in your OP and not the stupid dress being the reason.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I didn't ask her to give a speech. I wouldn't ask her because she doesn't like talking infront of a lot of people. I said before there were personal issues that I didn't want to say. I didn't think asking about other roles in our wedding would lead to me having to explain all the reasons why she isn't going to be a bridesmaid. </div>

bablingbrooke · December 2010

Alright I'm gonna spell this out nice and simple-like because I've had a very rough day and I'm on something like my fourth glass of wine: If you didn't ask her for her budget before you picked the dress out, you were in the wrong. I don't care if it was only $150, and if 99% of BMs are happy as clams with that price, you need to ask her. Now, if you did ask her, "What are you comfortable spending?" and she said, "$150ish" and you found something for $150 and she's now claiming it doesn't work, that's a horse of a different color. But my impression is that you didn't do that, that you picked it and told her to buy it. Doing that has the potential to lead to this (this being your situation).

Plus, if a matter of $150 is what makes or breaks your friend being in the WP, I would pay it. Compared to what the wedding probably costs (high or low budget) and given that $150 never, ever breaks anyone's budget, I would have paid for it. Or let her pick something coordinating that she could have worn instead.

Simply Fated · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:aa9027e1-1797-4596-94ac-128ca564fba8">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Delete : I didn't ask her to give a speech. I wouldn't ask her because she doesn't like talking infront of a lot of people. I said before there were personal issues that I didn't want to say. I didn't think asking about other roles in our wedding would lead to me having to explain all the reasons why she isn't going to be a bridesmaid.
Posted by NMK1208[/QUOTE]
You said in your OP that <em>she </em>said <em>she</em> didn't want to give a speech or do the guest book. Which means this must have come up in conversation at some point where this was a consideration.
Unless she completely randomly and out of the blue without any prompting from you said, "Thanks for letting me not be in the wedding party. Can I do something else, but not the guest book or make a speech?"

NMK1208 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:3963603f-5235-4ada-ab66-c251c316163e">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright I'm gonna spell this out nice and simple-like because I've had a very rough day and I'm on something like my fourth glass of wine: If you didn't ask her for her budget before you picked the dress out, you were in the wrong. I don't care if it was only $150, and if 99% of BMs are happy as clams with that price, you need to ask her. Now, if you did ask her, "What are you comfortable spending?" and she said, "$150ish" and you found something for $150 and she's now claiming it doesn't work, that's a horse of a different color. But my impression is that you didn't do that, that you picked it and told her to buy it. Doing that has the potential to lead to this (this being your situation). Plus, if a matter of $150 is what makes or breaks your friend being in the WP, I would pay it. Compared to what the wedding probably costs (high or low budget) and given that $150 never, ever breaks anyone's budget, I would have paid for it. Or let her pick something coordinating that she could have worn instead.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>Not the case at all. My original dresses were $130, but I talked to all the girls and 2 out of the 5 couldn't afford that. One being the friend I am talking about today and the other being a friend who is still in college. They told me their budget and that's why I chose a $75 dress instead. All my girls have their dresses ordered, except the friend I am talking about on here. Before this entire situation with her boyfriend became known to me, she would keep telling me she had the money for the dress. We set up 2 appointments and she didn't show up to either one. I never heard from her until the next day. This whole thing is just a mess in simple terms.</div>

NMK1208 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:61222f5d-3a80-4004-801d-e245daf04dcb">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Delete : You said in your OP that she said she didn't want to give a speech or do the guest book. Which means this must have come up in conversation at some point where this was a consideration. Unless she completely randomly and out of the blue without any prompting from you said, "Thanks for letting me not be in the wedding party. Can I do something else, but not the guest book or make a speech?"
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>She actually came out and said that herself when we were talking about it. She had mentioned she doesn't know if she should be in it because of her boyfriend didn't know what to do. I told her if she would want to step down we can find another role for her, because she wants to be included somewhere. She asked if the maid of honors were giving speeches because that is one thing she doesn't want to do. We talked about the guestbook, but she wants to be there at the ceremony(we are getting married in a park) while we get pics taken. If she was doing the guestbook she would need to leave for the reception before pictures. Only thing we came up with was handing out programs or having something to do with pulling the flower girl and ring bearer down the aisle in the wagon. We have plans on Friday night and we were going to discuss other roles we could come up with.</div>

NMK1208 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:0bc000a4-19c6-46c3-b81b-cd72b3c9e503">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]If you asked her if she would like to "step down", then you gave her the impression that YOU would like for her to step down. Whether or not that's what you meant, that is always how that comes across. As for the other stuff, you have backpeddled so much in this thread that you may well have reversed the space-time continuom and landed us all back into yesterday for all I can follow. I don't have the energy for any more of this tonight, so I leave you with this thought. You will never ever regret putting your friends over party plans or photo ops. And the next time you post on a message board, any message board, it would be a good idea to lurk first.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>This is like a novel, only like reading the chapters in random order. If I had known all this drama would come about, I would of either kept part of the original post out and just asked the darn question or just explained my entire situation from start to finished then asked the question. There is just so much behind this, I didn't know would get brought up or questioned. Guess I do need to do some more "lurking" on this board before I post again.</div>

tidetravel · December 2010

Here's the thing OP - there's a BIG difference in saying, "My BM had to step down because her BF is a controlling dickwad, but we'd like to find something else for her to do," and "I asked my BM to step down because she couldn't afford a dress and didn't show up to dress appointments, but I would still like for her to feel included." Capiche?

I know that you didn't necessarily want all of the drama out in the open, but it really does affect the advice given, as the 1st statement leads one to believe that you are a concerned friend and the 2nd just makes you sound like a selfish bridezilla. Which, makes me wonder where exactly you stand, since you DID pull the $ line, and not the concerned friend angle.

That being said, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt (don't make me regret it later) and give you advice on the information that you have since posted; if your friend is in THAT controlling of a relationship, I would hope that you recognize that it is probably abusive, and that you're being a friend first, bride second. She needs your support now more than ever, and probably will well into the future.

Personally, I would just ask her to be a guest. Being a guest at a wedding is still an honor, and honestly, if dude is as bad as you make him out to be, I don't know that he would be happy that she's AT ALL a part of the wedding. Get her a corsage, or a small bouquet if you would like to honor her, and make sure to get a few pictures with just the two of you.

As far as the money issue goes, try not to take things personally. If you had asked me a year ago to be a BM, I would have said "sure, no problem" without hesitation, however, sparing even $75 right now for a dress would be very difficult, even if I tried to plan for it (things always come up.) Also, it's quite possible that BM has resisted buying the dress because she knew in the back of her mind that she wasn't going to be able to stand up for you, and either 1) didn't want to disappoint you or 2) didn't want to admit to the extent of the control BF has over her. Finally, I'm willing to bet that her $ is probably controlled, at least in part, by her BF. She may have just NOT been able to buy the dress.

megk8oz · December 2010

OP, if this is really about your friend being in a controlling relationship, and not about her financial situation at all, then wtf did you think that telling us you "asked her to step down because she couldn't afford the dress" was "relevant"?

If this is true, I will bet a large amount of money that she really wasn't "hung-over" at 3pm, or that any other excuse she's made to blow you off was actually true. I'm going to say the controlling boyfriend manipulated her into not going for whatever reason, and she just made something up so nobody would give her sh!t about what a douche her boyfriend is.

Why am I saying this? Because, I've been that girl. When I was with my ex (Who was incredibly manipulative and abusive), I blew people off all the time-because he always made me feel like crap if I wanted to do something he didn't want me to. But after the first few times I honestly said "Ex doesn't want me to go here/do this/etc", people starting judging the crap out of me for staying with him. I wasn't in a place where I was strong enough to break up with him ... so I started making up excuses all the time so people would stop rolling their eyes and saying "Just dump him already". If it was really as easy as "just dump him", do you really think anybody would let relationships like that go as far as they do?

When I finally was able to leave him, I really needed my friends for support. The ones that loved me even when I didn't love myself are people that I'm still close with to this day (Hell, I'm now married one of those friends). The ones that just bitched about everything I didn't do for them and what a crappy friend I was during that awful time in my life are people I cut out completely.

If this is really what's going on (And you're not just making up a sob story thinking it will make people validate you), then let this go, and let her just be a guest. I'm going to guess boyfriend is going to have an issue with anything you come up with her to do anyway. If you're really concerned for her, then stop worrying about how this is effecting your wedding! Be a friend first, a bride second.

And try to love her, as hard as it may be, because God knows, she needs to feel like somebody really loves her right now ... even if she doesn't know it.

tldh · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:02e8b046-c2a8-4aaa-8792-361de0611df7">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Delete : Not the case at all. My original dresses were $130, but I talked to all the girls and 2 out of the 5 couldn't afford that. One being the friend I am talking about today and the other being a friend who is still in college. They told me their budget and that's why I chose a $75 dress instead. All my girls have their dresses ordered, except the friend I am talking about on here. <strong>Before this entire situation with her boyfriend became known to me, she would keep telling me she had the money for the dress.</strong> We set up 2 appointments and she didn't show up to either one. I never heard from her until the next day. This whole thing is just a mess in simple terms.
Posted by NMK1208[/QUOTE]

I've had friends with controlling BFs. How in the world did you not know until now that he is controlling? Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't give a damn about the wedding and would be working on making my friend see the light about this guy before she does something really stupid like marry him. She needs to know that she has friends who love her no matter what and are going to be there for her no matter what.

tidetravel · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:1b8983f4-94dc-4d53-a7a8-d3dc5bcfbdac">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]Why are you forcing your WP to walk in pairs? You do know that the only folks at the wedding who must be paired up are the bride and groom, right? Your WP are adults who have been getting in and out of rooms all their lives without issues. Do a weave.....one maid starts down, then a man, then a maid, and so forth. Your wedding isn't until May. Why are you making them order dresses NOW, right before a major holiday? They shouldn't order until January at the earliest. (If the salon says you have to do it now, they're lying....you can get attire within 8-12 weeks. They work on commission and have a quota to meet, so they'll convince you they need the order now). Never put a ONE DAY PARTY before a friend.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
Retread - she did say that she offered many alternatives, including allowing the BMs to walk by themselves, stand at the front, and WP to sit at guest tables instead of a head table. All options were nixed by controlling BF.

lalap69 · December 2010

Listen to Tide and Meg, for they are wise.

tidetravel · December 2010

Thank you, JamieD

jaimed99 · December 2010

I didn't add any input during the bulk of the conversation, primarily because I couldn't add anything that hadn't already been said. But I want to say that I hope that you and your friend can come up with a solution that suits you both...even if it does mean having her attend as a guest, although I think that considering the circumstances, I think that asking her to re-assume her position as a BM isn't out of the question either. I truly hope that your friend is alright, and if she is in a bad position with her BF, that she can get out of it before it becomes more serious.

I will second the comment about bridal shops saying you have to order OMGNOW or it won't be ready or will be discontinued...many BM dresses are able to either be ordered within 6-8 weeks or even taken straight out of the store.

squeakyduck · December 2010

Would her BF be ok if you have the GM stand at the front and the girls walk down the aisle alone?

However, I personally think she needs to get out of this relationship ASAP.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

Holy wah, lots of new stuff coming to light. If the controlling BF is the real reason and not the dress, then I apologize for being so hard on you last night. All you can really do is try to make yourself available for her to help her get out of this relationship, and leave the wedding out of it. I think PP's advice about what it's like to be in that kind of relationship and how hard it is to helps someone is incredibly insightful, and I can't add anything to it. Good luck.

NMK1208 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:17b1bea4-9b37-40f4-8aed-8597425b3b9a">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]FYI - the bridal store is probably lying to you about when dresses "have" to be ordered. They want their commission by the end of the year, that's why they were pushing you to have them ordered ASAP. Also, you mentioned several times that she doesn't want to be a guestbook attendant because she'll miss the ceremony. That doesn't make any sense to me because the guestbook attendant stops attending to the guestbook before the ceremony starts. Guestbook attendant is still a terrible job to make someone do, but I don't understand your rationale for why she couldn't do it.
Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

<div>We are having our guestbook at the reception. Our ceremony and reception are at 2 different locations. She doesn't want to miss the pictures which would be after the ceremony while most people are leaving for the reception. I don't even really see a point to have a guest book person to begin with. All the weddings I've been to just have the book there and people know what to do.</div>

megk8oz · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:d79e66b5-eec2-44bc-85dd-70f5e84594ea">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]Controlling someone is abuse. This is a big warning sign...the abuser will pass it off as a concern for their beloved's safety or to "help them learn to use time well." This behavior will only escalate. Please call your local battered women's shelter for advice on how to approach her. She needs to be warned now....it's a lot easier to break off a relationship than get out of a marriage. Thanks for caring about your friend.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

As somebody who's lived it, I can say that this is truth. And actually, this is how the manipulation becomes so easy. It starts out as "concern" or even "I just feel safer knowing where you are ... every single second of the day". In my case it eventually escalated to the point where I just didn't want to go anywhere anymore, because I knew if I wasn't with my ex, I was just going to get a million nasty phone calls from him until I eventually caved and left wherever I was to go be with him. After it started to get flat out abusive (Him calling me nasty names, making threats, sometimes even <strong>physically</strong> stopping me from going some place), it was just easier to not go anywhere or do anything instead of trying to fight with him about it.

Getting out was hard. We were together for 3 years, I "should have" dumped him after the first 2/3 months. Pretty much since the moment I should have dumped him, everybody was constantly on my case about it ... like I really needed to feel like everybody was judging me while I was going through all that. Actually, feeling all of their judgement kind of pushed me closer to him, because I truly felt like everybody just thought I was dumb and useless (And of course, ex played right into that, and used it to further convince me he was literally the only person that "truly cared" about me).

Nobody could get me to leave him, it was something I had to do on my own terms. Try to get your friend the help she needs ... but also be patient with her, if she's not ready to take the steps herself, the only thing you really can do is let her know that she is loved and worthwhile (And not being judged), and be there to help pick up the pieces when she's finally done.

mkrupar · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:465ec533-9059-4602-8ed0-7ce5118f4ca5">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Delete : I don't think so. OP showed great maturity when she realized what we saw as more of the story came out. When you realize that a good friend is in a controlling and possibly abusive relationship, it kind of jolts you into reality. Meg is the one who speaks with authority on this subject. All I can possibly add is that with the friends of mine who were in this situation they knew that I would be there for them no matter what and any time of day or night. Just as important, their a$$hole BFs knew this too.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

Ahh see that's what I get for skimming the first page and not reading everything else. Lesson learned.

OP - PPs have great advice on how to be a friend to someone who is in a controlling relationship. Come back and post more if you need help on this or any other situation.

jaimed99 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_other-roles-besides-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c18138b9-0372-43c0-8c68-2e6fd9e820ebPost:d79e66b5-eec2-44bc-85dd-70f5e84594ea">Re: Delete</a>:
[QUOTE]Controlling someone is abuse. This is a big warning sign...the abuser will pass it off as a concern for their beloved's safety or to "help them learn to use time well." This behavior will only escalate. Please call your local battered women's shelter for advice on how to approach her. She needs to be warned now....it's a lot easier to break off a relationship than get out of a marriage. Thanks for caring about your friend.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>I can thankfully say I was not in the situation that Meg was in, but I got out before it got to that point...having seen what my mom went through with my dad when I was younger pretty much solidified my resolve to never let a man run my life. But when I got married the second time, he didn't start being a douche until we were married...which made me wish that my mom had objected at the wedding, or that FI (with whom I've been friends a long time) had come, because he didn't want it happening... He became verbally abusive, guilted me any time I would hang out with my friends, especially FI, because he was convinced that he would take me away (which he did, but that's beside the point...)</div><div>
</div><div>When I told him I wanted an divorce, he made it all out to be my fault and that, because he was old enough to be my father, I knew nothing about life. One night he made a point to not let me sleep by blasting music as loud as possible so that it would be heard in every room in the house (DD was with her dad at the time) and then physically tried to stop me from leaving when I tried to.</div><div>
</div><div>While I wouldn't listen to my friends either when they asked me, "Are you sure this is what you want?", I was grateful for their support when I decided that it wasn't and needed help getting out of it. OP, I really hope that your friend "sees the light" and that you are able to help her out of a sticky situation.</div>

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