Parents' friends

Re: Parents' friends

• izzyjenni member

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  Since  you are footing the bill for the wedding, I would look at the overall guest list.  Are these parents' friends ones that either of you know?  Would you feel comfortable having them there on your day?  I feel that since you are paying the bill yourselves, parents can't just invite all their friends.  I know that my parents are paying for a portion of the wedding so they can invite several of their friends.  They are inviting around 16 good friends as is my fiance's.  But they are paying so I feel that they can invite those friends, Plus, I know them all well.  If you feel that the guestlist is too high, perhaps you could cut a few of your not so close friends to accommodate a few of your parents.  Either way, don't feel obligated to invite all your or your fiance's parents' friends.  I would not want to be put in the position of inviting only your fiance's parents' guests and not your parents guest.   It is a tough spot.  I would let both parents know that you are in the process of cutting the guest list and that you are cutting both your guests and some of theirs because of cost.  Say that you don't feel right taking money to cover all the guests and that you are wanting to be fair with keeping the guest list to a smaller group.  Good luck and remember that it is your day and your money.  It is tough to make everyone happy and honestly, doesn't work out that way to try to do that! 

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• cltk12 member

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  We are also paying for the wedding ourselves and FI's and my parents added friends to the guestlist.  We cut some friends from both of their lists as we told them it was $x per person to invite.  Both sides were very understanding.  I think we got it down to 6 friends on each side.  It's a tough talk with them, but just explain the costs.

  

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• Brianne09

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  We are also paying for everything but 4 months before the wedding my fiance's mother wanted to add some friends to the list and offered to pay for them.   Even though for those guests money wouldn't have been an issue we still decided to tell her no. The day is about us, not her and her friends.  If my fiance had wanted them them there and even known who they were it would have been a little different.  I just think that when you are paying for everything you really don't have to answer to anyone.

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• drdifabio member

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  Too you have to think that adding people is not just a per plate food cost - there are additional costs such as paper for invites/programs/etc, centerpieces, linens if applicable. If you do give them a cost per person make sure to include all that stuff! For example, our meal is $20 pp but once you add in paper, linens, and CPs, you get to more than $30 pp.
  
  I like with the PP said too - you have to think about how well YOU know these people. If your FI and you know them well then go for it. If not I would leave them out....it is not your parent's wedding and there comes a point where it is not about money but who you want to share that day with. I also think talking to them about it would be good.

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• beka0404

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  I'm going to be the lone dissenter to the "we're paying so we control the guest list" school of thought. According to etiquette, if either set of parents is contributing anything to the wedding fund, etiquette states that they should have some say in the guest list (link).

  
  

  My fiance and I are paying for 100% of our wedding ourselves, and we are inviting some friends of our parents. Was it a strange feeling to address STDs to a few folks I don't know? Yes. However, "our day" is not just about us. It is about our families too. 

  
  

  My FMIL has a longer friend guest list than my parents, but it's not that huge of an issue. She gave me a list of 40 people or so and predicted a 75% decline rate. I was irritated at first, then I thought "why would these friends want to go to the wedding of strangers?" So I see it as more of a gesture than anything.

  
  

  Ultimately, if you treat the situation as "pay for your friends and we'll invite them", then the parents with less money to spend will be disadvantaged. A good approach might be to allot 20 friends to each set of parents, that way things are equal. 

  
  

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• AmberDerek member

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  We had a small wedding (100, with 80 being immediate family).  Our parents paid for most of the wedding and they didn't have any of their friends there.  We invited all aunts, uncles, cousins on both sides of our families.  Then we invited 10 of our childhood friends and their spouses.  Our parents completely understood our reasoning.  I think it really depends on how big of a wedding it is.

  

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• kristigiles member

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  My fiance and I are paying for a large majority of our wedding as well.  I will have to agree with Beka on this one...I came to the conclusion that our wedding day is not just about us, its about our families too.  I want my parents and his parents to be able to share their joy with their closest friends just like my fiance and I want to.  Has it added more to the guest list than I'd like?  Yes.  But it wasn't all that many extra people and I really want them to be able to enjoy the day just as much.

  August 14, 2010 *PLANNING* *MARRIED*

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• kkaew816 member

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  Neither my parents nor FI's parents requested to invite their friends. FI & I are paying for most of the wedding but our parents will be contributing some. Like Amber, our wedding is small, our guest list is around 135 just family and close friends. The only extra  people we invited per the request of my parents were great aunts and uncles (guest list was around 100 before adding them in).

  
  

  In your situation, I would say etiquette sie to either invite both your parents' friends (but limit the #) or none at all.

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• berecka81 member

  

  February 2010 edited December 2011

  Thanks for all the advice...
  

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