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Helping host wedding shower in leiu of gift?

berryblondieberryblondie
in Pre-wedding Parties
I'm the MOH hosting a shower at my house.  One of the (out-of-town) BMs offered her help in leiu of getting a gift for our friend (the bride).  Honestly, I don't expect her to actully help much before the event (since she is out of town), and have been warned (by the bride) that she is not fiscally responsible, so I don't expect much help there either.
I do plan on having her help some, but not like I woudl expect a co-host.  Is it okay for this BM to help a liitle witheh shower and not bring a gift?  If not, how do I tell her I appreciate her help, but it is not an acceptable substitute for a gift?  Other people are also helping with the shower and will also be bringing a gift.
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Re: Helping host wedding shower in leiu of gift?

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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_helping-host-wedding-shower-leiu-of-gift?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:a231f2c4-3d92-4f07-a20c-a880d41c5c14Post:7ea0ef8f-01c1-47c9-899c-39c9f40c89cb">Helping host wedding shower in leiu of gift?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm the MOH hosting a shower at my house.  One of the (out-of-town) BMs offered her help in leiu of getting a gift for our friend (the bride).  Honestly, I don't expect her to actully help much before the event (since she is out of town), and have been warned (by the bride) that she is not fiscally responsible, so I don't expect much help there either. I do plan on having her help some, but not like I woudl expect a co-host.  Is it okay for this BM to help a liitle witheh shower and not bring a gift?  If not, how do I tell her I appreciate her help, but it is not an acceptable substitute for a gift?  Other people are also helping with the shower and will also be bringing a gift.
    Posted by berryblondie[/QUOTE]

    You don't.  You absolutely have no business telling someone that they have to give a gift to a third party.  It's really none of your business. 

    Take "wedding" out of the picture.  Would you tell someone that they HAVE to give a friend a Christmas or birthday gift? 

    Anyway, as to the other part.  Accept her offer for help.  But don't count on it.  If she comes through, great.  If not-you're prepared.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why don't you ask her what sort of help she had in mind.  If she's talking about money, you can agree on an amount she will contribute and ask her to send it to you now so you can use it to buy stuff.  At least that way you'll have the money in hand, and if she says she can't send it now you'll know not to count on it at all.  If she doesn't come through with the money and also doesn't give the bride a gift, that's on her.  It has nothing to do with you so there's no reason for you to be saying anything about it.  If she's talking about helping with setup or whatever, you can agree on specific things that will be her responsibility.  Perhaps she can be in charge of sending the invitations and gathering RSVPs, and the day of she can arrive early to setup and do whatever else needs to be done right before.
    Married 10/2/10
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    brandiboohbrandibooh
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You can't tell someone they have to bring a gift-helping or not.  Even a regular guest doesn't HAVE to bring a gift.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Number Invited 181image Number Attending 148image Number Declined 23image Number Not Replied 10image RSVP Date July 7 Magic Number:150
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    duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Who are YOU to decide what an acceptable subsitute for a gift is?  Either accept her help or don't but it isn't up to you to judge or demand that she do anything.

    Technically, no one is required to bring a gift.
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    bellaandbellobellaandbello
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    actually, i have heard that you don't technically have to give a gift in response to a wedding invite (because the couple themselves invited you).....but if you are invited to a shower by another host, it is proper and expected to send a gift.   This is because the recipient of the gift isn't inviting you, someone else is.  

    that being said, what she gives as a gift is up to her.  her time and $ lent to a shower is kind of a gift to the bride and you, so that is thoughtful on both counts.  how the bride reacts to that gift is between the BM and the bride but it sounds like the bride won't be too surprised by this action due to the BMs financial situation.  i'd stay out of it.
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    stephm77stephm77 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow. There are some RUDE people posting to this. While I agree that it isn't anyones place to tell someone what gift they can give or not, I also can see that berryblondie is just concerned about the bride and BM feeling weird about the situation. 

    I have bridesmaids who do anything they can for me... and I have some who have made this wedding process hell. Unfortunately, one of the responsibilities when accepting a BM position in a wedding is being fiscally responsible for things like the bridal shower and bachelorette party. I think that it is perfectly acceptable to expect that this out-of-town BM chips in financially. The knot even says on an etiquette article that all bridesmaids should be chipping in equally for a shower thrown by the bridal party.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    anne.azanoanne.azano
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Isn't offering her help to plan a party a gift to you, not the bride?  
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    ladydiy2004ladydiy2004
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmmm isnt going to a party without a gift rude?
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