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Chit Chat
joojoobean
member
HELP! He wants to wear fliip flops.
in Chit Chat
Ugh..... he basically told me I can do whatever I want but he is wearing flip flops and it's non-negotiable. I told him I want him to wear shoes for the ceremony and as soon as it's done, he can put the sandals on. He's didn't budge. Granted the wedding is in the middle of summer and it will be miserably hot, but come on! Flip flops?! Help!
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Re: HELP! He wants to wear fliip flops.
Also, it is not ridiculously hot in Seattle in early July. The average temp. in July is in the high 70's. Last year the high was 77 degrees. It might be hot, but it will not be so hot that wearing real shoes will be an impossibility.
Maybe he sees you concentrating on the wedding stuff and he feels like he is only necessary as an actor, to play The Man in your wedding play - so he's trying to be HEARD by saying something outrageous?
Maybe he really doesn't want to have the wedding that's planned, so he's trying to sabatage it?
Maybe he's trying to teach you a lesson about planning a rich person's wedding with all the fancy crap, while he feels that you two should be more authentic to who you really are as a couple?
Maybe he feels that the focus has been entirely on the money and the spending of money. You could schedule a meeting with you and FI and your officiant and get re-centered on the real spiritual reason for this event....?
[QUOTE]That's a big;stance to take. I'm going to suggest that there's something else going on here. Maybe he sees you concentrating on the wedding stuff and he feels like he is only necessary as an actor, to play The Man in your wedding play - so he's trying to be HEARD by saying something outrageous? Maybe he really doesn't want to have the wedding that's planned, so he's trying to sabatage it? Maybe he's trying to teach you a lesson about planning a rich person's wedding with all the fancy crap, while he feels that you two should be more authentic to who you really are as a couple? Maybe he feels that the focus has been entirely on the money and the spending of money. You could schedule a meeting with you and FI and your officiant and get re-centered on the real spiritual reason for this event....?
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
<div>Way to read into things! </div><div>
</div><div>Sheesh...</div><div>
</div><div>OP, he sounds like a typical guy who is just trying to tease you! Keep talking to him about it and I'm sure you'll work something out. </div>
Where is your wedding being held? Mine was suppose to be on a beach (ended up under tent because of weather). DH and the GM's all wore flip-flops. My DH also flat refused to wear a jacket or tie (non-negotiable). It was not a hill I was willing to stand on. I picked out my attire, he picked out his. Now if the wedding was somewhere else, I would have taken more of a stance.
While Kristen's post made me snort, she did bring up a good point. Flip-flops says causal to me, did your FI have any say on the type of wedding you are having? The rich comments are ridiculous. DH may have worn flip-flops and no jacket or tie, but that had nothing to do with him being upset at the money being spent. He picked out all the food and booze (our biggest expenses).
[QUOTE]Is this a deal breaker for you? Honest question. Would you rather marry him in flip flops or not marry him? I'm not saying it won't look odd and probably get a few comments from the guests, but is it worth really calling off the wedding as one knottie suggested? Because if you take the hard line approach of telling him to "act like a big boy" or giving him his ring back per the advice you've gotten here, that could be what happens. I'm all about being honest and I'm all about taking a strong stance on important things that will affect your marriage like how he treats you or how he lets his parents treat you, etc. This is not one of those things. I suggest calmly sitting down, telling him what an important day this is, and expressing how much it would mean to you for him to put forth a little extra effort and wear shoes. Don't make it about him being ridiculous or childish, make it about you and your feelings. Do it calmly, do it nicely. And if he still refuses, then you have a decision to make. And only you can decide if it's a deal breaker or not.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>This is really good advice OP. Figure out why he's so adamant about flip flips. As a PP suggested, there may be something beneath the surface, and shoes are the only outlet for him. Remember it's his wedding too, and if this is that important to him, it should be important to you to figure out why. Good luck and keep us updated.</div>
Also it's a known fact on the boards to igore everything Kristin says.
I also want to say, him insisting on wearing flip-flops could be a sign of him be insensitive to the the OP's feelings.
However, it could also be a sign that the OP is being way too controlling in everything else and he is just trying to asserting some control.
You need to step back and see why this is a hill he wants to stand on.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
The powder blue tuxedo - if it was real - might have been a deal breaker if DH wasn't willing to discuss why if was important. In the end, the joke really was about him being concerned that he wasn't going to be comfortable in a tux. His feeling was, if the tux was going to be uncomfortable, why not have fun with it? When he went to be measured and fitted, and was shown the variety of styles, particularly of the jacket, he dropped all joking and picked out something he looked quite dashing in - and something that better fit our wedding style.
It seems to me that you and he had a breakdown in communication somewhere. I agree with PPs that you probably need to get to the root of what the flip flops mean. Is he just concerned about being comfortable? Would they be appropriate footwear for your wedding? (If yes, is he open to a dressier style of flip flop?) Why is a compromise - flip flops after the ceremony and pictures - completely off the table? Is he trying to get more of himself injected in your wedding plans? I think the place to start might be an honest conversation about how he feels about how your plans are shaping up.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! He wants to wear fliip flops. : I almost never disagree with Hoboken, but I just don't think a marriage works if you approach it by "putting your foot down" every time your spouse wants to do something you disagree with or consider ridiculous. This is parent behavior, not partner behavior. I wore flip flops to my wedding, though granted under a dress and not visible for most of the day. If H had come to me and rationally discussed an issue with this decision, I may or may not have changed my mind (I had some pretty specific reasons for wearing them), but we could have had a real talk about it. If H had demanded that things go his way because what I wanted was ridiculous, childish, inappropriate, etc. I can 100% absolutely guarantee you I would have called the wedding off. Not because the flip flops were that important to me, but because I am an adult and NOBODY has the right to dictate what I do with my own body, so there is no way in hell I'd marry a man who thought he did.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I can agree with your points but on the other hand if I hadn't put my foot down the GM would have been wearing pimp suites with matching canes and hats with feathers so I'm a bit biased, I'll admit.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! He wants to wear fliip flops. : You're not the first person to say this just the one I happened to quote but I completely disagree with the blanket statement that flip flops are inappropriate if the wedding is not on a beach. The overall formality of the wedding matters much more than just the location. There are plenty of places where you could hold an informal wedding in which flip slops would be completely appropriate attire that are not beaches. I'm going to go ahead and ditto J&K also. Why did Kristin get called out but not CMG? CMG's advice was TERRIBLE. <strong>Kristin's actually made some sense for once.</strong>
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]
I think we've all gotten accustom to the horrible advice she gives which is why.
Oh, ok, so then it's good practice to just gloss over it and call it bad without reading. Got it.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:HELP! He wants to wear fliip flops.: Oh, ok, so then it's good practice to just gloss over it and call it bad without reading. Got it.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
I read it but I think she's jumping to too many conclusions. I don't think flip flops need the mediation of a spiritual leader. I think it's a simple issue of he wants to wear flip flops not some conspiracy that Kristin made it out to be.
FWIW I don't think CMGr's advice was practical either.
OP needs to come back and answer some questions.
[QUOTE]I stand by my advice. The groom is treating the wedding as if it were a big joke. I wouldn't want to spend my life with a man who thinks our wedding is a joke or enjoys teasing me. I take weddings very seriously, as a ceremony that symbolizes commitment. The groom here obviously doesn't.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
Because he is wants to wear flip-flops? Please.
[QUOTE]I stand by my advice. The groom is treating the wedding as if it were a big joke. I wouldn't want to spend my life with a man who thinks our wedding is a joke or enjoys teasing me. I take weddings very seriously, as a ceremony that symbolizes commitment. The groom here obviously doesn't.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
Because he wants to wear flip-flops? That's your proof for he is not taking this seriously??
Then again, you would probably say DH didn't take our wedding seriously because he was excited to wear his tuxedo for our wedding that began in the late afternoon.
DH was in flops and I was in barefeet. DH was in a button down silk shirt and linen pants, I was in a white gown. Clearly we thought the ceremony was a joke.
[QUOTE]Ugh..... he basically told me I can do whatever I want but he is wearing flip flops and it's <strong>non-negotiable</strong>. I told him I want him to wear shoes for the ceremony and as soon as it's done, he can put the sandals on. <strong>He's didn't budge.</strong> Granted the wedding is in the middle of summer and it will be miserably hot, but come on! Flip flops?! Help!
Posted by joojoobean[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Does he always have this attitude? I mean, this is only footwear.....I'd be concerned about how he's going to handle the really important things that come up in life!
</div>
I still stand by the fact that Seattle is not that hot in early July.
I think everyone made some great points though, hopefully this thread helps OP!
[QUOTE]I stand by my advice. The groom is treating the wedding as if it were a big joke. I wouldn't want to spend my life with a man who thinks our wedding is a joke or enjoys teasing me. I take weddings very seriously, as a ceremony that symbolizes commitment. The groom here obviously doesn't.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]
What shoes someone wears doesn't show how one is truly commited to a relationship.
Coming from someone who was horribly cheated on multiple times who to your face could be totally serious and compassionate. Someone who knows that the same person is remarried and pretty sure he is already cheating on the new wife.
I wouldn't give rats about what shoes my Fiancee wore on our wedding day as long as he is sincere in his vows to me. Btw I am wearing a cute flip flop shoes under my wedding gown on our wedding day. I have horrible plantar fasciitis and a 10 wide foot and fankly I have tried on every cute bridal shoe and I would be crying in pain by he end of the night. Thank goodness my finacee doesn't share your opinion.
[QUOTE]In Response to HELP! He wants to wear fliip flops. : Does he always have this attitude? I mean, this is only footwear.....I'd be concerned about how he's going to handle the really important things that come up in life!
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]
Excatly, it's only footwear. I'd be concerned about how SHE'S going to handle the really important things that come up in life.
CMGr, maybe this is me making assumptions, but from the OP it sounded to me like this is something that was brought up recently, probably took the OP by surprise, was a short conversation and was dropped. If that's the case, I think it absolutely deserves further attention. Have you never said something you didn't really mean? Or felt strongly about? Maybe OP's FI has a damn good reason for being so firm in wanting to wear flip flops. If OP doesn't ask him why, she'll never know, and then she'll have left for what? Now, if there is a complete, total lack of willingness to compromise, and this is his normal MO, THEN I would see reason to walk away and not look back. I saw nothing in the OP to give me that idea.
Everything the light touches is my kingdom.