MOH hell...

christinab123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:b965373e-0bb3-4fc0-95c7-e2abe85a438c">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]I couldn't even read half of these posts because it is so crazy. OP-Christina, I will give you this advice: your sisters are your sisters and blood is thicker than water. That means, they will be your sisters until they day you die. Just let wedding stuff go for a while. If they have ordered their dresses then they are set to go. No need to bring up your wedding every time you talk to them. I'm not saying you have been, I'm just saying you need to remember that nobody is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. If they have anxiety, they are probably just nervous about standing up in front of a ton people on your wedding day, so honestly I don't think demoting them to BM instead of MOH will help them at all. It also isn't cool to promote a BM after the fact. It makes them seem like second choice. If it is just the title MOH they are worried about, just call them BMs now when they're around and print it in your program as MOH. My sister is my MOH and I call her a BM all the time. Why? Because the only thing she is doing differently than my other BMs is holding my bouquet. Also, any and all or none of your BP members can throw you a shower or pre wedding party. You can also have more than one shower (I think, correct me if I am wrong, ladies). It isn't uncommon in my circle anyway, as long as the guest lists aren't duplicated. When my sister got married she had three showers, and I went to all three. I hosted a lingerie shower and only invited her younger girlfriends, my mom hosted a shower with women from mostly our side, and her FMIL hosted one with women mostly from his side & member of their church. I didn't really mind, and I didn't get her a gift for any of them, since I hosted one and baked cupcakes for another and totally splurged on a wedding gift for her. You don't need to feel like you are refusing showers, and you can certainly remind your sisters or maybe tell your mom this. I know it seems overwhelming, but this situation isn't that bad. They are your sisters and they love you, and it shows how much because it seems like they are worried they aren't doing enough. They will be fine as your MOHs and I think you should just keep it as such. Good luck!
Posted by Barbiiieee[/QUOTE]

I applaud your response. Thank you, Barbie. (And, thanks for the luck... Alls well that ends well-- including this thread/post).

Signing off. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />

LDubHawksFan · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:38c3151e-0722-4986-b0b3-22c398f8bbfd">Re:MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:MOH hell... : Thanks, lwoehik... I'm a veteran bridesmaid. So, I know this (in bold). The 3 of us aren't very close (emotionally, and literally-- living in different cities), as well-- which definitely makes it hard to give them positive assurance remotely. Most BMs don't need this kind of assurance. But, since they're new to the process-- and since my dad basically made me feel like I NEED to do something about their grief-- I can't help but feel obligated to help them with their anxiety.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

Just keep in mind, that in my example I never mentioned anything to her. I knew when she got pregnant and was due a few weeks before my wedding that there was a chance she wouldn't be able to fly the 2000 miles. She is one of my best friends and I never would not want her to be my BM. I literally didn't find out until a week before that she couldn't come and it was totally her choice. I also didn't strip her of any of the honor. She was still my BM, and was listed as such in the program; she just couldn't come.
You shouldn't have to do a lot to assure them if you just let them keep their honor title and not expect anything of them. Do not tell them they are just going to be BMs. Do as others have told you (speaking to them yet again) and just tell them that there is nothing to be anxious about because they don't have to do anything but stand by your side the day of the wedding in a dress and that you gave them the MOH title because you love them and wanted to honor them as such.

mlg78 · February 2013

In Response to Re:MOH hell...:[QUOTE]Why won't she tell us how old her sisters are? Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

I'm wondering the same thing! I asked early this morning and it was ignored. But other things from multiple posters have been repeated numerous times!

melb2013 · February 2013

Oi, this is a long thread. I really tried to read it all, but it sounds like every single PP is saying the same thing. So I will repeat some things in hopes that OP reconsiders her position.

If your sisters have anxiety issues, then taking away a title that simply means that they are the closest people to you will not relieve these problems. Maid of Honor means nothing other than that you love them and want them to stand next to you on a very important day. You should continue telling them this until you are blue in the face because they are your sisters and you love them.

If other people (BMs or other) want to help you with WR things or throw you parties, then that is fine. It does not mean that they should be your MOH, it just means that they love you and wanted to do something nice for you. Don't replace your sisters with these people.

Do not bring up your wedding with your sisters. I'm not sure what world you live in, but I don't need help picking my wedding hair styles. Your sisters obviously do not find these things "fun" so don't ask them. They don't need to help you in anyway- they just need to stand next to you on your wedding day and love you. If you stop asking them to help you with these ridiculous tasks, they may actually relax knowing that you don't have any expectations of them. You keep saying you don't have expectations, but you've also made it clear that you do because you have asked them to help you with things and want someone who will help you with things in the future. You are creating stress for them and making this a much bigger deal than it is.

AddieCake · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:3e7682fb-ebf5-4e89-aedf-93562f5ffed4">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]Why won't she tell us how old her sisters are?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>She did. On page 2, it says they are 19 and 22. It's in a post where she addresses several people's questions. </div>

Jessa617 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:9845e488-ba0e-4548-b85a-3bb43071c688">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]For sure! Its so weird (and yet, so predictable) for our dad to have gotten involved. Also, side note: I didn't intend to say "I don't expect anything of them."<strong> I meant only to say that I haven't asked anything of them (yet)</strong>, if I ever will... I just don't want to be afraid to lean on them for any little thing-- for fear that they'll have a heart attack the day of my wedding from the mere thought of doing anything for anyone other than themselves.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

Have you not been heading the advice of PP? You are not to ask your bridesmaids or MOH for anything. If they offer to help with something, then that's fine but you do not dictate what they need to do.

Also, "relieving" them of their position is so not the way to do it. I would just talk to your sisters and find out how they are doing and talk to them normally and not about the wedding.

Showers- If someone asks you about the shower, tell them to talk to your sisters. That way if your sisters don't have anything planned they can let that person know and if that person wants to throw a shower for you, then they will.

You are seriously over thinking things there.

Viczaesar · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:d22f8a79-5a48-4a78-ad16-154160e2f914">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH hell... : Viczaesar – No, I am not a BIT SLOW. I told you that I have already (THREE TIMES) taken my sisters to lunch, held their hands, and looked into their eyes, and asked them softly what they’re so anxious about… and then reassured them that they don’t have to do anything for me except show up, told them to chill, and said let’s move on with this process. So, when I say “I’ve already had that conversation”… I MEAN IT. How many times must I have that conversation with them (and how many times must I type, on this post, that I have had it)? I’ve spent more time comforting, coaxing, easing, and pleasing them than I have actually planning my wedding at this point. So, for sake of moving forward WHAT DO I DO NOW? …No, you know what, since you called me slow. I’m just going to ignore you now. Hopefully someone else will respond to this post without directly putting me down).
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

Bullcrap. What you said in the post I was responding to is that you sat them down and asked them to help you pin stuff on Pinterest for your wedding or help you pick out clutches as bridesmaid gifts. That is not what anyone advised you to do, nor is it reassuring them that you don't expect them to help you with anything wedding related.

Stina51286 · February 2013

OP when I was 19 and 22, unless it was my best friend, I could care less about someone's wedding. They have a lot more going on now then having to help you pick out hair styles or gifts for your BMs.

DO NOT take a title away from anyone. That is rude.

bunni727 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-hell?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:88830fdd-0caa-4bf6-861f-d324cea4f9f0Post:5067ea50-2ca9-4e50-8317-8c614d3662ea">Re: MOH hell...</a>:
[QUOTE]Joy2611 – <strong>I am confused as well… I have no idea what they’re so anxious about. However, since they live with extreme anxiety on a daily basis, it is likely that they are anxious about simply putting the dress on and walking down the aisle, exactly as you said. I just don't know where to go from here... I want to help them manage through that. But, I can't think of any way to help with that (without everyone on this message board calling me a nut).</strong> Mig78 – My sisters are 19 and 22 Mandaw0515 - Thank you for being the only person, so far, who has given any clear, concise advice. Maggie0829 – Both of my sisters take medication (Xanax and/or anti-depression medication) on a daily basis. So, yes, they would have anxiety if I randomly asked them for the time of day… Renegade gaucho –I do not need help using Pinterest. NOT WHAT I SAID AT ALL. I wanted (not NEEDED) their advice regarding cute pics of hairstyles. Please be sure the posts are clear before responding in a snarky way, just because you think your response is cute/snarky doesn’t mean it’s helpful. In fact it’s probably hurtful.
Posted by christinab123[/QUOTE]

This is as far as I have gotten in the thread, and I wanted to help with this statement before finishing reading. Take my suggestions with a grain of salt, since they may have a different type of anxiety than I am familiar with. You do have several options that you could employ to make them more comfortable:

I would have the entire WP sit after entering.

If you don't want to do that, make it clear that they are your MOHs whether they stand up with you or not. Give them the option of deciding, even day of, that they don't want to process and stand up front. They can be seated among the guests.

Ask if they want to walk in with a gm, alone, or with each other.

Have empty chairs available in the front row for the in case they decide to sit.

Have bouquets for them, even if you skip them for the rest of the BP. Having something to hold will help.

Skip the bridal party entrance and any type of group dance.

Ask if they would feel comfortable even attending a shower or bachlorette. Those have lots of potential for anxiety triggers. Maybe you could have a seperate, quiet sisters-day with them.

Get them an extra special gift. Even though they seem like they are being troublesome, they are going through a lot of suffering to be there for you.

Most importantly, do not exclude them from any part based on their anxiety. I'm not saying you have/will, but lots of people do. There are few things worse than hearing you weren't invited because someone thought you wouldn't want to, esp. due to this kind of disease.

rlmarroc · February 2013

my younger sisters are My MOHs. they were very nervous at first because they haven't been in a wedding before. since they live in different areas, we had a conference call and i explained My expectations: get a dress and show up. i told them if they decided to do hing else great, butit was not expected. this relieved their anxiety and they are being the best MOHs i could ask for.

allychase · February 2013

Clutch BM gifts.... needing help using pinterest... assuming the bridal party are your slaves... My head is spinning.

MOH hell...

Re: MOH hell...

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