best man's gf-uninvited?

irishwife714 · January 2012

I'm conflicted. Here's the background:

J and I are getting married in Las Vegas in April. We each have three attendants and we have informally extended an invitation for them to have a "plus one". J's best man has become a best friend to me as well, the three of us are very close. Best man's girlfriend rarely hangs out with us and has always been a pain. We had a get together with our wedding party and he brought her and she sat in the corner and didn't talk to anyone the entire time. She also made him sit with her so he was out of the mix as well.
It has always been the assumption that she would be best man's plus one, but now I am thinking about telling him he is no longer able to have a plus one. Here's the biggest reason.
This past weekend we all went to our best man's brother's wedding. Best man's gf complained the ENTIRE time about how it should be her and best man's wedding, not his brother. She talked to EVERYONE on both sides about it and then started a HUGE fight with best man about it right in the middle of the reception. He was so upset and embarrassed that he couldn't hold back the tears...or the urge to fight back. They fought with each other the whole night, in the middle of the reception and all of the guests had to avoid them the entire time or we'd get roped into their drama. Then they left early. Best man is an amazing guy and so much fun...when his gf is not around. She had the nerve to say to me, "I hate this night, it should be me...this sucks...etc." In my head I'm thinking, Is this what this b*&% is going to be talking about at MY wedding, since we're getting married before her too?

If any of this makes sense, my question now is, can I tell best man that he no longer has the luxury of a plus one? I don't want his gf to ruin my wedding too. She is all everyone could talk about and focus on at the reception because they made such a scene. There will be a total of 23 people at my wedding and they all love us and want to be there to celebrate...except for her. I had a very bad feeling she is going to act the same way in Vegas and ruin our time, best man's time...everyone's time.

I don't want to tell him she can't come. I honestly think that he doesn't want her to come either...their relationship is pretty complicated. I don't have the power to break them up...that's not my place. But this is our wedding and neither me or J want her to there if she's going to cause drama. So I have the power to not extend a plus one??

They haven't bought their plane tickets yet so there is still time to tell him that he is the only person invited.

But I don't know if it's appropriate to tell him he isn't allowed to bring anyone. Is it?

dumdumfroggie · January 2012

No, absolutely not. Couples are invited together. What you're considering is extremely rude.

amymaysa · January 2012

You really can't break up a couple. If you already extended a plus one by telling him she was invited, you can't back out on that.

Maybe she won't come? If not, try to ignore her and her drama.

divadancer11 · January 2012

You cant do that!!!! He is the best man and you extended a plus 1....regardless if you like her or not you cannot do that. Let it be his choice if he brings her or not.

thejucheidea · January 2012

... no.

Starfish0116 · January 2012

You can't un-invite her no matter how much you don't like her. Even if you hadn't invited her from the start, not extending a plus one to a groomsman who is spending the money to travel to LV for your wedding would be rude.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

But guys, I'm a special snowflake!

Validate my poor choices!

chattychiqa · January 2012

She's rude. You don't have to join her in that. You are justified in feeling the way you do, she sounds like a real piece of work....but if he's your best friend, he really deserves to have a +1, and who he chooses is his business. I feel your pain. Just do right by him and support HIM. It sounds like he needs it.

irishwife714 · January 2012

I know it's rude. That's why I haven't done it and am conflicted. But it's also rude to talk about how you should be the bride at your boyfriend's brother's wedding! and start a fight with your boyfriend in front of all his friends and family...and make him cry!!

I guess I'll just have to deal with the consequences of having her present at our wedding.

I really don't understand this comment:
"But guys, I'm a special snowflake!

Validate my poor choices!"

so i'll ignore it.

It looks like we'll have to allow him a plus one then and hope for the best. It sucks that I have to take the risk of having her there.

irishwife714 · January 2012

She ruined best man's night. He did not have a good time at his twin brother's wedding because she fought with him the whole time.

The risk and the consequences are having a repeat performance. That she'll start her drama about her being the one that should be in the wedding dress, etc. She'll fight with him again. She'll take him away from having a good time with his friends. I just witnessed this all happen at his brother's wedding and it made me very fearful that it will happen at our wedding. It was terrible and uncomfortable and I would hate for it to happen in front of the 20 guests that have spent a good amount of money to go to the wedding to have a good time.

I run the risk of her ruing things for everyone...not just her and our best man.

redheadfsu · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mans-gf-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7b7f5db-a284-4423-967f-741e19dc3977Post:1cb783f2-a842-4f50-957e-3b9e0b782adf">Re: best man's gf-uninvited?</a>:
[QUOTE]She ruined best man's night. He did not have a good time at his twin brother's wedding because she fought with him the whole time. The risk and the consequences are having a repeat performance. That she'll start her drama about her being the one that should be in the wedding dress, etc. She'll fight with him again. She'll take him away from having a good time with his friends. I just witnessed this all happen at his brother's wedding and it made me very fearful that it will happen at our wedding. It was terrible and uncomfortable and I would hate for it to happen in front of the 20 guests that have spent a good amount of money to go to the wedding to have a good time. I run the risk of her ruing things for everyone...not just her and our best man.
Posted by irishwife714[/QUOTE]

1. But he is choosing to stay in a relationship with her. You won't save him by not inviting her. Instead he will just decline and won't be your (or your FI's) friend anymore.

2. If she makes a scene, then ask her to leave.

MyUserName1 · January 2012

I'm not sure why you "didn't understand" my comment. It was pretty clear.

People post every friggen day about this same issue. They don't like someone's SO and don't want to invite them. If you had looked through the threads at all, you could have gotten your answer.

But clearly, you were hoping we would all tell you that your situation is special and that you shouldn't invite her because she's a brat.

froggatt.clare · January 2012

It is not your choice whether or not to invite the girlfriend. If a guest has a significant other, that person must be invited to your wedding. You cannot separate a social unit.

If she ruined the best man's night at that wedding, it is on HIM to end the relationship or tell her how rude her behavior was. Any drama she causes will only reflect poorly on her. If I were a guest at a small destination wedding and there was a person causing drama, I'd likely do everything in my power to distract the bride, so perhaps let one or two of your close girlfriends know the situation and ask them to chill with you if she is unpleasant.

irishwife714 · January 2012

I don't think I'm special at all. I just thought that if I could avoid her being there, then I would. But that clearly isn't an option. I wrote a post asking for advice because I've never had a wedding before and don't know the etiquette. If you are going to post a response, be mature and respectful. I am asking for advice because I CLEARLY don't know the answer. She hasn't received a formal invite so I thought I still had time to see to it that she didn't get formally invited but if etiquette says she's part of the best man's invite, then so be it. Forgive me for asking for advice.

Thank you to everyone else for giving me constructive critcism. It was helpful.

If she does act like an asshole, then I will ask her to leave, which unfortunatly means that our best man will follow her and we'll lost out on him being there.

So that's that.

LP11509 · January 2012

Here's the thing. It takes 2 people to fight. Maybe she started it, but he could have walked away rather than arguing back and making the situation worse. So I don't think she's completely to blame for the scene at his brother's wedding.

And ditto PPs that they are a social unit and she has to be invited. The only exception to this would be if there was a retraining order involved, or maybe if she has physically assaulted you/your FI.

chelseamb11 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mans-gf-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7b7f5db-a284-4423-967f-741e19dc3977Post:3c50cd8f-5556-432b-92d7-2b602c6b5c6d">Re: best man's gf-uninvited?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it's rude. That's why I haven't done it and am conflicted. But it's also rude to talk about how you should be the bride at your boyfriend's brother's wedding! and start a fight with your boyfriend in front of all his friends and family...and make him cry!! I guess I'll just have to deal with the consequences of having her present at our wedding.<strong> I really don't understand this comment: "But guys, I'm a special snowflake! Validate my poor choices!"</strong> so i'll ignore it. It looks like we'll have to allow him a plus one then and hope for the best. It sucks that I have to take the risk of having her there.
Posted by irishwife714[/QUOTE]

Because you're the 2318904370th person to ask if they can uninvite someone.

You still need to invite her. If she gets too obnoxious or starts harrassing/hurting people, you can have her removed. At the end of the day, you still marry the man of your dreams and she makes an ass out of herself.

FutureMzHayden · January 2012

I say let her come and if she starts DRAMA then kindly ask her to LEAVE. That way you did your part of inviting her and tried to make an effort but apparently she's just too childish to act as an adult.

jemmini6 · January 2012

Does your friend know that you all hate his girlfriend?

Also, I completely agree with LP, it takes 2 people to fight. She may be the brat and instigate these things, but once your friend responds (in an inappropriate venue), then he's just as much to blame as she is.

redheadfsu · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mans-gf-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7b7f5db-a284-4423-967f-741e19dc3977Post:94790379-ce8d-44b3-b25d-b6fa523e09d4">Re: best man's gf-uninvited?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think I'm special at all. I just thought that if I could avoid her being there, then I would. But that clearly isn't an option. I wrote a post asking for advice because I've never had a wedding before and don't know the etiquette. If you are going to post a response, be mature and respectful. I<strong> am asking for advice because I CLEARLY don't know the answer. </strong>She hasn't received a formal invite so I thought I still had time to see to it that she didn't get formally invited but if etiquette says she's part of the best man's invite, then so be it. Forgive me for asking for advice. Thank you to everyone else for giving me constructive critcism. It was helpful. If she does act like an asshole, then I will ask her to leave, which unfortunatly means that our best man will follow her and we'll lost out on him being there. So that's that.
Posted by irishwife714[/QUOTE]

But you did know the answer already. You knew it was rude (you said so) and were conflicted about it. So you knew you had to invite her, but where hoping for for justification to be rude to her. (Which is why you got some of the responses you did)

Snippylynn · January 2012

My H's best man's wife is a tool. A huge one. She arrived with him before the ceremony (3 hours before) when we were taking pictures. And somehow? She STILL missed the ceremony. Because she was downstairs in the bathroom doing god knows what. When she walked up the stairs and saw that everyone was standing in the hall after there ceremony, she said very loudly so that everyone would look at her "OH MY GOD, did we miss the wedding?!" And then proceeded to giggle about it like an idiot.

Didn't make me look bad, and it was a bit of hilarity on my wedding day.

Some of our friends put together an after party and he wanted to go. She told him no, she wanted to go home to their dogs. She missed them. So, best man didn't go to the after party.

That's ALL on him. Sure, she's a tool, but he's the idiot who puts up with it, and nothing we do is going to change that. If he wants to live that way, then that's all there is to it.

Don't make yourself look bad because she sucks.

Meghannsix · January 2012

Of course she's going to start drama, she wants attention, so that's what she does, and look how much of your attention she already has. It's unfortunate, but if he's willing to deal with her, you're going to have to as well. She can only ruin your day if you let her, focus on the positive, you'll still be married at the end of the day, and maybe when he meets someone sensible, you and your husband can have a good private laugh about it at their wedding. If she acts like an ass, it's all on her. Sorry you have to deal with this!

amymaysa · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mans-gf-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7b7f5db-a284-4423-967f-741e19dc3977Post:1cb783f2-a842-4f50-957e-3b9e0b782adf">Re: best man's gf-uninvited?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>She ruined best man's night. He did not have a good time at his twin brother's wedding because she fought with him the whole time.</strong> The risk and the consequences are having a repeat performance. That she'll start her drama about her being the one that should be in the wedding dress, etc. She'll fight with him again. She'll take him away from having a good time with his friends. I just witnessed this all happen at his brother's wedding and it made me very fearful that it will happen at our wedding. It was terrible and uncomfortable and I would hate for it to happen in front of the 20 guests that have spent a good amount of money to go to the wedding to have a good time. I run the risk of her ruing things for everyone...not just her and our best man.
Posted by irishwife714[/QUOTE]

That is his choice. If she is that much of a biatch and awful and he stays with her, that's his problem, not yours

TheValidator · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mans-gf-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7b7f5db-a284-4423-967f-741e19dc3977Post:ce582be6-8f06-49d3-9fe5-cbb153425083">Re: best man's gf-uninvited?</a>:
[QUOTE]But guys, I'm a special snowflake! Validate my poor choices!
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>Never fear, TheValidator is here!</div><div>
</div><div>Uninvite her. Then send her pictures of the wedding with the text "THIS SHOULD BE YOUR WEDDING!"</div>

NuggetBrain · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mans-gf-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a7b7f5db-a284-4423-967f-741e19dc3977Post:1cb783f2-a842-4f50-957e-3b9e0b782adf">Re: best man's gf-uninvited?</a>:
[QUOTE]She ruined best man's night. He did not have a good time at his twin brother's wedding because she fought with him the whole time. The risk and the consequences are having a repeat performance. That she'll start her drama about her being the one that should be in the wedding dress, etc. She'll fight with him again. She'll take him away from having a good time with his friends. I just witnessed this all happen at his brother's wedding and it made me very fearful that it will happen at our wedding. It was terrible and uncomfortable and I would hate for it to happen in front of the 20 guests that have spent a good amount of money to go to the wedding to have a good time. I run the risk of her ruing things for everyone...not just her and our best man.
Posted by irishwife714[/QUOTE]

That dude is a grown ass man. If his girlfriend is such a douche, then it's his fault for staying with her. Stop acting like he's a poor little victim in this.

irishwife714 · January 2012

I feel the worst for our best man. And all that have responded are right. It is his deal, his business and I have to support him and if she makes a mess, then it's their mess. I just thought that maybe because she has never been formally invited, that none of our invites have gone out yet, I could avoid her attending...but I don't think that's an option. We excluded a lot of people that do really want to celebrate our wedding. Yet, she gets to go? That hurts me. However, he should be able to bring her if he so chooses. Just like our other attendants can choose their plus one.

It's hard to tell someone to leave a destination wedding. But she will be asked to leave if she starts anything. I don't care where she goes. There is a lot to do in Vegas.

The bride at the wedding we went to this weekend was heartbroken that this all went down. Her family was brought into it and it wasn't fair. It's hard to ignore a fighting couple when there are only 20 people in the room. I'll just hope our best man does the right thing this time around. If he brings her, he'll need to make sure everything stays calm.

froggatt.clare · January 2012

Thid dude can also choose to tell the g/f to stay home. If she's that awful, maybe he needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up to her before your wedding. But that's up to him; its his relationship.

aragx6 · January 2012

^ I think it would help you to stop thinking of her as a plus one. That's not what she is. If he were dating no one and brought some girl he met at the gym, that would be a plus one. This is his chosen partner, and even if she's awful, they're a social unit. Until they're not, they get invited to social events together.

lyndausvi · January 2012

My brother was a BM at his twin brother's wedding and his GF also made a scene. It was embarrassing to watch. What a drama queen.

That was 17 years ago and they have been married for 15 years. I'm not her biggest fan, but it never once occurred to me to not invite her to anything when they were just BF-GF. If my brother wanted to be with someone like that, so be it. Even 17 years later it annoys me when I have to with her, but oh well. She still was invited to my DW.

Right now they are a set. If you want to be in BM's life you are just going to have to deal with her.

mkrupar · January 2012

OP you can feel bad for BM asll you want, but at the end of the day he's the one that's dating her, not you. I'm sorry if you feel she's going to ruin your wedding. Have you ever tried hanging out with just the two of them? Get to know her one on one? Maybe she's better one on one vs. being in a group setting.

It's quite possible that she won't make any comments. it's possible the only reason she acted the way she did was because it was his twin brother's wedding, and not just a friend's wedding.

irishwife714 · January 2012

I get it. Thanks.

irishwife714 · January 2012

We've hung out one-on-one and double dated. Not once has she been a pleasure to be with. That's why it's usually just me, fiance, and best man hanging out. And she feels the same way about me and my fiance as she did for best man's brother and his wife. She made that very clear.

But you all are right. I have to invite her if they are dating. And it's his problem, not mine. If she does cause a scene at any time during our wedding, then they will both be asked to stop, or leave until they fix it. That's all I can do.

I do have perspective. I do have understanding. But I am also spending a lot of money for them to be there. We are paying for their hotel room for two nights so that does factor into my perspective. But as pp said, it's not the worst that could happen.

best man's gf-uninvited?

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