1 month away and bridesmaid has pulled out - HELP!

StPetes · April 2010

I can feel your pain! My Maid of Honor stepped down 2 1/2 months before my wedding and in doing so created a whole series of events. I disagree with most of the other girls though; if this other girl is one of your friends whom you have just gotten closer to more recently. I see no problem including her. It could be a bit awkward depending on your wedding party's reaction, but if they are truly your closest friends, they'll understand. I can also see how you may have wanted to add her in the very beginning, but sometimes obligations to former friends or family make it impossible to include everyone. I had to stop myself at 5 bridesmaids, but I had several other girls that I would have loved to ask.. and I talked to them about it. They all understood and told me if there was ever anything I needed, to let them know. Not a one of them would feel like a replacement; they would be glad to be there for me! But really, it has to be up to you; how would that affect your relationships, your wedding, and yourself in general. I wish you the best.

IGotLuckyInKy · April 2010

im speaking on behalf of a dropped bm here. i was asked to be the moh for a girl that i didnt really consider too close of a friend (we chatted often on the phone and online... but only hung out 3 times!) i accepted.... because quit frankly... she didnt have anyone else to ask. lol. i got into moh mode as soon as she asked me. i helped her compile reception song lists... scoured the internet for wedding and reception sites. did research and visited locations while planning her bridal shower and bach party.... called photographers to get quotes for her engagement pics and wedding day. helped her make decisions like which ring bearer pillow to buy.... or color scheme decisions... well... soon enough... i realized why she didnt have anyone else to ask to be her moh... she used people. only calling them if she needed something. but always made excuses to avoid a girls night out... even seemed put out when i suggested getting together the wedding party for a spa day so we could all get to know each other and bond a little (i hadnt met the other girls yet). soon enough... she started avoiding my calls and emails... which was about once a week... (in case anyone thought i was acting like a stalker lol). so i mustered up my courage and emailed one of the other bridesmaids. since i hadnt met her yet... i carefully worded my email to inquire if she had heard much from the bride lately... cause i was having a hard time getting thru to talk to her... she quickly replied that she hadnt... and that the bride had always been that way... only calling back or responding when she needed something... suddenly i realized that she had been just as selfish with me BEFORE the wedding was even being planned. the other bm said that they were once best friends... but the bride had a new best friend every other month... abandoning the previous one without warning. so after noticing on a social network that the bride was wedding planning with another friend of hers... and still avoiding my phone calls... i confronted her about it... friendly of coarse and suggested that i drop out as moh... since she seemed closer to the newer friend (who in fact was an old high school friend)... i had recently moved out of state... so i implied THAT was the reason. i understand that a bride needs a lot of help and since i was obviously not that person for her... i suggested that she ask the person she was planning with to be her moh... she agreed and did what i suggested. everything seems fine now... so from my perspective... your request to your newer friend... doesnt seem so out of line. sometimes people change their mind... or things get in the way. your newer friend should understand that, quite simply, you werent close enough friends back when you were making your wedding party to include her.. but were currently wishing for her to be in the wedding party.... just word it right... and you will be fine

sglenn2 · April 2010

I agree with you. I recently had my maid of honor stop talking to me altogether. My maid of honor!! I have to have a new one. I am just a bit upset about it all. So are people going to suggest I have no Maid of honor?

*Nic* · April 2010

If you think the girl who you'd ask to step in would understand, I say go for it. I was on the other side of a similar situation. One of the bride's bridesmaids droped out because she became preganant and didn't think she'd be able to travel. I had recently just gotten back in touch with the bride and I was thrilled and honored when she asked me to step in. If you think your friend will have a similar mind set and will understand the situation, then I say go for it. She may even be hoping that you'll ask.

Tigsnduck · April 2010

ok number 1 it's your wedding. You plan it as you see fit. No one elses opinion should really matter.

Number two it is completely ok to replace members of your bridal party. If they backed out thats on them. You have a role that needs to be filled and you should have your wedding the way you want it.

I just had to replace 3 of my 4 bridesmaids and lost 1 MOH (had 2). All this happens after I find out none of them had called in measurements to the bridal shop except 1 of my 2 MOH's. Then I find out MOH #2 has an uncertain financial future as she is getting out of the military and will be entering a highly competetive college program with finals a week after my wedding. Understandable.

Bridesmaid 1 just found out her husband who is military is being shippend off to another country during the time of the wedding...leaving her with 3 kids here on american soil and she is across the country from us. She can't make it. understandable.

Bridesmaid 2 my own cousin who was also our make-up artist now has a fashion show in Vegas for work and has to do the marketing for it and doesn't know if she can get the time off.....Ok how long have you known about this? Unacceptable.

Bridesmaid number 3 suddenly drops off the face of the earth. Seriously Unacceptable.

All the guys were on board and having a serious lopsided wedding was unacceptable to me. Then 3 wonderful women stepped in 1 a long time friend who had the means to step in as a BM, a close family friend who found out she was able to make it to the wedding (she was my MOH for my first wedding) stepped up as a BM, and a newer friend who's Husband is a groomsman for my fiance graciously filled the role of BM. All of them know what happened and were willing able able to step in and are very excited and honored. No one feels slighted in the least.

The only role that I did not replace was that of MOH#2.

If people drop out they are leaving you out and that is not fair that there decision must affect you. No one should be upset if you put someone in the role they dropped out of. Especially if they are lame about it. There is no excuse for just not calling back...a simple yes or no answer in a timely fashion is all thats needed.

People should never leave you hanging like that forcing you to put your life on hold for them. Do what will make you happy. If having this new friend fill the role DO IT. you have the dress and she will probally be thrilled to be accepted into the wedding party. This is your day not your former friends.

ryan.kacey · April 2010

I had this happen to me 3 weeks ago, but my wedding is in June. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking someone else. I asked a co-worker of mine to be in it. I got engaged in september and I am a 1st year teacher. I didn't even know her until August, and didn't know her well enough to ask her to be in it in September. Now my fiance and I always hang out with her and her husband and we get along great. If I were to get engaged right now she would be in it anyways so in a way I'm actually happy with the way it worked out. Just explain the situation and that you would have her in it now anyways and more than likely she'll be elated just like mine was! It's your day... do what you want! (I think uneven sides looks weird for pictures.)

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_1-month-away-bridesmaid-pulled-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ef6c3a0-72e4-47b1-a0ff-4c65c754bc2dPost:a557952c-1e22-4cfa-aeaf-3e14630c3930">Re: 1 month away and bridesmaid has pulled out - HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you can. I just had a bridesmaid (my sister) back out, two months to my wedding. I decided to ask my personal attendant to be a bridesmaid, because she will already be there and I know that she supports me. I would ask your friend if she would HONESTLY be offended if you replaced her. If she says yes , don't do it . Sell the dress, send her a gift to show that you still appreciate her. Send it from the both of you, saying that you wished she could have been there. If she says no , bring in your replacement, but still send her a gift. Hope that helps!
Posted by rtornot21[/QUOTE]

<div>This just makes no sense. If she's offended, she's going to be offended at being asked that in the first place.</div><div>
</div><div>But then, the sort of person that would ask someone to be a personal attendant in the first place probably isn't going to have a clue about how you treat people.</div>

littleasb · April 2010

I had a bridesmaid drop out early in the planning because she is pregnant and due the week of the wedding. I aksed another one of my good friends and it wasn't an issue at all. She didn't ask me to be in her wedding a few years back, so I didn't feel bad about it. She is excited to do it. I explained the situation and didn't try to be sneaky at all. However, I would pay for her alterations. If it were me, I wouldn't be too excited about being the last minute choice and paying for everything. Make her feel appreciated and wanted.... by coughing up the extra hundred bucks or whatever alterations are. Whats another little bit when you are already spending a crapload of money. IMO.

littleasb · April 2010

Oh please. You can't ask everyone. S#%& happens ask another person... it's not a big deal! People understand!

jewilmart · April 2010

I think that it is your wedding, and if you want even sides, do that. If you want your newfound friend to be one of your bridesmaids, ask her. do not ever refer to her as a replacement, because she isnt, you want her there with you on your big day. tell her it would mean a lot to you.

jessicagreiman · April 2010

I think the main thing is to be understanding I was recently in a wedding for a girl that I had known since junior high we hadn't been close to one another since high school. She didn't like my boyfriend (who is no my fiance and I've been together with since high school). I particpated in the wedding did everything she asked was excited and all that other stuff, she wanted to replace her maid of honor because the maid of honor wasn't excited enough for their wedding. She treated me like crap had her fiance send me e-mails about getting my bridesmaid dress in Janurary when I didn't have to order it until April and e-mailed me and txted me twice a week for two months about ordering my dress because she didn't think I could handle doing it on time. Firstly I'm an extremely responsible individual, I was in fact the first to order my dress and they didn't even have a file of what I was suppose to order. I lived out-of-town and was able to come into town twice before the wedding and one of those time I with friends and spending time with my family she expected me to spend an entire day both times doing wedding stuff. My gift for being in her wedding was some chocolate mints. I had to spend over 500 dollars to be treated like crap and then accused of trying to steal her husband at their wedding because I got mad at him for not dancing with her. She was aso pissed because my boyfriend didn't come to their wedding (which was on a monday night and he was in college and it was during mid-term exams), but because they had that date 2 years in advance he should have spent 300 dollars to come to their wedding for a person who hates him and for a guy who doesn't even bother to call him. Needless to say I should have dropped out and greatly considered it, because of costs and her general lack of understanding and bitching towards me. I went to the wedding did what I had to do and pointed out to her a week later that what she did hurt my feelings. She had also treated the others girls like this. I haven't talk to her since and am super excited that I was smart enough to at least tell her how she made me feel. I regret going to that wedding, her husband has been cheating on her for some time (I didn't know for sure until after they were married).
the best thing I can say is to appreciate all the things your bridesmaids have to pay for, appreciate the things that they do and the support that they show you. The only person I want to replace is my sister because she is a general terror and has made nasty comments and become very controlling. But she is my sister. the wedding I went to was uneven, and if I had dropped out it would have been even. I thinks its better they told you now then being unhappy with you on the day of.
Be understanding people who love you might not be able to pay for it. Try and do everything you can to help them, or offer solutions like readings instead of dresses.
If this girl can afford it, and would like to help you she will no doubt prove to be a valueable asset to your wedding, make her feel special about helping you out. This is a giant favor to you, I think every bride needs to remember that as well.

Mel Belle · April 2010

I disagree with the majority of replies. I think you definitely could ask her. I know it's not very common. But from your message, it sounds like you really wanted her to be apart of the wedding party from the beginning and are now regretting not asking her. It sounds like you already know you want her there. I think if you explain your intentions to her genuinely, it would be an honor for her. Ultimately, of course, it's your decision. It's your wedding, your friends, your support. But I say, go for it.

silverbeltgirl · April 2010

I think it is ok to ask her to be in the wedding party. A friend of mine kicked out a bridesmaid for talking S*** about her other friends. She added a girl who she was close with in the past, but grew apart from, but just like what happend with you, she became close to her again in the months leading up to the wedding.

Definitely be honest with her and explain that you aren't trying to replace anyone. Instead, explain how you appreciate the friendship that has grown over the last few months and you would be honored if she would consider being a part of your wedding party.

My guess is she will understand why she wasn't asked in the beginning, but honestly, you do find out who your real friends are during the wedding planning stage. And it sounds like this girl is a real friend to you.

vivonion · April 2010

I had a bridesmaid pull out to, due to health reasons. not so late but. I did ask someone else to join the bridal party. I do not think there is anything wrong with that everyone knows you keep both sides even and if you pull out you will ask someone else. The lady i asked i did it in a special way and she was happy to fill in. i say it is your day make it look how you want if you want someone else standing there ask them.

emailangela12 · April 2010

how close are you with her? if she knows the situation, and your close enough, i think you could ask her (but you have to pay for alterations and shoes) its only a slap in the face if she doesnt know the current situation...she probably was not expecting to be asked in your bp the first time - as long as i didnt have to spend the $$ i wouldnt mind - we had to ask a last minute groomsman because one of our groomsmen got deployed to Iraq - and my fincee's friend was honored that we turned to him when we needed to - i know girls are different, but if shes understanding like our groomsman, then use your best judgement and ask her if you really want even sides

tweetybirdblues_2005 · April 2010

i would totally ask the other friend. but that's just me. my friends are obviously a bit more understanding than most women

noodls31 · April 2010

I had a bridesmaid drop out of my wedding. Fortunately it was 3 months to the wedding. I asked my future sister in law to be in it. Her husband was already in the wedding so it was even better that she was in it. I would ask your friend. She will probably be willing to help.

dunphypeddlewedding · April 2010

I'm also getting married in a month and my best friend has started a (really awesome) job that may or may not prevent her from being at our wedding. We are all so happy for her, but there is no way for her to know for sure, even until the week of the wedding, whether she can be there.

If she is able to come, she is going to stand beside me with my MOH and other bridesmaid for the ceremony. If she's not able to make it (which seems to be the case), I will have my sister, brother and nephew stand on my side, and FH's best man and two of our friends (one guy and one girl) stand on his side for the ceremony.

For the reception (and getting ready) we will have a lop-sided arrangement, I'll have my two girls and he'll have his four boys.

When you're getting married, its about having the people that you love (and those who love you) there to share in your special day. Like any other day of your life, things won't always go as planned. Do what you can to makes things work and try to focus on how happy you are about your life with your FH. In the end, does it really matter if you have more tuxes than dresses (or vice versa)? Your day will be beautiful because its yours.

Congratulations, good luck and have fun.

erinp425 · April 2010

I would ask. I am already dealing with what Im concerned with being the same situation. I think if they are a true friend, they will see that someone else has put you between a rock and a hard place, they will be there for you - thats what friends are for. Im sure we all have friends that we cant include in the WP that we wish we could, but not everyone wants to have 6 bridesmaids!

Cuppy Cakes 09 · April 2010

I have had a bridesmaid drop out as well...who was a life long friend and to say the least that friendship has run its course. Anyways, I have not and do not plan on asking anyone else to replace her this late in the game. Like others have said if you wanted the other person there you would have asked in the first place. In order to even things out I have decided to ask my maid of honor to walk down the aisle with two groomsmen and she could not be more excited! Hope that might help you somewhat and I am sorry to hear about your friend dropping out.

Mbaael · April 2010

I had that happen.

I asked a close friend to step in and she did not mind at all. She was not offended at all. She's been a huge help. No problems, no issues, nothing but great. Like you, I bought the bridesmaids' dresses so her only expense was in alterations and shoes.

Do you have a cousin?

may232010 · April 2010

Sorry, I just do not agree with other people. I think if you have known this other person for some time you kow their character and personality as well to know if there they would take it personally. I had to ask a good friend of mine to be in the wedding at the last minute in which she agreed. I explained the circumstances to her and told her I did not want her to be offeneded, she then asked me" why would I be offended?" and an hour later she had been to the bridal shop to try on the dress and even offered to pay for it! Trust me when I tell you this is a classy lady, very prim and proper. Really, there may be a dozen other people that you may have wanted in your wedding but you can only ask so many...right? So, go ahead and ask especially if you have a dream of what you want your wedding party to look and be.
One last note. My cousin asked me to be in her wedding after one of her brides maids got kicked out, I did not take it personally and I even helped her in finanlizing her wedding plans and it was a month away! It has been 7 years this year and we just talked the other day and she thanked me for all the help, for stepping in and told me she did not know what she would have done. I was glad to help.

may232010 · April 2010

Great reply, I agree!!! I hope everything turns out well for her.

Rockys_bride · April 2010

I know what you are going through.
One of my bridemaids has backed out for financial reason.
She recently lost her job and cannot afford to be in the wedding.
I totally understand.

When I started planning my wedding party I had
1 matron of honor - cousin
1 maid of honor - (former) best friend
4 bridesmaids - 2 cousins, future sister in law, and friend
1 jr bm -cousin
and 1 flowergirl - god-daughter

4 months to go and this is what my wedding party looks like -
1 matron of honor
3 bridesmaids
1 jr bm
and 1 flowergirl

Turns out my friendship with my (former) maid of honor ran its course and she turned out to be a bridesmaidzilla giving me nothing but grief and turned out not to be my friend at all.

Like so many people have said YOU FIND OUT WHO YOU TRUE FRIENDS ARE during this process. I know who I can't count on and who is happy to be apart of my special day

I have not replaced anyone in my bridal party but that is my personal choice not to.
It just so happens that before the party was uneven... now I have equal amount of girls and guys. Things happen for a reason.

GOOD LUCK with your deicsion and on your big day

Michele_Kelley · April 2010

If you have beome closer during all f this then as a good friend explain to her that you would rather have her anyways now. Explain how close you feel to her and if you were not this close until now then she should understand how much you want her to be a part of the wedding.

I had the groom's sister back out 6 months before our wedding because she has issues with seeing other people happy and has a drinking problem. I asked a groomsman's wife to take her place after I gave her 3 months to decide whether she was going to change her mind. Both of them are in the service and as such will come or not come together. This is YOUR wedding!!! Friends should understand.

Tigsnduck · April 2010

So how is everything turning out? we haven't heard much from ya girlie? Did you ask her?

dezi3niko6 · April 2010

I agree with some of the ladies here. I think you should ask her based on the understanding of your current friendship. Someone who truly cares about your friendship, will NOT take offense that you are now asking her because some other girl decided to drop. Do what you think is right.

cordalya · April 2010

I get married in 2 months and my MOH pulled out of my wedding about a month ago. (A week before my engagement shower) She and I were friends for a few years, but now I will never speak to her again! Luckily, my sister stepped in to be my MOH, and I don't think anything is wrong with that.

JoyTate1 · April 2010

1 month is kind of close to the wedding, but, if you just recently became close, I don't see a problem with approaching her with the idea. If she feels it would be awkward, no harm, but she may be delighted to be invited, especially if her husband is already in the WP.

I also had a once close friend drop out of my wedding, I chose not to replace her, because I actually prefer having a smaller WP and was iffy on inviting her in the first place. You are not alone, this happens all the time. It is sad that such a happy time in your life makes you reevaluate who your true friends are.

thepeachyqueen101 · April 2010

I feel your stress! My MOH dropped out at 3 months before the wedding. It's a very hard thing to go through. I have chosen not to replace her. I don't want anyone else to think they are a fill-in bridesmaid. I'm going to honor my bridesmaids that have stuck with me beyond their duties. They have proven to be way better friends than the MOH that I thougt was my best friend turned out to be. Forget the one that bailed and celebrate the ones that stayed.

1 month away and bridesmaid has pulled out - HELP!

Re: 1 month away and bridesmaid has pulled out - HELP!

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