Wedding Party

Freaking out about prego MOH!

It's one week before my wedding, and my very pregnant MOH (eight months) has just been admitted to the hospital for minor complications with her pregnancy.  It seems likely that she will be confined to bed rest, however long that may be.  In any case, it's most definite she won't make it to wedding day.

Of course, she wasn't pregnant when I asked her to be MOH.  When she told me about the pregnancy, I have to admit that I was a little concerned - only because I knew she would be SO far along and very uncomfortable.  But I never asked her to step down, even though I was secretly worried about the very real possibility she could go into labor at the wedding and even though she has bitched nonstop throughout the planning process about how things will affect her.  Now, I really wish I had, and ignored the advice on The Knot and other wedding sites that you can't ask a pregnant woman to step down.  I totally think it depends on the situation.

To make matters worse...through the whole planning process, she hasn't lifted a finger to help, not even when I  asked her for something as simple as an opinion.  I realize she is nesting, but it hurts that she wasn't there for me at all.  I never said anything to her, didn't want to upset her during pregnancy.

Now she wants me to come and visit her, while she is in bed rest.  Am I a bad person because I don't want to?  I feel if I go, I will appear bitter and absorbed in my wedding details ... I have no idea what to even say to her.  What should I do?
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Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!

  • This is probably a hard time for her. Your post sounds very self-absorbed. No one will care about your wedding as much as you are and some people really just aren't into planning and may not have an opinion on much.

    I guess what you have to ask yourself is if you still want to be friends with her (personally I think a wedding is a silly thing to ruin a friendship over) or if you want to be a good friend and be there for her because a complicated pregnancy is probably really scary.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:4dae67ec-734e-416d-b407-bb2c0b620f3f">Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's one week before my wedding, and my very pregnant MOH (eight months) has just been admitted to the hospital for minor complications with her pregnancy.  It seems likely that she will be confined to bed rest, however long that may be.  In any case, it's most definite she won't make it to wedding day. Of course, she wasn't pregnant when I asked her to be MOH.  When she told me about the pregnancy, I have to admit that I was a little concerned - only because I knew she would be SO far along and very uncomfortable.  But I never asked her to step down, even though I was secretly worried about the very real possibility she could go into labor at the wedding and even though she has bitched nonstop throughout the planning process about how things will affect her.  Now, I really wish I had, and ignored the advice on The Knot and other wedding sites that you can't ask a pregnant woman to step down.  I totally think it depends on the situation. To make matters worse...through the whole planning process, she hasn't lifted a finger to help, not even when I  asked her for something as simple as an opinion.  I realize she is nesting, but it hurts that she wasn't there for me at all.  I never said anything to her, didn't want to upset her during pregnancy. Now she wants me to come and visit her, while she is in bed rest.  Am I a bad person because I don't want to?  I feel if I go, I will appear bitter and absorbed in my wedding details ... I have no idea what to even say to her.  What should I do?
    Posted by HeatherSkye06[/QUOTE]
    Wow. Really?
    Your MOH who I would assume is a close friend is in the hospital due to pregnancy complications and you're just concerned with how she hasn't helped with your wedding?
    You sould like a selfish brat. Seriously.
  • roxy is right on here

    Your best friend, assumption due to her role as MOH, has pregnancy complications and you're pissed that it could interfer with your wedding plans?


    nice


    She wasn't active planning your special princess day?


    toughshit.  She has more important things to worry about right now, such as a child that could be born prematurely.


    nice of you to be so concerned about her.


    Shut your trap and go and see your best friend and pray that she and her baby will be healthy.


    You do sound like a realbitch!

  • Okay. 

    First of all... uh, no, it doesn't depend on the situation (unless your MOH commits murder or sleeps with your FI).  You can't ask her to step down.

    Your wedding is awesome and all, but uh, she's growing a human being.  That's a big deal.  If you lurk around here you will find tons of other knotties who are extremely excited for the prego MOH or BMs.  It is, after all, a life changing and incredible event in one's life - to have a child.

    You asked her to be your MOH because she's your best friend.  She didn't get pregnant to ruin your wedding.  And she wants you to come and see her on bed rest because she loves you, because you're her best friend and because she wants her friend by her side.  For shiit's sake, she's about to push something the size of a watermelon out of a hole as big as a peach.  She's scared and needs a friend.

    Also - the whole not lifting a finger to help thing?  Maids/matrons of honor and bridesmaids are under no obligation to help you plan your wedding.  Any help that they offer you can be graciously accepted and appreciated but you don't have bridesmaids just to be your little wedding helpers.  All they really have to do is buy a dress, show up and hopefully not get too drunk at the reception.

    You're being a bad person but it's easily remedied.  You can buck up, quit being a brat, go visit your friend, tell her you SO WISH she could be there for your wedding but that you understand because of the circumstances, and when your wedding rolls around - have a great day.

    Sheesh.
    panther
  • Thank you bethsmiles and AllAboutTheBenjamin for great candid responses.  It definitely helped to calm me down and put things a little into perspective - we Brides can get a little obsessive sometimes!

    Just to clarify, I definitely care and am worried about my MOH & Baby, and will be there for her regardless.  It's just that she has been pretty awful to me (hormones?) over the last 6 months.   While I can understand that no one is as truly involved in your wedding as yourself, I really feel she could have been just a little more supportive.  Often, she would ask what I need help with and then not follow through.  I guess this is where the hurt all stems from.  I feel I am always there for her; and never her for me.  My FI says it all the time, as do some of my other friends.

    To the rest of you, this is a wedding board, is it not?  As a BRIDE, I posted some concerns/feeling about a wedding that is a week a way and how to tactfully handle a situation that is difficult to deal with.  As much as we all try to be the best person we can be, there are some times when we think about ourselves.  I'd say some of you are much bitchier than me.
  • Robyn5298Robyn5298 member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments Combo Breaker Name Dropper
    edited September 2010
    I totally get the disappointment you must be feeling when your Maid of Honor isn't into the wedding at all.  Mine lives across the country so I don't expect physical help with things, but when we talk she doesn't ask me about the cake, or dress, or colors, etc.  I know she isn't required to be interested but it would have been nice if she at least faked it!  I was bummed at first because I thought this would be something fun we could do together, but then I decided not to take it personally because she really isn't "into" wedding kind of stuff anyway. 

    I know you're stressed being so close to the wedding but I think you ought to try and carve out an hour to go sit with your friend.  I know it's not what you want to do (especially since she hasn't been so nice to you) but it seems like one of those things you'll feel good about later, being the bigger person and all.

    I hope you two can continue your friendship after the wedding, if that's what you want.  Good luck!
    image
  • Wow.  Just...wow.  Your friend is 8 months pregnant and in the hospital for complications, and you're wishing you had asked her to step down?

    I hope your friend never realizes that your main concern when she had to be hospitalized at 8 months for pregnancy complications was how it would affect your wedding.



  • If she's being hospitalized at 8 mos for complications is it possible that she had ongoing issues throughout the pregnancy?

    Keep in mind that complications may not be a sudden thing.  It may just mean that docs decide at that point that the mom to be is on constant bed rest.

    As a mom to be myself, I think you really should cut her some slack.  You're both going through huge things right now. 

    Just out of curiosity, were you there for her throughout the pregnancy?  Yes, wedding planning can be stressful, but having a baby is MUCH more stressful and there are actual changes taking place in your body affecting your day to day functions as you go through it.
  • Are you serious?

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  • jaimed99jaimed99 member
    500 Comments
    edited September 2010
    I'm with PPs here...and would like to add that although I'm sure you're disappointed and unhappy that MOH hasn't been all "into" your wedding, but I'd like to ask you a simple and probably obvious question...have you ever been pregnant? Do you know what it's like to carry a living being inside your for 9 (ideally) months and still try to even function on a day-to-day basis, let alone worry about someone else's life? I'm not trying to sound like a biiitch here, but put things into perspective. She may have offered to help with something, then not felt well that day (I spent almost my entire first pregnancy sick), or something important came up...not to mention that pregnancy tends to suck the memory out of some of us ;). I'm sure any of the ladies here who are pregnant or have had children can agree with me, pregnancy is a day-to-day thing, especially in the last trimester, and when situations like your MOH's occur, it can make things even more stressful.

    You don't need her support to plan your "party", but she sure needs yours right now! Go and see her at the hospital, and for an hour or so, forget about the wedding...if she doesn't bring it up, don't talk about it, and focus on the health and safety of your friend and her unborn child.
  • Girl you do sound bitter and absorbed in wedding details. Your post comes off as "me, me, me." Yes your wedding is coming up but you are supposed to be friends with this girl. I guess your idea of friend is just different from mine. I would be more concerned with my friend's health and well being. She is in the hospital!!! She is having a hard time; so is the baby! To answer your question: Yes, you sound like a bad person. Suck it up and be a friend!
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  • Even though she's your MOH, she's in NO way obligated to help plan, even if she did offer. She has more important things in her life, like her unborn child. She's in the hospital and about to pop, that's a heck of lot more important than a wedding!

    'Wishing you'd ignore the knot advice and asked her to step down' because she's pregnant just brings your selfishness to whole other level.
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  • edited September 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:8746b44e-b499-4b5d-ab74-76aefa6bc566">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you bethsmiles and AllAboutTheBenjamin for great candid responses.  It definitely helped to calm me down and put things a little into perspective - we Brides can get a little obsessive sometimes! Just to clarify, I definitely care and am worried about my MOH & Baby, and will be there for her regardless.  It's just that she has been pretty awful to me (hormones?) over the last 6 months.   While I can understand that no one is as truly involved in your wedding as yourself, I really feel she could have been just a little more supportive.  Often, she would ask what I need help with and then not follow through.  I guess this is where the hurt all stems from.  I feel I am always there for her; and never her for me.  My FI says it all the time, as do some of my other friends. To the rest of you, this is a wedding board, is it not?  As a BRIDE, I posted some concerns/feeling about a wedding that is a week a way and how to tactfully handle a situation that is difficult to deal with.  As much as we all try to be the best person we can be, there are some times when we think about ourselves.  I'd say some of you are much bitchier than me.
    Posted by HeatherSkye06[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, brides can get obsessive and stressy and whatnot - but seriously.  It is no excuse to get all sadfaced when someone just isn't as enthusiastic as you are about your wedding, especially when they have bigger stuff going on in their own lives.  If she's on bed rest right now, she's probably had a pregnancy that just hasn't been the most pleasant experience.  Try to be a little more understanding.

    And I hope you don't take this to sound entirely mean - but when we hear the questions about pregnant bridesmaids and apathetic maids of honor, it evokes the knee-jerk reaction answers: as in, No, you cannot kick them out, stop being a brat, look at the bigger picture.  These questions are asked countless times a day, everyone thinks their situation is special (but it's not).  We are frank with you because 1, we're always annoyed to have to answer the same kinds of questions and 2, because we want to shake you and make you come back down to earth and realize that the world does not revolve around your wedding.  I have heard actually nightmarish maids of honor stories on this website - far worse than anything you have described. 

    So.  Just cool it. 

    And seriously - don't go there about the "well its a wedding website and you're being a bitch too" thing.  You were a bitch first and sometimes countering the first bitch with 2 or more other bitches can keep everyone in check around here.  We're women.  Some of us are pregnant, the rest of us are stressed out about planning a damn wedding and trying to keep our heads on straight.  Estrogen runs rampant and makes things crazy up in this bitch.  Don't be surprised if we don't have sun shining out of our assholes when you waltz in here complaining about a situation you have no control over.

    The end.
    panther
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:c6637725-9420-4449-820d-843942a9bd6e">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Freaking out about prego MOH! : Yeah, brides can get obsessive and stressy and whatnot - but seriously.  It is no excuse to get all sadfaced when someone just isn't as enthusiastic as you are about your wedding, especially when they have bigger stuff going on in their own lives.  If she's on bed rest right now, she's probably had a pregnancy that just hasn't been the most pleasant experience.  Try to be a little more understanding. And I hope you don't take this to sound entirely mean - but when we hear the questions about pregnant bridesmaids and apathetic maids of honor, it evokes the knee-jerk reaction answers: as in, No, you cannot kick them out, stop being a brat, look at the bigger picture.  These questions are asked countless times a day, everyone thinks their situation is special (but it's not).  We are frank with you because 1, we're always annoyed to have to answer the same kinds of questions and 2, because we want to shake you and make you come back down to earth and realize that the world does not revolve around your wedding.  I have heard actually nightmarish maids of honor stories on this website - far worse than anything you have described.  So.  Just cool it.  And seriously - don't go there about the "well its a wedding website and you're being a bitch too" thing.  You were a bitch first and sometimes countering the first bitch with 2 or more other bitches can keep everyone in check around here.  We're women.  Some of us are pregnant, the rest of us are stressed out about planning a damn wedding and trying to keep our heads on straight.  Estrogen runs rampant and makes things crazy up in this bitch.  Don't be surprised if we don't have sun shining out of our assholes when you waltz in here complaining about a situation you have no control over. The end.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    I love your posts =)
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  • I think you're just looking for someone to say "I'm sorry you're having to go through this."
    And I am.  You're stressed, she's stressed, and there's no easy way to fix this.

    Please go visit her, at the least it will take your mind off your own stress for a moment.  Be concerned for her and baby. 

    You are being a tad selfish, but you are saying these things here.  I think what most posters here fail to recognize is that you are ranting here.  You are not ranting to your pregnant BM.  You are not stomping your feet and throwing a tantrum in public.  You have chosen a forum, with anonymity, and aired your grievances.

    Take a deep breath, get a healthy perspective, and just remember you're marrying the love of your life.  You win.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:4dae67ec-734e-416d-b407-bb2c0b620f3f">Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Now, I really wish I had, and ignored the advice on The Knot and other wedding sites that you can't ask a pregnant woman to step down.  I totally think it depends on the situation.
    Posted by HeatherSkye06[/QUOTE]

    My question to this is why? What would have been different? Having uneven sides isn't a bad thing, and it seems like the part that's really upset you is how your friend in your eyes wasn't a good friend to you during your engagement. Presumably if you'd kicked her out of your wedding, she wouldn't have started being any better of a friend - either she would have continued acting the way she was or she would have acted worse because she was offended that you'd kicked her out. I don't think that kicking her out would have been the answer to your problems here.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:7bb899b9-da62-42bb-acb4-1533b5ba39e6">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Freaking out about prego MOH! : I love your posts =)
    Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]


    Why, thank you.  :)
    panther
  • I appreciate your furstration.  A wedding is definitely an important milestone and I can understand being a little let down if your friends in your wedding party didn't share in some of your excitement and planning, granted they will never be as excited as you are.  I think it best to just take a step back and accept that your friend has something super important on her plate now.  As a PP suggested she didn't do it to to ruin anything.  Be upset and vent about it to your mother or another friend who sympathasizes that you're peeved about the situation but you can't be upset with her.  And I hope that your other BMs are there for you and enjoying the fun times.

    I get that from your end it really stinks and I do feel that you get to be a little self involved for your own wedding.  But you also don't get to be overtly upset when others aren't reacting as you hoped.   At the end of the day I think you do need to be supportive of and happy for your friend and the new baby.  Visit her if you can.  But if you are too stressed with your upcoming wedding then maybe the friendly gesture of a phone call?  Just don't ruin a friendship.  

    (I'm not one to get uber excited about babies, can you tell?) 
  • If you don't want to go, then don't go. It's obvious you are resentful but you need to understand, being preg and having a baby is equally (if not) more important than a wedding. Send her flowers is what I would do
  • All I heard was wahh wahh wahh I'm a whiny biotch. I have NO sympathy because my MOH is preggers and already on bed rest and it's only her 1st trimester! I am worried sick about her an visit as often as possible. She most likely will not attending my wedding due to the fact that her c-section is scheduled for 2 weeks prior to my wedding. I will not be asking her to step down and I could care less how often she talks about my party as opposed to her baby. Get over yourself
  • Heaven forbid something awful happens to your friend and her pregnancy (and it's still possible, even in this day and age), and you'd have to spend the rest of your life knowing how horribly and utterly selfish and cold you were to her at a time when she needed you most.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • [QUOTE]I wonder how "supportive" you've been throughout her pregnancy?  Did you throw her a shower?  Come over and help her paint the nursery?  Put together baby furniture for her?  Sat and talked with her about how exciting this is or her fears and concerns?[/QUOTE]

    Definitely supportive!  I hosted and organized her baby shower, FI and I both helped her husband to refurbish her hardwood floors and paint the nursery, organized and decorated the room with her, done a lot of legwork for her, and have gone to the doctor with her when her husband couldn't make it.  We have talked about fears and concerns; thankfully, she has had a very good pregnancy, no illness or issues, up until this point - so we are all a little shocked by this.

    [QUOTE]I think you're just looking for someone to say "I'm sorry you're having to go through this."[/QUOTE]

    This is exactly right.  I would never bring up such things to my MOH <strong>as I realize she has more important things to worry about right now</strong>.  So I chose a forum among fellow brides that might have something constructive to offer, or offer a few words that might calm me down.  I have been avoiding any conflict with her, despite her lack of support during the engagement because I didn't want her upset during pregnancy.

    [QUOTE]I really, REALLY want to know how you think it's acceptable to say to a friend (let alone a pregnant woman on bedrest), "You haven't been paying enough attention to me and my wedding, so I want you out."[/QUOTE]

    Um, I don't think it's acceptable - that's the point.

    [QUOTE]My question to this is why? What would have been different? Having uneven sides isn't a bad thing, and it seems like the part that's really upset you is how your friend in your eyes wasn't a good friend to you during your engagement. [/QUOTE]

    What would have been different?  A lot of things.  Honestly, she has stressed me out during the planning more than anyone.  She asks to be included in the planning to help do things, then shows a lack of interest.  I do it myself - no problem - and make choices on my own.  But she complains about the choices I do make.  For example, I asked her to help me choose a shoe for the bridesmaids that SHE would be comfortable walking in.  I picked a low heel - she didn't like it.  She told me to return them and pick a higher heel.  So I do, and she can't walk in them, her feet hurt, return those too now and get a flat.  Her fittings have been difficult due to her size, her dress didn't fit because she gained more weight than expected - and she let me know how unhappy she was about it.  Additionally, I have footed the bill for the majority of this (close to $1.5k).  And she has been most ungrateful!
  • Well, you could have made life a lot easier for everyone by not trying to corral them all into wearing a specific shoe, since no one gives a damn what shoes the bridesmaids are wearing anyway and matching shoes is massive overkill.  So no sympathy on that point.  If that's the only thing she was complaining about, sorry, she's right.

    And are you actually saying that her costs to be in your wedding were close to $1.5K??  That's utterly insane.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:903ff6c6-e10a-49e6-b9a7-9d919ab9cdd6">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
    [QUOTE]What would have been different?  A lot of things.  Honestly, she has stressed me out during the planning more than anyone.  She asks to be included in the planning to help do things, then shows a lack of interest.  I do it myself - no problem - and make choices on my own.  But she complains about the choices I do make.  For example, I asked her to help me choose a shoe for the bridesmaids that SHE would be comfortable walking in.  I picked a low heel - she didn't like it.  She told me to return them and pick a higher heel.  So I do, and she can't walk in them, her feet hurt, return those too now and get a flat.  Her fittings have been difficult due to her size, her dress didn't fit because she gained more weight than expected - and she let me know how unhappy she was about it.  Additionally, I have footed the bill for the majority of this (close to $1.5k).  And she has been most ungrateful!
    Posted by HeatherSkye06[/QUOTE]

    Two things. First, I get that she wouldn't have complained about specific BM things if you'd kicked her out, but I personally would have been more upset by losing a friendship and/or a friend telling all our mutual friends how I was such a bitch for kicking her out of my pretty princess day because my pregnancy didn't fit into her vision (I'm not saying that's why you did it, but that's how it gets spun a lot of the time). So as I said in my original post, she would probably have acted even more negatively toward your wedding, which wouldn't have solved your original problem.

    Second, I really don't think matching shoes are necessary, but if everyone was on board for that then fine (and yes, it would be annoying for someone to keep changing her mind about them). But $1,500 to be in a wedding?! Are their dresses made of gold?! That is just an astronomical, insane cost.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:06c0ec6e-da6d-4daa-85dc-bf1e57b9ac9e">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, you could have made life a lot easier for everyone by not trying to corral them all into wearing a specific shoe, since no one gives a damn what shoes the bridesmaids are wearing anyway and matching shoes is massive overkill.  So no sympathy on that point.  If that's the only thing she was complaining about, sorry, she's right. And are you actually saying that her costs to be in your wedding were close to $1.5K??  That's utterly insane.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    Actually, I didn't even want matching dresses.  I chose my colors and told my bridesmaids they could choose a style they were comfortable in.  It was my bridesmaids that requested a matching shoe - they asked me to choose one for them.  No, it's not the only thing she complained about, just a minor example.

    You're right, though...the costs have been insane.  Bridesmaids chose designer dresses from Jim Hjelm.  The dress that MOH chose came in and didn't fit; she is a bit larger than anticipated and a tiny thing, only 5' tall.  The cost of the extra materials and basically having to rebuild the dress has cost a fortune and a lot of stress for both of us.  I've had to eat the cost of two shoe returns and a third shoe and various accessories.  I know having a baby is expensive, so have funded for her what I can - she has expensive taste.
  • This is not picking you apart, I'm genuinely just curious: why do you have to pay to return the shoes? If it's shipping costs, try ordering from Zappos, they take care of the return shipping for you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_freaking-out-prego-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4a0b7bc4-dad4-4ba2-87ea-6d8345bc18ffPost:c3c1b99a-f9ad-4ca6-9f43-55155c1eb171">Re: Freaking out about prego MOH!</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is not picking you apart, I'm genuinely just curious: why do you have to pay to return the shoes? If it's shipping costs, try ordering from Zappos, they take care of the return shipping for you.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

    I wanted a silver shoe - I should have stuck to my guns - but everyone wanted a matching shoe!  Since, the shoes are dyed - the place they were purchased from won't accept a return.  So I have basically paid for three pairs of shoes.  My costs for MOH:
    dress(maternity): $295
    extra fabric for size: $150
    excessive alternations: $175
    shoes x3: $300
    hair and makeup for day-of: $150
    jewelry: $75
    her hotel room: $145
    ---
    cost of baby shower: $2,500
  • Just as it's wrong for a bride to stick her bridesmaids with dresses that are beyond their means, I think it was wrong of your girls to pick a really expensive dress and then expect you to pay for it.  It's admirable to want to help them out with the cost of the dress, but you would have been well within your rights to say, "I can afford to contribute $X to the total cost of your dresses; if you guys settle on something more expensive than that, you'll need to cover the difference yourselves."

    Same with the shoes.  We say around here that if the bride is the one insisting on a particular shoe, she should pay for it.  So it follows that if the bridesmaids are dead set on having a particular shoe, it's on their dime.  You could always try to resell the shoes on eBay or Craigslist or something to get some of your money back.

    I'm glad that you're not actually as selfish as your first post made you seem, but really, you should be able to stand up for yourself and not be expected to give your entire budget over to your MOH just because her taste is expensive.  I definitely understand feeling frustrated that you've done everything for her and she's done nothing for you, but she never held a gun to your head and made you shell out for all of that stuff.  If you want to stop feeling taken advantage of, quit letting her take advantage of you.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Despite what some posters are saying, having a baby isn't always more important than getting married, particularly to your guests.  How many people at your wedding are going to know her personally?  Is it going to be the dominating topic of conversation that day?  I would assume for most of your guests YOU and YOUR wedding are going to be their main concern that day, not some MOH that is on bed rest and couldn't make it.  I'm not saying she isn't important to you but you bending over backward for her a week before your wedding isn't going to be serving your guests in the best way to make them more comfortable on your wedding day.  If you don't want to see her because you don't feel you'll give her the support she needs in person there are other options.  Send her a card and maybe a care package of pampering things she can use while she's stuck in bed (lotions, books, snacks, etc) and tell her (maybe by phone) you're sorry you couldn't visit before the wedding but will definitely be there for her as soon as you can after it.  Don't let her know you're bitter about her not helping (which she probably should have even if she was pregnant as your MOH) but do let her know you have to focus on you right now and will support her after your wedding.
  • OP, I'm glad you were able to vent and get some release on an anonymous internet message board.  Your initial post made you seem like a whining selfish brat, but your follow up posts give more color to the story.  It's definitely better that you get it out here rather than blowing up at your MOH.

    Now, take a deep breath and relax.  You should definitely visit your friend and try to be there for her, even in the run up to the wedding and even though she hasn't been a great friend to you these past few months.  There are ebbs and flows in real life relationships and weddings seem to really highlight the bad things more than they would be during regular times.  Perhaps when the baby is a few months old you guys can have a talk about how to repair your relationship (from both sides).

    Bdriley, of course she can support her friend and plan her wedding at the same time!!!  She may not be able to visit her for hours everyday, but she should definitely make time to visit her best friend while she's on bed rest!!
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